There is something magical about the Christmas season, the lights. Homes are decorated with lighted trees and yard ornaments fill the communities we live in. It's the time of year when the days of sunlight shorten more and more each day and just before Christmas day we have the most darkness. I am sure that may have been part of the reason for the tradition of lighting our homes at this time of year. It's a tradition that is appreciated by myself and many others as we ooo and aaw at the sight of the the lights. Hubby set up the timers on the outside lights so that they come on about the time I am taking my morning walk (in the dark). The lights create such a welcome-home feeling when I round the corner and see my house and yard. They illuminate the neighborhood. It puts a warm-fuzzy feeling in my heart.
To "shed some light on the subject" is a phrase describing illumination, or as Webster says, to "make understandable, clarify." My writing about my feelings of wanting to run-away basically laid the subject on the table. It was out there for anyone to read and see. Just writing about it made it easier for me to see it, it illuminated the taboo subject deep in my being. Once it was out in the open for me and others to see, it lost a lot of its power. It's no longer so scary. It's a feeling and we're all entitled to our feelings and thoughts. No one can take them away from us. No one can know what our feelings and thoughts are unless we choose to reveal them.
From the comments to that blog writing, I think I may have provided some illumination or light for others to see themselves. Sometimes the smallest light can brighten a room. It's not always easy or comfortable to see myself, much less reveal myself to others. I have some deep revelations in these blogs and some superficial nonsense in these blogs. Who is to judge what's a revelation versus nonsense? Even I can't know on some days and maybe I'm not meant to know.
Part of the longing in my soul is the need to fill up myself. I want to find the answer to, "Is this all there is to life?" So I fill myself up with food and drink or unhealthy habits or thoughts. I have always wanted to be a mentor to others in their struggles with life. I guess that's the counselor in me. Is there a way that I can use my words, thoughts, feelings to illuminate someones life? Can I fill my self with "light" and illuminate the path for someone else on their life's journey? Can I get my life in balance, physically, emotionally and spiritually so that my "project" could illuminate someone? Or perhaps I can illuminate someone by just struggling with the balancing act and never really succeeding, but trying none the less.
What is also exciting is the fact that we just never know who's life we may impact by shedding some of our light so that others can see! Each of us may be illuminating a path, totally unaware. Am I ready to hold the lantern of light or should I hide it for a while? Time will tell.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Run-Away Imagination
Imagination is something I am blessed with having for a characteristic. From a young age I loved to read and would imagine myself in the stories. Dreaming up my own stories was fun too, though seldom did I write them down.
As a child and teenager, I grew up in a household ravaged by alcoholism. My father, now recovering, is an alcoholic and would often drink after work. My mother was angry and tried to control every situation in her own way. This meant there was a lot of yelling and disciplinary actions taken on all of us. When my father would arrive home after the bars closed, there would be more yelling. My mother yelling at my father about drinking and lack of money to pay the bills. As the oldest child I vacillated between ignoring my family by staying in my room reading or imagining ways to take away my younger sisters and brother to escape the world we lived in. I wanted to run away.
"Flight or fight" is a term I learned about in college while taking psychology courses. I quickly recognized that I prefer the flight method of dealing with things in my life versus staying and fighting. When I was eight years old, I ran away from home. Pedaling my bicycle I went about a mile from one house to our former residence after a fight with my mother. She tracked me down hiding in the porch of the house I had lived in for seven of my eight years. I remember sensing that my mother was so contrite about my running away, probably she was embarrassed in front of our old neighbors that her daughter would do such a thing.
Other than imagining the escape of my siblings and I by pulling a wagon with my baby brother to grandma's house which was 20 miles away; I do not recall any specific incidence of wanting to run away until 1977. [Although there were many incidences of my fleeing situations or escaping by drinking alcohol.] On my way to work I would pass over the interstate highway and I would see a sign that a certain city was XX miles that way if you followed the arrow. Day after day, I wanted to just make that turn and head towards that city.
It was not the city that I longed to see or visit, it was the appeal of running away. I never wanted to take anything with me, I just wanted to take my car and go. I wanted to not tell anyone about my leave, as I wanted to go there and start a new life, a different life. But then I would get to thinking about family and friends that would be concerned about my where-abouts. I thought that if I did tell my family where I was (so they would not be worried) that creditors, bosses, landlords, etc would be hounding my parents for information and they would break down and tell them where I was. Then I would have to go back and face the music....abandonment of job and household, overdue bills. So daily, sometimes for weeks on end, I would decide not to take that turn to that city. I would keep going straight to my job. Sooner or later I would change jobs or change places of residence, either home or city. The flight urgency would subside...for awhile.
