Scared

I think I'm getting scared. What do some people do when scared? They cry.

I am writing this to get this out of my thoughts and emotions. By placing these fears on paper, I can work with them rather than having these fears work me up to a frenzy.

I think I'm reaching do or die point in my health and it scares me that I may have gone too long, too far. In the past year I have gained the weight I lost upon starting this Peace Project blog plus ten pounds. In the past year I have virtually exercised none. In the past year I have been put on two medications for high blood pressure, and one medication to lower my triglycerides. In the past year, I was referred to an ophthalmologist due to possibility of glaucoma in my eyes. Of course, I've not gone as the doctor is not in-network with my health plan. In the past month, I have been instructed to take my blood sugar at least once a day to see if Diabetes is prevalent with me or on the future horizon.

Today, I suddenly felt very ill, light headed, nauseous, and had a head ache. So I did something so unlike me..... I came home from work early & went straight to bed. After a 3 hours nap, I feel somewhat better. But I wonder, is this the flu or a result of all my other self-induced health issues? As you can see from above, my score card leans more to health issues.

It's like, How long will it take for me to realize that my food choices have brought on the extra weight that I carry to the point of a BMI (Body Mass Index) that is Morbid Obesity? I'm no longer just obese, I'm morbidly obese. What have I done to myself? All these years I had the attitude that "what I want to eat, I will eat." Now it's time to want to eat food that will nourish me, not add to my weight or my illnesses. Boy! That will be a change. But, I think that I'm at the point when change is required, not just a desire.

Got the itch to write something! Don't know what yet, just felt like sitting here and getting my thoughts out on paper.

This morning on facebook, I "signed" up for one of those "groups" that send you a daily message "from God." When I read it, I thought it didn't seem pertinent at the time. It talked about "not worrying about the future and getting a good night's sleep tonight...." At 11 am this morning, I had no thoughts of the future so why would I need God's instructions to get a good night sleep and not think about the future?

Things have a a way of changing rapidly some days as we all know. This afternoon, hubby and I took a drive out in the country north of here and went through the wildlife refuge (saw a bobcat by the way). As we were driving back, I asked him to pull into a mobile home park that kind of got us down to Texas in the first place... another long story. Anyway as we were driving around, we saw a very nice mobile home for sale and I wrote down the phone number. Hubby says, "Why don't you call them?" With the luxury of cell phones, I did that and before I knew it we were touring the place. It's turned out as nice inside as outside and then the thinking started.

This mobile home could be a very nice home for my parents to live in as several of the neighbors are from their neck of the woods. This mobile home could be a very nice home for hubby and I to live in if this home gets to be too expensive as we age. This mobile home could be a very nice home to rent to Winter Texans. This mobile home would add extra debt on us.

All of a sudden I do have things to think about that I didn't have this morning. What do we want for our future? What do we expect for our future? Hubby and I have been fortunate in turning over our homes and making a decent profit on them, would we be so lucky again? Well, now that I have these thoughts out on "paper," I'm going to just let me lay down and sleep now, OK God?

Two Weeks

Two weeks is about 4 percent of a year. Not much, a person could say. Sometimes two weeks can be the difference between life and more life.

Thursday, October 22nd was the beginning of the Walk to Emmaus (Christian retreat). Eighteen months ago I was a pilgrim (participant) in the Walk and had a life-enhancing, make that life-changing experience. So when I was asked to be a part of the team leading the Walk, I humbly agreed. The Walk goes from Thursday night through Sunday afternoon. I quickly discovered that there were aspects of the Walk that I had forgotten, so it felt like another first-time experience again.

There are talks given by lay persons and clergy and the Holy Spirit was with each and everyone of them as they delivered their messages. I say that because part of our upfront training for the Walk is to spend four Saturdays listening to the talks and critiquing them. What was often a very rough version of a talk during our training sessions were talks given as if they were all professional speakers. It was awesome to see the transformation, courtesy of the Holy Spirit and prayers surrounding them.

The pilgrims are divided into groups to sit at a table with a table leader and assistant table leader (me). It was very evident during the first morning that we had some ladies that may require special attention and prayers. There was a lady with ADHD; an unemployed lady with Fibromyalgia and a victim of sexual abuse; an elderly lady that was a wife of a pastor who didn't know "why?" she "needed" the retreat. I wondered how the table leaders of my past retreat would have described me? A lady that is withdrawn, angry and bitter.

