Memories

Yesterday, my sister lost a dear friend to cancer. She wrote in her blog about the "hole in her heart" due to the loss. I have been so fortunate to have NOT lost anyone extremely close to me. Both of my parents are alive. Even though their loss was felt, my grandparents died at an elderly age. In response to my sister's writing, Mrs. Rahn, someone I don't know, commented on her blog and I share this profound wisdom today with you.

"Although the hole doesn't completely disappear, it gets smaller and begins to serve as a well of memories instead of heartache and tears."

Wow! I really like that! The above picture is one of my favorites as the flower has the shadow on it and it has a mystery about it. Flowers also serve as wells for moisture, bugs, bees, ants and pollen. Flowers symbolize many memories for me, thankfully, no heartache and tears. I pray that your day today was one of memories.

Grand

The Grand Tetons. I will never forget seeing them for the first time last September. The mountains just pop out of the earth in a string of spectacular grandeur. The lake in front of them only makes it more picturesque. I wish we could have spent more than a day there, as it was at the end of our trip. Some days, actually many days, I wish for retirement so that in our travels we could spend an extra day or two someplace that interests us. But with the way the market is going downhill, it will be awhile before I can retire AND have money to spend traveling. Until then, I guess I'll just look at pictures like this and dream.

Walk a Mile in Their Shoe(s)

The pictures show a child's plastic shoe made to look like a car. Ironically, I saw the shoe at a gas station that we stopped at in New Mexico. It probably fell out of a car as Mom or Dad opened the door to give their child a treat they bought in the station's store. It caught my eye because of the bright color, but also because of it's loneliness. There were no other cars at the station, but for ours and this little car. It almost appeared to be waiting to be filled up. Oh, the stories that shoe could tell. If I could, I would have slipped on that shoe and "walked" a mile in that shoe and have it tell me who it belonged to? Will the child cry when they discover their shoe is missing? Will Mom or Dad be mad or consoling? So many stories.

Six months ago I participated in the Walk to Emmaus. It was a spiritually moving and spiritually fulfilling weekend. One of my neighbors participated in the Walk this weekend. Since I have "walked" in her shoes, I wondered how her story would be the same and/or different than mine. Every one's experience could be similar or it could be vastly different. Years ago, a wise boss told me, "Perception is reality." It's been so helpful to often remember that phrase. I knew that no matter what my friend's perception of the Walk, I could pray for her to gain some insight for herself.

Speaking of walking, hubby and I started walking on Monday and have done so each morning. We started with a one mile walk and on Saturday, I did one and half miles. After months of not walking and gaining back almost every pound I lost last year, I was pleasantly surprised how easy it was to do a mile the first day and an extra half mile by the end of the first week. I know there are people reading this, that know that they too can "walk a mile in my shoes," as they have been on the roller-coaster ride of weight loss and gain. I could write and say, "I hope that this time I keep on walking." But, I can only take care of today. I have walked "miles" in my dreams, yet my plans fizzle out quickly. Therefore, it's today I will focus on, as tomorrow may never come and if it does, then it will be "today"!

Busy as Bees

Happy Bosses Day! Oops, did you forget like I did? I saw another boss getting a gift from her staff this morning and I said, "Bosses Day? Oh-oh, I forgot." Luckily the stores still had some decent cards and a favorite restaurant sells gift cards, so my boss was not forgotten.


Contrary to what I said yesterday, my staff must think I'm better than a piranha as they gave me a huge basket full of treats and really nice stuff like a bracelet, dove figurine and a beautiful mug. They must have been busy as bees getting their money together for that gift. I have a great group of people to work with and the majority give 110% to their jobs. Our jobs keeps all of very busy and I am thankful that I can say I'm happy on Bosses Day. Blessings to you too!


Speaking of blessings, my sister sent me an email to remind me that 53 years ago today, I was baptized in the Christian faith. I was four and my two sisters were 1+ years and the other was five months. We were baptized together, at the prompting of my paternal grandmother. At that time my father was a back-sliding Christian and my mother and her family never went to church except for funerals. So Grandma must have convinced our parents to have us baptized. I can still remember the picture-taking episode afterward.



