Twenty-eight years ago today, I thought that my life as I knew it was ending. The previous week I had arrived at my parents home to stay there for awhile. My job in California had ended with the shut-down of the 12 urgent care clinics I worked for. It was my first time being laid-off and since I had spent three years in California; and I was not in a relationship; and I was almost 34 years old..... I decided to move back to Wisconsin.
These may be all good reasons to think my life was ending, but not me! I was looking forward to a new life and another change! I was going to look for a good-ol' Wisconsin farm boy and get myself married!
Well, before that occurred, I had one more obligation for my previous employer. That obligation was to fly down to New Orleans and teach the business office staff down there how to follow up with California Medical (Medicaid) and get the companies last dollars for our services in California. So Monday morning, August 12, 1985, I was on the plane to New Orleans. Just a week or so earlier, a plane had crashed in Dallas due to wind shear or bad weather. It always seems to happen that I have a flight booked shortly after some kind of airplane crash!
So this day there was a nasty storm brewing in MSP (Minneapolis-St Paul) and we took off in it! The plane was bucking and rolling and the lightning, thunder and rain were torrential as we climbed into the storm. This is when I thought, "My life is going to end today!" All I could do was pray, "God, if it's my time to go, it's my time. I know where I'm going (heaven) and I'm OK!" I don't recall praying anything other than that, because I truly believed there was no alternative than death.
Uffda! Somehow, sometime later, we broke through the storm clouds and continued southward. Of course, I did make it to New Orleans. Since then I have flown probably close to 100 or more flights and never once have I again experienced any severe storm like that. Not even close! Go figure! Or maybe, pilots are little more cautious now.
Anyway, God had other plans for me other than "my life as I knew it was ending." Or maybe, He did know "my life as I knew it was ending." Stay tuned tomorrow for the rest of the story! :)
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Monday, August 12, 2013
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Last Year, New Year
My sister asked on facebook what was the personal greatest accomplishment in 2011. My first instinct was to respond that I lost 23#, all in a matter of the last few weeks of the year. Then I thought about the fact that my cholesterol and glucose are now in the normal range. Or the fact that after getting a daily dose of anti-depressant, I now feel "normal." These are all items of bragging rights. But I think that my greatest accomplishment was coming to the realization that I was a fat, unhealthy, crabby old woman who was stressed about anything and everything. And I came to the realization that I did not want to be that way any longer.
The fact that I started to make some changes in my life, even at 60 years of age, was my greatest accomplishment. There's a phrase that says "you can teach an old dog new tricks." I would add to that, "it just takes longer."
I will admit that I have always been a complainer, "It's not fair." Guess what, life is not fair. Life is not for the faint-hearted. Life is tough. Only by the grace of God have I lived this long with some of the habits and choices I have made in my life. I often see the glass as half-empty and long for a different life.
Is it fair that I have seen the beautiful turquoise waters of the Caribbean four times as many times as others in the world? Is it fair that I have set foot in 47 of 50 states when others never have the opportunity to leave their home state? Is it fair that I have a faithful and loving husband for 23 years when others might have theirs for only 23 months or never? Is it fair that with my long-time unhealthy habits and obesity that I have never suffered from a heart attack or stroke? No, life is not fair.
The word "fair" means pretty, pure, just, and equitable. That last description, equitable, sums up my philosophy of what I want life to be (i.e. balanced). I started this blog with the goal of having balance in my life. I wanted balance in my life in the aspects of physical, emotional and spiritual. It did not happen! Yes, it did get better for a while and then I spiralled out of control and out of balance again. And I responded again with my age-old adage of "It's not fair!"
An equitable life is even-keeled, no rocking or rolling of the ship. In many respects that is desirable and calming. But when a ship is calm and even-keeled, it's often not moving, not getting anywhere. The winds must fill the sails and move the ship along. Often the ship at full-sail is leaning to one side and it's moving. A person has to adjust to the leaning ship in order to not fall down. They have to grab onto the nearest object to steady themselves. If a person tries to walk alone on a moving ship, they will find themselves flailing and failing to remain upright.
Grabbing onto something offers the support a person needs to get from one point to another on the ship as its moving along. In life, as well as a sailing ship, the key thing to remember is "support." It is a foolish person on the ship that tries to walk around a moving ship without grabbing onto a railing or two. So, why do I not realize that I'm being foolish in trying to walk alone, without support?
