Secrets

I have a nine-year-old nephew that my sister writes about in her blog. He's a character as most nine-year-old's are with an answer for everything. Some of his answers seem that he's lived a life way beyond nine years. In her blog today, she quoted him as saying, "I have a whole secret world you know nothing about." As she wrote, it was enough to "shoot arrows into her heart." I had to laugh as I can just imagine him saying that.

It also got me thinking. This past weekend I was honored to receive letters from family, friends, neighbors and co-workers. It was over-whelming! It was so touching! Some of the letters remarked about my "smile," my "humor," my "kindness." Were those people talking about me? I felt like I was overlooking "someone else" as "she" read the letters because I have had a "whole secret world" that I lived in that I did not always show to others.

The whole secret world of feeling unworthy, never praying, being depressed and resentful. I know that some of this I have expressed here in my blog, my "diary." It was evident that my "secret world" was falling apart, especially since the beginning of the year. But as I wrote in Sunday's blog about the parable of my journey, it's been seven years of rocky travels for me. I wonder if God felt as though I was "shooting arrows into His heart" when I had this secret world.

At the closing service on Sunday, I remarked that I had "cried more tears in the past 72 hours than I had in the past ten years." I am a person that did not cry or I cried so seldom that I would wonder if I would ever cry again. My heart had become so hardened, that I allowed little emotion (other than anger) to be released from my being, much less my tear ducts. Tears were a foreign object to me. This weekend's tears were cleansing. The tears were necessary. The tears showed my emotions. The tears signified that I was living again. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my body. I looked in mirror on Sunday night and I could have sworn I looked skinnier!

I view myself in a whole new light after this weekend. I am living in a new body. I have been created a new. It feels so good! I don't want to live in another "whole secret world" any longer. I want the new me to show to others. I want the new me to be transparent so that it will show to all that my heart is beating again. My heart is no longer hard as a rock. No secrets. PEACE