Even though it was October, it was a warm day and the sun was beating down. The adults decided to prop the three of us on top of the car hood to take a picture. Back in those days, having a car was still pretty darn special. So any chance they got to have their car in the picture, so much more the better. Well, the afternoon sun had turned that dark green car into a heat magnet. They sat us on the car and it burned our legs. My sister that was a little over a year old started crying and the adults could not figure out why? They thought she was scared being up so high on the car, so they kept re-adjusting her. All I can vaguely remember is thinking, "Let's get this picture-taking stuff over with so we can get OFF this car!" I think the infamous picture shows me frowning and my sister crying. Happy Baptism Day! Fire and water, how appropriate.

Piranha

Piranha. What a beautiful fish with an ugly personality! A flesh-eating freshwater fish! What made me choose this picture tonight? I told myself I'd pick the first picture that interested me and then I'd write. Hmmmm? Is my "personality" ugly or am I a "flesh-eating" person? Some people may say I'm "flesh-eating" since in my less than two years at this job, I have involuntarily terminated (politically correct words for "fired") two staff and forced two others to resign or get fired! It is certainly not the most pleasant part of my job, in fact it's tough. I am one of these people that always fears the worse.... getting fired. I came close at one job, but got a written warning instead. No matter how well people may say I'm doing at my job, I still have my doubts. I have my fears. My husband says I lack self-confidence, yet I don't always show it. I wish I had the thick skin of the piranha. Although some of the bulges on the piranha look like my face... on a good day. :) Oh well, self-degradation is a family fault that I also inherited.

Fire

Fire, it can be warming, comforting, mesmerizing, threatening, killing and dying. The fire above is of a lakeside campfire. It provides warmth and entertainment on a cool October night. Unattended this fire will either go out of control and possible threaten people or habitat or it will die down to chunks of burnt wood.

Hubby and I saw the movie "Fireproof" today. It's movie about marriage and relationships between people. More importantly it's a movie about the relationship between God and people. There are many people that think that their relationships with other people (including spouses) is "fireproof," nothing can endanger it. However, a fireproof marriage (or any other type of relationship) does not mean that it will never have to withstand the onslaught of a fire. Being fireproof means it will be able to withstand damage from a fire. Fires come in all sorts of ways. Fire may be lust, greed, neglect, abuse, drugs, just to name a few.

How fireproof are your relationships? Can your relationships withstand damage from a fire? God gives us the strength to become the type of person that will build a fireproof relationship. He is our hope and our salvation.

Missing the Action

Look there's a bird in the bird bath!


I whip my head around and there it is splashing up a storm. The bright morning sun makes the bird a mere shadow on the landscape. The bird is ferociously splashing that water and the water droplets make a glistening fountain. It's an awesome picture, isn't it? Something you'd see on a calendar.


Go get the camera!


I run to the office to get my camera and thoughts are going a hundred-miles-an-hour through my brain.


By the time I get back to the door, the bird will be gone!


Why don't I just stand at the door and watch it?


Here I am missing another wonderful scene!


I hope I have that picture in my mind because I probably won't get a real photo.


Well, that's all right. I mean all that I thought was right. The bird was gone and I stood at the door for five minutes with my camera posed until my arm and hands went numb. Therefore, no photo for you today. Can you see the picture in my mind? I hope so, it was quite the scene. :)

Land of Enchantment

New Mexico, the land of enchantment. How about some colorful photo after yesterday's dreary and darkening blog? These colors are awesome and so is the state of New Mexico. My friend told me after our last visit there that the un-official motto of New Mexico is Land of Entrapment. That is because people keep coming back to visit and before they know it they want to live there. My first visit to New Mexico was 28 years ago and then a few visits in the past 10-12 years since Hubby's sister moved there. The last visit to New Mexico was in May and we drove through a small portion of it (it's the fifth largest state in USA). Anyway, after we got home, I have thought of New Mexico quite often and gazing at pictures like this certainly tug at my heart strings. Land of Enchantment. Land of Entrapment. Either way, it's OK.

Black-Out

This is one of several pictures that I took inside the Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico. Some show a hint of something in it, some photos you can actually see what the rock formation looks like and then there are photos like this. A total black-out!


A black-out blocks out all vision or sight of what's before us and around us. A physical black-out blocks out all remembrance of what's happened to us. Alcoholics and other heavy drinkers may experience black-outs, where all memory of what has happened for minutes, hours or even days is gone. Their memories are as black and blank as this photo.