The urgency to flee has occurred many times since then in my life. I would imagine taking a different road to work and keep on driving. I usually imagined going to a remote location. Someplace desolate, where the chances that the townsfolk would even hear of me missing would be remote. In thinking about some of this escapades, I have even thought of faking amnesia so that I could be totally anonymous even to my new neighbors. You may be thinking, "She's crazy!" Or you may be laughing, "She's nuts!"
Sometimes, I feel that way.... crazy and nuts. Sometimes, I hate myself for these flight feelings that come over me. I do not have a bad or even semi-bad life... I have a wonderful husband, good job, nice home, etc, etc. But the urge to start a new life, the wanderlust, the gypsy in me is there, I can't deny it. Over the years, I have started to recognize that part of my flight feelings has more to do with the gnawing question, "Is this all there is to life?"
My decision to share some of this in my blog is that I have had those feelings again.... keep on driving, don't go to work, pretend you disappeared. The other night the movie, The Family Man was on TV. I had not originally seen the movie and when I read the review I felt I needed to see this movie. Nicolas Cage plays a single, successful Wall Street icon that falls asleep on Christmas Eve and wakes up married to his "old" sweetheart and has a family of two children. The movie reminded me to think of "The Christmas Carol" where the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future come to haunt. The character basically feels and acts like he has amnesia with his "new" family. Sooner or later, he starts adjusting to his new life, even though he was forced into a new life. Neither of the lives of this character were perfect, the before or the after, the old or the new. The theme of the movie struck a chord in me.
It is time to be honest with myself and time to be honest with my husband. Honesty is sometimes very difficult to profess, whether it be in a blog writing or in person. It's not easy to be honest about a character defect that I have, my wanting to flee my life, even a good life at that! But I'm willing to explore it. I am willing to explore my motives for this flight pattern and I am willing to explore ways that I can develop the pattern of staying and fight. I know that part of me wants to escape the trappings of a household and its responsibilities..... utility bills, taxes, rent or mortgage, insurance, furnishings, etc. If I didn't have this or that place to live, I wouldn't have to work (i.e. make as much money to pay for it). Yet, I find myself shopping to buy things to fill up this house and decorate it. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't! No, my house is not empty, but my soul is.
Why else would I have to question, "Is this all there is to life?"? Why else would I want to flee an otherwise wonderful life? A Wonderful Life, another Christmas film about being shaken into realizing what we have and how important it is. The more money I make, the bigger house I have, the more prestigious job I have, the more weight I lose, the more years I'm married... all of this has not taken away the feeling of flight. The feeling of emptiness.
I know that there will be comments made about my needing God, Christ, Holy Spirit, Buddha, whatever. That may be right. However, right now, my life feels fuller in just being honest.
As a child and teenager, I grew up in a household ravaged by alcoholism. My father, now recovering, is an alcoholic and would often drink after work. My mother was angry and tried to control every situation in her own way. This meant there was a lot of yelling and disciplinary actions taken on all of us. When my father would arrive home after the bars closed, there would be more yelling. My mother yelling at my father about drinking and lack of money to pay the bills. As the oldest child I vacillated between ignoring my family by staying in my room reading or imagining ways to take away my younger sisters and brother to escape the world we lived in. I wanted to run away.
"Flight or fight" is a term I learned about in college while taking psychology courses. I quickly recognized that I prefer the flight method of dealing with things in my life versus staying and fighting. When I was eight years old, I ran away from home. Pedaling my bicycle I went about a mile from one house to our former residence after a fight with my mother. She tracked me down hiding in the porch of the house I had lived in for seven of my eight years. I remember sensing that my mother was so contrite about my running away, probably she was embarrassed in front of our old neighbors that her daughter would do such a thing.
Other than imagining the escape of my siblings and I by pulling a wagon with my baby brother to grandma's house which was 20 miles away; I do not recall any specific incidence of wanting to run away until 1977. [Although there were many incidences of my fleeing situations or escaping by drinking alcohol.] On my way to work I would pass over the interstate highway and I would see a sign that a certain city was XX miles that way if you followed the arrow. Day after day, I wanted to just make that turn and head towards that city.