Fair seas will have us staying in one place. If I am staying in one place, calm and cool, I am stagnant. The winds of life have to be blowing, sometimes buffeting us to move us along. Life is not about continuous balance and calmness. It is about rocking and rolling, moving us from one destination to another. Hang on, life is going to take me for a ride!
My new years resolution is to view life as a glass full instead of half empty. Exhilaration and excitement comes from the roller coaster experiences of life, not the sitting on the sidelines type of life.
The fact that I started to make some changes in my life, even at 60 years of age, was my greatest accomplishment. There's a phrase that says "you can teach an old dog new tricks." I would add to that, "it just takes longer."
I will admit that I have always been a complainer, "It's not fair." Guess what, life is not fair. Life is not for the faint-hearted. Life is tough. Only by the grace of God have I lived this long with some of the habits and choices I have made in my life. I often see the glass as half-empty and long for a different life.
Is it fair that I have seen the beautiful turquoise waters of the Caribbean four times as many times as others in the world? Is it fair that I have set foot in 47 of 50 states when others never have the opportunity to leave their home state? Is it fair that I have a faithful and loving husband for 23 years when others might have theirs for only 23 months or never? Is it fair that with my long-time unhealthy habits and obesity that I have never suffered from a heart attack or stroke? No, life is not fair.
The word "fair" means pretty, pure, just, and equitable. That last description, equitable, sums up my philosophy of what I want life to be (i.e. balanced). I started this blog with the goal of having balance in my life. I wanted balance in my life in the aspects of physical, emotional and spiritual. It did not happen! Yes, it did get better for a while and then I spiralled out of control and out of balance again. And I responded again with my age-old adage of "It's not fair!"
An equitable life is even-keeled, no rocking or rolling of the ship. In many respects that is desirable and calming. But when a ship is calm and even-keeled, it's often not moving, not getting anywhere. The winds must fill the sails and move the ship along. Often the ship at full-sail is leaning to one side and it's moving. A person has to adjust to the leaning ship in order to not fall down. They have to grab onto the nearest object to steady themselves. If a person tries to walk alone on a moving ship, they will find themselves flailing and failing to remain upright.
Grabbing onto something offers the support a person needs to get from one point to another on the ship as its moving along. In life, as well as a sailing ship, the key thing to remember is "support." It is a foolish person on the ship that tries to walk around a moving ship without grabbing onto a railing or two. So, why do I not realize that I'm being foolish in trying to walk alone, without support?
Fair seas will have us staying in one place. If I am staying in one place, calm and cool, I am stagnant. The winds of life have to be blowing, sometimes buffeting us to move us along. Life is not about continuous balance and calmness. It is about rocking and rolling, moving us from one destination to another. Hang on, life is going to take me for a ride!
My new years resolution is to view life as a glass full instead of half empty. Exhilaration and excitement comes from the roller coaster experiences of life, not the sitting on the sidelines type of life.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
A Dash of Life
A little dash of this and a little dash of that! Usually we use this phrase in referring to salt and the other ingredients in the recipes of life. However have you ever thought about the dash that will be on your tombstone? You know the one between the year you were born and the year you die?
There is an excellent poem written by Linda Ellis call the The Dash Poem. It describes the dash --
"For that dash represents all the time
That she (you) spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth."
I have been thinking quite a bit lately about my dash, what my life represents. Recently I had two younger lady friends, one from work and one from church, lose their husbands to death within the same week. I attended the "wake" of one and the memorial service of the other. It's interesting to hear what people say about the deceased. What would they say about me?
There is an old saying, "Death comes in threes." With the these two men dying, I wondered aloud what the third death would be? Paul's car died (dead battery) that week and I jokingly thought "that must be the third death." Regretfully, another person I know died that week and I just read her obituary today. She was a lady younger than me that died of cancer. She and her young daughter were a couple of the constant participants in the weekly fund-raising meat raffle that hubby and I worked at in Wisconsin for over two years. In her obituary, it referred to her pranks and antics at Tom's Bar. Yes, I remember well.... when we would announce the winning number, Sissy would shout, "I won, I won!" It didn't take long to realize that she was joking. But her attitude on life was that she truly did win!
I have been feeling out-of-sorts lately, even before these deaths, wondering what my purpose is? Wondering what my "dash" will mean? Wondering about a lot of things. I feel like I should be doing more than working 40 + hours a week, coming home to read and watch TV. But I don't seem to have the energy to do much more. I know they say if do something, it spends energy, but it also creates more energy. Right now, I am quite stagnant.
