Thee End??

Twenty-eight years ago today, I thought that my life as I knew it was ending.  The previous week I had arrived at my parents home to stay there for awhile.  My job in California had ended with the shut-down of the 12 urgent care clinics I worked for.  It was my first time being laid-off and since I had spent three years in California; and I was not in a relationship; and I was almost 34 years old..... I decided to move back to Wisconsin. 

These may be all good reasons to think my life was ending, but not me!  I was looking forward to a new life and another change!  I was going to look for a good-ol' Wisconsin farm boy and get myself married! 

Well, before that occurred, I had one more obligation for my previous employer.  That obligation was to fly down to New Orleans and teach the business office staff down there how to follow up with California Medical (Medicaid) and get the companies last dollars for our services in California.  So Monday morning, August 12, 1985, I was on the plane to New Orleans.  Just a week or so earlier, a plane had crashed in Dallas due to wind shear or bad weather.  It always seems to happen that I have a flight booked shortly after some kind of airplane crash! 

So this day there was a nasty storm brewing in MSP (Minneapolis-St Paul) and we took off in it!  The plane was bucking and rolling and the lightning, thunder and rain were torrential as we climbed into the storm.  This is when I thought, "My life is going to end today!"  All I could do was pray, "God, if it's my time to go, it's my time.  I know where I'm going (heaven) and I'm OK!"  I don't recall praying anything other than that, because I truly believed there was no alternative than death. 

Uffda!  Somehow, sometime later, we broke through the storm clouds and continued southward.  Of course, I did make it to New Orleans.  Since then I have flown probably close to 100 or more flights and never once have I again experienced any severe storm like that.  Not even close! Go figure!  Or maybe, pilots are little more cautious now. 

Anyway, God had other plans for me other than "my life as I knew it was ending."  Or maybe, He did know "my life as I knew it was ending."   Stay tuned tomorrow for the rest of the story!  :)

Changing times

I am listening to a CD of Christian songs song by a quartet of singers from my home area - NW Wisconsin.  What a beautiful blend of voices and what a tribute to God! 

I am amazed of what has transpired in 35 years.  Thirty-five years ago, one of the singers was a young mother with a son who has ADD or ADHD.  That son was in my class as I did my internship teaching before I graduated with a bachelor degree in education.  That son gave me so much grief that I almost decided to never teach again.  I remember that Parent-Teacher conferences were coming up and I hoped that the parents of this young man would come so I could tell them how horrible their son was!   I expected to see a red-neck woman, unkempt and herself a no-good woman.  I had heard that the father was a tough guy, that not many could tolerate his attitude.  I waited with expectation that at least the mother would show up.  I did not, at that time, know too many mothers that did not attend their child's conference.  They never showed up, I was disappointed and life went on.

Flash forward 33 years and I see the student's name on my sister's facebook and decide to "friend" him.  I don't know what possessed me to do so, but I was surprised when he accepted my request. 

Flash forward another year and a woman alone sits next to my husband (I was at a Christian conference that weekend) in church.  He noticed her name and home address on the church sign-in sheet.  After a few minutes of discussing where we came from and where she lived (in the summer), my husband asked her, "Are you related to XXX (name of student)?"  Her response was, "How do you know him?  I'm his mother." 

Imagine my surprise when hubby relayed this event and discussion to me.  I was not sure that I wanted to meet this woman, but then again, why not?  So one of the following Sundays I met her, what a pleasant and humorous lady.  I was pleasantly surprised!  Pleasant is the best word to describe our friendship and the following times we have spent together. 

Now, I rejoice with her in being part of this talented quartet of a small church in rural Wisconsin.  God does judge, but probably not as harshly as we judge ourselves and other people.  Holding grudges does not hurt anyone but ourselves. 

Weight, or did you say wait?!?

