Two Weeks

Two weeks is about 4 percent of a year. Not much, a person could say. Sometimes two weeks can be the difference between life and more life.

Thursday, October 22nd was the beginning of the Walk to Emmaus (Christian retreat). Eighteen months ago I was a pilgrim (participant) in the Walk and had a life-enhancing, make that life-changing experience. So when I was asked to be a part of the team leading the Walk, I humbly agreed. The Walk goes from Thursday night through Sunday afternoon. I quickly discovered that there were aspects of the Walk that I had forgotten, so it felt like another first-time experience again.

There are talks given by lay persons and clergy and the Holy Spirit was with each and everyone of them as they delivered their messages. I say that because part of our upfront training for the Walk is to spend four Saturdays listening to the talks and critiquing them. What was often a very rough version of a talk during our training sessions were talks given as if they were all professional speakers. It was awesome to see the transformation, courtesy of the Holy Spirit and prayers surrounding them.

The pilgrims are divided into groups to sit at a table with a table leader and assistant table leader (me). It was very evident during the first morning that we had some ladies that may require special attention and prayers. There was a lady with ADHD; an unemployed lady with Fibromyalgia and a victim of sexual abuse; an elderly lady that was a wife of a pastor who didn't know "why?" she "needed" the retreat. I wondered how the table leaders of my past retreat would have described me? A lady that is withdrawn, angry and bitter.

Sometime during the first day, I thought, "Remember that Jesus comes to us in all types of ways." Was He coming to me in the lady with flighty movements and no attention span? Was He coming to me in the lady that cried a lot? Was He coming to me in the lady that knew it all? How would Jesus want to be treated? I found myself reaching out and touching them, sometimes not saying anything. Not saying anything because I was not sure my words would be kind and considerate as Jesus deserved, so I just touched them to let them know I was here for them. And with those touches, I felt the warmth of love and acceptance flow into me. Jesus was speaking back to me.

I wish I could say that it was all rosy for the whole weekend, but I have to admit that by Saturday afternoon, I went to a director and asked for prayer. I was worn-out, worried and I just needed to cry and pray. Both the crying and the prayer helped immensely. By the end of the retreat, I could see and hear that the lady with ADHD had so much knowledge; the lady with pain could smile again; and the lady who didn't need the retreat could say "Wow!" and vowing to get her friends to the next retreat.

At the end of the Walk, I could only say that I felt like a woman giving birth, so thankful for the end of the process and vowing to "never do it again" yet knowing that with time the pain will fade.

It was Sunday evening and I wanted to relax, but there was laundry to do so that I could finish packing for our trip. Monday morning at 5 am, we were on the road to San Antonio (four hours) to catch a plane (cheaper airfare if we flew from San Antonio) to Florida. We were going on a cruise! I have tried to talk hubby into going on a cruise for years and he's had no desire as his "last cruise was in 1969 in the Navy." So last year, he found a cruise he wanted to go on and now we're going.

I had never been on a ship for eight days so I was uncertain on how my body would react and accept the cruise. Luckily for us, the seas were calm and I had no qualms about cruising. We left port on Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday, we woke up in Bahamas. Went snorkeling and based on the photos we took, I can not snorkel and take photos at the same time... my thumb was in most of the pictures! After the snorkeling, we partied at Senor Frog's. The next day we were at Half Moon Cay, a private island owned by the cruise lines to be used specifically for their cruises. The beach was awesome with sugary, white sands and turquoise water. It was so relaxing, there is no other way to describe it. Friday, we traveled to Key West, arriving in time to go to Mallory Square and take pictures of the sunset. Lots of pictures! Key West was celebrating Fantasy Fest, an annual celebration that involves costumes of all sorts and body painting of all sorts.

I remember years ago, hubby calling for me to come to the computer and "look at this." When I first viewed the photos, I thought, "what beautiful costumes" people in the photos were wearing. Then hubby said, "they are not costumes, it's painted on their body." Wow! Very unique. These photos intrigued both of us and Fantasy Fest was one of the reasons he decided on this particular cruise trip.

Anyway, the cruise stayed in Key West for two days so we got to view all kinds of costumes and paintings, strolling the streets and watching the parade. Hubby opted for a couple of temporary tattoos on his chest courtesy of Captain Morgan's Rum, sponsor of the Fantasy Fest. We also toured Mel Fisher's museum and got to view some of the ship-wreck treasures.

Sunday was a day at sea and a day of rest, reading, and spending time by the pool. Monday, we woke up in Cozumel and we took a fast ferry to the Mexico mainland, Playa del Carmen. We boarded a bus there for an hour-long bus ride to Tulum, site of an ancient Mayan ruins. The ruins were fascinating, situated right by the ocean. Got a chance to go down to the beach below the ruins and cool off.

Tuesday was another day at sea and hubby's birthday. He started the day reading a book (his favorite activity) out on the balcony of our stateroom and in the evening we had a birthday dinner and last stroll out on the deck watching the full moon shimmer on the ocean. What a way to end the cruise.

Wednesday, we woke up Fort Lauderdale, Florida port and spent the day traveling back home. Thursday was a laundry day and try-and-get-my-land-legs-back day! I was still a-rockin' and a-rollin' that day. :) Well, yesterday, Friday, I went into work and I feel so refreshed. I really missed all of my co-workers. They are such a great group of people to work with, I'm so fortunate that I could spend two weeks away and not have to worry about the running of our department.

Two weeks is only 4 percent of a year. Yet what wonders of rejoicing, rejuvenation, relaxation, and refreshment can occur in that small time span. It certainly gives the physical, emotional, and spiritual being a new PEACE.

What if?