There is an excellent poem written by Linda Ellis call the The Dash Poem. It describes the dash --
"For that dash represents all the time
That she (you) spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth."
I have been thinking quite a bit lately about my dash, what my life represents. Recently I had two younger lady friends, one from work and one from church, lose their husbands to death within the same week. I attended the "wake" of one and the memorial service of the other. It's interesting to hear what people say about the deceased. What would they say about me?
There is an old saying, "Death comes in threes." With the these two men dying, I wondered aloud what the third death would be? Paul's car died (dead battery) that week and I jokingly thought "that must be the third death." Regretfully, another person I know died that week and I just read her obituary today. She was a lady younger than me that died of cancer. She and her young daughter were a couple of the constant participants in the weekly fund-raising meat raffle that hubby and I worked at in Wisconsin for over two years. In her obituary, it referred to her pranks and antics at Tom's Bar. Yes, I remember well.... when we would announce the winning number, Sissy would shout, "I won, I won!" It didn't take long to realize that she was joking. But her attitude on life was that she truly did win!
I have been feeling out-of-sorts lately, even before these deaths, wondering what my purpose is? Wondering what my "dash" will mean? Wondering about a lot of things. I feel like I should be doing more than working 40 + hours a week, coming home to read and watch TV. But I don't seem to have the energy to do much more. I know they say if do something, it spends energy, but it also creates more energy. Right now, I am quite stagnant.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Life
So much for resolutions...... I reviewed my last post on New Year's Day and I have to laugh! Did I do any of those for even a week? I can't remember. Speaking of resolutions, my sister who blogs daily has been writing a lot of eating, dieting, exercising, etc. I'm sure she weighs a at least 120 pounds less than I do and yet she is more concerned about her weight than I am. I am seventeen years older than her and I don't want to see her fretting over weight until she's my age. Life's too short to worry about some things. Granted, life will possibly be a lot shorter if a person continues to carry excess weight around. But part of me doesn't care anymore! Or do I?
In response (comment) to my sister's recent blog I wrote.... "Girl! What you need to "give up" is worrying about being fat! Let it go, like me. I rather enjoy the heavy breathing I do when I move around. My hubby rather "enjoys" my skin-tight clothes and the "love handles." My employer enjoys the money I spend on lunches and breakfasts in the cafeteria. My druggist enjoys the money I spend on high blood pressure medicine. Life being fat and NOT fretting over it is really quite enjoyable. You ought to try it, you might like it!"
My intent was to really tell my sister that I was concerned about her thinking about her weight and what she eats all the time. It can become an obsession (an addiction) and believe me, our family genes carry plenty of addictive behaviors. I have periodically obsessed (called diets) for years about what I'm eating, what I weigh and I continue to gain weight. I don't want her to end up like me, weighing 120 pounds more than now. However, I think my sarcastic sub-conscious mind took over in my message and before I knew it, I was writing very flippantly about some serious stuff (heavy breathing & high blood pressure). I do realize that there has to be a balance here.... concern about weight and what I eat, but not an obsession that takes over my life, day & night. I wonder how and when I will get that balance??
In response (comment) to my sister's recent blog I wrote.... "Girl! What you need to "give up" is worrying about being fat! Let it go, like me. I rather enjoy the heavy breathing I do when I move around. My hubby rather "enjoys" my skin-tight clothes and the "love handles." My employer enjoys the money I spend on lunches and breakfasts in the cafeteria. My druggist enjoys the money I spend on high blood pressure medicine. Life being fat and NOT fretting over it is really quite enjoyable. You ought to try it, you might like it!"
My intent was to really tell my sister that I was concerned about her thinking about her weight and what she eats all the time. It can become an obsession (an addiction) and believe me, our family genes carry plenty of addictive behaviors. I have periodically obsessed (called diets) for years about what I'm eating, what I weigh and I continue to gain weight. I don't want her to end up like me, weighing 120 pounds more than now. However, I think my sarcastic sub-conscious mind took over in my message and before I knew it, I was writing very flippantly about some serious stuff (heavy breathing & high blood pressure). I do realize that there has to be a balance here.... concern about weight and what I eat, but not an obsession that takes over my life, day & night. I wonder how and when I will get that balance??
Sunday, December 21, 2008
JOY
JOY!
