Spiritual

As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog project, the "S" in "pes" stands for spiritual.

Since it is Sunday today, the day that most of the western world recognizes as a "go to church" day, I thought I would share a little about what I think spirituality is .... or is not. This aspect of my lifestyle change and balancing my life may be the more difficult than others may think or realize.

Yes, I go to church most Sundays, but why? To be truthful & this is being very honest, I don't know why? That is tough to say "aloud." Tough to admit when some people think I'm a church-going, God-filled Christian. Tough to admit when there was a time in my past that going to church fulfilled me and I did feel close to God. Call me a "doubting Thomas," but some things have changed for me and other things have not. It's not the church I go to, it's me.

I think some of my doubts started about 2 years ago when my nephew Matthew went to Iraq as a Marine. Our family knew that he was specially trained for some heavy-duty fighting and battles. We passed emails around about praying for him as most families and friends do. And I'm sure that there were hundreds of people praying for Matt, including myself. We were no different than thousands of other families and friends praying for their service-people in Iraq. Yet why did God answer our prayers for Matt's safety when other families' prays went unanswered and then they had to pray for strength to get through a funeral? It really hit me in the throat. It cut off my air. It brought tears to my eyes. Why? Why?

Recently, I remember reading or hearing somewhere that prayer is not for God sake, it's for our sake. Is prayer just a way for us to feel useful? In other words, I could not be in Iraq to protect Matthew, yet I could pray for his protection. So I was doing "something." Is it that God really doesn't answer prayer? In other words, I am just petitioning for what I want/need. I don't know, and maybe I will never know. But I keep going back to church thinking that someday a piece of enlightenment will occur.

My morning walks are a good time to ponder and let my thoughts ramble. Today, I was wondering what my blog subject would be? I thought of "spirituality," yet I was not sure if I was ready to be as honest as I have been. So I went to church and the last hymn was a song I have no recollection of ever singing before. The first stanza is....

"If you but trust in God to guide you
And place your confidence in him
You'll find him always there beside you
To give you hope and strength within
For those who trust God's changeless love
Build on the rock that will not move"

Hmmmmm. Certainly gives me food for thought! God, as I choose to understand him, will not change. He will not move. It will be my decision if I want to change and move closer to him.

Then I grabbed a book to read this afternoon and I picked "Soul Stories" by Gary Zukav. He briefly wrote about Victor/Viktor Frankl, a famous psychotherapist that I remember studying in college. I did not remember that Victor was in a concentration camp, but here is a quote from Gary's book.

"One morning his (Victor) work party was stumbing down a rocky road in the dark. In the icy wind, while the guards were shouting and hitting them with rifle butts, Victor realized something that changed his life. He realized that his highest goal--- the 'ultimate goal' --- he could reach for was love! Victor did not become a victim. He did not hate his persecutors and belittle himself. He did not say, 'Why me?' or 'This is unfair.' When you say those things you have no power. Victor stepped into the greatness of his soul. Instead of making himself into someone who hates, vows revenge, or collapses in humiliation, he made himself a hero who strives to love no matter what."

That part about "why me?" and it's "not fair" really hit home with me, I have used those phrases a hundred times, if not a thousand. I had never thought of me saying these phrases as basically rendering myself powerless. More food for thought!

It's been an educational Sunday, a day of rest!