On my computer internet an advertisement pops up that has the headline "What if you died...?" It's certainly an attention-grabber as we don't want to think about death, do we? Today, I was listening to a talk being given by a member of our team preparing for the Walk to Emmaus (a Christian retreat), and the speaker spoke about such a revelation in her past. After having a near death accident, she came face-to-face with God in the questions of "What if I had died today? Would I be resting in God's arms right now?"

All her good works weren't going to get her to heaven, only faith in God. It's so simple, yet so many of just don't get it, do we? First we must have faith, then we can go out and do good works, reflecting to others what God has given us in time, talent and treasures.

I'm a hoarder. I collect (hoard) lions, photographs, house drawings, and books. I hoard my time, being selfish and staying home to avoid doing something. I hoard my talents, not volunteering to do anything. I hoard my money, not giving gifts to others or giving tithes to my church or food to the food pantry.

Yes, I have faith in God and know that if I died today, I would be resting in God's arms. I know that is enough, more than enough! However, would anyone other than God know that I am a Christian? Would anyone see God-like characteristics, qualities, talents reflected back to them? Am I a mirror for God?

Someday

Tomorrow, I turn 58 years old. It seems like yesterday that I was celebrating my 50th! Where does the time go? This milestone - 58 - is tougher to handle than my 57th. Last year I was just 2 years past 55 and this year I'm just 2 years away from 60. A lot seems to have transpired over one year.

Is that true? A lot has transpired over the past year?

Physically - I've gained weight again! Someday, I will accept myself as I am.

Emotionally - I've discovered that some people do not mellow with age, including me. Someday, I won't give a "dang" what other people say or do.

Spiritually - I'm blessed knowing that God loves me. Someday, I will become benevolent towards others as God is to me.

At the rate I'm going with the years racing by, "someday" will be here before I know it! Peace!

Getting Old or Getting Lazy?

Yesterday at a work meeting, several of us got on the subject of how many years of schooling it takes to get a masters in nursing or a degree in pharmacy. Every once in a while I think, "Maybe I should go back to school for....." Then I think, "Not!"

I have reached the point in my life where I don't want to learn much more. I want to just coast through my last working years and not tax my brain too much. That is somewhat burdensome to admit and somewhat embarrassing to admit. When did I get so old or so lazy or both? Even if I don't go to school, I still find that I'm learning on my job. Either it's skill and knowledge things that affect my department or it's personnel things on dealing with others. I wish I could learn how to turn off all the thoughts about work in the middle of the night or in the morning when I just want to get "one more hour of sleep." Some may call it "dedication," I call it frustrating! No more schooling for me, I spend enough of my hours at work, at least mentally that is!

Flip-flop Life

I have a plastic flip-flop air-freshener ornament that hangs from the mirror in my car. About five years ago, it was a gift from a friend to commemorate our desire and our push to wear sandals to our workplace. While the push (to wear sandals ) created the result of administration pushing back and not allowing it, those of us renegades looked upon our plastic flip-flop as a symbol of our mission and our sisterhood.

Over the years, the freshener has died out on the flip-flop, but the ornament is still alive with the colors of bright royal blue and lime green. The bottom of the flip-flop has wavy grooves as if to allow traction if you could walk in it. The grooves remind me of the ocean waves. The top has indentations to show where your toes would rest. I really like that ornament! It's a symbol to remind me to not take life so seriously, especially as I'm driving to work with a thousand things on my mind. It's a reminder of the beachy or Jimmy Buffet's "margarita-ville" lifestyle that I'd like to have.

Then I remember that I already have that lifestyle. On my time off, I can wear flip-flops everywhere (even my church) and at any time in my climate. I have a house that's open, has the cool colors of blue sky and sand of the beach with lots of beach scene and palm tree photos lining the walls. On my time off, I don't have obligations of making meals (hubby so graciously does that) or caring for children or doing housework (I pay for that). I have the LIFE!

I hesitate to end it there, like I should say more, but "what?" What do I say? That at times I don't thank God enough for this wonderful life. That at times I don't realize how great I have it. I need that ornament to remind me to be thankful for the life that I have created with God's help. [Hubby just brought me a cup of coffee to drink while I blog... doesn't get much better than this!] What do I say? Yes, I have the life!

Wildlife Surprises

There is wildlife everywhere, different varieties of animals and birds to see. On our recent visit to Wisconsin we were treated to some new sights. No, we didn't see any new breeds of animals, but we saw the same old animals in a different way.

Reflecting back a few months, we were taking my sister and brother-in-law down to South Padre Island and we showed them the spot that hubby and I had viewed hundreds of white pelicans. Having seen hundreds of brown pelicans at or near various spots in the Gulf of Mexico, we were surprised to see white pelicans, much less so many of them in one spot. My brother-in-law mentioned that he had seen white pelicans up in Wisconsin. We all remarked about that as it was nothing we had ever seen growing up there. Just like they never used to have opposums up there when we were young. So what a surprise on our trip up there that we were just a few miles into Wisconsin when we passed a pond and there was a white pelican.

The Trumpeter swan is another bird that has shown up more in Northern Wisconsin. However, as a child I never recall either seeing them or hearing of them. On a pond just outside of Siren, during the years we lived there, we have seen a pair of these swans during the spring of the year, some years the sightings only lasted about a month and the pair would be gone before summer ever arrived. Imagine our surprise when we were heading out of Siren on Fourth of July and passed the pond and there were the pair of swans plus four babies! I forced hubby to turn around in heavy holiday traffic and I got my camera and captured the experience.


