Yesterday, I ended my blog with, "I didn't know I could do it."

When I started this project, I was taking a leap of faith that I would see some success. I was not sure I would make it a week, much less a month. I was taking it a day at a time, which is well and good in many respects.

I read an magazine article last night that got me thinking. A person has to find their vision. "Nothing really big, bold, or beautiful was ever created in a country, a company, in a family, or in a life without a clear picture of what it would look like." The author, life coach Gail Blanke goes on to tell the story that Walt Disney had a vision of what Walt Disney World in Florida would be like and "he had the workers built the castle first as the castle was where the magic would be and Disney seemed to think that if the designers, the engineers, and the workers had the castle to look at for inspiration, they could do all the hard stuff it would take to bring the Magic Kingdom to life."

1. Answer this question: "If absolutely anything were possible, what would I love to happen in my life, my work, my relationships?" I have a weight on the scale in mind. I have a fitter, trimmer me in mind. I have habits of a healthy person in mind. I have a peace-filled, balanced person in mind. That is my vision.
2. Build the castle: Imagine what I feel like in my "castle," what I would be doing, who would be with me. I have written down the details, even the shouts of "I did it!" and the big hug from hubby.
3. Set the date: Write down the exact day, month, and year when I will have brought my vision to life. My date is April 28, 2008.
4. Commit: "Reaching your castle is not something you're just thinking about. Make a detailed plan and follow it."

The article goes on to describe how "you'll need a detailed plan to reach your goal." The "commitment" part. Here's a method the author uses:

1. Take a blank piece of ruled paper. On the top line write your vision. Put a deadline date next to it. On the bottom line, write today's date.
2. Now ask yourself these questions: "What would have happened just before I reached my goal? What did I do right before I got there?" Write the answers on the second line, below your vision.
3. Now proceed line by line down the page, asking yourself, "And what would have happened right before that to make it possible?" Fill in the answers as you go along and keep writing until you reach today's date. Don't be tempted to start at the bottom and work your way up. It's much harder and less productive.
4. Repeat the same exercise using different answers. This will will give you more than one path to take and different options to pursue if there's a bump in the road.
5. This is your map, your plan. Follow it with boldness, joy and the anticipation that you will succeed.

I thought these steps are worthwhile repeating to myself and whoever reads this blog. It's a combination of being a visionary and yet taking it a day at a time, a step at a time.

In another magazine, I read what Bob Greene, author of The Best Life Diet has to say this: "Work toward leading a fulfilled life today. That will naturally make you want to be healthy. .... So do a little self-discovery. Look at what brings you joy and what isn't going so well. Have a life plan as opposed to a weight plan. Next figure out how active you're willing to be, and how much time you can devote to exercise. Then balance the calories - but don't deprive yourself. I've never found anyone who should be eating fewer than 1500 calories. Finally, set realistic goals, or you're bound to fail. Adjust your thinking about what's healthy for you, given your genetics. Some of the healthiest people on the planet are heavier than what we claim is ideal. Being realistic is not only important, it's empowering."

AMEN! I know that the vision/castle that I have of my weight on the scale would totally freak out some people. "Oh, my God, she weighs that much?!" Even though that weight will still be considered "overweight" in many standards, it my vision. It's my reality. I don't even remember now who in my past told me, "Perception is reality, but I have used that term many times. The way you perceive things is your reality. The way I perceive the same thing is my reality. We can't change or take away the perceptions that we each have.

I need to remember it's MY castle and it belongs to no one else! They may share the enjoying of my castle, the peace-filled, healthier me. They may share in my journey to my castle.

Five for Five

In honor of my five weeks anniversary of this PES (Peace) Project, I did five laps today in my walk! That's two and half miles and I did it in just under 50 minutes. I'm elated! I'm also sweating. There have been a day or so lately that I felt ready and able to go that extra lap, but the time clock at work beckoned. Today being Saturday, I was ready and willing to give it a go. I did it! Let the child in me celebrate!

Let me take a moment to compose myself, after writing that last sentence, I started to cry. These are tears of gratitude that my body allowed me to go two and half miles at one time, that it did not conk out on me. I have abused my body by too much eating and drinking for years, and too little exercise. Complacency.

I didn't know I could do it!

Willing

"I'm willing to believe
There's hope for me"

I like that ditty I made up this morning. The acronym HOW = Honest, Open and Willing, I have mentioned before and this morning I thought of that word, "willing."

This morning I got up an hour earlier as I had an early morning work function. Last night, hubby reminded me, or I should say stated, "You're going to walk tomorrow. You already missed one day this week." I forgot I gave him permission to keep me in line! Anyway, I went to bed early and set my alarm for an hour earlier. Woke up before the alarm and off I went walking, thankfully, it's no darker here at 4:55 than it is at 5:55. I am willing to do this because I believe that walking exercises my muscles & makes them stronger. Walking boosts my metobolism so that at the present time I can lose weight and in the future maintain a good weight. I believe in the postive aspects of walking and I'm willing to forgo an extra hour of sleep.