The other night we went to seafood restaurant and pigged out on decadent shrimp stuffed with crab and covered in melted Parmesan cheese. Plus we had a frozen drink that gave me an ice-cream-headache. Felt stuffed to gills after that. Then today we went to another restaurant for their champagne brunch. Did not get quite as stuffed, but certainly ate a lot. How am I ever going to lose weight doing this kind of eating? Yesterday morning I had a thought, "I'm not going to get my hair cut until I lose 30 pounds." Then this image of myself came to mind.... an eighty year old lady with long gray hair trailing behind her. Not a pretty sight, but realistic! I know that most of the weight-loss articles tell a person to think positive as in, "Upon losing 10 pounds, I'm going to treat myself to a pedicure." Heck! I treated myself to a pedicure yesterday for making it through a work week without hurting myself or someone else! Now, I've got a trip planned in December to the Caribbean and a sailing boat cruise. So what do I think about, "I wonder if I can lose 30 pounds by then?" I know! It has to be a lifestyle change. But I've got almost 60 years of life style to change! I know! It's just one day/step at a time. But I don't make it through one day and I don't take that first step. I know. It only takes 30 days to develop a habit. But I can easily break a good habit even after 30 days. I walked every day for over 3 months, missed one week and have rarely walked a mile since. I know how to lose weight and exercise. But do I want to lose weight and exercise? Apparently not. I think I'll just wait until after vacation to think about this again!

Perception is Reality

I have used that phrase numerous times in my career and in my life... Perception is reality. I got a taste of it today. A reality check, you might say. A few months back, employees at our company answered an employee satisfaction survey. The last survey that was done was in 2006, just before I started working there. So at that time, one of my first tasks in the department was to set up action plans on how to correct the previous manager's faults and mistakes.

Well I thought that department was doing well and that I had a good rapport with the staff. The results are in and I suck, to put it bluntly! Maybe, not totally, but of course to low-self-esteem Rayna, the results were hard to swallow. The majority of the respondents think I'm doing just fine, but there is that percentage (larger than I want it to be) of staff that just seem to think I do not do anything right. So, at 57 years of life and 33 years in the medical field, I have to change. I have to make improvements.

I will make changes, I have to make improvements. I have to discover what is their perception and how do they want me, their supervisor to be. I need to make their perception become my reality.

Sometimes, like today, I just want to say "I'm too old for this, let me retire." But retire is a few years away yet, in fact 1107 days. Yep, I put my projected retirement date into a count-down program so that I can keep track as time flies by... or at least I hope it flies by! Maybe my perception of time flies will become a reality. Let's hope!

10-4-08 Ten-Four

Ten four oh eight! That's today! Today is the first day of the rest of my life. This morning, I remembered the phrase "Ten-four!" from the CB craze of the seventies. I wondered what does it really mean? So I looked it up on the Internet and it's the official police term for "message received." The slang meaning is "OK."



The above picture was taken on my recent birthday. I look happy with my chocolate cake, don't I? The smile belies my frustration with my weight gain. I have gained back almost all the weight I lost last year and I have not been exercising. I feel heavy physically and emotionally. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I swore last year that I would not be this heavy ever again. Here I am again.


Yesterday, my clothes felt very tight and last night I had difficulty walking very far without having to rest my sore back. I think the "message" has been received! OK, I need to change my habits. Yes, I need to take it one day at a time, one meal at a time, perhaps even one bite at a time. I seem to plan big and act small. Let me explain how I work. I am a planner, always have been. I think of dreams and schemes and many ways to make improvements at home, my job and in my life and sometimes even other people's lives. I am not a do-er. I leave the "doing" part up to others, it's probably why I'm a good manager! My perseverance and commitment is zero, zilch!


No, this blog is not going back to my daily dissertation on my struggles physically, emotionally or spiritually. Today's blog is more about resignation. I quit! I get it now! Ten-four! Message received! OK! Life can not go on as it has. I need to change.

It's a Start

I'm a whiner and I'm a complainer.
Poor me!
I need.... I want,,,,

The above statements are apt descriptions of me! Some people would say "Rayna, it's all about her" (First born, head of the clan). Some people would say, "Rayna, she's a Leo" (Loves attention). Some people would say, "Rayna, she needs to find God again" (To get her serenity)

These "some people" are right!

My last blog entry of a week ago was short, the serenity prayer and then the statements "I want serenity" and "I need serenity." I got some comments and even a phone call.... "Are you alright? You sound depressed." Yes and No. Part of the reason for my brief blog was that I just didn't know what to write anymore. Part of it was guttural cry. I knew something needed to change, because in the past few months, I had felt myself on downward spiral in my job and in my relationships with other people and God.

My sister & family were visiting last week and on Friday we finally got some time for just the two of us, by taking a walk around my neighborhood. She shared how her serenity is working for her. She may not have spoken these actual words or even realized that this is the impression that I got from our conversation.