Bears are another part of Wisconsin's wildlife. The sightings are sometimes a rare occurence. A person up there is more apt to see the remnants of what the bear has done..... ripped the bird feeders off their posts or rummaged through the garbage....the bear eats his fill and leaves a mess for the home owner to clean up. Usually this is done under the cover of darkness. One day we were driving into my sister's place (where we were staying on our vacation), we saw a bear walking parallel to the driveway. I quickly parked the car and ran into the house screaming, "Bear, there's a bear behind the house!" I took the steps two at a time to get to the basement to get my camera. By the time I got back up to the porch, the bear was halfway across the field and my camera did not capture much more than a blurred black spot in the middle of a green field. Oh well, I took a picture in my mind!

A day or so later, while having my morning coffee in my sister's dining room, I caught movement out in the same soybean field behind their house. There came two fawns and their mother deer. Before I tell you any more, I must say that deer are another member of the Wisconsin wildlife which with most residents have a love / hate relationship. We love them because we hunt them and they are good to eat. We love them when they stroll through our yards eating the grass and looking so picturesque. We hate them when they eat our flowers and shrubs (again, like bears it's usually done under the cover of darkness). We hate them because they tend to run in front of our vehicles and startle us and/or they get hit by our vehicle, which can cause thousands of dollars of damage.

I'm old enough that one of the first movies I may have seen on the big screen was Bambi. Who can forget the first sight of animals talking and doing things that humans did.... have fun, dance, laugh, have friends, cry. Bambi caused many a Wisconsin hunter's daughter to scream at her father upon his return from deer hunting, "How could kill Bambi's mother?!?" Oh my! Then those daughters grew up and hit a deer with their father's car. Ouch! All I can say is that I had a Bambi experience that I will never forget. The two fawns and their mother stepped out from behind the trees and we had a picture perfect view. This time, I did not run for my camera as I was afraid that I would miss out on their walk across the field. I knew this was a "take a picture in my mind" moment. Although it turned out to be more of a video in my mind.

The fawns and mother stepped out from behind the trees and suddenly the fawns started running in circles chasing each other. I just giggled and grinned. Then one of the fawns sprinted about 50 feet and stopped while the other fawn chased it. They ran back to mother and she must have told them, "You can't just run fast, you have to learn to jump too." Off the two fawns ran again, then they remembered Momma's words, so they jumped several rows of soybeans at the end of the sprint. They ran back to mother and danced around her and chasing each other in circles. Off they went again, both of them running and leaping across the field. Mother deer sauntered across the field, feeling confident that no vehicles or hunters were nearby to harm her babies. Again the fawns returned to the mother and then they decided to race to the fence to see who could get there first. Off they all went running, leaping, bounding across the field to a new life.

Thankfulness!

In my last blog before I departed on vacation, I said I planned to relax and rejuvenate. But actually it was hubby that rejuvenated, as he ended up in the Heart Institute in Minneapolis, where's he been a patient before. They ended up opening up two arteries that were 90 - 95% blocked with two stents. It's not the type of "rejuvenation" that one often thinks of, but it works.

My thoughts about vacation are ones of thankfulness.

Thankful that hubby's heart attack did not happen in the middle of Kansas, where we would have been unfamiliar with the hospitals and had no loving support from family nearby.

Thankful that hubby had a heart attack and NOT cardiac arrest.

Thankful that the heart attack did happen within miles of my previous employer and a great hospital. Also, the heart hospital where he was transferred to had all of hubby's medical records from previous heart treatment.

Thankful that family and friends were close by to offer support and prayers.

Thankful that I was still able to attend nephew/godson, David's graduation party.

Thankful that we were still able to do some visiting and having good times after hubby was released from hospital.

Thankful that we could actually witness a celebration of a marriage that has lasted sixty years, my parents.

Thankful that my hubby AND both of my parents are alive and well.

Thankful that we had a safe car trip up to Wisconsin and back again. 4200 + miles on this road trip.

Thankful for air conditioning when it's over 100 degrees when we got home.

Thankful that I had nine work days off and whatever problems await me at work will have to wait until tomorrow. I have a few more hours of relaxation and rejuvenation.

Vacation

Vacation: A period of time devoted to pleasure, rest or relaxation;
especially, such a period during which a working person is exempt from work but collects his pay.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) I'm leaving work early and we start our drive to Wisconsin. We should get north of San Antonio before we rest tomorrow night. Yes, if a person looks at map and finds San Antonio in southern Texas, we're four driving hours below that! Getting through Texas is almost half of our driving time to get Up North.

Thursday is the official start of vacation and nine work days off plus four weekend days. I haven't had that much time off since I moved here almost three years ago and did not have a job. Looking forward to time to relax and rejuvenate. Yea!

Fathers

They say that a woman will often marry a man just like her father. Of course when I married hubby, I thought, "No way is he like my father." Hubby was my knight-in-shining-armour. Well, the armour has gotten a little tarnished and tired looking after twenty years. Even worn through so that I can see that under that armour beats the heart of man that is like my father. He's always right. And if he's "always right," then anyone can guess that I feel always wrong. It's a tug-of-war.

As any tug-of-war game goes, it comes to a breaking point or someone falls in the mud. Today, I threw up the rope and said, "I'm tired!" Of course, that caused him to fall backwards with a mighty, "What the....?" Of course, those always-right people seem to always question how they could not be right again.

Needless to say, I'm going to work on pointing out the instances where he's always right or contradicts a statement or decision that I have made. All is fair in love and war or in a game of tug-of-war, right? Am I right in this? I am right in this, aren't I? Right?

Doing the Right Thing

I have done some counseling in my past life, both as a patient and as a counselor. Both have been beneficial to my health and well-being. I got to thinking about the whole counseling thing after yesterday's Go Red for Women luncheon (American Heart Association). After lunch several of us from my work place (a hospital) discussed the needs of our bariatric program, the needs of ourselves and our co-workers and the community's perception and reception to our program.