On a more serious matter, willingness was a major component to starting this change in my lifestyle. And once we start, we must keep the fire of willingness burning. If willingness burns out, do we lose hope? Is it vice versa? Thoughts to ponder and I'm willing to do just that.

Crazy

My alarm startled me this morning and I got up and left hubby sleeping in bed. What a crazy reversal of our lives we have had. For the almost 19 years that we've been married, he's always been the first one up and at 'em. I have always lazed in bed until I had just enough time to shower, dress and get to work on time. Even after he retired, he was often up before me. That's changed in the past month.

Within 10 minutes of being startled awake, I was out walking. For the first quarter mile, I'm thinking, "this is crazy." I was walking like a drunken sailor on sea legs. It takes my body a bit to wake up!

I am getting into a routine that I never thought I would have...... wake early, walk, think about things as I walk, cool down from the walk with a large glass of water and writing in my blog. I prefer to write in the morning while my thoughts are clear and not muddied by a day at work. Then I sit down to a healthy breakfast and read the paper with hubby (yes, he usually gets up when I return from my walk). What a crazy turn of events. Who would have thought?

Competition

On my morning walk, the street that goes around our community is half mile so on a daily basis I am doing four laps. Sometimes I see another couple out walking and sometimes an older lady. I don't usually pass anyone else so I see these people if I am going the opposite direction as they. Whenever I meet the walker(s) I try to see if I can get further than them on the next lap. The older lady is probably 15-20 years older than me and probably 100 pounds lighter than me and when I meet her, she's not even breaking a sweat. Rarely do I beat her. She looks like she's strolling along, while I feel like a steam roller (or a jet) going down the street with sweat flying off my face. Oh well, guess it's all a matter of perception.

Mainly, I compete against the clock. Some days I time my whole walk, other days I time the half mile laps. Right now, I am doing a 20 minute mile regularly. Some people would say, "that's no big deal!" But remember I'm no lightweight out there.

A friend of mine has been heavy like me for years and in June she had her stomach stapled or banded. I probably could have had that done also as I was 100 pounds over my suggested weight, but I just wanted to see if I could get healthier and fitter a different way. Anyway when I talked to her in the middle of June, she was losing weight quite rapidly and I figured out that she weighed less than me. Talk about incentive to get my butt a-going! I don't want to be the heavier one, I will gladly settle for same size and shape as she. From what I heard last night from another friend, I think we're neck-to-neck in the weight category. ;)

I compete with my clothes, tugging, pulling and stretching them on my body. I gauge some of my success by pant legs and sleeves that are loose. I even found my shoes flopping yesterday like my feet had gotten smaller. No, I'm not going out to buy a new wardrobe yet, just enjoying fitting into the clothes that I have.

Competition can be fun as long as I'm winning.

Inventory

It's end of the month, time to take inventory! It's a month ago today that I started this peace project.

P= Physical: I have lost weight, over 7% of my body weight. I am usually walking 2 miles a day. I am sleeping better, shorter time (about 5-6 hours, but with less interruptions). I have more energy. My back hurts bad most of the time.

E= Emotional: I feel better, I think mainly because I am not tired & cranky (I used to wake up almost hour-on-the-hour). I feel more grateful. I feel more balanced.

S=Spiritual: About the same as in the beginning. I don't think/feel any significant changes, but I'm willing to have them happen. But all-in-all, feeling better has lifted my spirits.

Not much of an inventory. But I'm being realistic, yet thankful for the changes I have made in my life.

Persistence

This morning on the way into church, we passed this vine seemingly growing out of the cement and out onto the driveway. The first word that came to mind was "persistence." Can you imagine that young tendril of the plant as it first came out of the ground into the crowded mass of plants?

"Momma, I'm here! Can you see me? You have so many other seedlings growing in this box, how am I supposed to move? I can't breathe!"

"Well young lady, you'll just have to make do. Everything in here is growing so fast and so big, I can't take care of all of you at once. Do the best you can, OK?"

"OK. But it's not OK, maybe I should go back where I came from... the earth. Wait a second, I see some light through that tiny hole over there, maybe if I get really close, I'll be able to get some fresh air. Awwww, that air feels good. Maybe if I just stretch a little further, I'll get more air and sunshine. Ouch! this cement and brick are sharp on my back."

"What are you doing there? You're going to hurt yourself and get stuck in that hole. Come back here, right now!"

"I can't Momma, it's too late to turn back and besides this hole is too small to try and turn back. I'm going to find out what is at the end of this tunnel. Don't worry, Momma, I'm willing to take the chance. I've already grown two inches, I'm ready for adventure."

A few weeks later...... "Wow! What a view and lots of sunshine. The rain gutter above me drips water on me now and then and I feel so vibrant. I wonder how far I can go out here? Oh, don't step on me. Yes, I am pretty, aren't I? That lady called me 'persistent,' I hope that's a good thing because I really worked hard to get through that wall and it's so worth it. Thanks for taking my picture, I hope that I can be an inspiration to you"

Fears

Today my jet just taxied down the concrete runways of my neighborhood. See yesterday's blog if you are wondering what I'm talking about.

