Whew!

I'm feeling good and relieved that the injections are over and I'm on to the next step... maintenance plan.  I already have been told that the maintenance plan is basically the Atkins plan, no carbs and sugar.  I am just hoping that I can add a bit of variety to my diet.  One of the proteins that I could eat was shrimp, so I had my fill of shrimp in the past three weeks. 

Last night we went to Red Lobster for a dinner party for Paul's men's group from church.  I just could not order shrimp, so I chose oven-grilled flounder and broccoli.  Yes, I did have ONE of their delicious biscuits.  It tasted good, it was the most carbs I've had in three weeks!  Usually, when eating at Red Lobster, I have been known to eat at least two, if not three of those biscuits.  I have learned over the past weeks, that my body can not take that much carbs, without raising my blood sugar and adding weight. 

Tonight I go to the doctor for my final weigh-in and measurements.  I know that I lost 23 pounds and some inches, I can tell it in my clothes.  I am thankful for this loss and I am thankful I decided to do something for myself.  I hope I have learned for the last time, that I must eat healthier in order to be healthier!  I know that I have learned this lesson many times before when I have lost weight.  Only to go back to nasty old habits and regain the weight.  At my age, I don't know how many more chances I will get to relearn this lesson, if I don't take it seriously right now!  Lord help me!

Into the future!

In another week or so I will be done with this phase of an intensive weight loss program.  The injections and the very low calorie diet will be done.  Done, just in time to go on vacation.  Do I ever plan things right?  Because the next phase will be upping my daily calorie intake a bit, in other words I can have more vegetables. I never would have thought that I would crave broccoli and green beans. 

I am already thinking (read - worrying) about the future.  Will I be able to maintain my weight loss while on vacation, when all my meals will be bought in a restaurant?  Will I be able to find enough foods that I can eat?  Will I cave in to my cravings... other than broccoli and green beans? 

The program suggests that a person take a portable scale with them on vacation so that you can monitor weight gains and act appropriately.  It is also written that if you depend on how your clothes fit, you won't get the true status of your body.  I know that it may seem as though I'm obsessive about weight and checking it every day.  But I have to admit that my weight gains of 5-10# have usually occurred when I have NOT looked at my scale in weeks or months.  It is true for me that I don't realize I'm gaining THAT MUCH weight until it's too late. 

Too-late for me is dangerous.  High weight for me = High cholesterol, high blood sugar, high risk of heart attack or stroke.  Those are "highs" I don't need. 

Lord, help me focus on today's food plan and not worry about the tomorrows of my life.  My only "worry" should be how to pack my portable scale in my luggage.  Don't worry, I will find a way!

Steps

Two weeks ago, I had just about reached the end of my rope.  Actually, there have been a few times this fall that I felt that way.  This day was the most recent end-of-my-rope days.  Everything seemed to be out of control or at least out of MY control... my weight, blood sugar, mood, etc, etc. 

I realized that I had to do something for my health, beside the anti-depressant that I basically begged my doctor to prescribe for me a week earlier.  So I decided to do the HCG injections in effort to lose weight and fat.  I knew several people at work that had done it with success.  I heard they also have drops that you put in your mouth, but the doctor's office said, "they are not as effective." 

I got an appointment that day and went to hear about the injections and 500 calorie diet.  I paid my money and wondered if I really would be able to give myself injections.  I have not liked needles since I was kid and like most kids I would cry and scream when the needle was in sight.  The nurse told me, "you won't even feel this injection, it will hurt much less then taking your blood sugar."  Ya, right?

It was with a great amount of trepidation that I took my syringes, my documents and left the office.  All night I dreamed about needles.  The next morning I prepped myself and put the tip of the needle on my belly.  I took a deep breath and then a miracle happened.  I looked down, the needle had already penetrated my skin and I didn't even feel it!  A little push to get the needle (only about 1.5 inches) into my fat and push the medicine into my body.  WooHoo!  I did it! 

And I have done it every day since.  Plus I have been on low calorie diet, that has virtually no carbs and no sweets and no alcohol.  Already I have seen results, 15 pounds down, swelling is gone in my feet, blood sugar in normal ranges (without pills).  I am pleased with these steps and these results.  But I would die for a piece of pizza right now!

One of the people at work said, "Rayna, it's all in your head."  The HCG injections jump start my weight loss, but I know that I have to work on my mind games in order to keep the weight loss and keep the healthy eating continuous.  As I have written before, I am not so-good about perseverance, so this will be a challenge.  Can I do this?