It was not the city that I longed to see or visit, it was the appeal of running away. I never wanted to take anything with me, I just wanted to take my car and go. I wanted to not tell anyone about my leave, as I wanted to go there and start a new life, a different life. But then I would get to thinking about family and friends that would be concerned about my where-abouts. I thought that if I did tell my family where I was (so they would not be worried) that creditors, bosses, landlords, etc would be hounding my parents for information and they would break down and tell them where I was. Then I would have to go back and face the music....abandonment of job and household, overdue bills. So daily, sometimes for weeks on end, I would decide not to take that turn to that city. I would keep going straight to my job. Sooner or later I would change jobs or change places of residence, either home or city. The flight urgency would subside...for awhile.
The urgency to flee has occurred many times since then in my life. I would imagine taking a different road to work and keep on driving. I usually imagined going to a remote location. Someplace desolate, where the chances that the townsfolk would even hear of me missing would be remote. In thinking about some of this escapades, I have even thought of faking amnesia so that I could be totally anonymous even to my new neighbors. You may be thinking, "She's crazy!" Or you may be laughing, "She's nuts!"
Sometimes, I feel that way.... crazy and nuts. Sometimes, I hate myself for these flight feelings that come over me. I do not have a bad or even semi-bad life... I have a wonderful husband, good job, nice home, etc, etc. But the urge to start a new life, the wanderlust, the gypsy in me is there, I can't deny it. Over the years, I have started to recognize that part of my flight feelings has more to do with the gnawing question, "Is this all there is to life?"
My decision to share some of this in my blog is that I have had those feelings again.... keep on driving, don't go to work, pretend you disappeared. The other night the movie, The Family Man was on TV. I had not originally seen the movie and when I read the review I felt I needed to see this movie. Nicolas Cage plays a single, successful Wall Street icon that falls asleep on Christmas Eve and wakes up married to his "old" sweetheart and has a family of two children. The movie reminded me to think of "The Christmas Carol" where the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future come to haunt. The character basically feels and acts like he has amnesia with his "new" family. Sooner or later, he starts adjusting to his new life, even though he was forced into a new life. Neither of the lives of this character were perfect, the before or the after, the old or the new. The theme of the movie struck a chord in me.
It is time to be honest with myself and time to be honest with my husband. Honesty is sometimes very difficult to profess, whether it be in a blog writing or in person. It's not easy to be honest about a character defect that I have, my wanting to flee my life, even a good life at that! But I'm willing to explore it. I am willing to explore my motives for this flight pattern and I am willing to explore ways that I can develop the pattern of staying and fight. I know that part of me wants to escape the trappings of a household and its responsibilities..... utility bills, taxes, rent or mortgage, insurance, furnishings, etc. If I didn't have this or that place to live, I wouldn't have to work (i.e. make as much money to pay for it). Yet, I find myself shopping to buy things to fill up this house and decorate it. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't! No, my house is not empty, but my soul is.
Why else would I have to question, "Is this all there is to life?"? Why else would I want to flee an otherwise wonderful life? A Wonderful Life, another Christmas film about being shaken into realizing what we have and how important it is. The more money I make, the bigger house I have, the more prestigious job I have, the more weight I lose, the more years I'm married... all of this has not taken away the feeling of flight. The feeling of emptiness.
I know that there will be comments made about my needing God, Christ, Holy Spirit, Buddha, whatever. That may be right. However, right now, my life feels fuller in just being honest.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Report
Report cards on students went out recently. So in the spirit of things, I will give a report on this PES PROJECT I started five months ago.
Physical
Food B-
I started out counting calories, fat grams and writing down my food. That lasted about a month. Then I kept up the healthy eating of no snacks, seldom sweets and appropriate portions for another two months. The past two months, I have been eating as "normal," which is how I ate prior to this project.
Exercise A
I have regularly walked two miles daily. I have increased my speed and lengthened my gait. My posture, strength and endurance have increased tenfold.
Weight B
Losing 13% of my body weight within three months was wonderful and even though I have not lost any weight in the past two months, I have maintained.
Emotional
Overall C+
I don't really think I have changed much in this aspect, so I asked hubby and he said, "No, not much change except more upbeat." So I will grade myself as a little above average. I have found that I don't dwell on things as much as I used to, I let them go. One of the ways I "let go" is to write in this blog.
Spiritual
Receptive B-
I have become more willing to receive God into my life. No life-changing or soul-moving episodes yet.
Attitude B+
Attitude of gratitude is my daily goal. It helps in dealing with life's little inconveniences that pop up.
Overall, I would score my PES PROJECT with a grade of B. That's OK! Progress made and room for improvement....appropriate description of my life.