We live less than 5 miles from the airport so the jets taking off usually go right over our neighborhood. I always look up when I'm outside to gaze at the awesomeness of something that large being in air. Of course I wonder where the travelers are going? Most flights go to Houston or Dallas first as there's only a couple of direct flights from here to Los Angles, Las Vegas and Atlanta. The second reason I look up is to make sure that the luggage compartment door has not let loose and it's "raining" suitcases or chunks of frozen waste water. I know, call me "chicken little" and the "sky is falling in." Through the years, I have seen articles or heard news about pieces coming from planes & hitting people or houses. I probably have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting hit by anything from a plane, but you never know! What if?

Some people may say I have a "fear," but I choose to call it "cautiousness." It got me thinking of what fears I do have. Like my sisters, I have a fear of snakes. I have somewhat conquered that by forcing myself to watch TV shows about them without closing my eyes. However, I DID NOT see the movie, Snakes on a Plane; that would be a little too much for me.

I have a fear of falling and a fear of drowning. I love high places where there is no real threat to falling, but get me 4 feet off the ground in a rickety ladder and I start shaking. I love the water and as long as someone is not pulling or pushing me under the water, I'm fine. These fears have been with me for years, probably precipitated by almost drowning and falling down stairs at the age of two years.

A "fear" that I have that I don't talk about with anyone is the fear of what actions I will succumb to when I lose weight and get in shape? From the age of 21 - 31 years I was quite promiscuous and I have always had this fear that if I got back to my original healthy weight of those days, that I would become that person again. I'm sure there are people reading this that would say, "No way! Unfounded fear!" Maybe? I can use all the logic that I can muster to try and forget any of my fears, but when the pedal-hits-the-metal, I am shaking. Regretfully, fears are not always logical, they are often just there. Just there to bug us now & then. Make us wonder, what if?

PUSH!

I am childless, I have never delivered a baby. But when you see a delivery on the screen, there is usually someone saying to the mother, "Push, push, harder, harder!"

I delivered my own "baby" of sorts today. I decided in my morning walk to lengthen my stride. Well, let me tell you.... after the first few steps I was a jet on the concrete runways of my neighborhood. With each longer step propelling me forward, I picked up speed and my body bend slightly forward and I was on the way! By the second lap (half-mile lap) around the neighborhood, I was feeling the burn in the muscles & the heart racing. How can a half-step or so longer use so many different muscles?

I told myself, "push, push, harder, harder!" Of course to me that meant, "let's see if I can go this pace for 3 laps, a mile and half?" Then I promised myself the fourth lap would be leisurely. I did it! By the end of three laps, my jet was flying in the air! Emotionally that is! After my fourth lap, I came in for a landing and when I parked my jet in my terminal (home), it felt damn good! :)

Today I got several compliments at work, "You can really tell you're losing weight." It must have been the outfit, but needless to say it was great to hear it. My co-workers at work know about my decision to eat better and smaller portions, and they have been keeping tabs on me. Great, the more people that I have watching over me, the more likely I am to make progress.

Those at work are not aware of the emotional and spiritual aspects of my journey. Hopefully, they will see the results in how I act and think. Any of you reading this know of these "other" aspects, but may not see the physical aspect.

I find it fascinating that no matter how open and honest someone is, you can never see all the aspects of that person. I grew up with Father Knows Best on TV and turmoil at home due my parent's rocky marriage (alcoholism). So I grew up with nary a clue on how a normal, mainstream relationship, much less marriage, worked. I had this pie-in-the-sky thought that when I connected with someone, we would know everything about each other.

But when my hubby-to-be and I decided to live together as our relationship deepened, I remember "waking" up one day to realize that no matter how much we loved each other or talked, I could not know what he was truly thinking unless he chose to tell me. It was like "Wow! He can be thinking of some other woman and I won't even know it. " Then I realized that the same could be true for me.

We all go through life with bits and pieces of our feelings, actions and thoughts scattered in various places with various people. Scattering seeds of ourselves - some seeds grow weeds, other seeds grow food or grow flowers. Some of our seeds are left especially for someone or someplace in our life. Some of our seeds are dropped on someone without care.

"We reap what we sow." The words I leave on this page may help or hurt someone, I must be careful. I must be full of care for others and for myself. Have a peace-filled weekend.

Dedication

This morning I walked outside in the dark and discovered it was raining. I was all prepared for my walk, so I thought boastfully, "Dedication!" By the time I made one lap around the neighborhood, I was wet, but figured that I might as well move forward. I came in the house 30 minutes later looking like a big, old drenched rat.

