Life is a Dance

Last night I finished reading a novel by Kris Radish, Annie Freeman's Fabulous Traveling Funeral. The premise of the novel is that Annie Freeman has died young from cancer and her gift to her girlfriends is a trip to some of the places that meant something to her. While at each place, her friends (some that know each other only by name and what they've heard from Annie) are to spread some of Annie's cremated ashes. It's a story about bringing together five grieving friends and the lessons they learn about living. An oft-quoted phrase appears in this novel several times.... They say funerals are for the living.

It got me thinking about what friends I would send on my "traveling funeral" and where I would have them go. I reflected on my relationships with other women and how some women that meant a lot to me at some point in my life have disappeared. No more Christmas cards from them, not even sure where they are at or even if they are alive. That saddened me. Other friends that I know where they live, I have not kept in much contact. That saddened me. Yes, I can't forget my birth sisters that are also my friends.

"My sister's love is very special, one I'll treasure through the years. We've played and laughed together and ofttimes shed many tears, but through life's maze of problems, God placed a bond of love within to unite our hearts in wisdom changing sisters into friends." - Judy Meggers

The women in the novel share much about themselves and learn much from the others. They all realize that in the hustle and bustle of life, they have let a part of themselves die. Whether the part that died is their time for themselves, creativity, relationships with others or something or someone else; they all left the traveling funeral with plans to reclaim ME!

The other night I went to bed thinking about this story. I dreamed about dancing. I was being told to "Dance!" and I was dancing. I awoke in the middle of the night to reflect on the dream and thought that dancing is so much like life. There are all types of dances.... fast, slow, sensual, exotic, funny.... you name it. Just as there are all types of lives and ways to live our lives. In dancing and in life, we dance solo or with a partner or in a group. In reflecting on this dance equals life theme, I realized that if someone were to tell me to "Live, Rayna, live!" I may not listen or I'd exclaim, "I'm am living." However, if someone were to tell me, "Dance, Rayna, dance!" I would start moving to the music in my head or the music in my heart.

I went back to sleep and then got early yesterday and continued to read the book. As I was on the second page of the next chapter, a character in the novel, Balinda, is writing in a notebook about herself and then she writes what she thinks Annie, the dead friend, would write back to her. ".... This funeral, as you now know is about learning how to dance. Dance, Balinda. Just dance." I dropped the book and dropped my jaw! Here was the theme of my dream written into this novel. Talk about feeling like someone was trying to get a point across to me!

Just the other day, I questioned, "What do I deserve at this point in my life?" I deserve to dance! I deserve to live! I need to turn up the volume of the music that is in my heart. I need to dance with others and by myself. I need to live. I need to be thankful for life.

Peace be within you!

Joy

Rejoice! Rejoice: To feel or be joyful. To fill with joy, gladden.

Rejoice is a word we associate with Christmas, probably because of time-honored Christian hymns. The word joy is not a common word in today's vocabulary. It means A condition or feeling of high pleasure or delight. Do I experience joy? Do I ever want to say "Rejoice!" Sometimes, but truthfully, seldom do I say or feel it.

Think of the faces of children around this country as they open their gifts from Santa Claus, the surprise at getting something they asked for or maybe something they wanted and didn't expect Santa to bring. The joy is evident on their faces, the huge smiles and hollering whoops of excitement. It can not help but to bring a smile to our faces as we witness or have memories of the rejoicing.

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on
his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6

The above verses are on my calender for today. It's not verses from Luke as we usually read in correlation with the Christmas story. It is the prediction of the what the Saviour, Jesus Christ would bring to the world. Wonderful counseling, mightiness, everlasting and peace. In those days as now, there was strife and wars in the world and the Prince of Peace was expected, and hoped for, to bring peace to the world. Peace: An absence of war and other hostilities; a freedom from quarrels and disagreement.

Did it happen? Did peace occur, before or after his death? No. Not if we consider peace as being an absence of war and strife. However, if we consider another meaning of peace - Inner contentment; calm; serenity - then Jesus Christ has brought peace to the world of believers! Some would say that the only way to peace is believing and having faith in Jesus Christ.

Another word similar to rejoice is Hallelujah! A word used to express praise or joy. A word that is often associated with Easter and the rising of Christ from death. Words of joy associated with Christ's birth and His arising from death, a re-birth in a sense. A birth of a child brings joyful moments. a culmination of months waiting and preparing for a long-anticipated event. The birth of Christ was a culmination of waiting and preparing for the saviour of the world.

As we age, we sometimes lose the wonder of opening up gifts on Christmas morning. We leave hints and lists for spouses to find and we don't always have that many presents under the tree as we realize that we have so many things already. I knew about all of the gifts for me under the tree except for one. I knew where hubby bought it, but could not think of what it would be other than an article of clothing. So I was surprised to open up the present to reveal a lovely cashmere cardigan sweater. Cashmere has a softness and richness beyond compare. I have been longing to buy a cashmere sweater for quite a while, but could never quite justify spending the extra money. Hubby said, "You deserve a cashmere sweater at this time in your life."

How many of us have the feeling of the softness and richness of Jesus Christ's love and the promise of peace that he makes to us in celebrating His birth and re-birth? What do I deserve at this time of my life?

Dedication

There's an old song that has a lyric, "Dedicated to the one I love."

Last night I came home from work and on the counter was a small catalog showcasing the jewelry and art of the craftsman I mentioned in Sunday's blog, the one who makes the peace ornament. I said to hubby, "You didn't go and get that ornament did you?" He gave me a big hug and somewhat sheepishly said, "Yes, I went there before I read your blog." (I had meant to throw away the ad after I wrote my blog, but left it by the computer.) My heart melted. Last night, I opened that present under the tree and hung that lovely peace ornament on my Christmas tree and vowed to myself that every time I see that I will remember the love of my hubby.

He does not get enough credit in my blogs for his support and unconditional love. Often, I will excitedly share with him the email or comment that someone has written on or about my blog. He has to remind me, "I support you" or "I'm proud of you." It's true, I don't give him enough credit for his love, support and pride in what I've accomplished and what I'm trying to do. He has loved me through all these years of thick and thin, more thick than ever "thin."

We joke about our differences. We have his-and-her of a lot of things.... peanut butter, bread, ice cream, political parties. Yet there is a lot we agree on, like traveling, sunshine, enjoying friendships, reading, and our love for each other. I have been very fortunate to have him in my life for many years and I look forward to our future together. Hubby, this blog is for you! Peace!

Finding Peace?

For many years I have liked the word peace. In the Seventies, "peace" was designated as a pie-shaped symbol or the common two-fingered V-shaped hand gesture. Back then we were speaking of world peace or a world without the Vietnam War. As the years went by and the "Peace, brother" movement died, I still liked the word peace. Perhaps because I wanted peace in my life. About ten or more years ago, I started thinking of peace as being a balance in my life. I also discovered that the phonetic spelling of the word peace is pes, which are the first letters of words physical, emotional and spiritual.

I collect lions which is also a throwback to the Seventies and the popularity of astrology. I am a Leo and that got me started on collecting lions. Hubby says that I can "spot a lion a mile away," in reference to my ability to spot lions while shopping. I have become very discerning about my lion purchases after my collection grew to over 200 lions. Unusual and rare materials that have been formed into a lion are the objects that I buy now. My last lion was one made of wire and glass beads.

A collection of another type is not as large as my lion collection, however I can spot one quite easily. These items have the word peace on them. In fact as I sit typing this, above my computer is a large picture of Goose Island in St. Mary's Lake in Glacier National Park. I finally figured out where the picture was taken and was fortunate to see the same view on our trip this fall. In fact the picture of hubby and I in our Christmas letter shows us by this lake. To get back to the picture, the caption is: "Serenity - Peace is found not in what surrounds us, but in what we hold within."

Yes, there is truth to that statement. Although we can be at peace in surroundings like Glacier National Park, we will not necessarily find peace there. A person can have the most beautiful surroundings, the most money, the skinniest body and yet not find peace nor feel peace.

I was reminded of that today as I read through the Sunday paper. An advertisement grabbed my attention as a local craftsman has a Peace Ornament for sale. It's beautiful and would add to my growing collection of "peace" ornaments on my Christmas tree or my wall of "peace" objects (commonly crosses). "Priced at $95 in sterling silver...." it is affordable for a working woman such as myself. I tore out the ad with plans to strategically place it in hubby's view. It hit me.... Will one more "peace" object bring me any more peace? I can be surrounded by "peace" objects, yet I will not find peace. The 95 dollars peace ornament nor the 95 cents peace ornament will not find me the peace I want and desire. Yes, I have tried to find peace in many places and things..... homes, jobs, food, activities, hobbies, trips, drink, relationships.... you name it, I may have tried to find peace or serenity in it! Where do I go from here?

In church we share the greeting, "Peace be with you." Again, we seem to be missing the point. We ask for peace to surround, to be with our pew-mates, yet should we not be declaring, "Peace be within you"?