I know that my own health history (father with heart disease) and my own ill-health... overweight, stressed and lack of exercise only precedes my chances of having more heart problems. I already have high blood pressure. One of my options is bariatric surgery to lose weight and improve my chances of better health. But I'm just not ready to go under the knife. However, I know the reply to that could be... "You may go under the knife with your heart if you don't change."

Accepting information and bringing things to the light is tough sometimes. I think there is a part of us that wants to be kept in the dark and left alone. Yes, doing it alone and being independent is a life-long motto of mine. I don't share much with others. I don't ask for help or ask for support. Even my hubby learns more about my feelings, thoughts, fears, and accomplishments through reading this blog than I ever share with him. I'm a loner. But it's getting tougher and tougher each day to keep up that facade. I need to connect with people. I need to be willing to show that I'm human. I have the need to connect to others and I need to be able to accept that connection.

Therefore, I have been mulling over the possibility of starting a support group at work for others that want and need to improve their health. Support in the form of talking and sharing, caring and connecting. In many ways this is a selfish idea as I know that I have a lot of information that I have gathered over the years in my head. I have the "right stuff" in my head, I just don't have the heart to make it my life yet. That is why I need this support group to release that "ribbon" of information out of head and give it to another person and have that ribbon weave itself through our group until it comes back to my heart and that ribbon of information becomes part of my heart. Becomes a part of my being, my doing, and my actions.

Love

I guess I'm a hopeless romantic as I like romance novels (though I don't get time to read them often) and one of my favorite TV shows is The Bachelor/Bachelorette. lol. I know, a person of my independence should get excited about something other than seeing 25 guys/girls fight for the attention and hopefully love of another! But, I'm hooked!

Speaking of "love," last night in my dream was my first love. I have not seen or even thought of him for years and there he was in my dream. No, it was not a hot and steamy dream, just interesting. Oops, hubby just reminded me that I "have 15 minutes" until the show comes on. :) I wonder if hubby sensed I was writing about someone else. I've had a few "loves" in my life and hubby has been my one and only for almost 24 years. We always save the best for last, right?

In less than a month my parents will celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. We were shocked when they made it 50 years as a good number of those years were quite rocky. Now, we feel hopeful that they will make it to 60 years. Of course, hubby and I will not make it to 60 years of marriage, due to advancing age. It's not often that any couple gets to 60 years of marriage, but those that do can probably identify that marriage is made of "sometimes it is a slender thread, sometimes a strong, stout rope."

People

Last night hubby and I went to a show put on by a group called, Up With People. www.upwithpeople.org It's a group of 90 people aged 16-29 years from countries all over the world. They commit to six months of going to places to provide needed volunteer services to different towns in different countries for a week and then cap off their stay with a show of songs and dance. I had heard of this group years ago, maybe they visited another town that I lived in. However when I read that they were coming to the Rio Grande Valley, I pondered about offering to be a host family. At the time hubby was working a temporary full-time job and that would not have been conducive to hosting one of the group, so we did not become a host family.

Last night at the show one of host families happened to sit next to me, so it was neat to witness the pride that they felt in watching their guests in the show. The Up With People group put on quite a show with uplifting songs and rousing dance performances. Many of the lyrics were very positive and a common theme was You can make a difference. Reach out your hands to another. Smile, it's universally known as a connection between people, regardless of language or dress.

In today's local newspaper was an article about a couple that have travelled to over 100 countries. They noted that people all over the world just want to provide for their children and make a change in "their world." Their world may only encompass a village a few miles wide, but people still want the best for their children and family. When I travelled around the United States back in 1980, it was an adventure for me. I did it alone and camped in a tent. Most of the areas I visited, I had never seen before in my life, namely mountains and desert. I had spent all of my life to that point in Wisconsin and Minnesota, land of lakes, trees and hills with small towns every 5-15 miles or so. On this trip, when I got to the Southwest and found no houses, much less towns for miles and miles, I often wondered "Why would anyone want to live here?" But then I realized that visitors traveling through Wisconsin and Minnesota in the dead of winter would ask the same question. Maybe they would ask that question in the summer too, with trees encompassing your view and mosquitoes biting.

We, in the United States are so fortunate to have this big country to freely travel and see different terrains and sights. We have choices on where to live and who to live close by. Children do not have choices on where they live as their parents make that decision, but so many adults become accustomed to living in a certain place and never venture to another area, either to live or visit. So it's the familiar or the family that determines why anyone would want to live here or there.

Me, I have the characteristic of wanderlust. I bet those 90 people in the Up With People have that same characteristic. However, they have another important characteristic, compassion. The compassion for others regardless of language or dress. Compassion, to feel for others and offer aid and assistance. What an awesome combination, compassion and wanderlust. What a world-changing combination!

Complaints

At lunch today, someone in upper management asked if any of us had Goggled our self? I told them that my husband Goggled me and it listed a national organization for work that I'm a member. Just for the heck of it, tonight I Goggled myself and the first thing that pops up is this blog. Holy Cow! I guess I'd better watch my words and thoughts! But what fun or freedom is that?

Anyway, I was going to write more about the survey from work but.... I just will anyway! You know you're getting "old" like that cartoon character "Maxine" when you don't really care if the bosses read about your day at work or not! I could be that much closer to retirement! :)

I mentioned that the survey did not paint a very pretty picture of me as a supervisor and in fact the one comment that the majority did "disagree" with was being "satisfied with supervisors response to complaints." Of course, I am wondering what do they mean? Is it a certain type of complaint that they have.... pay, processes, policies, people.. that I don't address satisfactorily? Is it how I address their complaints? We are not allowed yet to ask our staff for feedback, so first thing this morning I listened to a complaint from a staff member.