Stick with it!

Perseverance has never been my forte'.  My claim to fame is that the only thing I have stuck-with for a long time is my husband!  :)  Everything else gets abandoned in a few short weeks or years.  I can't even count how many books I have started and never finished.  Part of me says, "So what?" Another part of me says, "Why me?"  Why can't I stick with anything?

Am I afraid of endings, completions or success?  I don't think so.  Am I just bored after a certain time?  Maybe.  It's a puzzling aspect of my life that I wonder if it will ever change.  Who knows. 

I feel quite well after six days on this new "journey."  So, I'm also getting paranoid about and questioning myself "When is the ball going to drop and stop me in my tracks?"  Hmmm. Interesting.  One day at a time.

Time will Tell!

I just happened to review my two recent posts and saw that I had signed-off on both of them with the phrase, "Time will tell!"  It wasn't intentional, but it must have something to do with my subconscious thoughts.  One day at a time is my motto for the day. 

Try it!

Yesterday, I did something I thought I would never be able to do and it went just fine.  Sometimes the perceptions we allow in our brains become reality and we freeze.  We don't want to move forward or do anything. We are frozen with fear.

Sometimes I am more frozen with fear when thinking that things will never change.  So when an option comes around and I finally grasp at it, turns out to be not so bad after all.  But this is just the beginning, so I don't want to get too excited yet. 

I have been down this road before, getting started and not finishing the project.  I lack perserverance!  I can't stick it out for the long term.  I jokingly claim that I've only stuck-it-out for two things - my marriage and my being fat!  Through thick and thin... I should say thick and more thick... I have stayed married and stayed fat. 

Time will tell!

Options & Opportunities

There have been times in my life where I felt or thought I didn't have any options or opportunities.  I think that there are always options, but I don't see them or I don't want to make the effort to exercise my options. 

Today, I took one of those options and made it a reality.  I must say I feel hopeful.  I realize that taking that option is only the first step and now I must continue to make that option work for me.  No matter what, I am hoping that this option will get me further down the road in good shape.  Time will tell!

Old people

Vince Gill (singer/songwriter) was asked what made him start watching his weight.  He replied, "I came to the realization that you don't see a lot of really old heavy people.  So my goal is to be a skinny old man." 

How true that is!  I live in a subdivision that is for residents over 55 years and our church is full of old people that come to the Valley for the warm winters.  I don't either see a lot of really old heavy people.  So what does that say about my future as an old person?  It's not very promising! 

I get so focused on the unfairness of not being able to retire at 60 years, that I eat to make up for the unfairness.  It seems that I eat what and when I want, I can control that.  Other things in my life like my retirement funds and medical insurance costs seem out of control.  I can't deny I've been a "it's not fair!" person all my life.  I can't deny I've been a dream-of-the-future person all my life.  I have always had a hard time staying in the present and savoring the moments. Unless I am savoring the food of the moment. 

Part of me has given up hope for a lot of years ahead.  I've been told that I won't have enough money in retirement funds to last me 10 years, much less 20 years.  So I guess I spend my money and then let nature takes its course?  I don't know!! 

On the road again!

Can't wait to get on the road again!  My favorite words from a good ol' country song.  This time, I'm not talking about taking a another road trip to see the sights of the world.  This time, I'm talking about my journey to feel and think better.  I've had some very stinkin' thinkin' going on lately and it's affecting me in more ways than I'm willing to share here... atleast right now.

On this journey, unlike my road trips where I jump right into the action, I have to first pick myself up off the ground.  It's a humbling place and a painful place to be, but I'm willing to stop groveling in the gravel of life's roads.  The willingness to stop groveling is a first big step.  This whole line of thinking reminds me of the 12 step program.  One of the first steps has to do with "willingness." 

You know, as painful as it's been... the pain becomes a part of me.  It's familar and it's difficult to let go of the that.  Letting go leads to willingness, I hope!  I wish I knew the answers

What would you do?

Almost a decade ago, our lives were upset by the terrorist attacks of 9/11/01.  A week ago, I was pleasantly surprised to hear that bin Laden had been killed.  In some ways, my life had moved on after the terrorist attacks to the point of seldom thinking of bin Laden or the al-Qaeda network of terrorists.  The thoughts mainly popped up while traveling by air, with all the security regulations, scanning, etc.  I would find myself surveying the fellow passengers waiting to board the plane.   Are they a threat to my safety?  I reasoned my "paranoia" to the better-be-safe-than-sorry philosophy.