Paths of Life

Either I have less readers than I think or the readers are as befuddled as I am in dealing with vicious cycles. I cried "Help" in my last blog and heard not a word. :)

That's OK! I figured out how to deal with the vicious cycle, I stopped walking for 3 days. Got up very early and went straight to work, getting there by 6:30 each day & by 5:30 today. I have been putting in some long days trying to get an accounting project done and my co-worker and I have failed. Today, we got an email from the accountant that started with, "You're making this so very complicated." Umm! The funny thing about this whole situation is that I guess I have always been under the misconception that accountants require details and accuracy. So my co-worker and I have been trying to provide accurate details to them without really knowing if we were on the right track. They (the accountants) don't want to share with us what reports they are using to come up with "numbers," so it's hard to know if my department numbers reconcile with theirs or not. Perhaps, they don't know how to get the information they want and they have led us down a tedious, unnecessary path.

Anyway, I have to chill-out about it, because it's not a matter of life or death. It's just numbers! Numbers that don't affect our reimbursement or census. I can not deny that the past two weeks of trying to get this information for them has amounted to a lot of stress and about 40 hours overtime (unpaid of course). I have to remember that we were led down a "tedious path" and if I take my own advise, there is something to be learned by these past weeks journey.

There is a need for explanations, give us the whole picture. What is it we're trying to accomplish and why? Show us the "whole picture." Where are we right now? Where do we want to go? Information is so important, whether you're working on a project for work, helping your child understand something, or working on a project for your own peace.

Yes, what is it I'm trying to accomplish? I want to be filled with peace and I do not want to fill myself with food. Why? Because I've done it (filled myself with food) long enough! I want more satisfaction in my life than food brings to me. Where am I right now? About 40% of my weight loss goal. Still aiming for spiritual fulfillment. Glad for some emotional fulfillment... so glad that I could take the accountant's statement about "making this very complicated" and find some truth to her statement without going totally defensive and ballistic!

Yes, sometimes we have to go down tedious paths in our lives, that we may view as unnecessary. Hopefully, we can accept the "unnecessary" part of the journey and turn it into a necessary requirement for learning and growing. It isn't always easy, but it sure is interesting what a person can learn about themselves if they are open to the possibilities.

Negative versus Positive

"Having a positive perspective toward your health is a better approach than the negative, self-sacrificing mode many people adopt in an attempt to lose weight. Above all, remember this: Not all of us can be skinny, but all of us can be fit."

This was a quote from a newspaper article I read recently. I wish I could say that I have learned over the past months to live without a "negative, self-sacrificing mode." However, I seem to have daily bouts of poor-me and "It's not fair!"

Is there anyone out there who has NOT ever screamed, "It's not fair!"? If so, how do you do it? I have gotten to the point the past couple of days of saying it's not fair that I have to walk every morning so that I can eat what I want. In other words, if I continue to eat as I want and I don't walk, I know that I will soon gain my weight back. I say and think all of this even after writing about (read gloating about) my walking and writing habits in the last blog. Yes, I'm guilty. Getting up at 5:30 am every morning & hitting the pavement hot & heavy is not my cup-of-tea (read poor me). Yes, I claim to be doing it to become a fit person and I can't deny that I do feel better and have lots more energy.

However, I'm frustrated with the fact that I have to walk to keep my weight off. And the reason I'm just maintaining my current weight even though I'm walking a lot is that I choose to eat what I want, when I want. I eat what & when I want because I feel sorry for myself that I can't have it all. It's a vicious cycle, walk so that I can eat what I want and the more I eat, the more I need to walk.

Now, I'm getting frustrated with myself for not being able to say NO to certain foods. If I did say "no" to foods, I may be able to lose weight as I continue to walk. However, I can't seem to get with that logical program. What have others done to get over this self-deprecating, negative attitude? Help!

Walking & Writing

In the past couple of days, I had two requests for my blog address. I guess word is getting around about my writings... the requester is probably interested in what I had to say about recent community events. Or perhaps they are interested in my journey to PEACE.

I do feel, think and act more at peace than I did almost six months ago. Two of the major contributors to that peace-filled life is my walking and my writing. Walking has become a way of life for me, awaking about 5:30 AM and getting on the street, usually by 6 AM. While I walk I think about a lot of different things and I often hear ear worms (a term for a song stuck in our heads). Thinking about other subjects helps get the ear worms out of my head for a little while. Then I try to remember what I have thought until I can get it "down on paper" (in the computer). Sometimes that is never and other times it's a few minutes, hours or days later. That is the way it works.

A book I am reading now has the theme of eight women that decide to get away from it all and they start walking, talking and thinking. The book's author is Kris Radish and the title is The Elegant Gathering of White Snows." Upon reading my blog about running away, my younger sister said (in reference to this book), "I have just the book for you to read." Oh, yes, I can identify with the women in this book. It is interesting how the story tells of how the publicity of their walk was unexpected, yet the simple act of walking together rallied women throughout the country to take charge of their lives in one way or another. Thinking and walking have also helped me to change some things in my life.

In my annual Christmas letter, I gave out my blog address. It was scary even thinking about doing that as some of the people that get my Christmas letter are friends or relatives that may not know the "real" me and I now feel very exposed. However, I felt it was a step that I wanted to take.... releasing my blog site to more people. Releasing my thoughts and perspectives to more people. Making myself more accountable, I hope.

An ear worm of a different sort is the memory that cropped up and lingers still after viewing a movie the other night. The movie, "All I Want for Christmas" has a young boy entering a contest claiming that all he wants for a Christmas is "husband" for his widow mother. The mother runs a center for homeless people and a place for locals to meet (i.e. Boy Scouts). There is a scene in the movie where the potential husband is dishing out food on the plates of the people gathered for a meal. He looks quite baffled and I would say even horrified. It brought back memories of my time serving people in a homeless shelter in the Atlanta area.

Serving people at a shelter was not really something that I wanted to do, but I can honestly now say that, "I'm glad I had the opportunity" to serve others. I remember how easy it was to dish up food and give the people a smile. Some of the people would look surprised or even appeared suspicious of my smile and friendly nature. However, I was consistent with my humble servitude and I could sense their concerns being eased. I found myself thinking it was an honor to serve them. It's a memory that fills me with thankfulness.

During the Christmas season, we often see movies, shows, newspaper articles about giving of our time, talents and treasures to those less fortunate. We also see the mountains of advertisement showing us how we can spend our treasures (money) and what we can give to our loved ones. The mountains of "material things" that we give and get from one another. How often do we just need and want some time with a person? How often do we need and want to see some of the talents of a person? How often do we just end up giving out our treasures with little thought to the needs of the other person? It's the season of "Hurry up, buy gifts, ship them early, etc, etc"

What will I do this Christmas that will be different? What will I do this Christmas that will be honorable? What will I do this Christmas that will fill me with thankfulness?

Let the Sunshine In!

Remember that old children's song, "Oh, let the sunshine in, Face it with a grin"? Today was a very hectic day at work. The project that I planned on working at the beginning of the day was not touched as one meeting or "crisis" after another happened. We had a plugged up toilet on the third floor that created an interesting water fall into one of my departments' first floor office. So I had to do some schedule changes, including tomorrow's schedule as this mess won't be cleaned up until tomorrow morning sometime and the person usually scheduled to work there can not do so.

Anyway, about 5:10 pm, I called hubby and said, "It's a pizza and beer night!" My favorite food and drink are pizza and beer. Can't deny it, won't try to deny it! I can't even say how many years ago, I came up with the phrase, "It's a pizza and beer night." Whenever it had been a stressful day at work, I would state the menu for that evening's meal. Granted, hubby also likes pizza and beer. He may not love it, but he has no problem with my menu choices. I think he knows that if my day is that stressful to declare that menu, he had better not argue!

Anyway, after I called him to go out and get a pizza, I was looking forward to leaving about 5:20 pm. I went up to say "good-bye" to the remaining staff members and when they saw me with my purse in hand, they had this look of terror, grief, or horror, I'm not sure which. But their body language, their look on their faces (see previous blog on body language) told me "over our dead bodies are you leaving." So I put my purse on the floor, went back to office and helped them get caught up.

Anyway, to get back to my original point of this blog, I walked out of the building about 5:40 pm with the knowledge that I have to go back tomorrow .... to work on that project....I was bathed in a dusky sunlight. It hit me! It's still daylight out and I was excited. I know that my family and friends up North were totally in the dark already. At this time of year they have about 9 hours of daylight and down here we have about 11 hours of daylight. I am soooo thankful!

It was one of the hardest realities about moving back Up North after 15 years in California & Georgia to be deprived of sunlight during the winter months, except on weekends. I may be a SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) sufferer, I'm not sure. However it sure feels good now to have that daylight going to and coming from work. The sunlight tonight almost felt so good that I didn't need that pizza and beer when I got home. Nah! Life is good, even better when I get three of my favorite things! :)

Communication Choices

It's an interesting fact that over half (55%) of communication is perceived through body language. Thirty-eight percent is perceived through tone of voice and seven percent through the words we say. Wow! So that means that a man-of-few-words can effectively communicate their message. In other words, (pun intended), saying nothing can speak volumes.

This was quite evident at our community annual meeting on Saturday. It was a full house and most people seemed to be sitting on pins-and-needles as the meeting began. One of the opponents to our board and covenant stood right besides the board members table at the front of the room, a show of power and might. He would periodically walk in front of the table to sit for awhile as the board was trying to conduct business, disrupting the residents view of the table where the action was occurring. He said very little, but his body language told everyone he was trying to disrupt and control us. As things got a little heated, the president of the board stood up and stayed standing with his arms crossed across his chest, trying to regain control of the room full of people. One of the board members is a former school counselor, he reclined in his chair, listening without any expression on his face, just as he was trained and so "performed" on his job for many years. His reclining position and arms at his side showed vulnerability and a willingness to listen.