Dedication and discipline are two words that have never been associated with me in my life. Except for my marriage of almost 19 years, but that's only because he's too good to give up on! :) I give up easily, there is no doubt. Perseverance is a word that I "hate." As I have mentioned before, "it's not fair." So on and so forth, my life has gone on with many start and stops, start and stops.

I have heard that "30 days makes a habit" in reference to doing something for 30 days and a habit is made. Not! In my life it has not been that way, ever. I am nearing my 30 days (next Monday) and I am somewhat nervous about whether I will go forward and persevere or give up and "stay" at my current status.

Let's hope that an "old dog" like me can learn some new tricks. Tricks called dedication and discipline! I'd like to forget that old dog command of "stay."

Wealthy Woman

More quotes from reading.... Adapted from Suze Orman's book, Women & Money: Owning the Power to Control Your Destiny.

"Besides money, a wealthy woman has some qualities that serve as guideposts to make sure she's always walking toward wealth rather than away from it.
Harmony and Balance: Harmony is the agreement between what you think, say, and do. Balance is the state of stability in which you're able to make sound judgments that will enhance your financial security. Aligning you thoughts, words, and actions will put you on a path to balance - and emotional and financial well-being.
Wisdom and Courage: The ability to make (not just think about) sensible decisions that respect your needs takes wisdom, the voice of experience that's inside each woman. Courage, the catalyst that creates harmony by uniting our thoughts with our actions, is what lets us assert our opinions confidently.
Generosity and Happiness: True generosity must benefit both parties. No woman can control her destiny if she doesn't give to herself as much as she gives of herself. Happiness manifests itself through generosity.
Cleanliness and Beauty: Removing clutter and chaos from our lives brings clarity, which makes it easier to achieve what we want. From emptying closets of unused stuff to streamlining your wallet, cleanliness is a sign that you're in control. And by bringing the first seven qualities into your life, you feel beautiful.
When you commit to finding harmony and balance, you have the courage to make decisions that are as generous to you as they are to others. This leads to deep, unwavering happiness and brings beauty into your life."

Good principles to live by and live for! I think of harmony and balance when I think of this peace project, balancing the physical, emotional and spiritual so that one or another is not less than the other. If I were to put each of these into a box and then put them on a teeter-totter, I may find that the Emotional box is very heavy and makes my teeter-totter out of balance. My thoughts are that when the three are quite equal, my teeter-totter will balance and I will feel harmony in my life. It's quite a goal.

Quotes and Prayer

Today, I would like to share some quotes that I have found in the past few days readings.

Oprah in her O magazine: ".... recognize that no one is responsible for your life but you. That you're creating your current and future reality thought by thought. And that what you give your attention to only gets bigger and manifests itself in the world. So try to live a life focusing on what's good and what you're grateful for, in order to have more goodness. This doesn't mean you're in control of everything, or that only good is going to come. Bad stuff still happens. Other people are working out their own energies, and sometimes those energies are destructive. ..... But the wonder of life is that even in despair, when things seem hopeless, you still get to choose who you want to be and how to respond...... Every day the path to your own spirituality starts with clarifying who you are and what you want. Not just things - things are easy. I mean the stuff that really matters. Life isn't just about what you can have; it's about what you have to give. What kind of person do you want to be? Start asking these questions and thinking about the bigger picture - why you're here, why the world needs what you have to offer."

Another quote, "A man asks a rabbi, 'Why does God write the law on our heart? Why not in our heart? It's the inside of the heart that needs God.' The rabbi answered, 'God never forces anything into a human heart. He writes the word on our hearts so that when our hearts break, God falls in.'"

A couple of weeks back I shared about my questioning why we should pray, if God does not answer everyone's prayers. The above quotes got me thinking about "bad stuff" & people's destructive actions and how we can choose how we will respond to this. Also, God does not force us to believe, but is there in our despair.

The other night I said a prayer for two of my sisters. One is a sister by blood and the other is a "sister" by bonding. They are each suffering pain and despair due to the man in her life. I readily admitted in my prayer that "I don't know if this is being heard or being paid attention, but please help ...... " I had felt so helpless for my sisters being so far away from them, that I couldn't give a hug or a shoulder to cry on. But when I finished my prayer, I did feel hope. Hope that there is a bigger being, bigger spirit, a bigger whatever-out-there that could comfort and help my sisters, even if I could not help them.

Oprah asks, "what kind of person do you want to be?" I am a adventurous, introspective child that's gotten older. How can a adventurous and introspective person give to the world?

True to Self

Before you read this additional blog of mine today, I encourage you to read the comment from Diana in today's earlier blog (Walk & Wall). She has a wealth of good common sense information. My sister, Robyn's blog is also located on the right side of this page, take a look at today's entry and my comment to her, if you have time.

Both Diana's comments and Robyn's blog got me to thinking more, therefore writing more!