Physical
Food B-
I started out counting calories, fat grams and writing down my food. That lasted about a month. Then I kept up the healthy eating of no snacks, seldom sweets and appropriate portions for another two months. The past two months, I have been eating as "normal," which is how I ate prior to this project.
Exercise A
I have regularly walked two miles daily. I have increased my speed and lengthened my gait. My posture, strength and endurance have increased tenfold.
Weight B
Losing 13% of my body weight within three months was wonderful and even though I have not lost any weight in the past two months, I have maintained.
Emotional
Overall C+
I don't really think I have changed much in this aspect, so I asked hubby and he said, "No, not much change except more upbeat." So I will grade myself as a little above average. I have found that I don't dwell on things as much as I used to, I let them go. One of the ways I "let go" is to write in this blog.
Spiritual
Receptive B-
I have become more willing to receive God into my life. No life-changing or soul-moving episodes yet.
Attitude B+
Attitude of gratitude is my daily goal. It helps in dealing with life's little inconveniences that pop up.
Overall, I would score my PES PROJECT with a grade of B. That's OK! Progress made and room for improvement....appropriate description of my life.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Thankfulness
Thanksgiving is tomorrow & many of us are already thinking of all that we will have to eat! :)
Yes, we may be thinking and drooling, however do we really think about how THANKFUL we need to be that we have food to eat and share with others? Do we really think about how thankful we need to be that we have a computer to write, send and receive instant messages? Do we really think about how thankful we need to be that we have a phone to be talking to family and friends and hear their voices over the blocks, miles, states, and continents? Do we really think about the joy and privilege to have family and friends, not only alive but in our lives?
I am thankful for many things..... allow me to share and if you don't care, just exit out of here.
I am thankful for my health, I am still obese but so much healthier than five months ago. I am thankful for my relationships with hubby, parents, family, and friends. I am thankful for my job and my co-workers that make my time and talents worthwhile. I am thankful for my safety.
I have been thinking about safety a lot since last Saturday. I wrote in my blog that day about not knowing what the future holds from one minute to another. That night, about 20 minutes before we were planning to welcome neighbors into our home for a game night, I got a phone call from work. "Rayna, we've had a CODE BLACK at the hospital."
"Code Black?" I questioned, "a bomb threat?"
"Yes, we're out here in the parking lot, we can't go in the hospital." I drove over to the hospital & by the time I got there, the employees were moving back in the building. Luckily they did arrest the man who called the threat and yes, he had planted a bag of explosives, wires, etc, in the men's restroom of the main lobby of the hospital, less than 100 feet from my office. Too close for comfort, I would say! Granted the FBI said that the nothing in the "bag" was connected, therefore could not have exploded. This man is psychotic and probably did not know how to connect the ingredients to create a true bomb. BUT the thought was there!
A couple of months ago hubby & I were "treated" to another bomb threat against our flight from Houston after our vacation. This was thankfully, a threat with no "meat" to it. But, two threats close to home in two months is enough to rattle my bones! I'm not usually a "scaredy-cat" but when I really think about it, it's uncomfortable. What's weird is that we all went about our business on Monday, just as normal. Is it human nature to do that? Go about as "normal"? To protect ourselves? Deny the real threats out there? I don't have the answers.
Regardless, I am soooo thankful that no one was hurt during this threat. I am thankful that there are people out there that did question the "intent" of this man & reported him. I am thankful for safety.
Have a happy Thanksgiving and enjoy your day, wherever you spend it. PEACE!
Yes, we may be thinking and drooling, however do we really think about how THANKFUL we need to be that we have food to eat and share with others? Do we really think about how thankful we need to be that we have a computer to write, send and receive instant messages? Do we really think about how thankful we need to be that we have a phone to be talking to family and friends and hear their voices over the blocks, miles, states, and continents? Do we really think about the joy and privilege to have family and friends, not only alive but in our lives?
I am thankful for many things..... allow me to share and if you don't care, just exit out of here.
I am thankful for my health, I am still obese but so much healthier than five months ago. I am thankful for my relationships with hubby, parents, family, and friends. I am thankful for my job and my co-workers that make my time and talents worthwhile. I am thankful for my safety.
I have been thinking about safety a lot since last Saturday. I wrote in my blog that day about not knowing what the future holds from one minute to another. That night, about 20 minutes before we were planning to welcome neighbors into our home for a game night, I got a phone call from work. "Rayna, we've had a CODE BLACK at the hospital."
