Steps

Two weeks ago, I had just about reached the end of my rope.  Actually, there have been a few times this fall that I felt that way.  This day was the most recent end-of-my-rope days.  Everything seemed to be out of control or at least out of MY control... my weight, blood sugar, mood, etc, etc. 

I realized that I had to do something for my health, beside the anti-depressant that I basically begged my doctor to prescribe for me a week earlier.  So I decided to do the HCG injections in effort to lose weight and fat.  I knew several people at work that had done it with success.  I heard they also have drops that you put in your mouth, but the doctor's office said, "they are not as effective." 

I got an appointment that day and went to hear about the injections and 500 calorie diet.  I paid my money and wondered if I really would be able to give myself injections.  I have not liked needles since I was kid and like most kids I would cry and scream when the needle was in sight.  The nurse told me, "you won't even feel this injection, it will hurt much less then taking your blood sugar."  Ya, right?

It was with a great amount of trepidation that I took my syringes, my documents and left the office.  All night I dreamed about needles.  The next morning I prepped myself and put the tip of the needle on my belly.  I took a deep breath and then a miracle happened.  I looked down, the needle had already penetrated my skin and I didn't even feel it!  A little push to get the needle (only about 1.5 inches) into my fat and push the medicine into my body.  WooHoo!  I did it! 

And I have done it every day since.  Plus I have been on low calorie diet, that has virtually no carbs and no sweets and no alcohol.  Already I have seen results, 15 pounds down, swelling is gone in my feet, blood sugar in normal ranges (without pills).  I am pleased with these steps and these results.  But I would die for a piece of pizza right now!

One of the people at work said, "Rayna, it's all in your head."  The HCG injections jump start my weight loss, but I know that I have to work on my mind games in order to keep the weight loss and keep the healthy eating continuous.  As I have written before, I am not so-good about perseverance, so this will be a challenge.  Can I do this?

Stick with it!

Perseverance has never been my forte'.  My claim to fame is that the only thing I have stuck-with for a long time is my husband!  :)  Everything else gets abandoned in a few short weeks or years.  I can't even count how many books I have started and never finished.  Part of me says, "So what?" Another part of me says, "Why me?"  Why can't I stick with anything?

Am I afraid of endings, completions or success?  I don't think so.  Am I just bored after a certain time?  Maybe.  It's a puzzling aspect of my life that I wonder if it will ever change.  Who knows. 

I feel quite well after six days on this new "journey."  So, I'm also getting paranoid about and questioning myself "When is the ball going to drop and stop me in my tracks?"  Hmmm. Interesting.  One day at a time.

Time will Tell!

I just happened to review my two recent posts and saw that I had signed-off on both of them with the phrase, "Time will tell!"  It wasn't intentional, but it must have something to do with my subconscious thoughts.  One day at a time is my motto for the day. 

Try it!

Yesterday, I did something I thought I would never be able to do and it went just fine.  Sometimes the perceptions we allow in our brains become reality and we freeze.  We don't want to move forward or do anything. We are frozen with fear.

Sometimes I am more frozen with fear when thinking that things will never change.  So when an option comes around and I finally grasp at it, turns out to be not so bad after all.  But this is just the beginning, so I don't want to get too excited yet. 

I have been down this road before, getting started and not finishing the project.  I lack perserverance!  I can't stick it out for the long term.  I jokingly claim that I've only stuck-it-out for two things - my marriage and my being fat!  Through thick and thin... I should say thick and more thick... I have stayed married and stayed fat. 

Time will tell!

Options & Opportunities

There have been times in my life where I felt or thought I didn't have any options or opportunities.  I think that there are always options, but I don't see them or I don't want to make the effort to exercise my options. 

Today, I took one of those options and made it a reality.  I must say I feel hopeful.  I realize that taking that option is only the first step and now I must continue to make that option work for me.  No matter what, I am hoping that this option will get me further down the road in good shape.  Time will tell!

Old people

Vince Gill (singer/songwriter) was asked what made him start watching his weight.  He replied, "I came to the realization that you don't see a lot of really old heavy people.  So my goal is to be a skinny old man." 

How true that is!  I live in a subdivision that is for residents over 55 years and our church is full of old people that come to the Valley for the warm winters.  I don't either see a lot of really old heavy people.  So what does that say about my future as an old person?  It's not very promising! 

I get so focused on the unfairness of not being able to retire at 60 years, that I eat to make up for the unfairness.  It seems that I eat what and when I want, I can control that.  Other things in my life like my retirement funds and medical insurance costs seem out of control.  I can't deny I've been a "it's not fair!" person all my life.  I can't deny I've been a dream-of-the-future person all my life.  I have always had a hard time staying in the present and savoring the moments. Unless I am savoring the food of the moment. 

Part of me has given up hope for a lot of years ahead.  I've been told that I won't have enough money in retirement funds to last me 10 years, much less 20 years.  So I guess I spend my money and then let nature takes its course?  I don't know!! 

On the road again!

Can't wait to get on the road again!  My favorite words from a good ol' country song.  This time, I'm not talking about taking a another road trip to see the sights of the world.  This time, I'm talking about my journey to feel and think better.  I've had some very stinkin' thinkin' going on lately and it's affecting me in more ways than I'm willing to share here... atleast right now.

On this journey, unlike my road trips where I jump right into the action, I have to first pick myself up off the ground.  It's a humbling place and a painful place to be, but I'm willing to stop groveling in the gravel of life's roads.  The willingness to stop groveling is a first big step.  This whole line of thinking reminds me of the 12 step program.  One of the first steps has to do with "willingness." 

You know, as painful as it's been... the pain becomes a part of me.  It's familar and it's difficult to let go of the that.  Letting go leads to willingness, I hope!  I wish I knew the answers