It's a word that we don't use very often in our everyday language. We use the word joy or rejoice often in speaking and singing about Christmas and Easter. Christmas, a time to celebrate Jesus the Messiah's birth and Easter, a time to celebrate Jesus the Christ's resurrection. Joy is not just a word to describe birth or re-birth, it's a word to describe our lives everyday. If we choose to do so. How many of us can say that we live our lives joyfully? It doesn't have to mean giddy, smiley, thrilling or high all the time? But is that not what we often think of when we hear "joy" (i.e. joy ride)?
Joy means "a condition or feeling of high pleasure or delight; happiness; gladness; An expression of manifestation of such feeling." How many of us can say that we live our lives everyday with happiness and gladness? Oh, we all have periods or maybe just moments of joy throughout our day, week, month, or year. Joy is not just a gift of feeling delight, it's an action, an expression of such feeling. How many of our family, friends or co-workers would say about us, "He/She is a delight to be around."?
Living a life of joy does not mean that we will not face obstacles and challenges. However, can we take those obstacles and challenges and convert them into opportunities to share our joy? Sharing is an action, a giving of ourselves... our time, talents and treasures. Why not try to live your life "joyfully" this Christmas? Maybe even into next year? A Joyous Christmas to all!
It's a word that we don't use very often in our everyday language. We use the word joy or rejoice often in speaking and singing about Christmas and Easter. Christmas, a time to celebrate Jesus the Messiah's birth and Easter, a time to celebrate Jesus the Christ's resurrection. Joy is not just a word to describe birth or re-birth, it's a word to describe our lives everyday. If we choose to do so. How many of us can say that we live our lives joyfully? It doesn't have to mean giddy, smiley, thrilling or high all the time? But is that not what we often think of when we hear "joy" (i.e. joy ride)?
Joy means "a condition or feeling of high pleasure or delight; happiness; gladness; An expression of manifestation of such feeling." How many of us can say that we live our lives everyday with happiness and gladness? Oh, we all have periods or maybe just moments of joy throughout our day, week, month, or year. Joy is not just a gift of feeling delight, it's an action, an expression of such feeling. How many of our family, friends or co-workers would say about us, "He/She is a delight to be around."?
Living a life of joy does not mean that we will not face obstacles and challenges. However, can we take those obstacles and challenges and convert them into opportunities to share our joy? Sharing is an action, a giving of ourselves... our time, talents and treasures. Why not try to live your life "joyfully" this Christmas? Maybe even into next year? A Joyous Christmas to all!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Keep Out!
Keep Out! Apparently the wind, rain, blazing sunshine and animals can't read as they have invaded this house in a Texas "ghost" town! I wonder what the owner is protecting by posting this sign. Perhaps they are trying to protect the house from a few more bricks being stolen from it's walls. Tonight, I found myself browsing my pictures looking for something that would "state" my mood today! This picture seemed to do it.
It's been a very busy week at work, with a heavy workload and a lot of other work being pushed aside on my desk. In fact this morning when I walked into my office, I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack just looking at the mess of papers on my desk. Projects and "fires" to put out seemed to pile up all day. One of my staff came into my office and I didn't think that I reacted physically, but she said, "You said, you have an open door policy." Then she grinned as she discussed one more problem (i.e. "fire").
Yes, sometimes I feel like my office is in this type of building, no protection from the elements and everyone can easily see if you're in or out. They can "invade" my dwelling. And yes, sometimes I wish that I also had a "keep out" sign. Even tonight my phone rang and I stood up, as if to go and get it. Then I stopped in my tracks and paused as I thought to myself, "Should I answer it or not?" My sense of commitment to work got the best of me as I surely thought the caller must be one of my co-workers. So, I answered it. It was an old friend from New Mexico and her call was a pleasant surprise.
Yes, some days, it feels like you have no protection, no roof over your head. It feels like the walls are crumbling around you. There are critters crawling on your floors and you wonder if you can take the heat one more day? But if you lean back in your chair and look straight up, you'll feel the warmth of sunshine on your face and you'll see a cloudless day with beautiful blue skies. Awwww! It's not all bad! If you look up, other things in your life will "look up."
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Paths
This morning I awoke from a dream.... one of those thought-provoking ones that keep you awake wondering what would have happened next if I had stayed asleep dreaming.
