Stuck in the Middle

I am one of three siblings in our family of 8 children that is writing a blog. Both of my siblings blogs are listed here on my blog site. My brother writes very philosophical and very Christian material. He is definitely a "still waters run deep" type of person. My sister writes more light-sided material and delves into serious material now and then. Me, I write semi-serious and not-light-enough stuff. I'm stuck in the middle, I think. I wonder if anyone who does not know the three of us would guess that we're siblings?

There's another spot I feel stuck in the middle... my spirituality. I have gone the gamut of being a charismatic Christian to a died-in-wool agnostic and back again. I have expressed my discontent with committing to anything, except marriage (for almost 20 years). And there are still days that I wonder if can commit for one-more-day? Don't worry hubby, it's just me! Yes, just me, with a phobia about committing to marriage, Christ, a job, a place to live, a food plan, a walking program....... I'm sure you get the idea of what I mean, I hope. Stuck in the middle.
Straddling the fence. Wishy-washy. There are all types of descriptions for people like me.

Anyway, next week I have committed to going to a Christian retreat, Walk to Emmaus. Only God could have led me on the path to the retreat, as I was invited by a casual acquaintance at work. She knew I needed this walk, because God led her to me. God does not work by coincidence, but we humans like to think that, don't we? Hubby asked me tonight what I hoped to gain from this retreat? I responded, "To get back to where I left (God). A willingness to allow Him back in my life." Pretty tough order, I would think. But God knows better than I and we'll see! I'm allowing myself to be open to all possibilities.