For those of us in the valley, we have heard of another soldier to die in Iraq, Alex Gonzalez. I heard about his death on the Wednesday morning news. He was the 24th soldier from the Valley killed in Iraq War since 2003. As I often do, my mind slipped on to thinking about other things as I drove to work.
Upon arriving in our department, I was greeted by one of my staff asking me if I heard about the death? Yes, I answered and then she told me that Alex's younger sister was her daughter's best friend. Walking home from school on Tuesday afternoon, his sister saw the military vehicle parked in front of their home and she fell to her knees in grief. She knew.
This staff then went on to tell me that Alex's aunt (by marriage) was another staff in our department. Apparently the aunt was so overcome with grief that she was barely able to speak to call in as she was in no condition to work that night. Oh my God, I thought. Why? Why?
I have personally asked the Why? question a number of times in the past couple of years. But my Why? question was not about why did someone I know die. It was a different version. Why did God allow my nephew (my sister's son), Matt's Marine unit members to be injured or die and spared him? Don't get me wrong, I was overwhelmingly grateful that Matt was spared. It was a question that nagged me and led to another deeper question. I don't think that we, Matt's family, prayed any more than the families of his unit members. So why was Matt spared and his buddies were not? Those questions really led me to doubt the value of prayer. If prayer did not save his buddies, why pray? I then allowed my doubts to fester into a doubting of God, which led to a major spiritual drought.
This drought lasted until my weekend spiritual renewal retreat when I knew that I could not take another step until I talked to someone about this doubting. I found myself suddenly talking to two clergy at the retreat. They both simultaneously said that it's not a matter of God not answering prayers. It's a matter of it's an evil world out there and God does not always save us from the hurt and evil of the world. He allows free will and with that opportunity that he gives us to make choices, we are sometimes subject to the evil choices other people may make. I cried tears of relief as it suddenly made so much sense.
I was reminded of this today as I spoke with Alex's aunt as she was leaving work after a night on the job. She said that Alex's mom is vacillating between crying, "Why? Why?" and saying, "He's in a better place." I don't think there is any way to understand the grief she must feel and questions she wants answers to. However, there is a part of this mother's deep spirituality that allows her to know and be comforted by the fact that her son is in a better place, with God.
Later today, God put another person connected with Alex into my life. She was a lady who I was interviewing for one of our open positions. I'm not even sure how our initial conversation got started in the interview, but she said she had a rough week as her daughter's boyfriend was killed in Iraq this week. I asked her if she meant Alex Gonzalez and she said, Yes. I asked her if she wanted to re-schedule as I'm sure her mind was not thinking about a job interview right now. I know that my mind was kind of going "freaky" as I could not believe another connection to this young man was coming into my small circle of co-workers and friends. However, she wanted to continue with the interview.
Maybe I write about all of this to help myself realize that we just don't know when our lives are going to be affected by death, near or far. Maybe I write this to affirm the love of God is there for us, a strong arm to lean on in times of questioning and grief. I don't want to ever get to the spot in the road of life that I allow myself to push God away in questioning and grief. That I don't allow myself to under-estimate how many lives are touched by one person. That I don't allow myself to forget that there is a "better place," even in death. Peace
No comments:
Post a Comment