Another opponent spoke several times professing his opposition to the board, his tone of voice of one condescending his constituents. Like, "wake up people, you morons, don't you understand what these people (board) are doing to you." Well, that's the what I heard in his tone of voice. Speaking of tone of voice, when this opponent got up to speak for the eighth or ninth time, he started his speech, "Ever since we moved in here, it's been a nightmare."

"Moooove!" was shouted from all corners of the room. It was like the "Booooo" you hear at sporting events. I was shocked, most of these people are my parents age or older and they were in essence booing the speaker. I had to smile to myself. You just never know what people will do next.

Yes, it was interesting meeting and the opposition's candidates were not elected. However, the choices that all types of people made during this meeting were fascinating to see and hear. The choice of words they used, the choice of their tone of voice, and the body language they used.

I have had education and experiences as a counselor and manager for the past 30 years. I know that when my staff come into my office, I need to stop typing in the computer, turn by body so that I'm open to them and listen intently to what they are saying. I am good at multi-tasking so it's so easy to continue a task while I listen to them. However, I know that it's important for the speaker to think and feel that I am giving 100% of my attention and they should expect nothing less.

Yes, we all make choices on how we communicate to one another, through body language, tone of voice and words. Whether it's one-on-one or to a group... we all "speak" volumes about our attitudes, our opinions, our knowledge and our respect (or lack of respect) for one another. What are we "saying" to one another today?

Free to Fight

Earlier this week I wrote about my "flight" patterns, my thoughts about fleeing. Today, I have some "good" news, I took a chance and stayed "to fight" rather than flee a situation. As I have mentioned before, our residential community has been hit by controversy in the past couple of months. There have been letters posted and sent that are generally against the board of directors and the proposed covenant. I am for the board and the revisions of the covenant.

However, since most of the letters are of the opposition nature, it can cause a person to wonder if "everyone" feels like the writers feel? I discovered in speaking with many neighbors (in social settings) that I may be witnessing what I think is an example of the "silent majority." Time will tell if it's the majority or not. Today is our annual meeting where we can vote for the board members and the voting for the revised covenant must occur by December 31st.

A few days ago, a couple of the "ring-leaders" of the opposition party put out a notice that a meeting would occur last night. They very explicitly said that all comments would be heard and if any arguing would occur, the offending party would be expelled from the meeting. I was very interested in attending, hubby was not. I guess I've always been a person wanting to hear both sides of the story. I went to the meeting expecting a lot of ranting and raving, so when the coordinator came around the room and asked if we each wanted to speak publicly, and if so, to sign our name on a piece of paper. These names would be drawn randomly & people allowed to speak to all in the room (25-30 people). I asked the coordinator if I could chose not to speak when my name was drawn and he affirmed that was allowable. So I put my name "in the hat."

As I expected, most of the speakers were opposed to the covenants and the board. I listened to what they were saying and I could see how and why they felt as they did. Perception is reality. I use that term with my staff many times to describe how the service they provide may be considered "excellent" by my staff. However, the customer may consider the same service "good" or even "fair."

In the case of my neighbors, what they perceive about the board and the covenants is their reality. No one can take away that reality. However, last night I chose to stay at the meeting and "fight" by giving them my perception of the board and the covenants. This perception is different than many of attendees, yet by the time my name was called I felt safe in the fact that there had not been any dissension or loud arguments, etc. So I got up and spoke my piece. Yes, I did acknowledge that I do agree with the rest of the speakers on a couple items they brought up (i.e. more open meetings). The rest of the "speech" I tried to affirm my support of board and covenants. I tried to dissuade those attending to not throw away "the baby with the bath water" by rejecting the whole covenant for a line item here and there.

It's doubtful that I changed any one's point of view after I spoke last night. However, for me to stand up and "fight" for a differing point of view was an accomplishment. Even though I do not agree with my neighbors on many points, I can still look them in the eye and respect them as human beings. Perhaps, my being able to respect them is due to the fact that I have not been on the receiving end of any one's "grudge" or "complaint" against me. I can not deny that. I can not deny that there were names of my neighbors and friends mentioned last night, mentioned in a negative way.

But the freedom of speech was wonderful. The ability of a group to meet and voice our opinions was uplifting. Regardless of what was voiced, the ability to be able to voice our concerns via speech or press is an opportunity that many people in other countries do not enjoy. The vote is another opportunity that not all people can enjoy.

Today, all my neighbors and I have the opportunity to "fight" for what we want through our votes. My candidate of choice may not win the vote today, however, next year I get another opportunity to have my voice heard... in a vote. What freedoms!

Illumination

There is something magical about the Christmas season, the lights. Homes are decorated with lighted trees and yard ornaments fill the communities we live in. It's the time of year when the days of sunlight shorten more and more each day and just before Christmas day we have the most darkness. I am sure that may have been part of the reason for the tradition of lighting our homes at this time of year. It's a tradition that is appreciated by myself and many others as we ooo and aaw at the sight of the the lights. Hubby set up the timers on the outside lights so that they come on about the time I am taking my morning walk (in the dark). The lights create such a welcome-home feeling when I round the corner and see my house and yard. They illuminate the neighborhood. It puts a warm-fuzzy feeling in my heart.

To "shed some light on the subject" is a phrase describing illumination, or as Webster says, to "make understandable, clarify." My writing about my feelings of wanting to run-away basically laid the subject on the table. It was out there for anyone to read and see. Just writing about it made it easier for me to see it, it illuminated the taboo subject deep in my being. Once it was out in the open for me and others to see, it lost a lot of its power. It's no longer so scary. It's a feeling and we're all entitled to our feelings and thoughts. No one can take them away from us. No one can know what our feelings and thoughts are unless we choose to reveal them.

From the comments to that blog writing, I think I may have provided some illumination or light for others to see themselves. Sometimes the smallest light can brighten a room. It's not always easy or comfortable to see myself, much less reveal myself to others. I have some deep revelations in these blogs and some superficial nonsense in these blogs. Who is to judge what's a revelation versus nonsense? Even I can't know on some days and maybe I'm not meant to know.

Part of the longing in my soul is the need to fill up myself. I want to find the answer to, "Is this all there is to life?" So I fill myself up with food and drink or unhealthy habits or thoughts. I have always wanted to be a mentor to others in their struggles with life. I guess that's the counselor in me. Is there a way that I can use my words, thoughts, feelings to illuminate someones life? Can I fill my self with "light" and illuminate the path for someone else on their life's journey? Can I get my life in balance, physically, emotionally and spiritually so that my "project" could illuminate someone? Or perhaps I can illuminate someone by just struggling with the balancing act and never really succeeding, but trying none the less.

What is also exciting is the fact that we just never know who's life we may impact by shedding some of our light so that others can see! Each of us may be illuminating a path, totally unaware. Am I ready to hold the lantern of light or should I hide it for a while? Time will tell.

Run-Away Imagination

Imagination is something I am blessed with having for a characteristic. From a young age I loved to read and would imagine myself in the stories. Dreaming up my own stories was fun too, though seldom did I write them down.

As a child and teenager, I grew up in a household ravaged by alcoholism. My father, now recovering, is an alcoholic and would often drink after work. My mother was angry and tried to control every situation in her own way. This meant there was a lot of yelling and disciplinary actions taken on all of us. When my father would arrive home after the bars closed, there would be more yelling. My mother yelling at my father about drinking and lack of money to pay the bills. As the oldest child I vacillated between ignoring my family by staying in my room reading or imagining ways to take away my younger sisters and brother to escape the world we lived in. I wanted to run away.

"Flight or fight" is a term I learned about in college while taking psychology courses. I quickly recognized that I prefer the flight method of dealing with things in my life versus staying and fighting. When I was eight years old, I ran away from home. Pedaling my bicycle I went about a mile from one house to our former residence after a fight with my mother. She tracked me down hiding in the porch of the house I had lived in for seven of my eight years. I remember sensing that my mother was so contrite about my running away, probably she was embarrassed in front of our old neighbors that her daughter would do such a thing.

Other than imagining the escape of my siblings and I by pulling a wagon with my baby brother to grandma's house which was 20 miles away; I do not recall any specific incidence of wanting to run away until 1977. [Although there were many incidences of my fleeing situations or escaping by drinking alcohol.] On my way to work I would pass over the interstate highway and I would see a sign that a certain city was XX miles that way if you followed the arrow. Day after day, I wanted to just make that turn and head towards that city.

It was not the city that I longed to see or visit, it was the appeal of running away. I never wanted to take anything with me, I just wanted to take my car and go. I wanted to not tell anyone about my leave, as I wanted to go there and start a new life, a different life. But then I would get to thinking about family and friends that would be concerned about my where-abouts. I thought that if I did tell my family where I was (so they would not be worried) that creditors, bosses, landlords, etc would be hounding my parents for information and they would break down and tell them where I was. Then I would have to go back and face the music....abandonment of job and household, overdue bills. So daily, sometimes for weeks on end, I would decide not to take that turn to that city. I would keep going straight to my job. Sooner or later I would change jobs or change places of residence, either home or city. The flight urgency would subside...for awhile.