"Code Black?" I questioned, "a bomb threat?"
"Yes, we're out here in the parking lot, we can't go in the hospital." I drove over to the hospital & by the time I got there, the employees were moving back in the building. Luckily they did arrest the man who called the threat and yes, he had planted a bag of explosives, wires, etc, in the men's restroom of the main lobby of the hospital, less than 100 feet from my office. Too close for comfort, I would say! Granted the FBI said that the nothing in the "bag" was connected, therefore could not have exploded. This man is psychotic and probably did not know how to connect the ingredients to create a true bomb. BUT the thought was there!
A couple of months ago hubby & I were "treated" to another bomb threat against our flight from Houston after our vacation. This was thankfully, a threat with no "meat" to it. But, two threats close to home in two months is enough to rattle my bones! I'm not usually a "scaredy-cat" but when I really think about it, it's uncomfortable. What's weird is that we all went about our business on Monday, just as normal. Is it human nature to do that? Go about as "normal"? To protect ourselves? Deny the real threats out there? I don't have the answers.
Regardless, I am soooo thankful that no one was hurt during this threat. I am thankful that there are people out there that did question the "intent" of this man & reported him. I am thankful for safety.
Have a happy Thanksgiving and enjoy your day, wherever you spend it. PEACE!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Hello Out There
Do you remember what it was like as a child, being in the dark? You would hear noises and because of the darkness, you could not tell if it was a big bear or a rambling raccoon in the neighborhood. The suspense was immense and exciting. "Hello, out there!" We'd shout as we wanted the "noise" to show itself, so that we could feel assured that we were not in danger. By saying "Hello," we thought that would show our friendliness.
Today I received a comment on my blog from someone who's known me for "40 some years." Most comments on my blog, I can determine by the content or initials who is writing. This one commentator has me puzzled. "Hello, out there. Who are you?" Writing a blog is pretty brave and maybe stupid at times, just like going out in the dark in the "wilderness." You never know who or what is out there . Yet I continue to expose myself through this medium. It's fun and exciting. And it keeps me honest, I hope!
Every day that we wake up is another day. We may think we know what will happen today, yet if a person really thought about the fact that we are truly entering a dark, unknown wilderness called the future, the suspense would be enough to drive us crazy. Don't you agree? So we go on with our plans for cleaning the house, going to the grocery store for snacks, entertaining friends tonight, etc, etc. Yes we plan. We plan for the future even though we may know in the back of our minds that the "future" is just one second away, all the time! And we truly do not have a clue what could happen in the next second. Just the same, the "past" is one second behind us. What I wrote just seconds ago, I can erase and revise. However, once I click on "publish post," my words are gone for others to read and I can't take them back.
Let us not be afraid to go out in the dark wilderness of life. Be aware that they may be big bears out there. Plan for the "noises" in darkness of our future life to be rambling raccoons, surviving just as we are. Realize that you may never find out "who's out there?"
Today I received a comment on my blog from someone who's known me for "40 some years." Most comments on my blog, I can determine by the content or initials who is writing. This one commentator has me puzzled. "Hello, out there. Who are you?" Writing a blog is pretty brave and maybe stupid at times, just like going out in the dark in the "wilderness." You never know who or what is out there . Yet I continue to expose myself through this medium. It's fun and exciting. And it keeps me honest, I hope!
Every day that we wake up is another day. We may think we know what will happen today, yet if a person really thought about the fact that we are truly entering a dark, unknown wilderness called the future, the suspense would be enough to drive us crazy. Don't you agree? So we go on with our plans for cleaning the house, going to the grocery store for snacks, entertaining friends tonight, etc, etc. Yes we plan. We plan for the future even though we may know in the back of our minds that the "future" is just one second away, all the time! And we truly do not have a clue what could happen in the next second. Just the same, the "past" is one second behind us. What I wrote just seconds ago, I can erase and revise. However, once I click on "publish post," my words are gone for others to read and I can't take them back.
Let us not be afraid to go out in the dark wilderness of life. Be aware that they may be big bears out there. Plan for the "noises" in darkness of our future life to be rambling raccoons, surviving just as we are. Realize that you may never find out "who's out there?"
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
PRIDE
Pride - a multi-faceted, multi-meaning word.
A few weeks ago, I went to the stage musical, The Lion King, which reflected on pride. Not only the "company of lions" type of pride, but the "excessively high opinion of oneself, arrogance" type of pride.
