Guilt

I just read a story in the magazine about a woman about my age who had to change how she felt and acted towards her mother.  It made me feel guilty about my own mother.  

My mother is 85 years old now, not a spring chicken by any means.  Yet, I think of her as independent, strong-willed and in some cases stubborn.  A lot like me, I guess.  My relationship with my mother has been strained at times and I tend to be bossy with her....whether it's because I am the oldest or just because I'm bossy at times.  You may be thinking that we don't get along at all, but for many winters she (and dad) came to stay with us when we lived in Georgia and Texas.  I opened my home to her, but I think I didn't always open my heart to her.  

This weekend, my nephew got married and Mom was there (driving herself) in a beautiful dress and her hair all done-up pretty.  It was quite windy and so her dress was blowing around and I noticed her knee high nylons were showing.  I told her that she may want to pull them up higher and I thought to myself why didn't one of us think to make sure she had full-length panty-hose for this occasion.   I almost told her to take her knee-highs off, but then I noticed her toe nails looked ragged and rough.  Dang! Why didn't I treat her to a pedicure for this event?  Because I am selfish and did not think about her, figuring she can take care of herself.  You know what, she is quite independent, but she could use some pampering now and then.    

After the wedding ceremony, we drove to the hotel to check in (as we couldn't do early check-in) and Mom still had a large box as a present that was half-wrapped.  Of course, I got a little frustrated as she could have wrapped that at home, but I'm sure she ran of time.  The box was awkward to wrap, but I did it for her as she told me the box was full of 12 presents for her grandson and new wife to open one on each monthly anniversary.  Dang! She is still so thoughtful, I remember we got a box full of goodies on our wedding almost 29 years ago.   

Mom decided to change clothes and be more comfortable for the reception and dance.  I knew my sister was patiently waiting out in the car to take us back to the reception.  Mom, of course, surveyed her pants and thought she saw a spot on them.  Just like when we were kids, we all were dressed very neatly when we left the house.  When we were home, we wore mismatched and sometimes spotty clothes, but not when we went out in public.  Appearances are everything.  Sometimes, I forget how she doesn't move as fast as she used to and changing clothes took longer than any of us wanted.  When I was a toddler, I'm sure I took my good ol' time getting dressed independently and she was probably silently cursing under her breath about how long it was taking me to get dressed back then.  

My mother suffers from Osteoporosis and her head is bend down extremely.  In the past years, she has suffered pain in her back and neck from trying to hold her head up.  It's quite sad to see her walking all hunched over, almost like a question mark.  I was watching her crossing the grounds and thinking of how sad she looked.  But what was even sadder was that she was walking alone.  None of her kids or grandkids were walking beside her.  Again, even though I recognized the travesty of it all, I did not get up and join her.  I was selfish and wanted to visit with cousins. 

Mom has lost all three of her sisters and her husband, now all she has is her children and grandchildren.  Has my mother been the best mother?  No.  But she is still my mother and she raised me the best that she could.  

To get back to the story I was reading and made me into this blubbering mess at midnight.... about how the author discovered that her mother just wanted to feel listened to.... therefore, she got bamboozled by a complete stranger.   I can see this easily happening to my mother.   I am retired and I can visit her or call her many times a week if I would choose to do so.  I can listen to her.  I can visit her and play a card game or two with her.  I have choices, so Lord, help me make the right choices and think of my mother instead of myself all the time!  This guilt is killing me and I don't want to have any more regrets about not doing enough for my mom.