The urgency to flee has occurred many times since then in my life. I would imagine taking a different road to work and keep on driving. I usually imagined going to a remote location. Someplace desolate, where the chances that the townsfolk would even hear of me missing would be remote. In thinking about some of this escapades, I have even thought of faking amnesia so that I could be totally anonymous even to my new neighbors. You may be thinking, "She's crazy!" Or you may be laughing, "She's nuts!"

Sometimes, I feel that way.... crazy and nuts. Sometimes, I hate myself for these flight feelings that come over me. I do not have a bad or even semi-bad life... I have a wonderful husband, good job, nice home, etc, etc. But the urge to start a new life, the wanderlust, the gypsy in me is there, I can't deny it. Over the years, I have started to recognize that part of my flight feelings has more to do with the gnawing question, "Is this all there is to life?"

My decision to share some of this in my blog is that I have had those feelings again.... keep on driving, don't go to work, pretend you disappeared. The other night the movie, The Family Man was on TV. I had not originally seen the movie and when I read the review I felt I needed to see this movie. Nicolas Cage plays a single, successful Wall Street icon that falls asleep on Christmas Eve and wakes up married to his "old" sweetheart and has a family of two children. The movie reminded me to think of "The Christmas Carol" where the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future come to haunt. The character basically feels and acts like he has amnesia with his "new" family. Sooner or later, he starts adjusting to his new life, even though he was forced into a new life. Neither of the lives of this character were perfect, the before or the after, the old or the new. The theme of the movie struck a chord in me.

It is time to be honest with myself and time to be honest with my husband. Honesty is sometimes very difficult to profess, whether it be in a blog writing or in person. It's not easy to be honest about a character defect that I have, my wanting to flee my life, even a good life at that! But I'm willing to explore it. I am willing to explore my motives for this flight pattern and I am willing to explore ways that I can develop the pattern of staying and fight. I know that part of me wants to escape the trappings of a household and its responsibilities..... utility bills, taxes, rent or mortgage, insurance, furnishings, etc. If I didn't have this or that place to live, I wouldn't have to work (i.e. make as much money to pay for it). Yet, I find myself shopping to buy things to fill up this house and decorate it. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't! No, my house is not empty, but my soul is.

Why else would I have to question, "Is this all there is to life?"? Why else would I want to flee an otherwise wonderful life? A Wonderful Life, another Christmas film about being shaken into realizing what we have and how important it is. The more money I make, the bigger house I have, the more prestigious job I have, the more weight I lose, the more years I'm married... all of this has not taken away the feeling of flight. The feeling of emptiness.

I know that there will be comments made about my needing God, Christ, Holy Spirit, Buddha, whatever. That may be right. However, right now, my life feels fuller in just being honest.

Report

Report cards on students went out recently. So in the spirit of things, I will give a report on this PES PROJECT I started five months ago.

Physical

Food B-
I started out counting calories, fat grams and writing down my food. That lasted about a month. Then I kept up the healthy eating of no snacks, seldom sweets and appropriate portions for another two months. The past two months, I have been eating as "normal," which is how I ate prior to this project.

Exercise A
I have regularly walked two miles daily. I have increased my speed and lengthened my gait. My posture, strength and endurance have increased tenfold.

Weight B
Losing 13% of my body weight within three months was wonderful and even though I have not lost any weight in the past two months, I have maintained.

Emotional

Overall C+
I don't really think I have changed much in this aspect, so I asked hubby and he said, "No, not much change except more upbeat." So I will grade myself as a little above average. I have found that I don't dwell on things as much as I used to, I let them go. One of the ways I "let go" is to write in this blog.

Spiritual

Receptive B-
I have become more willing to receive God into my life. No life-changing or soul-moving episodes yet.

Attitude B+
Attitude of gratitude is my daily goal. It helps in dealing with life's little inconveniences that pop up.


Overall, I would score my PES PROJECT with a grade of B. That's OK! Progress made and room for improvement....appropriate description of my life.

Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is tomorrow & many of us are already thinking of all that we will have to eat! :)

Yes, we may be thinking and drooling, however do we really think about how THANKFUL we need to be that we have food to eat and share with others? Do we really think about how thankful we need to be that we have a computer to write, send and receive instant messages? Do we really think about how thankful we need to be that we have a phone to be talking to family and friends and hear their voices over the blocks, miles, states, and continents? Do we really think about the joy and privilege to have family and friends, not only alive but in our lives?

I am thankful for many things..... allow me to share and if you don't care, just exit out of here.

I am thankful for my health, I am still obese but so much healthier than five months ago. I am thankful for my relationships with hubby, parents, family, and friends. I am thankful for my job and my co-workers that make my time and talents worthwhile. I am thankful for my safety.

I have been thinking about safety a lot since last Saturday. I wrote in my blog that day about not knowing what the future holds from one minute to another. That night, about 20 minutes before we were planning to welcome neighbors into our home for a game night, I got a phone call from work. "Rayna, we've had a CODE BLACK at the hospital."

"Code Black?" I questioned, "a bomb threat?"


"Yes, we're out here in the parking lot, we can't go in the hospital." I drove over to the hospital & by the time I got there, the employees were moving back in the building. Luckily they did arrest the man who called the threat and yes, he had planted a bag of explosives, wires, etc, in the men's restroom of the main lobby of the hospital, less than 100 feet from my office. Too close for comfort, I would say! Granted the FBI said that the nothing in the "bag" was connected, therefore could not have exploded. This man is psychotic and probably did not know how to connect the ingredients to create a true bomb. BUT the thought was there!

A couple of months ago hubby & I were "treated" to another bomb threat against our flight from Houston after our vacation. This was thankfully, a threat with no "meat" to it. But, two threats close to home in two months is enough to rattle my bones! I'm not usually a "scaredy-cat" but when I really think about it, it's uncomfortable. What's weird is that we all went about our business on Monday, just as normal. Is it human nature to do that? Go about as "normal"? To protect ourselves? Deny the real threats out there? I don't have the answers.

Regardless, I am soooo thankful that no one was hurt during this threat. I am thankful that there are people out there that did question the "intent" of this man & reported him. I am thankful for safety.

Have a happy Thanksgiving and enjoy your day, wherever you spend it. PEACE!

Hello Out There

Do you remember what it was like as a child, being in the dark? You would hear noises and because of the darkness, you could not tell if it was a big bear or a rambling raccoon in the neighborhood. The suspense was immense and exciting. "Hello, out there!" We'd shout as we wanted the "noise" to show itself, so that we could feel assured that we were not in danger. By saying "Hello," we thought that would show our friendliness.

Today I received a comment on my blog from someone who's known me for "40 some years." Most comments on my blog, I can determine by the content or initials who is writing. This one commentator has me puzzled. "Hello, out there. Who are you?" Writing a blog is pretty brave and maybe stupid at times, just like going out in the dark in the "wilderness." You never know who or what is out there . Yet I continue to expose myself through this medium. It's fun and exciting. And it keeps me honest, I hope!

Every day that we wake up is another day. We may think we know what will happen today, yet if a person really thought about the fact that we are truly entering a dark, unknown wilderness called the future, the suspense would be enough to drive us crazy. Don't you agree? So we go on with our plans for cleaning the house, going to the grocery store for snacks, entertaining friends tonight, etc, etc. Yes we plan. We plan for the future even though we may know in the back of our minds that the "future" is just one second away, all the time! And we truly do not have a clue what could happen in the next second. Just the same, the "past" is one second behind us. What I wrote just seconds ago, I can erase and revise. However, once I click on "publish post," my words are gone for others to read and I can't take them back.

Let us not be afraid to go out in the dark wilderness of life. Be aware that they may be big bears out there. Plan for the "noises" in darkness of our future life to be rambling raccoons, surviving just as we are. Realize that you may never find out "who's out there?"

PRIDE

Pride - a multi-faceted, multi-meaning word.

A few weeks ago, I went to the stage musical, The Lion King, which reflected on pride. Not only the "company of lions" type of pride, but the "excessively high opinion of oneself, arrogance" type of pride.

Last Saturday, this word popped into my head as I was walking around the local baseball stadium for a fund-raising walk. The announcer said, "You need to walk or run around the stadium twelve times to equal three miles." Granted all the funds of most walkers, including me, were committed before the walk and no one expected me to walk the three miles. But I was bound and determined that I would finish that three miles with the best of them. It was a lot different walking on sand, gravel and sod compared to cement streets. And it was two hours later in the day than I usually walk... read "hotter." It was also different walking with a couple hundred people instead of myself.

I was walking quite well, passing a number of people. I was only paying attention to my number of rounds, but I did notice that less and less people were walking every round. I kept saying to myself, "No one is going to accuse this fat, old lady of wimping out!" When my twelfth last lap ended, I looked behind me and I was very surprised to see maybe a dozen walkers behind me. I knew that I passed more walkers than that! Wait a minute, you mean everyone did not do the whole walk? You mean everyone did not take the announcer literally? I have never done one of these types of walks before & I did not know that people bail out.

Did I have to walk the full twelve laps? Apparently not. Did I feel a sense of pride ("satisfaction taken in one's achievements)? Apparently yes. Oh well, my mother always did accuse me of being just like my father, full of pride.