True to self..... Find that inner child.... They say that a person's personality is formed by the age of five. Do you remember what you did, what you liked, how you expressed yourself? I have helped some of my sister's put together picture boards for their kid's high school graduation. It's evident so early in life what these kids would grow up to be and to enjoy. Zach on a rocking horse and wearing an over-sized cowboy hat is now a grown-up cowboy, training horses and being a farrier. Tim was adventuresome, climbing up into the upper shelves of the cupboards and loved his bicycle, became a good motor-bike racer and does construction work in some high buildings. Beth was always taking care of everyone, even her older siblings and cousins. She just graduated with a degree in social work.

There is a picture of me at about two years old, I have sunglasses on, carrying a camera in one hand and suitcase in the other. Who would have thought that I love the warm, sunny weather of Texas and that I love to travel and take photos? Go figure!

My sister, Robyn's blog is about the light side of life..... she is very good at expressing things that happen in her and her family's lives. It's so wonderful to see her coming back to the person she was as a young child, the person that would make others laugh and be so happy-go-lucky. As I said in my comment to her blog today, "regretfully, so many of us try to lose that personality (that's set by age 5) as we grow older by the choices we make."

I have always been a deep thinker, introspective about feelings & thoughts. I have taken lots of course work in sociology and psychology and loved it. Over the years I have written lots of stuff like the stuff I've put in my blogs. Nobody has really told me if I was a "deep thinker" as a child, but they have told me that I was always on the go. I wanted to go my way, quite often the opposite of where the others (adults) were going. My sense of adventure began early. :)

This blog, this course in my life is an adventure. It's exciting to be writing about it. Who knows where it's going.... but it's going somewhere..... possibly even the opposite of where other adults are going! Want to hitch a ride?

Walking & Walls

I have an aptitude for accounting. I like to figure out how much of this and that. I know that I have two routes to work. One is 9.8 miles & takes me 15 minutes from garage to parking lot. The other route is 12.1 miles and takes approximately 20-25 minutes. I usually take the shorter, faster route, but last night I took the "scenic" (i.e. longer, slower) route to go home. I work in a five-story hospital that you can see from the nearest intersection on the scenic route and of course I have clocked-it so I know that is 2 miles.

When I got to the intersection last night, I thought "that was 2 miles." I looked behind me and my hospital looked soooooo distant. "Oh, my gosh! That's how far I walked this morning." Two miles! If someone would have told me a month ago that I would walk the distance from the hospital to that intersection at one time and in less than an hour I would have said they were crazy!

The body is really quite remarkable. The fact that it keeps us alive when we feed it high calorie, low nutritional food is remarkable. The fact that it can go from being sluggish and being short of breath going across that parking lot to walking two miles in 40 minutes is remarkable. And all within three weeks.

A couple of days ago in my blog I mentioned how I have gotten in and out of the habit of walking quite regularly. Yesterday I told my boss that I have started walking in the mornings. She had previously told me that she runs every morning before work, so I was quite surprised when she said, "I have not run for 2 weeks." Long hours at work and the stress of a major project (that thankfully I don't have to be a part) has caused her to miss her running. I suddenly felt sorry for her as I know she had expressed joy in running. Yes, it is so easy to slip back into habits that may not kill us, but certainly aren't the best. Yes, our bodies are remarkable and resilient to our habits and actions. Sometimes.

"You deserve a break today." Isn't that slogan for some company? Well, I tell myself that very often, especially when I have made some accomplishments or suffered some stress. I have made accomplishments in the past three weeks, walking, losing weight, eating smaller portions, eating healthier foods, and expressing myself. This is the point where I hit the wall! Not the wall of pain but the wall of .... I have lost weight, I deserve a treat.... I walked two miles yesterday, I deserve a morning off.... My clothes are looser (never mind that they are size 20-22!), I deserve... I deserve.... I deserve. Get the picture. In my past and in my present, this is where I have to work at fighting complacency. Complacency: A feeling of contentment or satisfaction; gratification. Self satisfaction, smugness. Yes, I think I will definitely call it the "wall of complacency."

That wall (another W word) has been my un-doing on more than one (more likely one hundred) occasions. This week was tough for me. Hubby was in California visiting daughter & grand kids and I had the house to myself. I get to eat what I want! I made some good choices and some not so good choices in food and drink. However, I did walk every day.

Complacency is a feeling, an emotion. So as I said in the beginning, this project is not just about the physical aspects of healthy living, it's the emotions and the spiritual too. Right now, the emotions need to be .... I don't know... maybe expressed is the best word. Emotions need to be expressed.

Last night I was having dinner with someone that reads my blog and she said, "I sometimes feel like a voyeur." I looked up the word to be sure I was spelling it correctly and the definition was 1. Somebody who watches for sexual pleasure. 2. persistent observation of misery or scandal. I think the second one is more in line with being a voyeur of this blog, right? :)

Her comment made me start thinking about openness and honesty. Didn't Popeye used to say, "I am what I am"? I just remember that saying from my past. Sometimes I do better at living my life that way and other times I like to hide my thoughts and feelings.