Last Saturday, this word popped into my head as I was walking around the local baseball stadium for a fund-raising walk. The announcer said, "You need to walk or run around the stadium twelve times to equal three miles." Granted all the funds of most walkers, including me, were committed before the walk and no one expected me to walk the three miles. But I was bound and determined that I would finish that three miles with the best of them. It was a lot different walking on sand, gravel and sod compared to cement streets. And it was two hours later in the day than I usually walk... read "hotter." It was also different walking with a couple hundred people instead of myself.
I was walking quite well, passing a number of people. I was only paying attention to my number of rounds, but I did notice that less and less people were walking every round. I kept saying to myself, "No one is going to accuse this fat, old lady of wimping out!" When my twelfth last lap ended, I looked behind me and I was very surprised to see maybe a dozen walkers behind me. I knew that I passed more walkers than that! Wait a minute, you mean everyone did not do the whole walk? You mean everyone did not take the announcer literally? I have never done one of these types of walks before & I did not know that people bail out.
Did I have to walk the full twelve laps? Apparently not. Did I feel a sense of pride ("satisfaction taken in one's achievements)? Apparently yes. Oh well, my mother always did accuse me of being just like my father, full of pride.
The word pride has been "bugging" me since that day. I realize that I have been quite superficial in my blog writings lately, focusing on outside events and not on myself. Am I losing my pride (read conceit) because I am not focusing on self - physical, emotional, spiritual? Or is my pride causing me to not write about myself because I don't feel like it? Or I don't feel like I'm concentrating on my PES Project with the same vim & vigor that I had a few months ago? Or I'm scared to write about that I'm not doing so well on my food intake?
I know that in order to take the next steps in this journey, I had to face the facts. The facts are I've been more emotional lately, feeling stronger feelings of sorrow, loss, anger, happiness. The facts are I've been more open to spirituality lately, praying, accepting of God. The facts are physically, I've been walking two miles regularly with vim & vigor, yet my food intake has been more than needed.
Every morning when I walk I think about what I could write about in this blog, but time and guilt prevent me. Today, when I got home, hubby said, "You have not been on the scale in a while, what's up?" I had to admit I was scared to get on the scale because of my food intake. I vacillate from weighing daily to going a month without weighing. I never could stick to anything, even something like weighing regularly. I had in the past weeks also tried to justify my abstinence of weighing to the "fact" that I should not concentrate on the weight as much as the "principle" of physical health. So I decided to face the music and see how much I had gained. It was tough, because I know me...... any weight gain would have me depressed all day and for several days. Yet, I felt full of guilt knowing that I was the only one who put food in my mouth, it was my choice. So to compensate, I told myself, "I expect that I have gained X number of pounds since I last weighed."
I got on the scale and held my breath after expelling at least 3 ounces of breath. Even the air in your lungs is weight on your body, didn't you know that? I am sicko, I know! Or do other women "play" these games with the scale?
I was stunned! I was speechless! I had not gained any weight! I had maintained a "decent" weight loss (13%) for a month-and-half! I was ecstatic! What more can I write... except that my pride (satisfaction in one's accomplishments) can give me a sense of drive to accomplish the next step? I'm going for it.... 14% here we come! Peace.
A few weeks ago, I went to the stage musical, The Lion King, which reflected on pride. Not only the "company of lions" type of pride, but the "excessively high opinion of oneself, arrogance" type of pride.
Last Saturday, this word popped into my head as I was walking around the local baseball stadium for a fund-raising walk. The announcer said, "You need to walk or run around the stadium twelve times to equal three miles." Granted all the funds of most walkers, including me, were committed before the walk and no one expected me to walk the three miles. But I was bound and determined that I would finish that three miles with the best of them. It was a lot different walking on sand, gravel and sod compared to cement streets. And it was two hours later in the day than I usually walk... read "hotter." It was also different walking with a couple hundred people instead of myself.
I was walking quite well, passing a number of people. I was only paying attention to my number of rounds, but I did notice that less and less people were walking every round. I kept saying to myself, "No one is going to accuse this fat, old lady of wimping out!" When my twelfth last lap ended, I looked behind me and I was very surprised to see maybe a dozen walkers behind me. I knew that I passed more walkers than that! Wait a minute, you mean everyone did not do the whole walk? You mean everyone did not take the announcer literally? I have never done one of these types of walks before & I did not know that people bail out.