The word pride has been "bugging" me since that day. I realize that I have been quite superficial in my blog writings lately, focusing on outside events and not on myself. Am I losing my pride (read conceit) because I am not focusing on self - physical, emotional, spiritual? Or is my pride causing me to not write about myself because I don't feel like it? Or I don't feel like I'm concentrating on my PES Project with the same vim & vigor that I had a few months ago? Or I'm scared to write about that I'm not doing so well on my food intake?

I know that in order to take the next steps in this journey, I had to face the facts. The facts are I've been more emotional lately, feeling stronger feelings of sorrow, loss, anger, happiness. The facts are I've been more open to spirituality lately, praying, accepting of God. The facts are physically, I've been walking two miles regularly with vim & vigor, yet my food intake has been more than needed.

Every morning when I walk I think about what I could write about in this blog, but time and guilt prevent me. Today, when I got home, hubby said, "You have not been on the scale in a while, what's up?" I had to admit I was scared to get on the scale because of my food intake. I vacillate from weighing daily to going a month without weighing. I never could stick to anything, even something like weighing regularly. I had in the past weeks also tried to justify my abstinence of weighing to the "fact" that I should not concentrate on the weight as much as the "principle" of physical health. So I decided to face the music and see how much I had gained. It was tough, because I know me...... any weight gain would have me depressed all day and for several days. Yet, I felt full of guilt knowing that I was the only one who put food in my mouth, it was my choice. So to compensate, I told myself, "I expect that I have gained X number of pounds since I last weighed."

I got on the scale and held my breath after expelling at least 3 ounces of breath. Even the air in your lungs is weight on your body, didn't you know that? I am sicko, I know! Or do other women "play" these games with the scale?

I was stunned! I was speechless! I had not gained any weight! I had maintained a "decent" weight loss (13%) for a month-and-half! I was ecstatic! What more can I write... except that my pride (satisfaction in one's accomplishments) can give me a sense of drive to accomplish the next step? I'm going for it.... 14% here we come! Peace.

Veterans

Today is Veteran's Day or I should say the weekday that the government says we celebrate Veteran's Day. How many of us really do celebrate Veteran's Day? Is it not just another day to celebrate having a holiday (day off of work) or just another day to not celebrate that banks & other federal offices are closed (i.e. no mail)? Celebrate is a very strong and joyous word and the concept is almost too strong for Veteran's Day. Don't we often think of "veterans" as those men and women) of World War II? Those veterans of my father's age or older. Isn't it kind of weird to think of those people (at their age) celebrating?

Honor the veterans seems so much more appropriate to me. Although I'm sure that 40, 50 and even 60 years ago, these people did celebrate Veterans Day. They celebrated that they were alive and back home, after WW II. They celebrated the peace that their war efforts brought to the world.

Hubby served this country during the Vietnam War and I just asked him, "Do you consider yourself a veteran?" He replied, "Yes, I am." I know that I often forget that he is a veteran, partly because I was not part of his life during that time. I think part of it is that Vietnam War had a finality that involved us vacating the country with thousands of people trying to climb on planes to escape with us (the USA). If you remember the news of that time, it was not a pretty ending. Needless to say, hubby served our country with honor.

My sister sent me an email today about thanking the veteran for our freedoms. Yes, we are a country full of freedoms and we have so much to be thankful for. Our veterans of wars, past and present have served our country in bringing peace to the world or parts of the world. They served a higher purpose than most of us can or are willing to understand.

Thank you to the veterans and their families. May we never forget their sacrifices and their efforts. May we honor them and celebrate their services.

Neighbors

Hubby & I just got back from a wonderful meal at our neighbor's place. In our married life, there have been very few places that we have lived and felt like we lived in a neighborhood or community. In Wisconsin we lived on a lake & those neighbors became such dear friends. I know that a couple of them can attest to how hard I cried when we moved. You would have thought some one died.

Then we moved here to the the Rio Grande Valley last year & we're in a community "of friends 55 and over." Until about three weeks ago, it's been fine living here. We have some couples that we play cards, dominoes or marbles with on Friday or Saturday nights. We have some neighbors that we play cards with on Tuesday nights. I have some neighbors that I see on my morning walk. There are some neighbors that hubby sees down at the pool. But some things have changed and I wrote about my feelings in Sunday's blog.

I truly did feel quite sad, maybe it was just the mood I was in, I'm not sure. But tonight, another neighbor invited us over to their place for fajitas and it was so good! It was "good" not only because of the food, but because of the companionship and love that was passed from neighbor to neighbor. We talked of a neighbor that is close to death and our hearts and prayers went out to he and his wife, who is tonight sleeping on the floor at the hospital.

Regardless of the turmoil happening here in my community or in my heart or the turmoil in your heart or life, there is hope. I say HOPE. I shout HOPE! :)

Doesn't it feel good? Even our neighbor that is close to death may at this time be reaching out his heart and soul to Jesus; where Jesus is saying, "Welcome to MY community, heaven!" God bless you, DB! God bless us ALL!

Old Age

This weekend hubby & I went to the island for a music fest and shrimp fest. Our main reason for going was for the shrimp fest as we both like shrimp and then hubby entered us on the music fest web-site for free tickets. I won a 3 day pass so then he paid for one. It was actually fun to sit and listen to different styles of music and have a few drinks. We stayed overnight there & took the bus and cab to our venues. Many of the bands seemed to be from Austin, TX and one band had a very loyal following of fans (about 20 young people). The music they played was reminiscent of the 70's and they (and their fans) dressed the part..... hippie-looking clothes, dreadlocks, sandals or no shoes.

All of sudden, I felt very OLD! I am old enough to be their grandmother! I just sat there dumb-founded. What happened to the years? What happened to me? What have I done? Oh my gosh, it was not a good feeling & I truly sat there so serious. I just wanted to cry. Where is my youth? Sometimes reality hits hard. Then an old favorite song of mine was played, "Rocky Top Tennessee." I just could not keep still any longer. I was up on feet clogging and clapping my hands and singing. I found my youth.... in my heart... young of heart. Music touches the heart and soul more than most anything can, I think.

I know that some day my feet won't "clog" and my hands won't "clap" and my voice won't "sing" and I can assure you that my heart will be smiling and jumping for joy when I hear Rocky Top Tennessee. In the meantime, I guess I will just act young at heart and maybe even embarrass myself. Because someday, I won't even remember that I've embarrassed myself. Someday, I won't even remember to be depressed about OLD AGE!

Blowing Off Steam!

Peace! Not right now, I don't feel it. Just got back from a two lap jaunt around my neighborhood. I stopped in to talk to a lady who's husband is dying of cancer. She was not home & her Sunday paper was at her door which tells me she's been gone to the hospital for a long day. I originally started my walk this evening to blow off steam. There's been some controversy brewing in our community and I've tried to stay out of it, but some things are getting on my nerves. I know some of my neighbors read my blog so no names will be mentioned as is usually my "policy" here in this blog.

Of course, I would run into five of the people "stirring" things up on my walk. I wanted to scream and confront them, but instead I cried. I wanted to say, "There are people in our community with cancer and dying, yet all you think about are your personal agendas and your personal vendettas. Get a life! Be thankful you have a life and a future in this beautiful community." But I can't control them, anymore than I can control my own emotions sometimes. I want to be able to continue to chat with and joke with the "stirrers," they are not "bad" people. Yet, my feeling is that they are trying to divide our community, into board of directors-supporters and board of directors-opponents. It's so unfortunate. It's so unnecessary. Why can't we all just get along? It's enough to make one cry.

Today

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Today is the first day of a new month. Today's quote on my "sisters" calender from Ralph Waldo Emerson:

Finish every day and be done with it.... Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays.

How many of us start the day realizing that this day is "too dear... to waste a moment on yesterdays"? All too often we are burdened or "cumbered with our old nonsense." We think about what we did or did not do yesterday. How many of us start the day with a "high spirit"? Do we often forget that a spirit can soar in height, even though we (or our loved ones) are suffering physically or emotionally? How often have we heard a person that is suffering say, "You lifted my spirits"? Yes, sometimes it is our spiritual self that gets us going in the morning and keeps us going throughout the day.

Today is a new day, "begin it well and serenely." Peace

Reinforcements

God sent the reinforcements to me! Pushing that boulder up the hill was getting very tiresome as I mentioned in my blog a couple of days ago. Like my sister commented, "an uphill battle."

I wasn't sure if I should give up or not. But God sent my youngest sisters with wonderful, up-lifting comments to make me feel so much better. God gave me the courage to get back on the scale after two weeks of eating.... too much and exercising.... too little! I really expected to have gained a lot of weight, but I was only one pound up. Then today God sent a co-worker from another department to come by and she exclaimed, "Rayna, you look awesome!" I kid you not, she said that. I know, I was surprised too.

These three "gifts" have given me the reinforcement to continue on this journey and push harder to get that boulder up and over that crest of a hill. Thanks, sisters & God!

Boulders of Life

It's been four months ago today that I got on the scale and decided it was time to do something about my weight and my health, ill-health that is. Four months does not seem like a long time, yet it sometimes feels forever. This week, I wonder what I have accomplished other than losing a few pounds. I have better eating and exercising habits. Note, I write "better" not very good or excellent. That's OK for right now. My self confidence and assertiveness is stronger. Writing this blog is a major contributor to this. I feel more open to a spiritual relationship with God. All of these are accomplishments for which I am thankful.