In my dream I was traveling down a narrow, flat road, actually it was more like a gravel path. In the distance I could see a wall that went across the road and extended as far as the eye could see. I knew the wall meant the end of my journey, death. I was not afraid, it was reality. However I realized that I had a choice on what I did in my life between right now and when I got to the wall. I knew that timing was not an issue, I would get to the wall when I got there. I was filled with the sense that I could just slowly cruise down the path, straight and narrow, enjoying the scenery. Enjoying what I've accomplished so far in life. My other choice was to dart here and there on side paths and see what adventures lay under the bushes in the field around the road. One choice left me feeling relaxed and the other choice left me feeling excited.
I awoke with the question, which way am I going to travel to that wall? Both choices were appealing. I lay in bed imagining both choices and I imagined feeling relaxed and bored in re-living accomplishments. I could also imagine feeling excited and exhausted in seeking new adventures. I came up with the "answer" to how I could travel to the wall, the end of my life. I could take short side trips, finding new things to do, see and live. Then I could come back to the road and relax and travel the straight-and-narrow for awhile. Then go back to the new things and back to relaxing. I thought of it as a combination of the tortoise and hare philosophy. I like that journey, I think it may fit me!
In my dream I was traveling down a narrow, flat road, actually it was more like a gravel path. In the distance I could see a wall that went across the road and extended as far as the eye could see. I knew the wall meant the end of my journey, death. I was not afraid, it was reality. However I realized that I had a choice on what I did in my life between right now and when I got to the wall. I knew that timing was not an issue, I would get to the wall when I got there. I was filled with the sense that I could just slowly cruise down the path, straight and narrow, enjoying the scenery. Enjoying what I've accomplished so far in life. My other choice was to dart here and there on side paths and see what adventures lay under the bushes in the field around the road. One choice left me feeling relaxed and the other choice left me feeling excited.
I awoke with the question, which way am I going to travel to that wall? Both choices were appealing. I lay in bed imagining both choices and I imagined feeling relaxed and bored in re-living accomplishments. I could also imagine feeling excited and exhausted in seeking new adventures. I came up with the "answer" to how I could travel to the wall, the end of my life. I could take short side trips, finding new things to do, see and live. Then I could come back to the road and relax and travel the straight-and-narrow for awhile. Then go back to the new things and back to relaxing. I thought of it as a combination of the tortoise and hare philosophy. I like that journey, I think it may fit me!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Life is a Dance
Last night I finished reading a novel by Kris Radish, Annie Freeman's Fabulous Traveling Funeral. The premise of the novel is that Annie Freeman has died young from cancer and her gift to her girlfriends is a trip to some of the places that meant something to her. While at each place, her friends (some that know each other only by name and what they've heard from Annie) are to spread some of Annie's cremated ashes. It's a story about bringing together five grieving friends and the lessons they learn about living. An oft-quoted phrase appears in this novel several times.... They say funerals are for the living.
It got me thinking about what friends I would send on my "traveling funeral" and where I would have them go. I reflected on my relationships with other women and how some women that meant a lot to me at some point in my life have disappeared. No more Christmas cards from them, not even sure where they are at or even if they are alive. That saddened me. Other friends that I know where they live, I have not kept in much contact. That saddened me. Yes, I can't forget my birth sisters that are also my friends.
It got me thinking about what friends I would send on my "traveling funeral" and where I would have them go. I reflected on my relationships with other women and how some women that meant a lot to me at some point in my life have disappeared. No more Christmas cards from them, not even sure where they are at or even if they are alive. That saddened me. Other friends that I know where they live, I have not kept in much contact. That saddened me. Yes, I can't forget my birth sisters that are also my friends.
"My sister's love is very special, one I'll treasure through the years. We've played and laughed together and ofttimes shed many tears, but through life's maze of problems, God placed a bond of love within to unite our hearts in wisdom changing sisters into friends." - Judy Meggers
The women in the novel share much about themselves and learn much from the others. They all realize that in the hustle and bustle of life, they have let a part of themselves die. Whether the part that died is their time for themselves, creativity, relationships with others or something or someone else; they all left the traveling funeral with plans to reclaim ME!
The other night I went to bed thinking about this story. I dreamed about dancing. I was being told to "Dance!" and I was dancing. I awoke in the middle of the night to reflect on the dream and thought that dancing is so much like life. There are all types of dances.... fast, slow, sensual, exotic, funny.... you name it. Just as there are all types of lives and ways to live our lives. In dancing and in life, we dance solo or with a partner or in a group. In reflecting on this dance equals life theme, I realized that if someone were to tell me to "Live, Rayna, live!" I may not listen or I'd exclaim, "I'm am living." However, if someone were to tell me, "Dance, Rayna, dance!" I would start moving to the music in my head or the music in my heart.
