Evaluation

Today I went into work for a few hours to give several staff their annual evaluations. I was hesitant and therefore procrastinated this task until the end of the month as last year's evaluations went rather poorly. Staff were resentful because they did not get their expected raises in salary. Our company policy is to do all evaluations at one time and then annual raises occur on your anniversary data. The process is a pain when you have almost 20 staff, but it is easier to compare them to each other and what is expected of them.

Three of the four evaluations I planned to do today were with very strong-influential and strong-willed employees. Mirror images of me, huh? This morning I did something differently, I prayed for each one of them. I prayed for me too that I would be able to explain how I evaluated them and how much I value them. The interaction was great! One of the staff that really gave me a difficult time last year over her evaluation and has provided some stressful moments during this year, simply said, "I agree with your evaluation. Thank you."

I am thankful for answers to prayer, that I could give them worthwhile feedback as well as ideas for improvement. The experience that I expected to dread turned out to be a worthwhile interaction. Miracles never cease!

Secrets

I have a nine-year-old nephew that my sister writes about in her blog. He's a character as most nine-year-old's are with an answer for everything. Some of his answers seem that he's lived a life way beyond nine years. In her blog today, she quoted him as saying, "I have a whole secret world you know nothing about." As she wrote, it was enough to "shoot arrows into her heart." I had to laugh as I can just imagine him saying that.

It also got me thinking. This past weekend I was honored to receive letters from family, friends, neighbors and co-workers. It was over-whelming! It was so touching! Some of the letters remarked about my "smile," my "humor," my "kindness." Were those people talking about me? I felt like I was overlooking "someone else" as "she" read the letters because I have had a "whole secret world" that I lived in that I did not always show to others.

The whole secret world of feeling unworthy, never praying, being depressed and resentful. I know that some of this I have expressed here in my blog, my "diary." It was evident that my "secret world" was falling apart, especially since the beginning of the year. But as I wrote in Sunday's blog about the parable of my journey, it's been seven years of rocky travels for me. I wonder if God felt as though I was "shooting arrows into His heart" when I had this secret world.

At the closing service on Sunday, I remarked that I had "cried more tears in the past 72 hours than I had in the past ten years." I am a person that did not cry or I cried so seldom that I would wonder if I would ever cry again. My heart had become so hardened, that I allowed little emotion (other than anger) to be released from my being, much less my tear ducts. Tears were a foreign object to me. This weekend's tears were cleansing. The tears were necessary. The tears showed my emotions. The tears signified that I was living again. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my body. I looked in mirror on Sunday night and I could have sworn I looked skinnier!

I view myself in a whole new light after this weekend. I am living in a new body. I have been created a new. It feels so good! I don't want to live in another "whole secret world" any longer. I want the new me to show to others. I want the new me to be transparent so that it will show to all that my heart is beating again. My heart is no longer hard as a rock. No secrets. PEACE

Bits & Pieces

Tonight, I am quietly settling back into life after an amazing weekend. I want to share with you some of the bits and pieces of written prayers and verses we received this weekend. They don't list the authors of these, so I can only presume all the glory goes to God. Enjoy & Share!

"Gracious God, thank you for the gift of today. Refresh me... Invite me to discover your Presence in each person that I meet and every event encountered. Teach me when to speak, when to listen, when to ponder and when to share. In moments of challenge and decision, attune my heart to the whisperings of your Wisdom. As I undertake ordinary and unnoticed tasks, gift me with simple Joy. When my day goes well, may I rejoice! When it grows difficult, surprised me with new possibilities. When life is overwhelming, call me to Sabbath moments to restore Peace and Harmony. May my living today reveal your Goodness. Amen"

"If God granted you 70 years of life... you would spend 23 years sleeping; 14 years working; 8 years watching TV; 8 years in amusement; 6 years eating; 4 years in transportation; 4 years in conversation; 1 year reading; 1 year in education.... and if you went to church every Sunday and stayed until the ending hymn finished and prayed 5 minutes morning and night, you would be giving God five months of your life. Five months out of 70 years? Hmmmmmm?"