Today's local newspaper carried an Associated Press article about "The Diet Debate - Critics: Government Ads too Soft on Fat" and the fact that 2 of 3 adults are overweight or obese. The article says that the new series of public service announcements are "too soft" and are a "wimpy attack" on "explosion of obesity in America." The president of the Ad Council is quoted, "So many people, when they think about losing weight, see it as a Sisyphean task - 'I have to lose weight but I can't fit it into my busy schedule'."

I had to look up the word "Sisyphean" as I didn't know what that meant. It refers to a cruel king that was condemned to roll a boulder up a hill in Hades to have it roll down each time it got close to the top. I may not have known the word, but I know the concept. Very few of we overweight and obese people have not suffered from this " Sisyphean task."

A few weeks ago, I felt like that man .... just about ready to crest the hill of having one-half of my weight loss goal accomplished & then it would be downhill from there (losing the rest of the weight). Regretfully, right now, I feel like the downhill is on this side of the hill, not the other side. I'm straining to hold that "rock" in place, my feet are sliding down the hill, the rock is getter heavier and heavier. Part of me wonders if I should just let the rock go down the hill as I dive out of its way and catch my breath before I go down there & start pushing up again? Or should I keep pushing as hard as I can even though it's exhausting to do so? Maybe my recent physical pain in my back, leg and foot have more to do with my emotional exhaustion than I realized. Holding up the rock is hard work. I know some people do not believe in your psyche' contributing to your physical health, but I do. Until I wrote all of this out, I had not thought of my physical pains having anything to do with my journey to Peace.

Yes, I needed to write again. It's been too long since I had written "deep" stuff and I had thought that I had nothing more to say or nothing more that I wanted to say. I guess I was wrong. Being wrong has been a hard pill to swallow lately. I have been wrong about writing about others and not myself. It only leads to problems. Once a word is spoken (and written) you can't take it back. Then the speaker/writer has to suffer the consequences, which can be a heavy load to carry ... or a heavy load to push up the hills of Hades.

Food

I have been thinking about food lately.... and eating a lot of food lately. It's been hard to get back in the swing of things. Ever since this weekend, a couple of food events have stuck in my mind.

We have some picky eaters in my family and I think a sister called it "scary" food... like onions & mushrooms. A good example of picky eating was this weekend and two sisters ordered American fries. One ordered it with onions and cheese and the other ordered it without. I should say she ordered the waitress to have the cook "make mine (her fries) on a separate grill!" A separate grill that has not had the touch of onions on it. I didn't know that we could have kosher grills for American Fries. Needless to say, several of us - especially those of us that have worked short-order grills - burst out laughing at her request. What's even funnier was that she was dead serious! When it comes to onions, you don't mess around with this sister. We finally convinced her that requesting the cook make her fries first would be an appropriate request. She still really surveyed those fries before eating them.

Then in response to the comment about scary food, my hubby had to reply... "what will happen next year when you come to Texas for WWW and you're faced with menudo (stomach lining), barbacoa (beef cheeks), or churizo (highly spiced pork)?" Yes, I have tried all three of them and let's just say.... "I've tried it." You won't see me taking second helpings of the menudo, perhaps the barbacoa if it's not too fatty. But my Texan friends "love" it.

The other day one of our volunteers brought into work some sweet treats that I had not seen in a long time. This volunteer is Anglo and he brought graham cracker "sandwiches" with chocolate frosting in the middle as the filling. I had not had this treat in years so I grabbed one and devoured it. At lunch I was sitting with some of my Texan co-workers and one of them looked at the plate of treats and said, "What did Russell bring today?" The other two looked puzzled, perplexed and said as they wrinkled their noses, "I don't know what these are." I thought they were joking. I said laughingly, "What do you think these are?" I told them it was graham crackers with chocolate frosting. They said they had never heard of such a thing and they would not try them.... for fear of ....... I don't know what!

Yes, that was scary food for them. I guess there is scary food for all types of people, food that made us sick as children and we just can't quite swallow it as adults. Food that we have never seen or tried before and can not quite acquire a taste for it as adults. Food! So many different varieties and preferences.

I just wish that food was more scary and that I was a picky eater.... maybe it would be easier. You think?

Wild Women's Weekend

Well! Well, it's a deep subject. Heard that one before, have you? Again, well, it's been a while since I blogged and I have so many thoughts, it's hard to know where to start. This past weekend was my six sisters and my ninth annual sisters weekend, which we have titled, "Wild Women's Weekend."

First of all, I guess I'd have to say that I "fell off the wagon" this past weekend, I binged! I ate any and every kind of F food imaginable! I thought that with most of us sisters walking and/or in a weight loss program of some type, that the only kinds of food we would have at our sister's weekend would be healthy and nutritious. WRONG! I had to have my strawberry Twizzlers for my travel food, then we found an Amish bakery up the road that we unloaded about $60 total to them for candy, cookies, and pie. And then we went back there a second time on Saturday! I had tasted some of the candy that someone else bought on Friday so I bought two packages myself to take home. Last night as I was traveling by airplane to home, I was wondering what I was thinking buying all that candy to take home. Who was going to eat it? Me? Well, I knew that the candy was realllllly good and I was questioning myself if I could limit myself to one piece a day? Yet I promised myself that I would again eat healthy beginning today. I got home late (early this morning) about 1 AM, due to airline delays so I opened my suitcase long enough to check out the bag of chocolate chip cookies my friend, Vicki, sent with me for hubby. Everyone else, but me, makes him chocolate chip cookies.... that's a whole other blog subject. :)

Anyway, I put the cookies on the counter and left my suitcase on the dining room chair, figuring I would empty it today before work & stick the dirty clothes in the washer. This morning, after I moved the suitcase to the utility room, I felt a bite on my arm and hand. Lo and behold I had ants on me. It didn't take me more than a few seconds to figure out where those ants came from and I had a horrible thought, "They're in my candy, I bet!" Sure enough, my two packages of wonderfully, delicious candy were covered with ants! I guess I didn't have to worry about limiting myself to one piece of candy each day! Oh well, it's for the best for me, but I sure wish hubby could have tasted it.

I only walked one time in six days and that was an "accomplishment!" The small hamlet of a town that we were staying near had their first annual "stroll in the park" fun 5K run/walk on Saturday. All seven of us sisters participated and finished under an hour. It was fun as five of us had never done a 5K before. We even had our picture taken for the local newspaper, we all love attention.

Being with family can sometimes bring out the best in us and the worst in us! Why is that? Why does it seem sometimes that reason and logic go out the window when it comes to family? Is it because we know what "buttons" to push? Is it because we know each other so well that we don't think we have to be civil or tolerant of one another as we would with a stranger? Don't get me wrong, we didn't argue or fight all weekend. We just ..... had our moments.

I said something that one of my sisters took as sarcastic and/or accusatory and/or condescending .... and off we went to the "races." The race of which person can tell their side of the story and get the most other sisters to side with them? Yes, all of us sisters are thin-skinned in one way or another, another person can easily pierce our serenity and our sanity. In some respects I felt balanced this weekend being with family and in other respects I was way out of balance. It sure made home and hubby (and even work) look and feel wonderful after six days away!
Peace with you! Peace with me!

Spiritual Experience

Last week I wrote about weighing myself every day through last Saturday and the ups and downs of doing that. So this week I decided to weigh myself twice a week, but as it turned out it was a weekly weigh-in. Truthfully, my food choices have not been the best this week and I was scared to get on the scale. I did not want to see another 3-4 pound weight gain again! So I avoided the scale all week until today.

I have still been walking daily for two miles and I am trying some "jogging" sprints and "race" walking. It's getting my heart-a-pumpin'! It even affected my muscles in my legs, they were sore. But it feels good!

This morning I was the same weight as last Saturday. To me, that's success considering how I ate this week. I have lost a little bit over 13% of my body weight. The weight loss is slower now, but I'm still determined to lose 30% of my body weight.

This coming week I will be traveling to join my six sisters for our annual sister's weekend. One of the activities that is planned is to answer a dozen questions that will basically inform the others what's been happening for the past year in each of our lives - "all about you!" One of the questions is "Did you have a spiritual experience you wish to share?" I left that question blank until the end, because if you've been reading this blog, you know I have struggled spiritually. After reviewing my other answers, I came up with this response in referring to this PES Project.

At first I wondered if I would continue on this journey and when I passed the 25 pounds weight loss and then the 90 days mark, I felt like I had a spiritual experience. Because I thought "only God could keep me going with this."

It's not my will be done, it's His will be done. If it was my will, I would be sleeping in the morning and eating all my F foods- favorite or forbidden!

I am getting close to a weight that I got-down-to about 3-4 years ago, just before a Caribbean vacation. :) I am wondering what it will feel like to get one pound below that mark? Will I shout for joy or cry tears of joy? Stay tuned, it may happen this week or next week or the next week. I just know it will happen, if the good Lord willing and the creek don't rise!

