I feel like a freakin' Basket Case lately! Emotional and crying my eyes out....what's with this? Just for the record, I rarely cry....especially the BooHoo kind of cry. I may shed a tear or two watching a show/movie or reading a book, but rarely.
Yesterday, I was doing some domestic stuff and I kept thinking of my friend, Karen L. who passed away way too young of cancer several years ago. It's not uncommon to think of people that have been in your life previously, but I just couldn't get her out of my mind. I could remember her tone of voice and her laughter. She was a fun person and I miss her. I am a facebook friend of her daughter and I wrote to her to tell her about my thoughts. She replied back, "She thought very highly of you." Oh crap, make me cry, will you?
Last year, I did something that unintentionally hurt several people in my group of friends here. They felt betrayed and on hindsight, I can definitely understand. The relationships and times we shared became memories. I felt bad and felt that I deserved the breaking off of communication. I learned a lot from what I did and I know I won't do that again. Last night, I got a facebook friend request from one of them. I was surprised, yet felt like there may be a chance to renew our relationship. Grace in action!
The other night, hubby and I saw the movie, War Room. It's a Christian-based movie about relationships...our relationship with spouses and with God. It made me realize that my thoughts and doubts can affect my marriage and my relationships with other people. If we pray, we may pray for our spouse, that he/she may change or be more of this or that....not thinking or understanding that we may need to be praying MORE for ourselves and our own thoughts and actions. We can't change other people, only ourselves. I have always admitted, somewhat sarcastically, that "I'm selfish." What a sad situation that I could even brag about that. Boy, do I need prayer!
My sister, Robyn, writes a blog every day, often writing about her experiences about her son. Right now, she's experiencing some "last" things as he's a senior in high school. Last night, they did some "last" shopping for sporting equipment and then shared an ice cream.....my sister's very favorite food! Her son says, "I will feel really bad if I have a lactose-intolerant kid someday that can't go get ice cream with his grandma." I had to laugh and cry at the same time. I'm sure she did too! It made me cry thinking of my youngest nephew with kids...and my sister as a "grandma." I hope she gets that opportunity to be "grandma" and I hope she can look forward to the "firsts" in her life and her son's life. Sometimes, the fact that I was never a mother grieves me.....missing out on so many experiences. But, I made the choice to not adopt a child, so I had other experiences instead.
On our recent trip, I re-connected with friends from my life....even a cousin that I had not seen in about 40+ years. Then in Arizona, we saw three couples from different phases of my life and it was wonderful! I have been remiss in keeping up and connecting with these friends. I am so fortunate that they still want to see me and re-connect. I am so fortunate. Why am I blind to that fact so often?
Maybe, that's part of my emotional basket case feelings lately...how fortunate I am to have soooo much.....wonderful people in my life (spouse, family, friends), experiences, and good health! Yes, I'm going to find a basket....a big one....and start writing all these blessings on paper and filling my basket with cases of gratitude!
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