"I found a penny laying on the ground,
It is not just a penny this little coin I found.
Angels drop one when you are feeling blue
As a reminder of the Father's Love for you.
So don't ignore that penny when you are rushing through the day.
Pick it up and smile because an Angel passed your way."

"Top Ten Predictions for 2008
1. The Bible will still have all the answers
2. Prayer will still work
3. The Holy Spirit will still move
4. God will still inhabit the praises of His people.
5. There will still be God-anointed preaching.
6. There will still be singing of praise to God.
7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people.
8. There will still be room at the Cross.
9. Jesus will still love you.
10. Jesus will still save the lost."

"God whispers in your soul and speaks to your mind. Sometimes when you don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at you. It's your choice: Listen to the whisper or wait for the brick."

Though I Walk Through the Valley...

For the past seven years, I have been in a valley. The valley has a narrow bottom with just enough room for a rocky path. I had been crawling on my hands and knees, bruising and cutting them on the rocks as I travel along the path. The scars had developed into callouses. I kept my head down much of the time, feeling beaten. My back hurt from trying to lift my head to feel the sunshine and my shoulders formed into a drooping hunch. It's been hard to see very far in front of me, much less being able to see the top of hills that surround the valley.

I even moved a long ways away and built a new shelter in the valley, and yet I was still in the same valley, littered with stone and rocks that made my path anything but smooth. Due to my crawling on these rocks day in and day out, I became familiar with them. The rocks had names, Stubbornness, Anger, Control, Resentment, Intelligence, Forgetfulness, Ignorance, Carelessness and Envy. I knew them by name, yet I hated them and didn't want to recognize them. Not only were these rocks creating callouses on my hands and feet, my heart was becoming calloused, hardened and unmoving. The hardening of the heart was hurting my partner in the valley, my husband. We walked on the same path in that valley, but I found myself moving further and further away.

Yes, there were brief moments of laughter and fun with hubby, family and friends. And occasionally I would feel the warmth from the sun which reminded me of God's love. I knew there was another being in the valley, the Son of God, Jesus Christ. But it had been so long since I even had a glimpse of him that I was not sure He still even existed, at least not for me.

About nine months ago, I started to make some changes in my daily walks on the path. I tried to get off the path into the green grass and take better care of myself. I crawled faster and got quite good at speed-crawling. But it was not enough, I felt lonely even amongst all the people I knew were my family and friends. Something, someone was missing. I knew the answer was a relationship with Jesus Christ. But where was he? I had not prayed in months. I had not called out to the Lord in months. How could I expect God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit to even know I was here in the valley? I wanted to search and find my "spirituality" but I was embarrassed. So I kept plodding along, hurt and dejected.

One day not too many weeks ago, an angel appeared next to me on the path, I had seen her around my work place and casually talked about the green parks that dotted the valley. She asked me, "How do you like living in the valley?" Typical me, I said, "Oh, it's fine." I was not really sure if I meant it or not. I think I mentioned wanting to develop some friendships (relationships) with other women. Of course, it was much easier to think about developing new relationships with people that could not see my callouses on my feet, hands and heart, than it was to think about renewing or rejuvenating old relationships, including the one with my husband, family and friends.

Before, I knew it she was telling me about a Christian retreat, The Walk to Emmaus. And before I knew it, I was signed up. Then panic set in! What have I done? Would I have to meet Jesus? Would I have to change my life? As much as I "hated" that rocky path, it was familiar and I had gotten used to it. What was I going to do?

