Cry

I cried. I ended yesterday's blog with admission that I cried. I ended it that way, not to evoke sympathy. I ended it that way to acknowledge that I am human. Sometimes, I have to remind even myself of that fact. I seldom cry and yesterday's cry was nothing more than some tears coming down my face to mix with the sweat and a couple of gasps (or grasps) for breath. It was over almost before it started. It was nothing more than that in the physical sense, but something more in the spiritual sense. Note: I did not write emotional sense, I wrote spiritual.

It was a cry of sadness, it was a cry of resignation, it was a cry of desperation. I am not sure what it all signifies. Perhaps humility or humbleness. Perhaps a realization of aspects of me that I'm not proud. Perhaps none of the above.

I have a goal in mind of a weight on the scale that I think will be indicative of healthy and fit "Rayna." It's a hefty goal in the aspect that it will entail losing 30% of my starting body weight.

I am a thinker and a reader. I think a lot, therefore I am sometimes a creative writer, sometimes not. But I have noticed that I am thinking about this lifestyle change and weight loss change .... way too much! It invades my thoughts & space way too much. I awake in the morning and I'm immediately wondering how I will do today with my changes, with my food intake, with my weight. Granted, I should be thinking MORE before I eat spontaneously, in order to make wiser food choices. But other times, I do need to relax and not think. I need to be able to give my body and mind a rest from thinking. I'm trying so hard, it's exhausting at the same time as it's exhilarating.

This blog is a creative outlet for me to express my thoughts and feelings. However, one thought begot another thought. Before I know it, my head is swimming in thoughts that I think that I have to get out on paper (in the computer). It's a release to write, because I get my thoughts out, I can relax and go on with my day. Or as in today's case, I can go back to bed to catch some more sleep-eye. Part of me thinks that I should stop this blog as the more I blog, the more I think and as I wrote earlier, thinking is exhausting. Part of me.... needs to stop rambling and ................ PEACE be with you!

Team Meeting

There was a PES Project team meeting this morning and here are the minutes of the meeting.
P= Physical, E=Emotional, S= Spiritual

5:17 am Meeting began
S= OK Rayna, time to get up and get walking. You know you will feel energized once you do.
5:18 am Rayna gets on scale and has gained 2#
5:22 am Team starts walking
P= I am going to start this meeting with a complaint. Everyone looks at me like I'm the "bad guy" when she (Rayna) gains weight, but who's out there 6 days a week walking in the morning. Me! You girls are sabotaging me.
E= What do you mean? I'm helping her celebrate her loses of weight. She deserves to celebrate, doesn't she?
S= Yes, but we're not helping if we don't make her act with reason. I am trying to feed her with thoughts of hope and possibility.
E= Well, Rayna has always been a wayward, strong-willed, out of control child. What else do we expect other than this journey will be a roller-coaster ride, up and down? Besides that, why can't she have a snack or treat now and then? She deserves it.
P= Emotional, you are as up and down as Rayna's weight and her compliance to this project. One day you're high on hope and celebrating and the next day you're whining. You need to get with the program here.
E= Everybody else gets to eat what they want and still be trim and fit, why can't Rayna?
S= No, everybody does not eat all the snacks, sweets and fatty foods that they want. Look around you, most trim and fit people eat small portions, lots of healthy foods like salads, veggies and fruits. We need to be the voices of reason for Rayna. We need to work together on this project.

More discussion of the same was held.

6:11 am
P= OK girls, we're almost home. Let's agree to march together. 1, 2, 3, march, march, march! Girls we're going for one more lap, we're going to make it 3 miles today!
S= Whoa! We didn't stop for our water break to refresh us!
E= Wait a minute, we're supposed to go home after 2.5 miles. This is no fair. I'm tired of this meeting. I want to go home, I'm going to cry!

2.6 miles Rayna cried.

Results

I did have a lot of my blood levels tested and though my cholesterol is about the same as 6 months ago, which is not totally discouraging as it was not bad then. I am encouraged that my glucose went down to normal instead of being high. I feel very good about that as my dad has diabetes, discovered in the past few years.

I did it!

I have lost 10% of my body weight. I feel more energized as I am walking two and half miles daily. My clothes are fitting better. I think I will get a blood test done to see if my levels have improved.

Peace be with you!

Do as I say, not as I do!

I'm a great one for giving advice. I'm the oldest of eight and I have been known to be bossy in my day(s). Sometimes, I do keep quiet and sit back and not say a word...... Oops, I hear my sisters and brother saying "What? Rayna keeping her mouth shut? Hardly!" Yes, the cat is out of the bag, I'm guilty.

