Black-Out

This is one of several pictures that I took inside the Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico. Some show a hint of something in it, some photos you can actually see what the rock formation looks like and then there are photos like this. A total black-out!


A black-out blocks out all vision or sight of what's before us and around us. A physical black-out blocks out all remembrance of what's happened to us. Alcoholics and other heavy drinkers may experience black-outs, where all memory of what has happened for minutes, hours or even days is gone. Their memories are as black and blank as this photo.


I had a "black-out" today. Thank goodness it was not related to drinking, however it was scary. I started to keep a journal of what I am eating, how I am feeling and what I am thinking as I eat. It gives me a tool to really see what I am eating, how much I am eating and why. Today, after a meeting there were brownies for employees to take. I "automatically" went and grabbed one. I use the word automatically because, I did not think about it, I just did it. As I walking back to my office with this brownie, I looked at it and thought, "I wasn't hungry, I don't need this. But I want this, as brownies with nuts are one of my favorite sweets." So I got to my office and quickly wrote my thoughts on paper at 11:00 am. At 11:22 am I took my first bite of the brownie. At 1:10 pm I took my second bite of the brownie. I went to work on a major project on the computer, then went to a couple of my staff offices. At about 1:45 pm, on the way back to my office, I thought, I'll have the rest of that brownie now.


When I got back to my desk, I couldn't find that brownie anywhere on my desk. You may laugh, but I did have to move several piles of papers to see if it got stuck under them. I finally looked in the waste basket and saw the empty plate and not a crumb of brownie to be seen. I sat down and truly felt shocked, maybe even scared. "When did I eat that last half of the brownie? How much am I on automatic-pilot that I'm not even aware of the food that I'm eating?" And I wonder how I have gained weight when I can't even remember eating? Yes, I ate that brownie basically in a black-out, no recollection of even thinking of having that last half of brownie.


Nah, my food is not unmanageable! Ha! What a rude awakening. Maybe this is what in 12 Step programs they call a wake-up call. 10-4, another message received from somewhere.... telling me I have a problem with food. Right now, I'm not going to beat myself up about it, I'm just thankful for awareness and tools to use. I don't want to share another black-out photo or story with you again.