Easter Sunday, a week before the news of bin Laden's killing, we were boarding a plane to return home after a week's vacation in Arizona.  Standing in line to board, I heard shouting and I turned to see four men running towards the gate.  My heart leaped into my throat and my first thought was, "I don't want to fly on this plane!"  The men were of mid-Eastern descent with full black beards and turbans on their heads.  They were shouting, "We need to get on the plane." 

All the fears, warnings, racial profiling... whatever came to my mind.  Luckily, the gate agent quickly intervened as the crowd parted for them and we all were silent.  I am sure others had similar thoughts and we are all dumb-struck.  At this time, I noticed that they were all wearing blue hockey jerseys and laughing at their predicament... being late for the plane.  It seemed like a oxymoron... "terrorists" wearing hockey jerseys and laughing???  The gate agent told them that there had been a gate change and their plane was leaving from another gate and directed them across the gateway.  RELIEF is what I felt.  I can't deny it! 

Yes, I'm glad that bin Laden is out of the picture.  I think I speak for many of us when I say that our lives were affected by the 9/11/01 attacks.  We will never be the same and maybe there's a lesson to be learned.  Maybe we don't take things quite as much for granted.  Hopefully, we don't take our freedoms for granted. 

If those four men would have been flying on my plane, would I have gotten on the plane? 

Yes, and I would have probably called my parents and as many siblings as I could, to say "I love you" before they told us to shut off our phones.  Then I would have prayed that if it was my last flight, I was ready to fly to heaven.  I have had a good life!

Shaken to the core!

Last week some activities of our sub-division neighbors was brought to our attention.  It shook us (hubby & me) up to the point of where we are still shaking our heads.  A woman and a man from two couples decided to inter-tangle with one another in an affair.  Now that happens everywhere and at anytime, but why is this shaking us to the core?


I have known people, even family members, that have had affairs with others and it's caused the break-up of marriages.  These didn't bother me as much, but this is the first time that I have known all four people involved. 


I have know people that have had affairs with others when they were younger and not married very long.  These didn't bother me as much, but this situation involves people over sixty years old and one couple has been married 42 years. 


I have know people that have hot and heavy sex lives when they were younger, but the libido wanes as a person ages.   This situation involves people over sixty years old having sex.  Does this give me hope or despair?  Despair in the fact that being over sixty does not guarantee that your spouse will stay faithful. 


Yes, I'm shaking my head in disbelief and despair.  It's tough "pill" to swallow seeing two couples lives change so dramatically.... divorce, selling homes, moving across the country, and most importantly, never having the kind of relationship and friendship that there was in the past.  Those changes are happening to the four and yet being a bystander to all this is not easy either.  What do I say?  What do I do?  Who do I believe? 

I do know that this situation has given a lot of us an opportunity to talk with our spouse and truly share our thoughts, feelings and fears.  As hubby says, "We're stuck with each other."  I'm glad and thankful!

Days, days and daze!

Apparently today was Start! Walking day.  I guess the "national organization of choosing what to celebrate today" decided that it's been three months since the New Year and all of our start-walking resolutions, so they made up a "day" to remind us.  This week is Patient Access week, where we honor and celebrate the registration and admissions staff at hospitals, of which I'm proud to be a "member."  Next week is Volunteer week, next month we have Hospital week and Nurse's day, etc, etc.  Those are the "days" that some may not have heard of unless they work in the healthcare setting.  But we've all heard of Bosses Day, Sweetest Day, Secretary's (now Administrative Professional) day which is the day before Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work day. I have a nickname for these type of days.... Hallmark holidays.... a way to sell more greeting cards.


Speaking of days, we look forward to certain days, whether they are national holidays or personal holidays.  Personal holidays like anniversaries, birthdays, start of vacation day and other events we consider major.   My "niece" likes to do a count-down of days until the events in her life.  She counts down to weekend camping trips, annual family cookie bake, and other fun things.  There are even count-down clock/calendars on the internet so a person does not have to manually count up the number of days.  I have been counting down the days until vacation and more importantly the number of days to retirement. 


Sometimes, I feel that I'm wishing the days would go by so fast that I miss out on the journey and adventure of each day.  As in starting to walk, I focus so much on being done with the walk or completing a mile, that I miss the beauty of the area I'm walking through or I miss the cool breezes on my face.   I seem to be so focused on dates and  times of the future, that I'm afraid that I will suddenly find myself old, with no recollection of how I got this old!  It's like my life is in a daze. 