When I was designing this house that we live in, I read that you need to decide what you want that house to say about you. Looking at my house plan, I knew that my living room would be in the center of the house and almost the full width of the house. Therefore windows are in the north and south walls of the house and from the outside, you can see straight through the house. What you see is what you get. My hubby and I decided that we were willing to risk openness to have views of the front and back yards of our property. We love it! But our house would not work for everyone, just like doing a blog would not work for everyone.

I have quoted another reader that says she's following a HOW plan, Honest, Open and Willing. Doing a blog involves openness and willingness. Honesty is up to the writer. Doing this blog frees me to express my feelings, actions and thoughts. It frees me of FAT! Feelings, Actions, Thoughts. Another new acronym to ponder.

Oh, well, I guess this is a slow blog day. Just chit-chatting into your life, my life! Have a great Friday. TGIF :)

Motivation

A lot of people buy magazines that front cover lists articles upon articles, months after months of ways to lose pounds and inches. Yes, I have bought them too. Some of the more serious articles have mentioned that even losing 10 percent of your body weight is a vast improvement on your health. I like that figure, it's a attainable!

In fact, today is Wednesday and that means weigh-in day. No, I have not cheated and looked at the scale in the last week, although tempting! I have lost 5 percent of my body weight, I'm halfway there, to 10 percent that is! I know that I need to lose 30 percent, but I'm breaking it into portions. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and motivation to keep on going.

Roads

I'm an emotional eater. When my emotions are even-keeled or on top of the mountain, it's easy to eat what I need. But when I fall down that valley, I struggle to climb my way out. It's probably not a "valley" as much as it is a ditch. You know, those engravings in the earth along our roadways that catch the rain water, garbage from cars, and grow weeds. When I get in a funky mood like Sunday, it feels like I have fallen into one of those ditches, yuck!

Surprisingly, sometimes all it takes for me to get out of that ditch is get up on the roadway or have someone pull me out of the ditch to the road. Hubby did that for me on Sunday. He said, "OK, get in the car, we're going for a ride." :) I'm smiling just thinking of it! We got in the car, took a Texas map & went over to a small fishing village on the Gulf coast that I had not visited. We have this fun saying that gets my adrenaline going, not sure about hubby's but he seems to enjoy it. "New road, new road!" That means we're on a roadway that we have not been on before. We enjoy seeing the countryside and what it has to offer. Sometimes it's sagebrush and cactus, other times it is fields of sugar cane and now and then we see cattle. We even saw a barn that resembled a Midwestern-style barn, painted red and gambrel roof.

I have a self-proclaimed theme song, "On the road again" by Willie Nelson. It's been my favorite for years. I enjoy traveling the roads in a car and recently I have taken to the "roads" on foot, in my walking shoes! It's a different kind of traveling. It's hot and sweaty versus sitting in an air-conditioned car. It's moving down the road using my own fuel and energy. I have done my stints at walking before with moderate success. However, I fall out of the habit very easily and then it's months or years before I start walking regularly again. There's a saying that is often tagged onto me, "No moss grows under your feet," a tribute to my many moves around the country. However, I have allowed "moss" to grow under my feet by being a couch-potato! That "moss" has added poundage to my body and caused muscles to atrophy, both conditions of which I no longer want, much less need.

What roads is this project taking me down? What hills, valleys, curves, ditches will I encounter along the way? How many others will I meet on the roads?

I'm an emotional eater. When my emotions are even-keeled or on top of the mountain, it's easy to eat what I need. But when I fall down that valley, I struggle to climb my way out. It's probably not a "valley" as much as it is a ditch. You know, those engravings in the earth along our roadways that catch the rain water, garbage from cars, and grow weeds. When I get in a funky mood like Sunday, it feels like I have fallen into one of those ditches, yuck!

Surprisingly, all it takes for me to get out of that ditch is get up on the roadway or have someone pull me out of the ditch to the road. Hubby did that for me on Sunday. He said, "OK, get in the car, we're going for a ride." :) I'm smiling just thinking of it! We got in the car, took a Texas map & went over to a small fishing village on the Gulf coast that I had not visited. We have this fun saying that gets my adrenal going, not sure about hubby's but he seems to enjoy it. "New road, new road!" That means we're on a roadway that we have not been on before. We enjoy seeing the countryside and what it has to offer. Sometimes it's sagebrush and cactus, other times it fields of sugar cane and now and then we see cattle. We even saw a barn that resembled a Midwestern-style barn, painted red and gambrel roof.

Carefree?

"There is far more to your inner life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the the care of God. And you count far more." Luke 12:23-23 MSG

This is the quote for the day from my calender. It is a reminder to me that this "project" is so much more than the physical stuff... it's emotional and spiritual too. Emotionally, I'm kind of "down" today. I laid in bed this morning imagining what I was going to do with the lucky lottery winnings I was supposed to win last night, the lucky day 07-07-2007! The first thing I would do is quit my job! Don't get me wrong, it's not that I hate my job or anything like that, in fact I have a very good job. I'm just tired. Tired of managing people, tired of Medicare & all their rules. I really want to stay home with my husband; travel; take photos; see more of the world and visit with family and friends. "..... not tied down to a job description"

It does not help me that so many of our friends are my husband's age and retired. Plus, we live in an over 55 community of many retired people and I feel like the odd-one-out, going to work each day. Jealous, you betcha! Tired and jealous... what a combination for a depressing mood. How can I feel "... carefree in the care of God" again?