I was taken to an unfamiliar part of the valley on Thursday night and by Friday morning in my anger and controlling ways, I was physically lost. Another angel came to lead me out of the thickets and back to the rest of the sheep. Yes we were like sheep, in groups, I resented that! I'm a "human being" even if I am crawling on all fours like a sheep. I started to cry and then the angel said something about me being "lost." I said or almost shouted, "I'm lost in more ways than one!" That admission got me crying and crying. Yes, that statement was the admission ticket to a private meeting with Jesus. Little did I know that then.

I learned a lot that day, but the first thing I learned was that my priorities were out of balance. Me out of balance, when I've been spouting-off (in this blog) about balance and peace? More tears, more tears! I was starting to flood the valley with the tears. I spent some time with ministers and laypersons getting some answers. That night I knew I had to make a choice, re-connect with Jesus or forget it. I used my tear-stained admission ticket to meet with Jesus. It was scary, but He quickly comforted me when I told him my dilemma. His answer was, "I will not fail you. I will not fail you." It was sure-fire, safe venture! How could I refuse? I asked Him to walk beside me, carry me, push me, whatever He needed for me. I wanted to connect with Him, I wanted Him in my life.

The next day, Saturday, during Holy Communion, we were asked that each of us sacrifice (give-up) one of our characteristics/values that we needed to live without. Sacrifice, I had that down pat, as I had a lot of rocks as garbage for a SACRIFICE....
Stubbornness
Anger
Control
Resentment
Intelligence
Forgetfulness
Ignorance
Carelessness
Envy

So that day, I cheated (already) and told Jesus he could have two rocks! I gave him anger and control. That felt so good, and I cried some more. I learned. I cried. I felt love. I cried. I got off my knees and started to walk upright, my knees gave out a couple of times (truthfully) and I knew this walking upright with the Lord would take some support from others. I cried. I sang praises and I started to raise my arms to Jesus. I didn't get my arms much higher than chest high, but it's a start.

I felt love right up to the end of the third day (today) when I thought that I cried the Rio Grande River full of tears and then we were handed letters from family and friends. Oh my God! More crying. God is so gracious and loving to have placed so many wonderful people in my life. I don't deserve it.

Most of this story (except for last paragraph) is what went through my mind last night as a way to describe my journey for the past years and my reconciliation Jesus Christ. I know that I am loved by husband, parents, family, friends, angels, and most importantly my Lord. Praise the Lord. PEACE! and this time I feel it!

Spring!

Spring has sprung!

This morning I awoke hearing a loon call. Or at least I dreamed I did! The loon has a unique call and I remember how exciting and hopeful it felt when I heard the first loon call of spring. The loons would return to the lake we lived on in Wisconsin and sometimes they would return to the lake within days of the ice breaking up and melting. The loon was not one of those birds that you had a first sighting... like the robin. "I saw my first robin this morning," we'd proudly exclaim to family, friends or co-workers. No, the loon is usually a first "hearing."

I hope that the ice is off the lakes up North by now! They have had a very long winter this year with more inches of snow being dumped on them last weekend. Here in the southern tip of Texas, it's easy to forget about winter and seasons. However, our day lilies died down this winter and just the other day, we had our first blossom. The hibiscus bushes are showing off more and more blossoms every day too. :) Yep! It puts a smile on our faces.

There's just something about spring and new growth that gets most people excited, happy and looking forward to life. I don't think it's a coincidence that is Spring is when we celebrate Christ's resurrection. New Life guaranteed, just like the results of a new season.

Tonight I am going for the weekend on the Walk to Emmaus, a Christian retreat. I am hopeful for some new growth within my heart and soul. I am hopeful for spiritual and emotional renewal. Maybe, some physical renewal too..... it's not called a "walk" for nothing, I've been told to wear comfortable walking shoes. I've got them. Think Spring!

Some days!

Some days just don't go well, do they? My sister, the blogger, had one of those days yesterday. I could identify the hurt in her words. I could the identify with the hurt in her words. And when it is our jobs or work surroundings or staff that we react to with hurt, it's tough. You just don't want to go back, some days.