"Miss Rayna (many of them call me that, I used to think it was respectful, now I'm not so sure), so-and-so (a co-worker from another department) wants me to tear the stickees off the label sheets before I give it to her. She says it cuts her hands." At 8:00 am in the morning, I am not always at my brightest, so I said, "What?" as I scrunched up my face and eyes in concentration. She replied, "You know, the sheet of labels we use for the patients. It's got a strip of paper around the labels (she shows me how she takes off the excess adhesive paper that surrounds the labels and wristband); she (s0-and-so) wants me to take it off before I give it to her."

My first response... NO, I take that back what I wanted my first response to be was "So what!" But then I remembered that I do not satisfy my employees when it comes to complaints, so I must be careful here! So, I swallowed and asked, "What would be the problem with taking off that strip of paper before you give it to her?"

"You mean that I could do it just for her and not all the time?" At this point, my eyes widen and the eye brows go up and I'm beginning to wonder if someone got into the survey results without my knowledge and she is setting me up for a cruel joke. She continues, "We used to take the stickee off for Doctor S0-and-so because he didn't like it. Now he's not here and we don't do that anymore." I replied, "Well, I noticed that some of you still do this as I've seen the 'stickees' in the waste basket."

"Yes," she said, "some still do this. But do I have to do it all the time?" I took a deep breath and I asked, "Are you OK with taking off the stickees to help keep so-and-so happy? Wouldn't that be easier than having her be upset with you, especially since you have done it before for another person?"

"Yes, I guess so. So-and-so (another staff in our department) says that she calls him all the time to tell him to take off the stickees." OMG! I have another staff person that won't take the stickees off the labels, just to keep the peace. At this point, I'm not sure who is feeling and thinking more "crazy".... my staff, so-and-so from the other department, or me? They are right... 100%.... I do not know how to satisfactorily respond to their complaints. With complaints like this, who does? Maybe a primary school teacher?

Perception is Reality

I have used that phrase numerous times in my career and in my life... Perception is reality. I got a taste of it today. A reality check, you might say. A few months back, employees at our company answered an employee satisfaction survey. The last survey that was done was in 2006, just before I started working there. So at that time, one of my first tasks in the department was to set up action plans on how to correct the previous manager's faults and mistakes.

Well I thought that department was doing well and that I had a good rapport with the staff. The results are in and I suck, to put it bluntly! Maybe, not totally, but of course to low-self-esteem Rayna, the results were hard to swallow. The majority of the respondents think I'm doing just fine, but there is that percentage (larger than I want it to be) of staff that just seem to think I do not do anything right. So, at 57 years of life and 33 years in the medical field, I have to change. I have to make improvements.

I will make changes, I have to make improvements. I have to discover what is their perception and how do they want me, their supervisor to be. I need to make their perception become my reality.

Sometimes, like today, I just want to say "I'm too old for this, let me retire." But retire is a few years away yet, in fact 1107 days. Yep, I put my projected retirement date into a count-down program so that I can keep track as time flies by... or at least I hope it flies by! Maybe my perception of time flies will become a reality. Let's hope!

Come

"Come, sit a spell." - God

These photos was taken Memorial Day weekend in Seadrift, Texas. It was a municipal park and it had this line of palms by the waters edge. The bench was positioned for sitting and looking out the water. Calming and soothing.

I know a lot of people that say they worship God out in nature. I can relate to that. However, I find that God also speaks to me through his word (Bible) and his servants (pastors) when I attend church. So off I go... to church. Have a wonderful day!

Wonderful!

"I don't want to make money, I just want to be wonderful."
- Marilyn Monroe

After just checking my losing lottery tickets, I guess I better start acting "wonderful." Acting it would be, because wonderful is certainly not a word that I would ever use to describe myself. To me, wonderful is someone with a exceedingly high amount of talent or compassion. They are gifted. Is wonder a gift? Is being wonderful a gift?

Talent takes effort. There are very few talented people that just let their talents and skills remain dormant. They use their talents, they try to perfect their talents. Compassion takes effort too. The effort of taking the time to express compassion and taking the time to allow the compassion to envelop another person, place or thing. There are very few instances that compassion can be given or expressed on-the-run.

It is no wonder that I'm not wonderful, it takes effort! Maybe that's why it's easier to "make money" than it is to be wonderful. Is it not a sad world where it's easier to make money and be mediocre (there's that word again) than being wonderful? I wonder what one thing I could do today or say today that could be classified by someone as "wonderful"?

Maybe, making breakfast for my sick husband? I'll give it a try.

Organization

"Don't agonize. Organize."
- Florynce Kennedy

My desk is a mess! There's no doubt about it. I seem to get started on a project than another problem/challenge comes up and I set aside the paperwork. Too often that paperwork gets buried under another project, etc. Today, I had only one meeting on my calender so I decided to tackle one of my many half-a-foot high piles. I was going to organize my desk, which means putting lots of old notes and emails (of course I can read email better if it's on paper) into the shredder.

I had to chuckle when I found emails from 2007 in the piles! Oh, well! I did however find some "assignments" that I needed to do. Ouch! No sense in agonizing, right? How old does a person have to be to stop saying, "I'm going to get organized one of these days"? How many seminars on getting organized and handling multiple projects do I have to attend before it sinks in?

Today I did have successes at work beside getting rid of seven inches of paper. I was a counselor with one of my staff having some family concerns. I was a cheerleader when I got to announce the Employee of the Month for our department and send emails to the runner-up nominees with all the great comments their co-workers wrote about them. I sure hope that my staff can read their email on computer and don't need to print everything like I do. Otherwise, if you hear of a office fire fueled by lots of paper or hear of desk collapsing on an old manager, you'll know it mine!

Watch out!

