Hugs

Saw this on facebook today & it seemed appropriate to post due to my current thoughts, feelings, and questions!  The second statement is "Hugs Release Oxytocin and Remove Stress From the Body." 

NOT!  Hugs are usually stressful for me.  I am not a hugger and sometimes get uncomfortable when someone other my husband tries to hug me.  This seems to be especially true when my mother tries to hug me.  Our relationship has probably been a love-hate relationship, forever, I think.  I have been getting these emails from family saying, "give Mom a hug for me."  Guess what, it hasn't happened and I don't know if it will.

I am being very brave baring this emotion here, a public forum.  But, I need to start writing again and I have usually been very transparent with my feelings and thoughts....what you see is what you get!  And I ain't perfect or any where near it when it comes to being myself, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend!  It's frustrating at times.  I don't feel like I have a close confidante to share my feelings with, I even keep them from my husband.

I finished reading a book yesterday, "Five Women" by Rona Jaffe.  It was an old book (published in late 1990's) that I picked up at Salvation Army.  It was about five women who come together for a weekly dinner & drinks in New York City.  The author goes back and describes all five women's histories and their relationships to their mother, father and the men they meet.  I thought some of these fictional women had childhoods similar to mine.  I started questioning my self....Why don't I like hugs?  Do I really "love" anyone?  Why am I angry and as someone recently said of me, "manipulative, condemning & judgmental?"

I asked my mother (who's visiting this winter) what I was like as child.  Was I a hugger?  Was I just an independent, wanting-to-run-away child?  Did I hug and kiss my younger siblings like I couldn't get enough of them?  Regretfully, it's been sixty plus years since I was a toddler and Mom can't remember that much about me.  I do remember hearing a story about my aunt taking care of me over a weekend that Mom & Dad had a little get-away.  Upon their return, I didn't run up and greet them with a hug or kiss.  I was nonchalant about their return, which hurt my mother's feelings. 

Mom reminded me today of a time when at age 8 I ran away from home and went back to the place we lived (my ages 1 - 8) and locked myself in the porch.  She said that I didn't want to leave that place that had been home for my entire life at that point.  I told her, maybe that was a turning point for me, as I have never been attached to any home or city since then.  I have moved and lived in six states and had wonderful homes, that I did not hesitate to sell and move again. 

 I guess I have a history of moving on, moving away, leaving, forgetting, and stuffing my feelings.  I don't allow myself to connect with too much or too many people.  I am angry and I don't trust.  Fight or flight, I usually choose flight.  What will I choose now?  When will I "hug" myself, so that I can "hug" others?