Some days, I wonder if I can go on? I am one of those people that wake up in the middle of night and start thinking about work and then can't get back to sleep. Usually, I fall back to sleep about 4 a.m. or so and then when the alarm goes off, I wake up with the dreaded feeling of "I've already worked all night and now I have to go to work?"

Monday night I needed to set the alarm for an early meeting at 6 a.m Tuesday. Well, of course the alarm was all screwed-up so I had to depend on my self and my hubby to get up by 5 a.m. You know, that's when you wake up every hour on the hour, right? By 5:10 am, hubby says, "It's time." All, I could do was raise my tired body up to the edge of the bed and ask aloud, "Is this all there is to life?" I am not always a morning person, and that "morning person" feeling comes and goes at will. Some days, it's just not there.

Got to work at 6 a.m. and had just gotten into my office when the phone rings. My caller ID showed it was my staff office in the Emergency Room. I thought, "Boy! It sure didn't take them long to find out I'm here!" It was one of my staff telling me about a incident she had with a nursing staff from ER. It was one of those you-need-to-know-my-side-of-the-story-before-I-get-into-trouble calls. So I walked over to ER as my 6 a.m. meeting was there & the nurse in question was yelling for my attention from down the hall. Some how, I worked up a calming-reserve that I did not know was there or possible in the circumstances. I listened, I calmed her, I promised to take care of it. Good morning, Vietnam! Let the fighting begin.... fire-fighting that is.

Yep! If you're in management, you can probably identity with the feeling... of "fighting fires" some days! Putting out the fires of one problem, situation, challenge or another. I can't deny that it gets the adrenaline going, never knowing what "fire" is going to pop up next and where? But at my age, I wonder some days how much more adrenaline my body can take?

Also, yesterday at lunch, I was chatting with a few of co-workers who work in my department and one was talking about being "almost 30 years old." She said, "Remember, when we were young and we wanted to get older to do this or that? And now we don't want to age." I told them all, "Just wait, because when you reach my age, you will once again be wishing to be older so you can retire!"

In the middle of the night when I'm awake and can't sleep, I often wonder "What will I think about when I don't have work to think about in the middle of the night?" Probably I will worry about no money! Some day, that day will come. For now, I'd better get ready for work.

Stuck in the Middle

I am one of three siblings in our family of 8 children that is writing a blog. Both of my siblings blogs are listed here on my blog site. My brother writes very philosophical and very Christian material. He is definitely a "still waters run deep" type of person. My sister writes more light-sided material and delves into serious material now and then. Me, I write semi-serious and not-light-enough stuff. I'm stuck in the middle, I think. I wonder if anyone who does not know the three of us would guess that we're siblings?

There's another spot I feel stuck in the middle... my spirituality. I have gone the gamut of being a charismatic Christian to a died-in-wool agnostic and back again. I have expressed my discontent with committing to anything, except marriage (for almost 20 years). And there are still days that I wonder if can commit for one-more-day? Don't worry hubby, it's just me! Yes, just me, with a phobia about committing to marriage, Christ, a job, a place to live, a food plan, a walking program....... I'm sure you get the idea of what I mean, I hope. Stuck in the middle.
Straddling the fence. Wishy-washy. There are all types of descriptions for people like me.

Anyway, next week I have committed to going to a Christian retreat, Walk to Emmaus. Only God could have led me on the path to the retreat, as I was invited by a casual acquaintance at work. She knew I needed this walk, because God led her to me. God does not work by coincidence, but we humans like to think that, don't we? Hubby asked me tonight what I hoped to gain from this retreat? I responded, "To get back to where I left (God). A willingness to allow Him back in my life." Pretty tough order, I would think. But God knows better than I and we'll see! I'm allowing myself to be open to all possibilities.

Love, Forgiveness & Happiness

Hubby and I just finished watching a movie, "Into the Wild." Knowing my wanderlust spirit, hubby agreed to watch it with me. It's a story about a young man that "disappears" after his college graduation to explore the world and more specifically go into the wilds of Alaska. It's a very thought-provoking movie, to say the least!