Hugs!

"Consider Yourself Hugged!" That's what my calendar says this month. Some people are really a hugger. They hug everyone or they hug tight and long. There is the frontal hug, where the front of both persons is touching. There is the side hug, where the hips are touching and arms are looped around the backs. I've never been much of a hugger. Maybe it's embarrassment over my large boobs or my large body. It's sometimes uncomfortable. For some reasons, one of the most uncomfortable hugs is from my mother. The reason I say "from" is because seldom will I initiate the hug. I think I'm angry with her. I think I'm afraid of her. If you were to see my mother, you would question my being afraid. She petite, frail and humped over with osteoarthritis. For some reason, I emotionally feel that when her arms are wrapped around my back that she's going to stab me in the back. I don't trust her. And since I don't trust her, I'm angry. Holy Crapola! Little did I know that when I sat down here this morning, I'd be pouring out this stuff. That's what writing does for me.... empties my soul on paper.

Weight, or did you say wait?!?

The other night we went to seafood restaurant and pigged out on decadent shrimp stuffed with crab and covered in melted Parmesan cheese. Plus we had a frozen drink that gave me an ice-cream-headache. Felt stuffed to gills after that. Then today we went to another restaurant for their champagne brunch. Did not get quite as stuffed, but certainly ate a lot. How am I ever going to lose weight doing this kind of eating? Yesterday morning I had a thought, "I'm not going to get my hair cut until I lose 30 pounds." Then this image of myself came to mind.... an eighty year old lady with long gray hair trailing behind her. Not a pretty sight, but realistic! I know that most of the weight-loss articles tell a person to think positive as in, "Upon losing 10 pounds, I'm going to treat myself to a pedicure." Heck! I treated myself to a pedicure yesterday for making it through a work week without hurting myself or someone else! Now, I've got a trip planned in December to the Caribbean and a sailing boat cruise. So what do I think about, "I wonder if I can lose 30 pounds by then?" I know! It has to be a lifestyle change. But I've got almost 60 years of life style to change! I know! It's just one day/step at a time. But I don't make it through one day and I don't take that first step. I know. It only takes 30 days to develop a habit. But I can easily break a good habit even after 30 days. I walked every day for over 3 months, missed one week and have rarely walked a mile since. I know how to lose weight and exercise. But do I want to lose weight and exercise? Apparently not. I think I'll just wait until after vacation to think about this again!

Travel

Anyone that knows me well, knows that my theme song is Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again." I love to travel & explore new roads and re-visit old roads. Next month, Paul & I will be in Arizona for a week. We're going to the Grand Canyon for a couple of days. It was ironic that today at work, I spoke with two other people going to the Grand Canyon within a few months. Neither Paul or I have been to the Grand Canyon for 30+ years, so we're looking forward to it. What's comforting, yet amazing is that the canyon itself will be just the same. It's the rim area around it that will have become overgrown with hotels and businesses, right? Time will tell.

Our neighbor has been bringing over their RV magazines as they finish reading them. They lived full-time in an RV and then sold it all. Then they built a house here in our subdivision and within a week, they bought another RV. :) They realized it was in their blood and couldn't resist buying another. I know that RV'ing has been in my blood for years, just don't have the RV to fulfill that dream/desire. My dream wish was for a little gypsy wagon to pull behind my car. I do want to go a little faster than horses. I'd park it in canyon by a slow-moving river and watch the sunset (probably have to take a few photos) and then watch the moon and stars put on their nightly show. No mosquitos, just coyotes howling in the distance. Oh my!

We are fortunate that we have options for the life we have ahead. We can go down any road we want and stop when we want. The open road awaits us, I wonder what's around the corner??

It's About Time

It's been over a year since I posted any comments on my blog. It's about time I get back in the writing mode. Facebook doesn't allow me to go to any length on my comments and I can "sermonize" like the best of them. :)

What's been happening in my life since last March? Alot of travel and fun, working, and still trying to have peace in my life. I've been reading lately that people who have peace and serenity in their lives often achieve it by giving to others. Giving of their time, talents and treasures. Umm! Sounds like "stewardship." Sounds like "volunteering." Sounds like giving is the key to serenity. Yet we want serenity and peace, we want more. How does that work? In order to get or gather into ourselves, we need to give to others? In order to wrap our arms around ourselves with peace and serenity, we need to open our arms to others. Seems like opposites attract, right?