Reflection

Starting to wind down on our Arizona experience.  Reflecting on all that we have done, all that we have seen, and all the friends we had the opportunity to visit.  No more touring to do, as in no more trips or places in Arizona to visit...until we leave Arizona and take nine days to get back to Wisconsin. 

In the meantime, This morning I finally got back to writing more in my autobiography.  I got to a point in my life, 1980, when I remembered how depressed I was after leaving Colorado and moving "back home."  I don't recall what I expected to happen when I came back, but it did not take me long to regret leaving Colorado.  The thought of suicide came to my mind and became stronger as I became more depressed.  I couldn't find full-time employment and I was depending on my sister to house me and in essence support me.  The date was set for my suicide to happen, only I was not sure how and where I would commit suicide.  

The day came and I took a long walk to the lake by my parents home.  I even took my camera and got some photos of ivy growing on a old shed with a rusty roof, a classic photo for me.  It was fall and the leaves were changing and everything was so colorful...except me.  I was full of darkness and dark thoughts.  Sitting by the lake and seeing the reflection of the colorful trees on the opposite shore started to awaken some desire in me to keep on living.  I thought about all the wonders of this earth and how I would miss it all.  God or a higher power suddenly put this concept into my head, "If I don't have a way figured out on how to commit suicide, maybe I should give life another chance."  

My depression did not go away by any means.  I spent hours writing a conversation with God in my journals and crying.  Eventually, I did get a job...three part-time jobs.  Yes, Life did go on! 

The reason I decided to share this story is because I know others have felt this same type of darkness and hopelessness.  I would not have the courage to share something this personal, except that I am on a pursuit of being fully me, fully exposing myself to the light.

"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Marianne Williamson

Author, Aliza Bloom Robinson in her book Falling Into Ease, goes on to expound on Williamson's quote by writing, 

"How can you know peace in your soul without having experienced the lack of or opposite of peace?  How can you recognize the brightness of your light without having experienced darkness?  You can't."

Let's just say that God or a higher power suddenly put this into my head...The darkness I have experienced in my life, has opened me up to experience the light of the world and be full of gratitude and peace.  Therefore, I could not let my fear of vulnerability stop me from reflecting and writing about my experiences.  I hope that shining my light on my suicide thoughts will liberate others...to reflect on their life.  Just remember, that to see a reflection, you must have light.