Did I have to walk the full twelve laps? Apparently not. Did I feel a sense of pride ("satisfaction taken in one's achievements)? Apparently yes. Oh well, my mother always did accuse me of being just like my father, full of pride.
The word pride has been "bugging" me since that day. I realize that I have been quite superficial in my blog writings lately, focusing on outside events and not on myself. Am I losing my pride (read conceit) because I am not focusing on self - physical, emotional, spiritual? Or is my pride causing me to not write about myself because I don't feel like it? Or I don't feel like I'm concentrating on my PES Project with the same vim & vigor that I had a few months ago? Or I'm scared to write about that I'm not doing so well on my food intake?
I know that in order to take the next steps in this journey, I had to face the facts. The facts are I've been more emotional lately, feeling stronger feelings of sorrow, loss, anger, happiness. The facts are I've been more open to spirituality lately, praying, accepting of God. The facts are physically, I've been walking two miles regularly with vim & vigor, yet my food intake has been more than needed.
Every morning when I walk I think about what I could write about in this blog, but time and guilt prevent me. Today, when I got home, hubby said, "You have not been on the scale in a while, what's up?" I had to admit I was scared to get on the scale because of my food intake. I vacillate from weighing daily to going a month without weighing. I never could stick to anything, even something like weighing regularly. I had in the past weeks also tried to justify my abstinence of weighing to the "fact" that I should not concentrate on the weight as much as the "principle" of physical health. So I decided to face the music and see how much I had gained. It was tough, because I know me...... any weight gain would have me depressed all day and for several days. Yet, I felt full of guilt knowing that I was the only one who put food in my mouth, it was my choice. So to compensate, I told myself, "I expect that I have gained X number of pounds since I last weighed."
I got on the scale and held my breath after expelling at least 3 ounces of breath. Even the air in your lungs is weight on your body, didn't you know that? I am sicko, I know! Or do other women "play" these games with the scale?
I was stunned! I was speechless! I had not gained any weight! I had maintained a "decent" weight loss (13%) for a month-and-half! I was ecstatic! What more can I write... except that my pride (satisfaction in one's accomplishments) can give me a sense of drive to accomplish the next step? I'm going for it.... 14% here we come! Peace.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Veterans
Today is Veteran's Day or I should say the weekday that the government says we celebrate Veteran's Day. How many of us really do celebrate Veteran's Day? Is it not just another day to celebrate having a holiday (day off of work) or just another day to not celebrate that banks & other federal offices are closed (i.e. no mail)? Celebrate is a very strong and joyous word and the concept is almost too strong for Veteran's Day. Don't we often think of "veterans" as those men and women) of World War II? Those veterans of my father's age or older. Isn't it kind of weird to think of those people (at their age) celebrating?
Honor the veterans seems so much more appropriate to me. Although I'm sure that 40, 50 and even 60 years ago, these people did celebrate Veterans Day. They celebrated that they were alive and back home, after WW II. They celebrated the peace that their war efforts brought to the world.
Hubby served this country during the Vietnam War and I just asked him, "Do you consider yourself a veteran?" He replied, "Yes, I am." I know that I often forget that he is a veteran, partly because I was not part of his life during that time. I think part of it is that Vietnam War had a finality that involved us vacating the country with thousands of people trying to climb on planes to escape with us (the USA). If you remember the news of that time, it was not a pretty ending. Needless to say, hubby served our country with honor.
My sister sent me an email today about thanking the veteran for our freedoms. Yes, we are a country full of freedoms and we have so much to be thankful for. Our veterans of wars, past and present have served our country in bringing peace to the world or parts of the world. They served a higher purpose than most of us can or are willing to understand.
Thank you to the veterans and their families. May we never forget their sacrifices and their efforts. May we honor them and celebrate their services.
Honor the veterans seems so much more appropriate to me. Although I'm sure that 40, 50 and even 60 years ago, these people did celebrate Veterans Day. They celebrated that they were alive and back home, after WW II. They celebrated the peace that their war efforts brought to the world.
Hubby served this country during the Vietnam War and I just asked him, "Do you consider yourself a veteran?" He replied, "Yes, I am." I know that I often forget that he is a veteran, partly because I was not part of his life during that time. I think part of it is that Vietnam War had a finality that involved us vacating the country with thousands of people trying to climb on planes to escape with us (the USA). If you remember the news of that time, it was not a pretty ending. Needless to say, hubby served our country with honor.
My sister sent me an email today about thanking the veteran for our freedoms. Yes, we are a country full of freedoms and we have so much to be thankful for. Our veterans of wars, past and present have served our country in bringing peace to the world or parts of the world. They served a higher purpose than most of us can or are willing to understand.