You never know what I'm going to say in this blog. I write how I think, in analogies and concepts and whatever comes to my mind. My sister has a blog, a very well-written, entertaining, humorous and often thought-provoking. To be politically correct, I'd better say her blog is always thought-provoking. My writing, on the other hand, is analytical, rambling and often raises more eyebrows (er I meant questions than answers) as in "what the heck is she talking about?" Sometimes I write for my "audience," probably more than I want to admit. Sometimes, I write to purge my thoughts and feelings.

Today's Wild Woman quote:

"I run the show and I'm a whole theater in myself."
- Mary Ellen Pleasant

That got me thinking about myself. I'm a "Leo," lion-lover, bossy, and sometimes want to be the center of attention. Really though, there are many times, I'm just fine with blending into the woodwork... at some parties or a get-together. I think that's why I'd rather do the hosting and entertaining as I can observe others (hopefully) having a good time and providing the food and drink. I have hosted a good number of parties in my time! Read, I did not write I have hosted a number of good parties in my time. But hopefully, it's both!

I took and created one of those facebook quizzes, "How well do you know Rayna?" One of the questions was "what did you want to be as you were growing up?" Well, I did forget one response and that is an actress. My mom & I used to stay up on Saturday night watching old movies and I'd dream of acting in a movie. Except I was not extroverted enough to get into the acting part, although I had a bit part as a French maid in a high school play. "French maid!" I was so naive I didn't even get the innuendos associated with my part. Oh well, there's worse things than being naive, or is there?

Halfway there!

I realized the other day that I am now closer in age to 60 years than 55 years! Ouch! It's all a matter of perspective, right? Like if I don't make it to 60 years, then I will always be closer to 55 years than 60 years.

I have a packet of 52 Wild Woman cards with quotes on each one. So to get my creative juices flowing, I may use one of those quotes now and then to start off my writing in this blog. Got to get started somehow, as I need to get the juices going.

"The only sin is mediocrity." *** Martha Graham

Mediocre - neither good or bad, average, ordinary, commonplace. Parts of me are mediocre, but parts of me are adventurous and daring. The "lion" comes out in me once in awhile. Having lived in six states, visited 47 states, had so many jobs I lost count..... not ordinary or average. Oh well, like I've said before, "If I die suddenly or young, don't mourn. I had a heck of a life!" I have sinned a lot, but most of my sins do not involve mediocrity. Or they probably wouldn't be called "sins," right?

Everybody Knows Your Name

The old TV show Cheers has a song with the phrase about being a place where "everybody knows your name." I caught a glimpse of that show yesterday while flipping channels on the TV.

There have really only been two times in my life that I frequented bars where everybody knew my name. The first time was in college, Emma's Bar, and the second time was a few years back in Tom's Bar, where hubby and I did the weekly Friday night meat raffle. It's kind of unique, I guess, that both of these bars have a person's name in their title, unlike other bars around (i.e. The Pour House, St. Croix Grill, etc).

I was reminded of this phrase last night as we had a couple of neighbors come over to play cards and we were talking about what's happening with our neighbors. It was not gossip, it was catching up on people's lives. As mentioned before, we live in a gated community of "friends 55 and over," so there is usually a monthly party at the clubhouse. Therefore you truly get to know your neighbors or at least their name. Working full time is not conducive to hearing about your neighbors, so it was quite a catch-up session for me, hearing about this person's trip and that person's car accident.

It feels good to be part of a community and know so many neighbors, I have experienced that only a couple of times in my life, my childhood in Cushing and a few years back in our Mudhen Lake Drive community. Based on my calculations of the bars and communities I have lived in where everybody knew my name, I had over twenty years in between childhood/college and Mudhen Lake where I was not known by name. But wait, those were the years that my community of friends were at my job or my church. Playing in softball leagues with members of my work or church, going out after work for drinks or going out for dinner, or participating at an in-home Bible study. I still found a way for everybody to know my name.

I dreamt this morning that I was leaving my present job and packing up my office. Of course, I found things stuck in my credenza drawers that brought back memories of this work event or that work event. The staff joked with me and recalled their memories too, basically saying, "we'll remember you, Rayna, we won't forget your name."

Yes, everybody knows your name! The everybody may be a family, a work place, a church, a favorite hang-out or a housing complex. I consider myself a lucky person that I have atleast one of those "places" or groups of people to go to that know my name.

My House

A quote in Time magazine got me thinking....

"I'd just been on a trip to Minnesota, where I can only kindly describe most of the people I saw as little houses." Anna Wintour, editor of Vogue, on the prevalence of obesity in the U.S.

Oh girlfriend! You tell it like it is, don't you? Well I'm a guilty one for being one of those "little houses," suffering from obesity. Isn't that what people say, "suffering from obesity"? Heck, I have not suffered! I've enjoyed every morsel of food I've put into this mouth. Mouth, the entrance to my house. The door of my house is my mouth. A couple of weeks ago, I got pissed off at my dentist because he was complaining while doing my dental work about my "small mouth." Heck, I paid him almost one thousand dollars (out my pocket besides what the insurance paid) to work in my small mouth, quit your bitching! Well, I got that beef off my chest.

Speaking of chests, I guess my chest is like the living room of my house... large and open and clearly visible. Anyone that's been to my home knows that it's large living room with windows on two sides to basically see right through our house from the front yard to the back yard. I love the open, airy feeling it evokes to sit there. I have nothing to hide and my house shows it!

Going back to my mouth being the entrance to my "house," the door to my actual house is small too. It's not a double door or large 8 foot door like that of several neighbors. It's a standard size door with two slim windows surrounding it, like dimples on my cheeks.