Yes, I'm guilty again. This weekend I was telling a sister to tell her son to do this, not to this, etc. Giving advise that was not requested or required. When I got off the phone, I realized that my blood pressure was elevated and that I had been talking too loudly, I'm sure. And the loudness probably had nothing to do with the road noise in the car. I have a "motherly" instinct in me that wants to protect the young ones and the old ones (siblings that are messing with their lives). I don't want them to make the same mistakes that I have made. I want goodness and gladness for them all, family members young and old. I have even been known to boss my own mother.

I like to give advice, that's probably why I enjoy doing this blog. There is no doubt that sometimes I suffer from the "I want to shake some sense into them" syndrome. Why can't they see it my way? I know what I'm talking about... I have the education, experience, entitlement, etc, etc! Another E word, I also get emotional about it! I started thinking about my conversation with my sister and I was humiliated and humbled. I realized that no one could have "shaken sense" into me at my nephew's age, much less 8 years older. I don't want others to make mistakes and then suffer the consequences of their action or lack of action. Sometimes those consequences take years to deal with and/or eliminate from a person's life.

Sometime in this past month's blogging, I mentioned about no one confronting me about my weight. Upon looking back, I wonder did it mean that no one cared if I was eating myself to death? I wonder if I would have accepted what they suggested or said? The answer to both those questions is "No." People do care, just like I care about others and I don't want to see them hurt, be it physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and/or financially.

For me there is a fine-line between showing my care and concern for someone and sticking-my-nose-where-it-don't-belong syndrome. How do others deal with it? Praying for the person. Writing to the person. Listening to the person. For me it is often easier to try and "save" someone else than it is to try and save myself from destruction. Maybe I have more confidence in the other person listening to me and taking my advice than it is for me to act on my own words. It's much easier to shout, "Do as I say, not as I do!"

Advice is easy to give, not so easy to take. Peace!

Blessings

Today is a day that I celebrate the blessing of marrying a good man nineteen years ago. Right now he is taking his nightly nap while holding the remote control and "watching" TV with his eyes shut. Yes he is older now & should be allowed these privileges, however, he's been doing this for 19 years! :) I just have to smile and be thankful he's home with me and not out and about. Yes, thankfulness can lift a person's spirits.

Too often we forget all the things we have to be thankful for. Just today, I was talking with a co-worker about walking in the morning. She has little energy at the end of the day to walk as we keep her a very busy woman at work as our department receptionist and go-for person. I mentioned walking in the morning, but she has a four year old to get up and get ready for school. I know she is thankful for that little guy and truthfully, I'm thankful that I don't have a four year old to take care of and that I am free to walk in the morning. I am also thankful for mild weather year-round to walk in and a safe, gated community to walk around.

I am thankful that both my parents are still alive and doing well. I am thankful that my siblings are all still alive and that I have lost very few precious people in my life. Disease and illness can attack a body so quickly, that every day of health is a precious blessing. Today, hubby got the news that his recent stress test shows all is well, yet the evidence of a previous heart attack is there. A heart attack that awakens a person's perspective on life. I don't want a heart attack to happen to me and that is one of the reasons I am embarking on this life style change, to hopefully prevent heart disease and maybe other diseases as well. I am thankful for the health I have and will continue to improve.

Give thanks with a grateful heart! It will lift your spirits! Peace.

Fun in the Sune

It was 100 degrees yesterday at Sea World in San Antonio and 100 thousand people there, it seemed! It was sunny and therefore a sweaty day. But we had fun viewing the shows and exhibits. The lines were too long for the water rides so we opted for long waits for the shows.

I quickly found myself doing child-like things like following the M.C.'s instructions to "wave at the whales." I laughed, took pictures, and enjoyed the antics and specialized training of the animals and the performers. It was a fun day, though next time we'll probably go there in the fall, when it's hopefully, cooler. The pool at the resort sure felt good last night. Hubby & I both slept well last night, even if it was only a double bed (compared to the king bed we are now accustomed).

One of the things that touched me at Sea World was the Shamu show, there was a video screen that showed the stories of young people that have grown to love whales and train whales. The theme was "Believe." The videos and testimonies were very well done and it focused on the children (and the inner child in we adults) to believe we can do something and make a difference in the world. At least one of the trainers has loved animals since a child and she truly is blessed to be working at something that is a "natural" for her. Sounds like something I have written before, the actions of children being reflected as they become adults. The video and the show strengthened my resolve to become something in my life. To become balanced and at peace in my life. Believe!

"I'm willing to believe there's hope for me." Peace!