Beauty

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" is an old quote.

Gary Zukav, writes in Soul Stories, "A Navajo prayer says, 'Beauty above me, Beauty below me, Beauty in front of me. Beauty behind me. All around me Beauty.' This is very different from the way that most people see. Most people think that some of their experiences are more beautiful than others, and that some people are more special than others. Which way is real?"

Yes, what is beauty? What is real beauty? Is "beauty" only a visual thing as most people seem to think?

Each morning on my walk and especially when I walk on the weekends as it's lighter and brighter outside (I walk later in morning), I am struck by the beauty of my neighborhood. Some people may see a dated, eighties-looking neighborhood. But I see the flowers and trees and different kinds of grasses in the lawns. I see bricks of all different shades and colors on the neighborhood houses. I see the sun hitting a house for the first time this day and the home glows. I also hear the birds and the planes lifting off people to far-away places. I feel the humidity of the air and I know that moisture helps our plants to grow. Some days there is a beautiful morning breeze.

It is so easy to use the word beautiful to describe something we can't see..... breeze. Yet we feel the breeze, we may smell what scents the breeze carries, we see the effects of the breeze as it blows through the palms and their leaves sway.

Is beauty only what's outside and all around us? Is beauty something we are? Is beauty something we can be? Is beauty inside of us? I don't feel beautiful, at least not in the physical sense. Does that make me un-beautiful? Does that mean that I'm not a beautiful person? Does that mean that I don't have a beautiful soul?

I can not deny that part of my reasoning for embarking on this project was to change my physical appearance. I think my stomach is too big and protruding for any description of beauty. Yet I don't think that artists in the past were painting what we call Rubensque art, to be cartoon-ish, to make fun of these women. Oh, it's so easy to get wrapped-up in a worldly, physical sense of beauty.

Physically, emotionally and spiritually, I want to explore this subject more. I am going to have a beautiful day!

Take a Break

Break .... a temporary stop in the action. Yesterday was take-a-break day! I awoke to thunderstorm overhead, so no walking for me. It was back to bed for awhile., which felt good as my shins were hurting. Yesterday afternoon I hit my first major obstacle in this journey, a craving. I wanted chocolate bad! I talked myself into vanilla diet Coke and that helped.

Last night, we had dinner at home so that I would not be tempted by the ballpark food. At the baseball park it was Thirsty Thursday so all the glasses of beer were $1.00. It didn't take long for the alcohol to take effect.... i.e. lose my inhibitions. My food plan "inhibiitons" went over-the-wall, so to speak in baseball terms. I wanted everything, especially pizza! After 4 beers, I was really ready for pizza & then popcorn was a close second choice. So I went to the line of people waiting for food. As I got about 10 people from the head of the line, the clerk shouted, "No more pizza!" Ugh! I waited too long, now what? Everything else on the menu sounded like food that I did not want to waste my calories on as I had my heart set on a slice of pizza. REALLY, I only wanted a slice!

Well, since my second choice was popcorn I headed out to find that concession stand. That stand had 30 people waiting in line. No go! Went to another food stand, drolled over the nachos, too much food. There too nothing seemed good enough to waste my calories, so I got another beer for hubby & I. That's five beers & the game is not even half over! Mind you, the top of the long first inning had the visiting team earning nine runs as the home-town pitcher really struggled and the outfielders looked like the Bad News Bears!

But enough is enough! We both quit the beers after that & waited for the game to be over for the fireworks (rained out from July 4th). We got home about 11:30 and I made myself a mini-bag of 100 calorie popcorn. Umm-good!

My calorie count was high yesterday & I did not exercise. I took a break. I did not go to bed last night feeling guilty and I realized I did make some good choices.... rather than just buying any kind of food when the pizza was gone.... I chose nothing... except beer. Maybe not the wisest choice, but I survived and today is a new day. The break is over and it's back to the action plan.

I had been going at a frenzied pace since I started this about 13 days ago. It was time to take a break. Now I am back to "work." I feel renewed and realizing that this is life-long commitment, I am ready for the next step of the project.

Independence Day

Independence.... Freedom.... Freedom of Choices









Today is an American holiday. For many it's a day off work, not me. But that's my choice. I choose to save my PTO (Paid Time Off) for later vacations and trips. I will tackle the overload of paperwork on my desk for a few hours & then head home for an evening of baseball & fireworks. Choices, we have so many. Political, geographical (where we live), professional, religious, and the list goes on and on. We are so fortunate.