My sister doesn't have an easy work job and she doesn't have a stress-free life. But she has found serenity in realizing that she can't change everything or everyone. She has found peace in knowing "the difference" in what she can change and what she can't. She is giving 110% percent energy to changing what she can help change and letting go of the rest. Letting go is not easy for her or for any of us, but she has done it so that she can have a peace-filled life. I want that. I want that level of serenity that my "baby sister" has found. That was major reason for my previous blog.

Work has been stressful, so having a few days off last week really helped. Then I spent two days in the office and on Wednesday, I and nineteen other managers and senior managers in our company went to a conference in Pensacola, Florida. Our Human Resources director had told us that it was a continued effort to increase our service excellence program which they started about 18 months ago. Her further assignment was for each of us to bring back five action plans for improvement. On Tuesday, when I emailed my staff about being gone to the conference and basically fore-warning them about my assignment, I got the immediate sense of what their reaction to the "five action plans" would be. "Oh boy, what's Rayna going to make us do differently now?"

Unbeknownst to we attendees (as this was the first conference of this type for this learning institute), it was a not a conference geared to what our staff can do to improve service excellence, it was what we managers and leaders of the company could do for our staff and therefore for our company.

It was one of those AHA! moments. It was there that I realized that the change had to occur within me! Change in my work life, change in my personal life, change in my relationships life. It was truly "all about me," but in a different way. I do need to change. I do want to change.

At the end of each day's conference we had to write "what I learned today, to take away from this conference." Beside the change in me versus changing my staff, I need to look at both sides of the story. I am quick to judge without hearing both sides of the story. I do not know my staff, I have not connected with them. I need to take time to be with my staff, not in fun ways necessarily, but to walk in their shoes. I need to see processes and procedures from different perspectives, from the staff and from our customers. Perception is reality. How the staff and customers perceive our ways of doing things at our business may be quite different from one another as well as potentially being different from how I perceive.

The changing of one's self is not easy. It was probably one of the first things I may have said or thought when I started this PES Project....that I was going to change. I did change. However, it is quite easy to fall into a mode of status quo. The minute a person does that or a business does that, you slip back into old habits, old ways of doing things. We have seen it in our company, I have seen it in myself. I am a leader in our company. I'm not the only leader, but I am still a leader. I have a responsibility to my company to help our employees make it the best company around in the service that we provide. A leader leads by example, not by directives. A leader is a role model.

I am a leader in my own life. I set the example and set the role that I want to model for today, tomorrow and for however many days I have in my future. Change does not happen overnight. However, if I don't wake up with the intent of taking that first step towards change, it will never happen at all.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

I have lived 55 good years on this earth. As you can see by my picture, I have lived to eat!

Now, I have gotten tired.... tired of trying to squeeze my body into large size pants that I just bought two months ago. Tired of trying to get my leg up on my knee so that I can put on knee-hi socks . Tired of walking across the parking lot and arriving at the front door of work all winded & hyper-ventilating.

Yes, I have lived-to-eat for many years. I've experienced yo-yo and roller-coaster periods of weight loss & gain. Regretfully, more gains than losses as last Saturday, my scale tipped at the tip-top of my poundage. I saw the "magic" number on the scale, the one that I never wanted to see and the number that said, "this is serious, Rayna."

It's ironic that when the scale tip-toppled at that huge number, I was not upset. I knew it was coming some day as I have lived-to-eat for too many years. Any time I have thought about a diet or even went on a diet, it's always been me whining, "It's not fair!" I sure could do a great imitation of a spoiled rotten kid that wants their way. Yes, I got my way, I ate what I wanted and when I wanted. Now it is time for a big change in my lifestyle or I will not have many more years of life to style!

So far, I have focused this day's blog on my physical weight and appearance, but there is more to this change in lifestyle than what I do or don't put into my mouth and how much exercise I do each day. Physical is part of my lifestyle change, and so is the emotional and spiritual aspects of my life. All three areas need to be in balance, in order for my life as a whole to be in balance. I want my life to be full of peace.

I am an old child of the sixties, but PEACE means so much more than a good, warm, high feeling. It signifies balance to me. If you look up the word 'peace' in the dictionary, the pronunciation is "pes." P, E, S, are the first letters of the works physical, emotional and spiritual. When those three aspects of my life are in balance, I will feel, think and know PEACE.

Join me as I journey to a life of balance and peace!