I went back to sleep and then got early yesterday and continued to read the book. As I was on the second page of the next chapter, a character in the novel, Balinda, is writing in a notebook about herself and then she writes what she thinks Annie, the dead friend, would write back to her. ".... This funeral, as you now know is about learning how to dance. Dance, Balinda. Just dance." I dropped the book and dropped my jaw! Here was the theme of my dream written into this novel. Talk about feeling like someone was trying to get a point across to me!
Just the other day, I questioned, "What do I deserve at this point in my life?" I deserve to dance! I deserve to live! I need to turn up the volume of the music that is in my heart. I need to dance with others and by myself. I need to live. I need to be thankful for life.
Peace be within you!Sunday, November 25, 2007
Run-Away Imagination
Imagination is something I am blessed with having for a characteristic. From a young age I loved to read and would imagine myself in the stories. Dreaming up my own stories was fun too, though seldom did I write them down.
As a child and teenager, I grew up in a household ravaged by alcoholism. My father, now recovering, is an alcoholic and would often drink after work. My mother was angry and tried to control every situation in her own way. This meant there was a lot of yelling and disciplinary actions taken on all of us. When my father would arrive home after the bars closed, there would be more yelling. My mother yelling at my father about drinking and lack of money to pay the bills. As the oldest child I vacillated between ignoring my family by staying in my room reading or imagining ways to take away my younger sisters and brother to escape the world we lived in. I wanted to run away.
"Flight or fight" is a term I learned about in college while taking psychology courses. I quickly recognized that I prefer the flight method of dealing with things in my life versus staying and fighting. When I was eight years old, I ran away from home. Pedaling my bicycle I went about a mile from one house to our former residence after a fight with my mother. She tracked me down hiding in the porch of the house I had lived in for seven of my eight years. I remember sensing that my mother was so contrite about my running away, probably she was embarrassed in front of our old neighbors that her daughter would do such a thing.
Other than imagining the escape of my siblings and I by pulling a wagon with my baby brother to grandma's house which was 20 miles away; I do not recall any specific incidence of wanting to run away until 1977. [Although there were many incidences of my fleeing situations or escaping by drinking alcohol.] On my way to work I would pass over the interstate highway and I would see a sign that a certain city was XX miles that way if you followed the arrow. Day after day, I wanted to just make that turn and head towards that city.
It was not the city that I longed to see or visit, it was the appeal of running away. I never wanted to take anything with me, I just wanted to take my car and go. I wanted to not tell anyone about my leave, as I wanted to go there and start a new life, a different life. But then I would get to thinking about family and friends that would be concerned about my where-abouts. I thought that if I did tell my family where I was (so they would not be worried) that creditors, bosses, landlords, etc would be hounding my parents for information and they would break down and tell them where I was. Then I would have to go back and face the music....abandonment of job and household, overdue bills. So daily, sometimes for weeks on end, I would decide not to take that turn to that city. I would keep going straight to my job. Sooner or later I would change jobs or change places of residence, either home or city. The flight urgency would subside...for awhile.
The urgency to flee has occurred many times since then in my life. I would imagine taking a different road to work and keep on driving. I usually imagined going to a remote location. Someplace desolate, where the chances that the townsfolk would even hear of me missing would be remote. In thinking about some of this escapades, I have even thought of faking amnesia so that I could be totally anonymous even to my new neighbors. You may be thinking, "She's crazy!" Or you may be laughing, "She's nuts!"
Sometimes, I feel that way.... crazy and nuts. Sometimes, I hate myself for these flight feelings that come over me. I do not have a bad or even semi-bad life... I have a wonderful husband, good job, nice home, etc, etc. But the urge to start a new life, the wanderlust, the gypsy in me is there, I can't deny it. Over the years, I have started to recognize that part of my flight feelings has more to do with the gnawing question, "Is this all there is to life?"
My decision to share some of this in my blog is that I have had those feelings again.... keep on driving, don't go to work, pretend you disappeared. The other night the movie, The Family Man was on TV. I had not originally seen the movie and when I read the review I felt I needed to see this movie. Nicolas Cage plays a single, successful Wall Street icon that falls asleep on Christmas Eve and wakes up married to his "old" sweetheart and has a family of two children. The movie reminded me to think of "The Christmas Carol" where the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future come to haunt. The character basically feels and acts like he has amnesia with his "new" family. Sooner or later, he starts adjusting to his new life, even though he was forced into a new life. Neither of the lives of this character were perfect, the before or the after, the old or the new. The theme of the movie struck a chord in me.