My freedom of choices in the past 12 days have resulted in some "miracles" for me. I have expressed myself emotionally and opened up about spiritual thoughts. Physically, I have given up excess poundage and went from no exercise to walking two miles today. No matter what choice we make on any playing field, be it professional or physical, we get results or consequences. Yet so many people seem to think they have no choices in their lives. Every step we take involves a choice. Of course so many of those steps have been ingrained in us for years, that we don't even realize that we are making choices, but we are! If I take a minute to ponder on this.... the magnitude of our freedom to make choices as a citizen, worker, resident, and most importantly as a human being, it is just awesome!

Enjoy your freedoms today! Enjoy the opportunity to make choices! Enjoy your day!

P.S. Flag picture taken on a tourist paddle boat while cruising on the St. Croix River between Minnesota and Wisconsin, two places I have chosen to live in my life.

New

This morning I had a dream that I was helping a woman give birth to her child. After she gave birth, I was looking at the baby and the mother got up and left. I asked, "Where did she go?" The other person in my dream said, "I don't know, she's gone." Then I awoke.

Dream analysts would say I was witnessing a new life, a birth of something, a change. It is symbolic of my life changes. My changes could be why I dreamed this dream or it could be the ad I saw for the hospital where I work that we deliver 3000 babies in a year or it could be the un-earthing of my secret spiritual doubts that I shared in this blog last night.

After I posted my blog, I felt rather unraveled. What will people think? This act of revealing my thoughts and feelings is unraveling. Yet I hope it unravels the ropes that I have tied myself with for all these years. Joan, a friend, shared with me that she is living by the acronym HOW - Honest, Open, Willing. I like that! How am I going to spend today? By being honest, open and willing, that's how!

Spiritual

As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog project, the "S" in "pes" stands for spiritual.

Since it is Sunday today, the day that most of the western world recognizes as a "go to church" day, I thought I would share a little about what I think spirituality is .... or is not. This aspect of my lifestyle change and balancing my life may be the more difficult than others may think or realize.

Yes, I go to church most Sundays, but why? To be truthful & this is being very honest, I don't know why? That is tough to say "aloud." Tough to admit when some people think I'm a church-going, God-filled Christian. Tough to admit when there was a time in my past that going to church fulfilled me and I did feel close to God. Call me a "doubting Thomas," but some things have changed for me and other things have not. It's not the church I go to, it's me.

I think some of my doubts started about 2 years ago when my nephew Matthew went to Iraq as a Marine. Our family knew that he was specially trained for some heavy-duty fighting and battles. We passed emails around about praying for him as most families and friends do. And I'm sure that there were hundreds of people praying for Matt, including myself. We were no different than thousands of other families and friends praying for their service-people in Iraq. Yet why did God answer our prayers for Matt's safety when other families' prays went unanswered and then they had to pray for strength to get through a funeral? It really hit me in the throat. It cut off my air. It brought tears to my eyes. Why? Why?

Recently, I remember reading or hearing somewhere that prayer is not for God sake, it's for our sake. Is prayer just a way for us to feel useful? In other words, I could not be in Iraq to protect Matthew, yet I could pray for his protection. So I was doing "something." Is it that God really doesn't answer prayer? In other words, I am just petitioning for what I want/need. I don't know, and maybe I will never know. But I keep going back to church thinking that someday a piece of enlightenment will occur.

My morning walks are a good time to ponder and let my thoughts ramble. Today, I was wondering what my blog subject would be? I thought of "spirituality," yet I was not sure if I was ready to be as honest as I have been. So I went to church and the last hymn was a song I have no recollection of ever singing before. The first stanza is....

"If you but trust in God to guide you
And place your confidence in him
You'll find him always there beside you
To give you hope and strength within
For those who trust God's changeless love
Build on the rock that will not move"

Hmmmmm. Certainly gives me food for thought! God, as I choose to understand him, will not change. He will not move. It will be my decision if I want to change and move closer to him.

Then I grabbed a book to read this afternoon and I picked "Soul Stories" by Gary Zukav. He briefly wrote about Victor/Viktor Frankl, a famous psychotherapist that I remember studying in college. I did not remember that Victor was in a concentration camp, but here is a quote from Gary's book.

"One morning his (Victor) work party was stumbing down a rocky road in the dark. In the icy wind, while the guards were shouting and hitting them with rifle butts, Victor realized something that changed his life. He realized that his highest goal--- the 'ultimate goal' --- he could reach for was love! Victor did not become a victim. He did not hate his persecutors and belittle himself. He did not say, 'Why me?' or 'This is unfair.' When you say those things you have no power. Victor stepped into the greatness of his soul. Instead of making himself into someone who hates, vows revenge, or collapses in humiliation, he made himself a hero who strives to love no matter what."

That part about "why me?" and it's "not fair" really hit home with me, I have used those phrases a hundred times, if not a thousand. I had never thought of me saying these phrases as basically rendering myself powerless. More food for thought!

It's been an educational Sunday, a day of rest!