I had a "black-out" today. Thank goodness it was not related to drinking, however it was scary. I started to keep a journal of what I am eating, how I am feeling and what I am thinking as I eat. It gives me a tool to really see what I am eating, how much I am eating and why. Today, after a meeting there were brownies for employees to take. I "automatically" went and grabbed one. I use the word automatically because, I did not think about it, I just did it. As I walking back to my office with this brownie, I looked at it and thought, "I wasn't hungry, I don't need this. But I want this, as brownies with nuts are one of my favorite sweets." So I got to my office and quickly wrote my thoughts on paper at 11:00 am. At 11:22 am I took my first bite of the brownie. At 1:10 pm I took my second bite of the brownie. I went to work on a major project on the computer, then went to a couple of my staff offices. At about 1:45 pm, on the way back to my office, I thought, I'll have the rest of that brownie now.


When I got back to my desk, I couldn't find that brownie anywhere on my desk. You may laugh, but I did have to move several piles of papers to see if it got stuck under them. I finally looked in the waste basket and saw the empty plate and not a crumb of brownie to be seen. I sat down and truly felt shocked, maybe even scared. "When did I eat that last half of the brownie? How much am I on automatic-pilot that I'm not even aware of the food that I'm eating?" And I wonder how I have gained weight when I can't even remember eating? Yes, I ate that brownie basically in a black-out, no recollection of even thinking of having that last half of brownie.


Nah, my food is not unmanageable! Ha! What a rude awakening. Maybe this is what in 12 Step programs they call a wake-up call. 10-4, another message received from somewhere.... telling me I have a problem with food. Right now, I'm not going to beat myself up about it, I'm just thankful for awareness and tools to use. I don't want to share another black-out photo or story with you again.

Sisters!

This photo is of a print hanging in a bathroom in Wisconsin. I really liked it because it has seven women ready to play and party, just like my six sisters and I will do next month. They are all coming down from Wisconsin and Minnesota to Texas to celebrate our tenth annual sister's weekend, more affectionately known as Wild Women's Weekend. When we all go to South Padre Island next month, I don't think we will be dressed quite like these maidens of the past, but we will be colorful. Colorful in dress and personality, I'm sure!

I'm the oldest of the family and we have one brother in the mixture. One of my sisters sent all of us a book of stories to read about sisters. It's sometimes hard to read because I envy the relationships that some of the authors have with their sister(s). I don't have a close relationship with my sisters and I was wondering, "Why?" I think it's because I ended up being more of "mother" with them than a sister. In fact the two youngest sisters (twins) that are seventeen years younger than me call me "the upstairs Mom." Don't get me wrong, I love that honor, especially since I had no children.

I think that another thing that has contributed to my feeling more of a "mother" than sister is the fact that I have lived away from Wisconsin and Minnesota for many years of my adult life. However, even when we spent seven years living up there recently, I still did not develop the sisterly friendships with my sisters. I can go months and rarely speak with any or all of them. But I know that come time for the big weekend, we will all start emailing and phoning each other as we finalize plans for the big weekend. When we all get together, we start talking like it's only been last weekend since we last saw each other. We all know the personalities of the other sisters; who will be quiet, who will be the life of the party, who will laugh the loudest, who will take the longest getting dressed, etc, etc. Somehow that bond is still there, in spite of long absences, we know each other, accept each other and love each other.

10-4-08 Ten-Four

Ten four oh eight! That's today! Today is the first day of the rest of my life. This morning, I remembered the phrase "Ten-four!" from the CB craze of the seventies. I wondered what does it really mean? So I looked it up on the Internet and it's the official police term for "message received." The slang meaning is "OK."



The above picture was taken on my recent birthday. I look happy with my chocolate cake, don't I? The smile belies my frustration with my weight gain. I have gained back almost all the weight I lost last year and I have not been exercising. I feel heavy physically and emotionally. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I swore last year that I would not be this heavy ever again. Here I am again.


Yesterday, my clothes felt very tight and last night I had difficulty walking very far without having to rest my sore back. I think the "message" has been received! OK, I need to change my habits. Yes, I need to take it one day at a time, one meal at a time, perhaps even one bite at a time. I seem to plan big and act small. Let me explain how I work. I am a planner, always have been. I think of dreams and schemes and many ways to make improvements at home, my job and in my life and sometimes even other people's lives. I am not a do-er. I leave the "doing" part up to others, it's probably why I'm a good manager! My perseverance and commitment is zero, zilch!


No, this blog is not going back to my daily dissertation on my struggles physically, emotionally or spiritually. Today's blog is more about resignation. I quit! I get it now! Ten-four! Message received! OK! Life can not go on as it has. I need to change.