It is time to be honest with myself and time to be honest with my husband. Honesty is sometimes very difficult to profess, whether it be in a blog writing or in person. It's not easy to be honest about a character defect that I have, my wanting to flee my life, even a good life at that! But I'm willing to explore it. I am willing to explore my motives for this flight pattern and I am willing to explore ways that I can develop the pattern of staying and fight. I know that part of me wants to escape the trappings of a household and its responsibilities..... utility bills, taxes, rent or mortgage, insurance, furnishings, etc. If I didn't have this or that place to live, I wouldn't have to work (i.e. make as much money to pay for it). Yet, I find myself shopping to buy things to fill up this house and decorate it. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't! No, my house is not empty, but my soul is.
Why else would I have to question, "Is this all there is to life?"? Why else would I want to flee an otherwise wonderful life? A Wonderful Life, another Christmas film about being shaken into realizing what we have and how important it is. The more money I make, the bigger house I have, the more prestigious job I have, the more weight I lose, the more years I'm married... all of this has not taken away the feeling of flight. The feeling of emptiness.
I know that there will be comments made about my needing God, Christ, Holy Spirit, Buddha, whatever. That may be right. However, right now, my life feels fuller in just being honest.
As a child and teenager, I grew up in a household ravaged by alcoholism. My father, now recovering, is an alcoholic and would often drink after work. My mother was angry and tried to control every situation in her own way. This meant there was a lot of yelling and disciplinary actions taken on all of us. When my father would arrive home after the bars closed, there would be more yelling. My mother yelling at my father about drinking and lack of money to pay the bills. As the oldest child I vacillated between ignoring my family by staying in my room reading or imagining ways to take away my younger sisters and brother to escape the world we lived in. I wanted to run away.
"Flight or fight" is a term I learned about in college while taking psychology courses. I quickly recognized that I prefer the flight method of dealing with things in my life versus staying and fighting. When I was eight years old, I ran away from home. Pedaling my bicycle I went about a mile from one house to our former residence after a fight with my mother. She tracked me down hiding in the porch of the house I had lived in for seven of my eight years. I remember sensing that my mother was so contrite about my running away, probably she was embarrassed in front of our old neighbors that her daughter would do such a thing.
Other than imagining the escape of my siblings and I by pulling a wagon with my baby brother to grandma's house which was 20 miles away; I do not recall any specific incidence of wanting to run away until 1977. [Although there were many incidences of my fleeing situations or escaping by drinking alcohol.] On my way to work I would pass over the interstate highway and I would see a sign that a certain city was XX miles that way if you followed the arrow. Day after day, I wanted to just make that turn and head towards that city.
It was not the city that I longed to see or visit, it was the appeal of running away. I never wanted to take anything with me, I just wanted to take my car and go. I wanted to not tell anyone about my leave, as I wanted to go there and start a new life, a different life. But then I would get to thinking about family and friends that would be concerned about my where-abouts. I thought that if I did tell my family where I was (so they would not be worried) that creditors, bosses, landlords, etc would be hounding my parents for information and they would break down and tell them where I was. Then I would have to go back and face the music....abandonment of job and household, overdue bills. So daily, sometimes for weeks on end, I would decide not to take that turn to that city. I would keep going straight to my job. Sooner or later I would change jobs or change places of residence, either home or city. The flight urgency would subside...for awhile.
The urgency to flee has occurred many times since then in my life. I would imagine taking a different road to work and keep on driving. I usually imagined going to a remote location. Someplace desolate, where the chances that the townsfolk would even hear of me missing would be remote. In thinking about some of this escapades, I have even thought of faking amnesia so that I could be totally anonymous even to my new neighbors. You may be thinking, "She's crazy!" Or you may be laughing, "She's nuts!"
Sometimes, I feel that way.... crazy and nuts. Sometimes, I hate myself for these flight feelings that come over me. I do not have a bad or even semi-bad life... I have a wonderful husband, good job, nice home, etc, etc. But the urge to start a new life, the wanderlust, the gypsy in me is there, I can't deny it. Over the years, I have started to recognize that part of my flight feelings has more to do with the gnawing question, "Is this all there is to life?"