I love designing houses, I do it in my head and then put the ideas down on graph paper. I designed the present and recent past homes we have lived in. I'm sure that no matter how many homes I design for building, I will find some changes that I would make in the future. In my present home, I'd change the size and some of the lay-out of the kitchen and dining area. It's true that I would like to change some of my house, my body.

Right now, "my house" - my body is larger than necessary and misshapen. Is it the type of house I would have designed for myself? No, but it's what I have to live in right now. Do I need to chastise myself for building this house? Probably so. Do I need to accept myself for building this house? Probably so. Do I need to love myself for being me.... right where I'm at in this large, misshapen house? Probably so.

I didn't think that while I was enjoying those morsels of food coming through the doorway of my house that I was endangering my house. However, this house, as it is today, is not the shape, style or square footage that fits peacefully into my physical, emotional or spiritual being.

What rooms do I need to change or remodel? Well the chest (or living room) is what it is and always will be, I can live with that. :) The stomach (kitchen and dining room) needs some changes, mainly internal. Internal, as in what types of foods I allow into these rooms, more veggies and fruits. The buttocks and thighs (bedroom) needs some action, as in exercise of all kinds. My head is the foundation of my house and contains the entrance to my house (mouth) and it needs to be relied on to provide safe and sane thoughts and decisions, a solid basis for my life.

Well, thanks Anna Wintour, editor of Vogue for shaking up my household. You're right, there are "people as little houses" all over this country, but not just Minnesota.

A Dream of Heaven

There are no roads of gold or pearly gates in heaven - I've been there.

The "road" is a railroad track that the train comes through the last dark tunnel and drops off the souls with lightening speed. I stand there stunned. There are no pearly gates, it's a train depot platform and I'm surprised. The buildings around are small and colorful - every color of the rainbow- vibrant and vivid. I wonder - am I in a Mexican village? But the languages I hear people speaking are all types. What's amazing is I can understand them, all of them. I do not have long to be wondering where I am or who I'll know or worry if I'll be fearful? People come up to me and greet me by name and say, "Welcome" "We've been expecting you." "What took you so long?" The hugs, kisses, and hand shakes fill me with warmth beyond all understanding. The people guide me to the edge of the platform and I see flowers everywhere. I look for a path between the flowers to step down to avoid stepping on the flowers, but the realization hits me - I need no path to take me anywhere - I have arrived! Stepping on the flowers is like stepping on Mom and Dad's bed mattress years ago as a child - soft, springy and a little uneven at first. But then the walking becomes natural. I look back and see the flowers spring back to their full beauty, my footprint disappears. On earth I worried about what kind of "footprint" I would leave and I now I realize it doesn't matter. I can feel love and acceptance everywhere - all around me. Yet I soon realize it's not about "me." Here in heaven, there is no better, worse, bigger, smaller, richer, or poorer - all are equal. It's so freeing. I wonder why I struggled on earth when this glory was my ultimate destination?

Happy Day!

Happy Saturday! The colors on this picture just makes me want to smile. These flowers were in a fountain... see the coins in the lower left corner sitting on bottom of fountain. Make a wish for today, let it happen.

BUSY vs LAZY

Busy versus Lazy

I've been thinking of this subject for a week now, but I'm been too busy to sit down and write about it. Over the past three months, I have not blogged much, photographed much and more importantly I have not contacted family and friends via email or phone. I've been busy!

Yes, I've hosted my parents for two months. But busy, not really! Sure, I went with them to a few nighttime shows in the Valley, but really nothing that prevented me from contacting others. Why have I not done those things that I love and "need" to do? I'm lazy.

About a week ago at work, one of my co-workers made a mistake. I asked her, how did this happen? Her reply was that "Sometimes we're so busy, I don't really look at the order, I just put it in." Well, of course I had to tell her that "looking" at the order was a very important part of her job as the order has to be input correctly. Then I wondered to myself if her mistake was more a result of being lazy? Busy versus Lazy? Hmmm! I wonder where in my life I could identify with that?

It didn't take me long to realize that I use the "busy" term to replace doing a very important part of my life.... communicating with others. Truly, I have plenty of hours each night and weekend and I choose to be lazy, just resting on the couch, watching TV, reading, and doing nothing. At least doing nothing productive.

Oh, I know that we all need time to rest, but I probably abuse that philosophy a little bit too much. :) I guess awareness is half the battle. So, now that I have publicly admitted I am lazy, what am I going to do about it? Maybe, I'll just go and take a mid-morning nap! Sure enough, I just looked out the door of my office and hubby is already taking a nap in the reclining chair. It wouldn't be polite to not join him in the living room, now would it?

Spring Break Texas

Yesterday I went to my Spring Break Texas at South Padre Island. It's my third year of bringing my sister visitor to the annual ritual of college students. I guess the third time is a charm, we actually saw a lot of people and saw some "typical" spring break action.

"Typical" as is.... beer bong in action, girls dancing on the stage, girls flashing their boobs, drinking, students gathered around their school flags, and even a girl getting hand-cuffed and taken away. It was all quite interesting. I went to college up North and during my college time, I don't recall any "spring break" trips or even talk of trips to the southern beaches. I think it may have started with eastern and southern schools or maybe Ivy League or Big Ten schools. Maybe, I'll do a Google search on that later.

Anyway, my main point of this blog is.... the guys were all wearing board shorts. When did speedos go out of style?? :) Hubby and brother-in-law had a good time viewing the skimpy bikinis (are they even called "bikini" any more) on all the girls and sister and I had board shorts to look at. Not much skin showing on the guys, unless you're a "chest" or "back" man. There was one lone guy that had on a speedo-type of brief, but gosh did he look out of place.

