Mom

I miss my Mom! 

Truthfully, I did not think that I would ever be able to say that!  I am being very vulnerable and transparent here and it scares me.   But I know that I must put my thoughts on paper (to the world) to really move on in my life! 

My relationship with my mother has been up and down, to say the least!  As the oldest child (of eight) I was expected to be the perfect role model for the family so that the sins of our father (alcoholism) would be redeemed.  Hmmm!  That word redeem (redemption) again.  I was also my mother's confidant when it came to their marital problems.  Sometimes, my mother had no boundaries in that area and it made me very squeamish and to be truthful, angry! 

My parents did not fight much, unless you call one person, Mom, yelling at Dad about his drinking and his inability to provide and care for his family fighting.  Dad would usually be silent.  To me a fight is two or more people engaged in the fight.  With my Dad's silence, he guaranteed that I would think that my Mom was the "bad guy."  And so it was!

My dad quit drinking when I was college, but the "fighting" continued.  I was surprised, what could there be to fight about?  Regretfully, in some respects, my dad's behaviors did not change.  I should say, my dad's behavior to my mother did not change.  I think, I should say, I know, that my mother did not feel any remorse from my father.  No, "I'm sorry."  She hated that in him until the day he died.

As an adult I have moved away from my "hometown" and lived in several different states.  As a dutiful daughter, I invited my parents to visit us in the winter. Sooner or later, Mom would start "fighting" with Dad and made sure that I heard it!  She expected me to intervene and solve their problems..."make him love me!"  I remember many a long hours talking with both of them....it did not help that I am a wanna-be counselor...so I got right in the middle of it all!  It did not help!  The next year, this scenario would be repeated.  And you know what's sad too....I kept inviting them to visit!  Sometimes for more than four weeks!  Uffda!  I am a glutton for punishment! 

Last May, my dad died.  In June and September, I visited my mom and she would start talking about how Dad "never loved me."  I finally got some "balls" and told her that if she came down to visit, I would NOT tolerate anymore talk like that.  When it came time for my dad's birthday in October, all my siblings went to Mom's house to be with her.  Some of them had not been to her house since Dad's funeral and/or rarely called her to see how she was.  This only reiterated with my mother that Dad was special one in the family.  She later lamented to me that "the wrong parent died."  How sad is that?

So, again, I invited her to come down for a winter visit. I reminded her of the guidelines...no bashing of Dad.  This visit was different.  She did break down once and talked about Dad not loving her and how the wrong parent died.  I let her vent and then kindly, as kindly as I can be, told her that it's over and let's not talk like that anymore, and we didn't.  We had a lot of fun times doing things, playing cards and games, going places.  She met a lot of my neighbors and they loved her!  My mom was feeling love from strangers and she gave them back her love and sweetness.  I came to realize that my mother is not the ogre that I have made her out to be!  I take full responsibility for my feelings and actions. 

My heart is changing.  My heart is allowing me to love the woman that has loved me for sixty plus years.  I miss my Mom!