My decision to share some of this in my blog is that I have had those feelings again.... keep on driving, don't go to work, pretend you disappeared. The other night the movie, The Family Man was on TV. I had not originally seen the movie and when I read the review I felt I needed to see this movie. Nicolas Cage plays a single, successful Wall Street icon that falls asleep on Christmas Eve and wakes up married to his "old" sweetheart and has a family of two children. The movie reminded me to think of "The Christmas Carol" where the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future come to haunt. The character basically feels and acts like he has amnesia with his "new" family. Sooner or later, he starts adjusting to his new life, even though he was forced into a new life. Neither of the lives of this character were perfect, the before or the after, the old or the new. The theme of the movie struck a chord in me.
It is time to be honest with myself and time to be honest with my husband. Honesty is sometimes very difficult to profess, whether it be in a blog writing or in person. It's not easy to be honest about a character defect that I have, my wanting to flee my life, even a good life at that! But I'm willing to explore it. I am willing to explore my motives for this flight pattern and I am willing to explore ways that I can develop the pattern of staying and fight. I know that part of me wants to escape the trappings of a household and its responsibilities..... utility bills, taxes, rent or mortgage, insurance, furnishings, etc. If I didn't have this or that place to live, I wouldn't have to work (i.e. make as much money to pay for it). Yet, I find myself shopping to buy things to fill up this house and decorate it. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't! No, my house is not empty, but my soul is.
Why else would I have to question, "Is this all there is to life?"? Why else would I want to flee an otherwise wonderful life? A Wonderful Life, another Christmas film about being shaken into realizing what we have and how important it is. The more money I make, the bigger house I have, the more prestigious job I have, the more weight I lose, the more years I'm married... all of this has not taken away the feeling of flight. The feeling of emptiness.
I know that there will be comments made about my needing God, Christ, Holy Spirit, Buddha, whatever. That may be right. However, right now, my life feels fuller in just being honest.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Advise
Happy Birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! You can't tell that I'm a "Leo" and like attention, can you? Today is my 56th birthday. Guess I'd better change my blog introduction. Anyway I feel 76, maybe even 86. I'm tired & I am either hungry or suffering from indigestion. How does a person know?
Do you ever wonder what a certain age ahead really feels like? I do. When I was 36, I'm sure I wondered what 56 would feel like. What would I be doing? Where would I be living? Would I be married to "hubby"? Would we still be together? Would I be healthy? If I remember right, I weighed about 25-30 pounds less 20 years ago?
I read about a mental & emotional exercise to do... Imagine that you are 18 years old and you have to give yourself some advise or words of wisdom from yourself, a 56 year old, for example. That's a tough one. I have professed for years that one of my mottoes is "Look before you leap, but take that leap." I still have to say that's true. Take the time to look before you leap into a job, relationship or move, but if there is no outstanding obstacles, take the leap. Enjoy the free-fall!
Another one of my mottoes is.... "You always make the right decision, at the time." In other words, when you make a decision, you believe it's right, or for the best decision at that time. It may turn out later, that a better decision could have been made... but at that time, it was the right decision. Enjoy the ride!
I guess life is sometimes like a parachute fall and then landing in a roller-coaster. First you wonder if you're going to survive, then you wonder if you want to survive. But survive we do, until it's our time to go from this earth. Enjoy life! Peace!
Do you ever wonder what a certain age ahead really feels like? I do. When I was 36, I'm sure I wondered what 56 would feel like. What would I be doing? Where would I be living? Would I be married to "hubby"? Would we still be together? Would I be healthy? If I remember right, I weighed about 25-30 pounds less 20 years ago?
I read about a mental & emotional exercise to do... Imagine that you are 18 years old and you have to give yourself some advise or words of wisdom from yourself, a 56 year old, for example. That's a tough one. I have professed for years that one of my mottoes is "Look before you leap, but take that leap." I still have to say that's true. Take the time to look before you leap into a job, relationship or move, but if there is no outstanding obstacles, take the leap. Enjoy the free-fall!
Another one of my mottoes is.... "You always make the right decision, at the time." In other words, when you make a decision, you believe it's right, or for the best decision at that time. It may turn out later, that a better decision could have been made... but at that time, it was the right decision. Enjoy the ride!
I guess life is sometimes like a parachute fall and then landing in a roller-coaster. First you wonder if you're going to survive, then you wonder if you want to survive. But survive we do, until it's our time to go from this earth. Enjoy life! Peace!
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