Oh well, it was still fun! At the restaurant later, we met cousin, her husband, daughter & friend for dinner. There, the guys were treated to more eye-candy in the form of two other diners with tops that only covered one half of the boobs. My brother-in-law even set up the camera on the table so that he could hopefully get a shot as one of them walked by.

I apologize to sister and her hubby that have visited the previous two years and didn't get one-tenth the sights or action we had this year. Maybe it's because she and her husband are too young? It's we oldest family members that really needed this spring break?!?

Sorry, but even though I have posted pictures before on my blog, I don't have any pictures of this action, I left my camera in the car! Go figure!

A Dash of Life

A little dash of this and a little dash of that! Usually we use this phrase in referring to salt and the other ingredients in the recipes of life. However have you ever thought about the dash that will be on your tombstone? You know the one between the year you were born and the year you die?


There is an excellent poem written by Linda Ellis call the The Dash Poem. It describes the dash --
"For that dash represents all the time
That she (you) spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth."

I have been thinking quite a bit lately about my dash, what my life represents. Recently I had two younger lady friends, one from work and one from church, lose their husbands to death within the same week. I attended the "wake" of one and the memorial service of the other. It's interesting to hear what people say about the deceased. What would they say about me?


There is an old saying, "Death comes in threes." With the these two men dying, I wondered aloud what the third death would be? Paul's car died (dead battery) that week and I jokingly thought "that must be the third death." Regretfully, another person I know died that week and I just read her obituary today. She was a lady younger than me that died of cancer. She and her young daughter were a couple of the constant participants in the weekly fund-raising meat raffle that hubby and I worked at in Wisconsin for over two years. In her obituary, it referred to her pranks and antics at Tom's Bar. Yes, I remember well.... when we would announce the winning number, Sissy would shout, "I won, I won!" It didn't take long to realize that she was joking. But her attitude on life was that she truly did win!


I have been feeling out-of-sorts lately, even before these deaths, wondering what my purpose is? Wondering what my "dash" will mean? Wondering about a lot of things. I feel like I should be doing more than working 40 + hours a week, coming home to read and watch TV. But I don't seem to have the energy to do much more. I know they say if do something, it spends energy, but it also creates more energy. Right now, I am quite stagnant.

Life

So much for resolutions...... I reviewed my last post on New Year's Day and I have to laugh! Did I do any of those for even a week? I can't remember. Speaking of resolutions, my sister who blogs daily has been writing a lot of eating, dieting, exercising, etc. I'm sure she weighs a at least 120 pounds less than I do and yet she is more concerned about her weight than I am. I am seventeen years older than her and I don't want to see her fretting over weight until she's my age. Life's too short to worry about some things. Granted, life will possibly be a lot shorter if a person continues to carry excess weight around. But part of me doesn't care anymore! Or do I?


In response (comment) to my sister's recent blog I wrote.... "Girl! What you need to "give up" is worrying about being fat! Let it go, like me. I rather enjoy the heavy breathing I do when I move around. My hubby rather "enjoys" my skin-tight clothes and the "love handles." My employer enjoys the money I spend on lunches and breakfasts in the cafeteria. My druggist enjoys the money I spend on high blood pressure medicine. Life being fat and NOT fretting over it is really quite enjoyable. You ought to try it, you might like it!"


My intent was to really tell my sister that I was concerned about her thinking about her weight and what she eats all the time. It can become an obsession (an addiction) and believe me, our family genes carry plenty of addictive behaviors. I have periodically obsessed (called diets) for years about what I'm eating, what I weigh and I continue to gain weight. I don't want her to end up like me, weighing 120 pounds more than now. However, I think my sarcastic sub-conscious mind took over in my message and before I knew it, I was writing very flippantly about some serious stuff (heavy breathing & high blood pressure). I do realize that there has to be a balance here.... concern about weight and what I eat, but not an obsession that takes over my life, day & night. I wonder how and when I will get that balance??

New Year, New Day, New Me!

Happy New Year! Happy New Day! The infamous day we resolve to do more or do less or change something in our lives. I am one of thousands of people that are probably publicly (as in a blog) pronouncing my resolutions or writing it down or saying to another person.


No matter what happens, I do know that this year and this day will continue to roll on, I can't change that. However, I can only change me or my attitude towards me. If you have been following this blog, you will know that I started out with a resolution to obtain peace in my life. Peace in my physical, emotional and spiritual beings.


The year 2008 ended on a positive note, even if I have gained back almost all the weight I lost last year. But the "positive note" is that the weight gain does not make me a "failure." It does not determine the kind of person I am and how I treat others.


In the past year, I allowed the love of Jesus to come into my life, accepting His free gift again. The action of "allowing" and "accepting" began my transformation into believing that I am worthwhile. That was a positive key to my spiritual health and spiritual peace.


Then I have read several books that re-affirmed to me that I can choose to feel and act how I want. I have choices, I have options. I do not have to be tied to external forces, opinions or attitudes of others. That was emotionally freeing, a feeling of peace.


The third thing that happened and I will admit I did not think it would make any difference in my health, but it certainly appears to be so. Maybe, it's psychological and not physical, but the doctor put me on blood pressure medication and I feel calm. I wonder if my body working so hard (with the high blood pressure) made me jittery and nervous? Regardless, I have a physical peace that feels great.


So, today I start off the new year with my resolutions. I plan to have positive, "add" or "more" resolutions, no negative or "can't have" resolutions! The more I say NO to myself, the more I rebel and fail.
1. Drink more water.
2. Eat more vegetables, raw & steamed
3. Eat at least one serving of fruit per day
4. Write in my journal (or blog) at least once a week.
5. Do a Bible or meditative study at least once a week.


Sounds easy enough, but that's OK because I can gain benefits to my health - physical, emotional and spiritual which will all bring me peace.