Sometime during the first day, I thought, "Remember that Jesus comes to us in all types of ways." Was He coming to me in the lady with flighty movements and no attention span? Was He coming to me in the lady that cried a lot? Was He coming to me in the lady that knew it all? How would Jesus want to be treated? I found myself reaching out and touching them, sometimes not saying anything. Not saying anything because I was not sure my words would be kind and considerate as Jesus deserved, so I just touched them to let them know I was here for them. And with those touches, I felt the warmth of love and acceptance flow into me. Jesus was speaking back to me.

I wish I could say that it was all rosy for the whole weekend, but I have to admit that by Saturday afternoon, I went to a director and asked for prayer. I was worn-out, worried and I just needed to cry and pray. Both the crying and the prayer helped immensely. By the end of the retreat, I could see and hear that the lady with ADHD had so much knowledge; the lady with pain could smile again; and the lady who didn't need the retreat could say "Wow!" and vowing to get her friends to the next retreat.

At the end of the Walk, I could only say that I felt like a woman giving birth, so thankful for the end of the process and vowing to "never do it again" yet knowing that with time the pain will fade.

It was Sunday evening and I wanted to relax, but there was laundry to do so that I could finish packing for our trip. Monday morning at 5 am, we were on the road to San Antonio (four hours) to catch a plane (cheaper airfare if we flew from San Antonio) to Florida. We were going on a cruise! I have tried to talk hubby into going on a cruise for years and he's had no desire as his "last cruise was in 1969 in the Navy." So last year, he found a cruise he wanted to go on and now we're going.

I had never been on a ship for eight days so I was uncertain on how my body would react and accept the cruise. Luckily for us, the seas were calm and I had no qualms about cruising. We left port on Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday, we woke up in Bahamas. Went snorkeling and based on the photos we took, I can not snorkel and take photos at the same time... my thumb was in most of the pictures! After the snorkeling, we partied at Senor Frog's. The next day we were at Half Moon Cay, a private island owned by the cruise lines to be used specifically for their cruises. The beach was awesome with sugary, white sands and turquoise water. It was so relaxing, there is no other way to describe it. Friday, we traveled to Key West, arriving in time to go to Mallory Square and take pictures of the sunset. Lots of pictures! Key West was celebrating Fantasy Fest, an annual celebration that involves costumes of all sorts and body painting of all sorts.

I remember years ago, hubby calling for me to come to the computer and "look at this." When I first viewed the photos, I thought, "what beautiful costumes" people in the photos were wearing. Then hubby said, "they are not costumes, it's painted on their body." Wow! Very unique. These photos intrigued both of us and Fantasy Fest was one of the reasons he decided on this particular cruise trip.

Anyway, the cruise stayed in Key West for two days so we got to view all kinds of costumes and paintings, strolling the streets and watching the parade. Hubby opted for a couple of temporary tattoos on his chest courtesy of Captain Morgan's Rum, sponsor of the Fantasy Fest. We also toured Mel Fisher's museum and got to view some of the ship-wreck treasures.

Sunday was a day at sea and a day of rest, reading, and spending time by the pool. Monday, we woke up in Cozumel and we took a fast ferry to the Mexico mainland, Playa del Carmen. We boarded a bus there for an hour-long bus ride to Tulum, site of an ancient Mayan ruins. The ruins were fascinating, situated right by the ocean. Got a chance to go down to the beach below the ruins and cool off.

Tuesday was another day at sea and hubby's birthday. He started the day reading a book (his favorite activity) out on the balcony of our stateroom and in the evening we had a birthday dinner and last stroll out on the deck watching the full moon shimmer on the ocean. What a way to end the cruise.

Wednesday, we woke up Fort Lauderdale, Florida port and spent the day traveling back home. Thursday was a laundry day and try-and-get-my-land-legs-back day! I was still a-rockin' and a-rollin' that day. :) Well, yesterday, Friday, I went into work and I feel so refreshed. I really missed all of my co-workers. They are such a great group of people to work with, I'm so fortunate that I could spend two weeks away and not have to worry about the running of our department.

Two weeks is only 4 percent of a year. Yet what wonders of rejoicing, rejuvenation, relaxation, and refreshment can occur in that small time span. It certainly gives the physical, emotional, and spiritual being a new PEACE.

