Cry

I cried. I ended yesterday's blog with admission that I cried. I ended it that way, not to evoke sympathy. I ended it that way to acknowledge that I am human. Sometimes, I have to remind even myself of that fact. I seldom cry and yesterday's cry was nothing more than some tears coming down my face to mix with the sweat and a couple of gasps (or grasps) for breath. It was over almost before it started. It was nothing more than that in the physical sense, but something more in the spiritual sense. Note: I did not write emotional sense, I wrote spiritual.

It was a cry of sadness, it was a cry of resignation, it was a cry of desperation. I am not sure what it all signifies. Perhaps humility or humbleness. Perhaps a realization of aspects of me that I'm not proud. Perhaps none of the above.

I have a goal in mind of a weight on the scale that I think will be indicative of healthy and fit "Rayna." It's a hefty goal in the aspect that it will entail losing 30% of my starting body weight.

I am a thinker and a reader. I think a lot, therefore I am sometimes a creative writer, sometimes not. But I have noticed that I am thinking about this lifestyle change and weight loss change .... way too much! It invades my thoughts & space way too much. I awake in the morning and I'm immediately wondering how I will do today with my changes, with my food intake, with my weight. Granted, I should be thinking MORE before I eat spontaneously, in order to make wiser food choices. But other times, I do need to relax and not think. I need to be able to give my body and mind a rest from thinking. I'm trying so hard, it's exhausting at the same time as it's exhilarating.

This blog is a creative outlet for me to express my thoughts and feelings. However, one thought begot another thought. Before I know it, my head is swimming in thoughts that I think that I have to get out on paper (in the computer). It's a release to write, because I get my thoughts out, I can relax and go on with my day. Or as in today's case, I can go back to bed to catch some more sleep-eye. Part of me thinks that I should stop this blog as the more I blog, the more I think and as I wrote earlier, thinking is exhausting. Part of me.... needs to stop rambling and ................ PEACE be with you!