Normal

Just a quick note in my blog. October is here and now maybe life and blogging will get back to normal. September flew by with a week's vacation and then a week of not feeling well and trying to get caught-up at work (a never-ending feat)j. Then two weeks with hubby in the hospital & rehab for double knee replacement surgeries. Hubby should be able to come home today, so maybe life can get back to normal. But a person has to be careful because isn't "normal just a setting on the washing machine"? I'm not even sure if that's the case anymore. This morning I threw a load in the machine and there are so many choices of settings for load size, water temperature and spin speed... that it's truly enough to make your head spin.

Saga

The saga continues. Since I last wrote this week, I lost 3 pounds one day, lost 2 more the next day, gained 1 pound the next day and now lost that pound. So now I'm at the same weight as last Saturday, however if you go by my daily weigh-ins I think I gained 7 pounds this week and lost 7 pounds. Go figure! Like I said before, sometimes you just have to laugh. :)

Yes, sometimes you just have to laugh with or at family too. The saga continues there too. First of all my six sisters and I are anticipating our annual sisters weekend (10/11-10/14), this will be our ninth annual Wild Women's Weekend. The first major decision is where are we going to stay? We found early on that we prefer to have a separate house so that we can whoop and holler and laugh loudly. Rather than get every one's fingers in the pie - which we ALL like to do- we designate two sisters to locate the place and the rest of us agree (read "keep our mouth shut"). It usually goes quite well and we get pictures and websites of the location so that we "dream" about it. Then the next decision is who's going to drive (carpool) and who's going to be in charge of food and activities. Well, it's two weeks away and we're still trying to decide who's going to drive. I think I drove six of the first seven years and I don't mind driving at all, however this year I will be flying in and have no car, so I'm trying to stay out of that decision.
Oh, I forgot, what time are we going to leave? Don't even go there, Rayna!

The other saga that our family is going through is planning my dad's 80th birthday party. We sisters thought we would keep it simple, just kids (8 of us) and our families for a total of around 30 of us, give or take an absent grand kid or step-grandchild. Since I was going up North two weeks before, I was not planning on going up for my dad's birthday, just spending a day after the sister's weekend with he and Mom. Then about two weeks ago, we all got the message from my dad, "It's my 80th birthday, I think that's a big deal and I want to celebrate it with lots of people." (read "with ALL my kids and grand kids"). In our family that means a big party! So then more discussion occurred between Mom, Dad and most of us kids. We are all so opinionated and certainly not afraid to voice our discontent if others don't agree with us. So with the first couple of rounds done, we have knocked-out some ideas and opinions. Now Dad is not feeling well so there are questions about what route do we continue on? I think Dad will rally round and knock us all out on the day of his party and be crowned champion! Oh yes, I made another plane reservation to go up for that weekend.

With both of these sagas, the e-mails have been flying over the computers. You can barely get one read before a response comes from another angle. One of my sisters has a saying she quotes that goes something like "Who took the FUN out of dysfunctional?" Family, you just got love them and laugh. Oh yes, as the oldest child, I usually throw my weight around with the best of them. I try to be witty (read "sarcastic at times"). Oops, one of my faults showing!

All-in-all, we always have a great time at our sisters weekends and I'm sure that this year will be no different. And we always have a nice, fun party for our get-together and I'm sure that Dad's party will be no different. It will be great.

Let me weigh the situation

There are two schools of thought on how often to weigh yourself. One requires a daily weighing so that you can see how what you've eaten and drank affects your weight. I'm trying that one right now. The other school of thought is to weigh yourself once a week, tried that too.

This morning I referred to my ups and downs on the scale. The more I thought about it, the more I realize that I like to "push that envelope." If someone says go right, I go left. I've done that since I was a small child. I am pushing-the-envelope by seeing how much or how little I eat affects my weight. So far, I don't see enough consistency in my diet or in my weight gains or loses to make a judgement call on the results. Except to say that the scale will go down, then up, then down again. Maybe I need a new scale!

Laugh

Sometimes, you just have to laugh!

Sometimes I enjoy watching AFV America's Funniest Videos and I laugh. Sometimes I reflex in pain at some of the videos! I laugh when I read my sister's "light-sided" blog about the antics and life of her and her family. I know laughter is good for a person, so today I just had to laugh! I know it's early and I already had a good laugh.

My weight has been all over the place the past week. I have been trying an experiment in weighing myself every day so that I can really see how my eating and drinking affect my weight. Last week I lost a pound on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Saturday, I gained 3 pounds and Sunday I lost 2 pounds. Monday I gained 4 pounds! And no, it's not time for my "monthly." Now, I also know why they (the diet experts) tell you NOT to weigh yourself every day. It will drive you nuts!

I guess I can laugh because I know that I will lose this weight again! I can't say for certain, what all does and does not affect my weight loses and gains, but I'm getting better ideas. Alcohol is a culprit, full of empty calories. Salt is a culprit, causing me to retain fluids. Being tired and/or bored is another culprit for me. Now if I could just maintain a steady food plan, but I still go up and down, back and forth in eating well and in eating not so well. I never have been very consistent.

Sometimes, you just have to laugh... or you may cry.

Path

I'm losing weight again. It's about time! :) I had hit that infamous "plateau" and I lived through it without going back to old habits and regaining the weight I lost. In one of my recent blogs, I think I called it (plateau) a catching-up phase.

I went on vacation and I did not gain any weight. Granted I may have gained some weight in the early part of my vacation, but I made the decision to stop eating those F-foods, Favorite or Forbidden, so that by the time I arrived home 10 days later I was the same weight as the day I started vacation. In the past I have lost weight FOR the vacation and then over vacation gone back to old eating habits and gained weight on vacations. In fact the scale is getting near a weight that I got-down-to just before vacation about 3 or 4 years ago. I am eager to reach that mini-goal and I am eagerly anticipating seeing numbers below that!

Vacation was good. It allowed me to slow down and relax. It allowed me to slow down the pace that my body and mind were going through. It allowed me to catch-up, but also allowed me to stop the "rat-race" for awhile.

Just other day I was thinking about the initial status of RAYNA thirteen weeks ago. I was pathetic. I weighed the most I have ever weighed. I felt every pound weighing me down - physically, emotionally and spiritually. I was full of apathy in many respects, indifferent to the damage I was doing to my body. I am still not sure why I decided to make this change, maybe because I knew I was on a downward spiral to self-destruction. Don't get me wrong, I was not suicidal in the usual sense. However I was on a downward path to the valley of death. Isn't it ironic that the four letters common in "pathetic" and "apathy" are PATH - road, way, course, track.

I have described (in previous blogs) about feeling like I was in a ditch, in all the muck and debris that gets tossed and washed from the roadways. A ditch is a valley. It's almost like I woke-up and decided I did not want to be there any longer. My first two months on the PES Project I was frantically crawling my way out of that ditch/valley. Clawing at the rocks and ground trying to get higher and away from the valley of death. I was racing against time. I was competing within myself. My whole being was frantic... emotions fighting against physical against spiritual against emotions. Round and round we would go until one part of me got "knocked-out" for the day.

Then I reached some solid ground, 10% weight loss, 2 miles a day walking. There was a plateau above the valley, I rested there. I regained some of my strength. I caught my breath. I allowed myself to enjoy the view. It was necessary.

I am moving again- walking, weighing, writing. I am climbing higher out of the valley, not crawling and clawing my way out. I feel a lot calmer. This is necessary. There are so many aspects of the journey that are necessary. I do have a destination on this path, however I also have a destination each day. What steps will I take to make my destination today? As I take each step what am I learning about myself? What aspects of myself do I want to take with me on this path? What aspects do I want to toss into the ditch?

So much to do and learn yet! I think I will just keep writing about the discoveries I make along the path. Ready for a walk? Join me on my journey!

Reflections

It's Saturday and twelve weeks ago, I embarked on this PES project. What am I thinking and feeling? Where am at - physically, emotionally, and spiritually? How have I changed? Who am I? Who have I discovered are my strong supporters- who is on this journey with me? What is my destination, if any? Lot's of questions. Lots of answers.

I sit here staring at the computer screen with my hands folded over my smaller pot belly stomach. A stomach that still protrudes but is not huge. Physically, I am feeling grateful. Once in a while, as I am brushing for teeth for example, I feel a tickle on my leg and I look down and it's my two thighs brushing up against one another. Before there was no room between them, they were cemented together in fat. I am able to walk 2 miles or more each day, sweating but not exhausted. In twelve weeks, I have lost just under 12% of my body weight. The weight loss is slowing down recently, but I am catching on faster to decisions about healthier eating habits. I went on vacation and upon return I had not gained one pound! To me, that was a "miracle." I did eat some F... foods, that is Favorite and probably Forbidden foods on vacation. But I did make a decision to stop that and eat healthy foods the rest of vacation. I made choices that were healthy.

Emotionally, I am feeling good! "Good" is good. I have a picture above my computer that is picture of a lake with a small island and the mountains in the background reflected in the lake. Below the beautiful picture is the phrase - "SERENITY Peace is found not in what surrounds us, but in what we hold within." So true, yet so hard sometimes to encompass that concept. No matter what my physical surroundings, I can choose to feel peace and act peacefully.

Spiritually, I feel grace. One of the descriptions of "grace" is temporary immunity from penalties granted after a deadline has passed. Right now, I am in that grace period of trying to right myself and find myself with God as I understand him. I am feeling open and willing. Those are accomplishments for me.

