Though I Walk Through the Valley...

For the past seven years, I have been in a valley. The valley has a narrow bottom with just enough room for a rocky path. I had been crawling on my hands and knees, bruising and cutting them on the rocks as I travel along the path. The scars had developed into callouses. I kept my head down much of the time, feeling beaten. My back hurt from trying to lift my head to feel the sunshine and my shoulders formed into a drooping hunch. It's been hard to see very far in front of me, much less being able to see the top of hills that surround the valley.

I even moved a long ways away and built a new shelter in the valley, and yet I was still in the same valley, littered with stone and rocks that made my path anything but smooth. Due to my crawling on these rocks day in and day out, I became familiar with them. The rocks had names, Stubbornness, Anger, Control, Resentment, Intelligence, Forgetfulness, Ignorance, Carelessness and Envy. I knew them by name, yet I hated them and didn't want to recognize them. Not only were these rocks creating callouses on my hands and feet, my heart was becoming calloused, hardened and unmoving. The hardening of the heart was hurting my partner in the valley, my husband. We walked on the same path in that valley, but I found myself moving further and further away.

Yes, there were brief moments of laughter and fun with hubby, family and friends. And occasionally I would feel the warmth from the sun which reminded me of God's love. I knew there was another being in the valley, the Son of God, Jesus Christ. But it had been so long since I even had a glimpse of him that I was not sure He still even existed, at least not for me.

About nine months ago, I started to make some changes in my daily walks on the path. I tried to get off the path into the green grass and take better care of myself. I crawled faster and got quite good at speed-crawling. But it was not enough, I felt lonely even amongst all the people I knew were my family and friends. Something, someone was missing. I knew the answer was a relationship with Jesus Christ. But where was he? I had not prayed in months. I had not called out to the Lord in months. How could I expect God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit to even know I was here in the valley? I wanted to search and find my "spirituality" but I was embarrassed. So I kept plodding along, hurt and dejected.

One day not too many weeks ago, an angel appeared next to me on the path, I had seen her around my work place and casually talked about the green parks that dotted the valley. She asked me, "How do you like living in the valley?" Typical me, I said, "Oh, it's fine." I was not really sure if I meant it or not. I think I mentioned wanting to develop some friendships (relationships) with other women. Of course, it was much easier to think about developing new relationships with people that could not see my callouses on my feet, hands and heart, than it was to think about renewing or rejuvenating old relationships, including the one with my husband, family and friends.

Before, I knew it she was telling me about a Christian retreat, The Walk to Emmaus. And before I knew it, I was signed up. Then panic set in! What have I done? Would I have to meet Jesus? Would I have to change my life? As much as I "hated" that rocky path, it was familiar and I had gotten used to it. What was I going to do?

I was taken to an unfamiliar part of the valley on Thursday night and by Friday morning in my anger and controlling ways, I was physically lost. Another angel came to lead me out of the thickets and back to the rest of the sheep. Yes we were like sheep, in groups, I resented that! I'm a "human being" even if I am crawling on all fours like a sheep. I started to cry and then the angel said something about me being "lost." I said or almost shouted, "I'm lost in more ways than one!" That admission got me crying and crying. Yes, that statement was the admission ticket to a private meeting with Jesus. Little did I know that then.

I learned a lot that day, but the first thing I learned was that my priorities were out of balance. Me out of balance, when I've been spouting-off (in this blog) about balance and peace? More tears, more tears! I was starting to flood the valley with the tears. I spent some time with ministers and laypersons getting some answers. That night I knew I had to make a choice, re-connect with Jesus or forget it. I used my tear-stained admission ticket to meet with Jesus. It was scary, but He quickly comforted me when I told him my dilemma. His answer was, "I will not fail you. I will not fail you." It was sure-fire, safe venture! How could I refuse? I asked Him to walk beside me, carry me, push me, whatever He needed for me. I wanted to connect with Him, I wanted Him in my life.

The next day, Saturday, during Holy Communion, we were asked that each of us sacrifice (give-up) one of our characteristics/values that we needed to live without. Sacrifice, I had that down pat, as I had a lot of rocks as garbage for a SACRIFICE....
Stubbornness
Anger
Control
Resentment
Intelligence
Forgetfulness
Ignorance
Carelessness
Envy

So that day, I cheated (already) and told Jesus he could have two rocks! I gave him anger and control. That felt so good, and I cried some more. I learned. I cried. I felt love. I cried. I got off my knees and started to walk upright, my knees gave out a couple of times (truthfully) and I knew this walking upright with the Lord would take some support from others. I cried. I sang praises and I started to raise my arms to Jesus. I didn't get my arms much higher than chest high, but it's a start.

I felt love right up to the end of the third day (today) when I thought that I cried the Rio Grande River full of tears and then we were handed letters from family and friends. Oh my God! More crying. God is so gracious and loving to have placed so many wonderful people in my life. I don't deserve it.

Most of this story (except for last paragraph) is what went through my mind last night as a way to describe my journey for the past years and my reconciliation Jesus Christ. I know that I am loved by husband, parents, family, friends, angels, and most importantly my Lord. Praise the Lord. PEACE! and this time I feel it!