I have had my own adventure, back in 1980. I saved my money and earned extra money by being a waitress. I "rented" out my belongings to family so that I could retrieve them when I returned. The return date of which I was unsure. I visited some friends in Minnesota and family in Missouri and then headed by myself into the unknown. The states of Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and Nevada rolled under my wheels. I had an idea that I wanted to go to one of the two C states - California or Colorado. In Las Vegas, I decided to go towards Colorado by way of Utah. The trip was one of the highlights of my life and I was reminded of it while watching this movie.

The young man in the movie was bound and determined to abandon his family and even changed his name to avoid being found. But at the end of the movie, he has the profound realization that "happiness is real when shared." It's true in many ways. I have all these memories of my adventure, yet I can never say to someone else, "Remember when I was riding in a car with two guys from the campground and I thought it might be the end of the road for me?" I have shared in this blog about my fight or flight tendencies. I guess I may never flee again without taking someone with me, it's more fun to share. Like Thelma & Louise, huh?

Another quote from the movie was, "To forgive is to love and to love is to feel the light of God." To harbor resentments and anger is so darkening to the soul. It's so close-minded. To forgive, we truly open ourselves up to love and light. Who wouldn't want that? Yes, we may want that, but too often the motivation to keep in the dark with our anger and resentments are more powerful than the opportunity for light and love. As I said yesterday, I have to ask, "what is it worth to me?"

Influence

At the leadership conference I attended last week, I heard of a book to read. "Influencer" by the same authors of "Crucial Conversations." I bought the book on Sunday and spent the rest of the day reading it.

Before I continue, let me say that I have a lot of self-help books dealing with weight loss; improving relationships at home and work; and those proverbial what-do-I-want-to-do-with-the-rest-of-my-life? books! So many of them I have started reading and never finished. I either get through half of it and I understand the concept, therefore I can do it or I decide it's too complicated and time consuming. Then I stop reading and the book sits on my bookcase shelf collecting dust. This book, I kept reading. I wanted to make sure that I did not miss a step in the process. The book "Influencer" addresses CHANGE. How can we influence change in our own lives or in the lives of others (personal or work)?

There are two key questions that have to be answered by the person making the change.
1. Is it (the change, process, procedure) worth it to me?
2. Can I do it (the change, process, procedure)?
The first question address our motivation and the second question addresses our ability.

Take for example that our employees at our company are required to give every customer a smile. Every customer, every interaction, every time, every, every, every! Now that's easy for me. However, I may have a member of my team that may answer these questions by saying her ability to smile is hard. She has braces and when she moves her mouth to smile, it creates friction on the inside of her mouth and it hurts and causes irritation. Is she motivated to smile? She may know that others will often smile back at her and she's a friendly person. But, her mouth hurts a lot by the end of the day and right now, it may not be worth it. She may also feel embarrassed by her braces as the customers may point out her braces. It may not be worth it and she may not be able to do it (smile).

My job as her manager is to help her find ways to be able to "smile." It may involve finding out if there is something to put on the braces to lessen the irritation. I may have to help her find a opening script to tell the customer apologizing for not smiling widely. I may help her find a way to put in "smile" in her voice, if not on her face. My job may be to help her keep her irritated mouth from becoming an irritated personality. My job as her manager is to help her find ways to understand and grasp the worth of the smile and make that worth her own.

I have had a busy work week, implementing changes within myself and my management style. It's exciting that you really can teach an old dog new tricks! Yes, I have to find out for myself what the worth is to make changes in my job. Yes, this job is worth four more years of salary to pay off car and build up retirement funds. But more importantly the job is worth it when our department is "show-cased" as the department to watch as we're "going to the top." It's important to help team see their worth. It's important for me to smooth the path for them, give them the tools and training so they are able to do the job. I can do it and it's worth it!