What if?

On my computer internet an advertisement pops up that has the headline "What if you died...?" It's certainly an attention-grabber as we don't want to think about death, do we? Today, I was listening to a talk being given by a member of our team preparing for the Walk to Emmaus (a Christian retreat), and the speaker spoke about such a revelation in her past. After having a near death accident, she came face-to-face with God in the questions of "What if I had died today? Would I be resting in God's arms right now?"

All her good works weren't going to get her to heaven, only faith in God. It's so simple, yet so many of just don't get it, do we? First we must have faith, then we can go out and do good works, reflecting to others what God has given us in time, talent and treasures.

I'm a hoarder. I collect (hoard) lions, photographs, house drawings, and books. I hoard my time, being selfish and staying home to avoid doing something. I hoard my talents, not volunteering to do anything. I hoard my money, not giving gifts to others or giving tithes to my church or food to the food pantry.

Yes, I have faith in God and know that if I died today, I would be resting in God's arms. I know that is enough, more than enough! However, would anyone other than God know that I am a Christian? Would anyone see God-like characteristics, qualities, talents reflected back to them? Am I a mirror for God?

Someday

Tomorrow, I turn 58 years old. It seems like yesterday that I was celebrating my 50th! Where does the time go? This milestone - 58 - is tougher to handle than my 57th. Last year I was just 2 years past 55 and this year I'm just 2 years away from 60. A lot seems to have transpired over one year.

Is that true? A lot has transpired over the past year?

Physically - I've gained weight again! Someday, I will accept myself as I am.

Emotionally - I've discovered that some people do not mellow with age, including me. Someday, I won't give a "dang" what other people say or do.

Spiritually - I'm blessed knowing that God loves me. Someday, I will become benevolent towards others as God is to me.

At the rate I'm going with the years racing by, "someday" will be here before I know it! Peace!

Getting Old or Getting Lazy?

Yesterday at a work meeting, several of us got on the subject of how many years of schooling it takes to get a masters in nursing or a degree in pharmacy. Every once in a while I think, "Maybe I should go back to school for....." Then I think, "Not!"

I have reached the point in my life where I don't want to learn much more. I want to just coast through my last working years and not tax my brain too much. That is somewhat burdensome to admit and somewhat embarrassing to admit. When did I get so old or so lazy or both? Even if I don't go to school, I still find that I'm learning on my job. Either it's skill and knowledge things that affect my department or it's personnel things on dealing with others. I wish I could learn how to turn off all the thoughts about work in the middle of the night or in the morning when I just want to get "one more hour of sleep." Some may call it "dedication," I call it frustrating! No more schooling for me, I spend enough of my hours at work, at least mentally that is!

Flip-flop Life

I have a plastic flip-flop air-freshener ornament that hangs from the mirror in my car. About five years ago, it was a gift from a friend to commemorate our desire and our push to wear sandals to our workplace. While the push (to wear sandals ) created the result of administration pushing back and not allowing it, those of us renegades looked upon our plastic flip-flop as a symbol of our mission and our sisterhood.

Over the years, the freshener has died out on the flip-flop, but the ornament is still alive with the colors of bright royal blue and lime green. The bottom of the flip-flop has wavy grooves as if to allow traction if you could walk in it. The grooves remind me of the ocean waves. The top has indentations to show where your toes would rest. I really like that ornament! It's a symbol to remind me to not take life so seriously, especially as I'm driving to work with a thousand things on my mind. It's a reminder of the beachy or Jimmy Buffet's "margarita-ville" lifestyle that I'd like to have.

Then I remember that I already have that lifestyle. On my time off, I can wear flip-flops everywhere (even my church) and at any time in my climate. I have a house that's open, has the cool colors of blue sky and sand of the beach with lots of beach scene and palm tree photos lining the walls. On my time off, I don't have obligations of making meals (hubby so graciously does that) or caring for children or doing housework (I pay for that). I have the LIFE!

I hesitate to end it there, like I should say more, but "what?" What do I say? That at times I don't thank God enough for this wonderful life. That at times I don't realize how great I have it. I need that ornament to remind me to be thankful for the life that I have created with God's help. [Hubby just brought me a cup of coffee to drink while I blog... doesn't get much better than this!] What do I say? Yes, I have the life!