PRIDE

Pride - a multi-faceted, multi-meaning word.

A few weeks ago, I went to the stage musical, The Lion King, which reflected on pride. Not only the "company of lions" type of pride, but the "excessively high opinion of oneself, arrogance" type of pride.

Last Saturday, this word popped into my head as I was walking around the local baseball stadium for a fund-raising walk. The announcer said, "You need to walk or run around the stadium twelve times to equal three miles." Granted all the funds of most walkers, including me, were committed before the walk and no one expected me to walk the three miles. But I was bound and determined that I would finish that three miles with the best of them. It was a lot different walking on sand, gravel and sod compared to cement streets. And it was two hours later in the day than I usually walk... read "hotter." It was also different walking with a couple hundred people instead of myself.

I was walking quite well, passing a number of people. I was only paying attention to my number of rounds, but I did notice that less and less people were walking every round. I kept saying to myself, "No one is going to accuse this fat, old lady of wimping out!" When my twelfth last lap ended, I looked behind me and I was very surprised to see maybe a dozen walkers behind me. I knew that I passed more walkers than that! Wait a minute, you mean everyone did not do the whole walk? You mean everyone did not take the announcer literally? I have never done one of these types of walks before & I did not know that people bail out.

Did I have to walk the full twelve laps? Apparently not. Did I feel a sense of pride ("satisfaction taken in one's achievements)? Apparently yes. Oh well, my mother always did accuse me of being just like my father, full of pride.

The word pride has been "bugging" me since that day. I realize that I have been quite superficial in my blog writings lately, focusing on outside events and not on myself. Am I losing my pride (read conceit) because I am not focusing on self - physical, emotional, spiritual? Or is my pride causing me to not write about myself because I don't feel like it? Or I don't feel like I'm concentrating on my PES Project with the same vim & vigor that I had a few months ago? Or I'm scared to write about that I'm not doing so well on my food intake?

I know that in order to take the next steps in this journey, I had to face the facts. The facts are I've been more emotional lately, feeling stronger feelings of sorrow, loss, anger, happiness. The facts are I've been more open to spirituality lately, praying, accepting of God. The facts are physically, I've been walking two miles regularly with vim & vigor, yet my food intake has been more than needed.

Every morning when I walk I think about what I could write about in this blog, but time and guilt prevent me. Today, when I got home, hubby said, "You have not been on the scale in a while, what's up?" I had to admit I was scared to get on the scale because of my food intake. I vacillate from weighing daily to going a month without weighing. I never could stick to anything, even something like weighing regularly. I had in the past weeks also tried to justify my abstinence of weighing to the "fact" that I should not concentrate on the weight as much as the "principle" of physical health. So I decided to face the music and see how much I had gained. It was tough, because I know me...... any weight gain would have me depressed all day and for several days. Yet, I felt full of guilt knowing that I was the only one who put food in my mouth, it was my choice. So to compensate, I told myself, "I expect that I have gained X number of pounds since I last weighed."

I got on the scale and held my breath after expelling at least 3 ounces of breath. Even the air in your lungs is weight on your body, didn't you know that? I am sicko, I know! Or do other women "play" these games with the scale?

I was stunned! I was speechless! I had not gained any weight! I had maintained a "decent" weight loss (13%) for a month-and-half! I was ecstatic! What more can I write... except that my pride (satisfaction in one's accomplishments) can give me a sense of drive to accomplish the next step? I'm going for it.... 14% here we come! Peace.