So in a nutshell, my twelve weeks of the PES Project have left me with feeling grateful, good and in a grace period. Not bad, compared to the beginning where I was depressed and in a dark period of my life.

I have to say that my willingness to share this journey with others through this blog has been a PLUS to my successes and changes. Knowing that there are others out there reading my blog, has kept me accountable in so many ways. I have been honest and forthright, perhaps to the point of wincing for some of my readers, that may have wanted to shout, "TMI - too much information!" BUT, it has helped me and truly this blog is ME. I don't try to gussy-up these musings for anyone. I really appreciate those who have read this blog and sent comments now & then, it's so hopeful for me, THANK YOU!

I am far from done with this journey, so don't think that I am going to stop blogging. A destination that I do have is to lose 30% of my body weight. At that point I will go over the threshold of being OBESE to OVERWEIGHT. A lady from work commented to me yesterday, that I should not lose too much more weight as I will "look old." I had to laugh!

A strong supporter to me has been my hubby. He sometimes "kicks" me out of bed in the morning, but not very often. My body has acclimated to the morning walk and I have to admit I think my body looks forward to it! Another miracle! Anyway, hubby cooks the meals for our evening meal as he is retired and has the time. He tries very diligently to make sure I eat healthy and in appropriate portions. He encourages me to blog and doesn't complain about the time I spend on the computer, he knows this is helping to keep me on track. I am thankful for him!

Thankful is big term, a big feeling, a big thought! When I started this PES Project, I was somewhat hopeful that I would still be doing this in twelve weeks, but based on my previous track records, it was doubtful. So I decided to give it a day at a time. One day became two days, then a week, and now twelve weeks. I will continue on this PES Project, it's my decision for today. PEACE to you!

Peace-Filled vacation

What a vacation! Awesome views and scenery.... I took over 1100 pictures! The new photo on this blog was taken at the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone. My hubby has been saying I need a new picture on the blog so this was the "best" of the pictures of me. It shows me having fun and being silly posing by a forked tree trunk.

I will share more about the vacation later.... glad to be home again after flights being cancelled and then threats made against our flight so we had to evacuated out of the plane at the end of the runway & then have a body search for each of us on the plane as well as our belongings. The safety and comfort of home feels good! Peace!

Vacation

"Leaving on a jet plane".... tomorrow that is! Going on vacation for 9 days. I will try to see if there is a computer around to blog, but you never know. We're going to the "wilds" of the USA, Utah, Idaho, Montana and Wyoming. Plan to see national parks and take lots of photos.

This is the first vacation that I have not really tried to lose weight for it. You know, lose weight for those big events... weddings, reunions, vacations, etc. Then it's back to reality and the weight comes back on and plus some weight, which often happens.

My focus leading up to this vacation has been in healthy eating and exercising. I know they have roads/streets up there to walk so I should be able to get a mile or two in every day. Plus many hotels have an exercise room, maybe I'll try something different. It will be fun!

Food and eating is a concern as my brain seems to also go on vacation and "logic" stays home. We'll see how we do. I will catch up on all details when I get back! Peace!

Plan to Balance

Here's a quote from Guideposts magazine that Robin Miller, from the Food Network, wrote:

"In my career, writing cookbooks and eventually appearing on television, I was determined to help people develop healthy relationships with food. There are no 'taboo' foods - unless you have a medical condition that requires a special diet, like diabetes. Otherwise, it's all about balance. And balance isn't the same as control. I eat lots of vegetables and fruit. I believe it's essential to exercise and eat healthy. But it's impossible to do that if you feel anxiety about food. You should love your food! People often ask me what they should cut out of their diet. 'Nothing,' I say. 'Take longer walks instead.'"

I think that there is a lot of wisdom in this message. I have been expressing basically the same concept for weeks now. I have not called my lifestyle change a "diet" because that word/concept gets me feeling anxious about my food. The thought of "diet" brings on feeling of deprivation, then despair - "I want that, why can't I have that?"

BUT I am beginning to realize that in my "balancing" of food, I need to eat less of certain foods or cut them out of my food plan entirely in order to LOSE weight. Yes, food is not "taboo," however, some foods may be "triggers." Triggers to our system and psyche to eat more. For some people it may be sweets, others it's flour, others it's meat..... the list can go on and on! Some of us may know right off the bat what our trigger food is, others of us discover as we go forward. I gave up my nightly snack of ice cream as soon as I started this lifestyle change. I thought it would be a struggle, however after the first week, I have hardly missed it. However, the "nightly snack" habit is still a thorn in my side. Lately, I have been having mixed nuts. Now, I know that nuts are a healthy snack for fiber, they are not "taboo." However, one nut equals twenty nuts for me. I can't have just one. Nuts are a trigger for me.... to want more. Even if I measure out the nuts for recording fat grams and calories, I will still go and get more. It's a food that I need to avoid or cut out of my diet.

DIET Die-it That food needs to die (go away) from it - my food plan!

Another thing I have realized in my own life and now in reading emails from others is how much an effect the lack of planning has on our lifestyle, our eating habits, and our ability to make changes in our life - such as lose weight. Before I know it, I have chowed-down this or that, then the remorse comes later or the insight comes later. Remorse may be a strong word, but it seems appropriate many times. Remorse may be the the basis of bulimia. The insight becomes a questioning of myself. Why can't I THINK before I act (eat)? Why can't I PLAN instead of being compulsive?

Compulsiveness is the basis for the need of groups such as Overeaters Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous. Yes, I have tried Overeaters Anonymous, but I did not recognize my own compulsiveness as I was rejecting their concept of "obsessiveness." I don't eat a whole bag of chips, cookies, pasta, etc, etc.... in one setting.

Getting back to my original thought, PLANNING takes work. It takes effort. It's sometimes much easier to fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants and EAT whatever we want (i.e. compulsiveness). Planning is the basis of balance ... which is what I think the author, Robin Miller, was promoting in the quote above. By planning my food, I can determine and decide to have a balance of foods. This plan or balance may include more of one type of foods and less of another. Each person is different so I can't determine any one's food plan other than my own. It has been trial and error for me and I'm still learning.

Peace!

Catching up

There is a word to describe a stop or slow-down in weight loss, it's called a "plateau." I have come up with a different phrase, I'm calling it "catching-up." My physical, emotional & spiritual selves are catching up with the whirlwind journey I have embarked on. It seems that everything has been going fast, including weight loss. Emotions have been flying around me and in my head for weeks now, many expressed here in this blog.

The past couple of weeks, I have needed to catch-up with everything. Slow down the thoughts and emotions, which means blogging/writing less. Slow down the weight loss, which means eating more. Not really eating a whole lot more, I'm maintaining. I feel like I needed my skin to catch up on the weight loss, so I don't have to have a tummy tuck later. That may sound crazy and perhaps sounds like an excuse, but I'm OK with this slow-down. Granted I want to lose more weight and I will.

I realize that I need to have a "burning desire" to lose weight more than my burning desire to eat certain foods. I have to remind myself, "I know what that (food) tastes like so I don't need to have that food right now." I may decide later or tomorrow to have that food, BUT right now I don't need it, I know what it tastes like. A desire is something or someone we want so badly, that it hurts just thinking about not having it in our life. It burns us, it brands us.

What burning desire do we each submit or give in to? Is it appropriate for our life? Is it healthy for us? What catching up do we each need for our life?

Peace!

Darkness & Doubt

I read with interest the article that describes Mother Teresa's decades-long battle with darkness, doubt and spiritual drought. Who would have thought? I was certainly surprised.

I am certain that most of us would doubt the existence of a loving God if we, like her, had witnessed all the poverty, illness and starvation in India. Yet she continued to serve God's people throughout her life. What a noble woman!

I agree with the people that think that her letters should be made public, it has already brought inspiration to me. To think that a woman-of-God, who dedicated her life to serving God by serving humans, had cries of anguish and could be honest about her thoughts and feelings is remarkable. What a remarkable woman!

Mother Teresa was honest with God. In my previous blog entries I have expressed my doubts and spiritual drought, and I gather comfort in the fact that I am not alone in these experiences. It reminds me of an old motto, "Christians are not perfect, just forgiven." What a powerful word.... forgiven. If we confess our sins to God, we will be forgiven. The slate of sin is wiped clean.

Mother Teresa was not perfect. What a human woman! May this "human" side of her open up the dialogue for doubters like me to express & feel God's love in the forgiveness. May this "human" side of her open up the windows and doors to shed light on my darkness. May this "human" side of her open up the dams of refreshing water to rid my life of spiritual drought. May the experiences of Mother Teresa open up our hearts and minds to God's love.
Peace.

Doing a double take

Sorry about the duplicate posts from this morning & last night! For some reason I could not get my Friday's entry to post, so I re-wrote it this morning & when I "published" this morning's entry, both of them published. I really don't like seeing me "double." But I'm not computer-savvy enough to know how to delete one of them.

I do notice on my current picture that my double chin is not as prominent. There's hope for me yet! Peace

Happy Day!

In honor of my 10% weight loss. I ordered myself a matching skirt and top and then another top all in a smaller size. I thought that I may have to hang them up in my closet for incentive, but they all fit. YEA! Happy Day!

Thanks to all who read this blog and have given me so much encouragement to continue on this journey. You comments and e-mails mean a lot to me Peace!