Thank you to the veterans and their families. May we never forget their sacrifices and their efforts. May we honor them and celebrate their services.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Neighbors
Hubby & I just got back from a wonderful meal at our neighbor's place. In our married life, there have been very few places that we have lived and felt like we lived in a neighborhood or community. In Wisconsin we lived on a lake & those neighbors became such dear friends. I know that a couple of them can attest to how hard I cried when we moved. You would have thought some one died.
Then we moved here to the the Rio Grande Valley last year & we're in a community "of friends 55 and over." Until about three weeks ago, it's been fine living here. We have some couples that we play cards, dominoes or marbles with on Friday or Saturday nights. We have some neighbors that we play cards with on Tuesday nights. I have some neighbors that I see on my morning walk. There are some neighbors that hubby sees down at the pool. But some things have changed and I wrote about my feelings in Sunday's blog.
I truly did feel quite sad, maybe it was just the mood I was in, I'm not sure. But tonight, another neighbor invited us over to their place for fajitas and it was so good! It was "good" not only because of the food, but because of the companionship and love that was passed from neighbor to neighbor. We talked of a neighbor that is close to death and our hearts and prayers went out to he and his wife, who is tonight sleeping on the floor at the hospital.
Regardless of the turmoil happening here in my community or in my heart or the turmoil in your heart or life, there is hope. I say HOPE. I shout HOPE! :)
Doesn't it feel good? Even our neighbor that is close to death may at this time be reaching out his heart and soul to Jesus; where Jesus is saying, "Welcome to MY community, heaven!" God bless you, DB! God bless us ALL!
Then we moved here to the the Rio Grande Valley last year & we're in a community "of friends 55 and over." Until about three weeks ago, it's been fine living here. We have some couples that we play cards, dominoes or marbles with on Friday or Saturday nights. We have some neighbors that we play cards with on Tuesday nights. I have some neighbors that I see on my morning walk. There are some neighbors that hubby sees down at the pool. But some things have changed and I wrote about my feelings in Sunday's blog.
I truly did feel quite sad, maybe it was just the mood I was in, I'm not sure. But tonight, another neighbor invited us over to their place for fajitas and it was so good! It was "good" not only because of the food, but because of the companionship and love that was passed from neighbor to neighbor. We talked of a neighbor that is close to death and our hearts and prayers went out to he and his wife, who is tonight sleeping on the floor at the hospital.
Regardless of the turmoil happening here in my community or in my heart or the turmoil in your heart or life, there is hope. I say HOPE. I shout HOPE! :)
Doesn't it feel good? Even our neighbor that is close to death may at this time be reaching out his heart and soul to Jesus; where Jesus is saying, "Welcome to MY community, heaven!" God bless you, DB! God bless us ALL!
Monday, November 5, 2007
Old Age
This weekend hubby & I went to the island for a music fest and shrimp fest. Our main reason for going was for the shrimp fest as we both like shrimp and then hubby entered us on the music fest web-site for free tickets. I won a 3 day pass so then he paid for one. It was actually fun to sit and listen to different styles of music and have a few drinks. We stayed overnight there & took the bus and cab to our venues. Many of the bands seemed to be from Austin, TX and one band had a very loyal following of fans (about 20 young people). The music they played was reminiscent of the 70's and they (and their fans) dressed the part..... hippie-looking clothes, dreadlocks, sandals or no shoes.
All of sudden, I felt very OLD! I am old enough to be their grandmother! I just sat there dumb-founded. What happened to the years? What happened to me? What have I done? Oh my gosh, it was not a good feeling & I truly sat there so serious. I just wanted to cry. Where is my youth? Sometimes reality hits hard. Then an old favorite song of mine was played, "Rocky Top Tennessee." I just could not keep still any longer. I was up on feet clogging and clapping my hands and singing. I found my youth.... in my heart... young of heart. Music touches the heart and soul more than most anything can, I think.
I know that some day my feet won't "clog" and my hands won't "clap" and my voice won't "sing" and I can assure you that my heart will be smiling and jumping for joy when I hear Rocky Top Tennessee. In the meantime, I guess I will just act young at heart and maybe even embarrass myself. Because someday, I won't even remember that I've embarrassed myself. Someday, I won't even remember to be depressed about OLD AGE!
All of sudden, I felt very OLD! I am old enough to be their grandmother! I just sat there dumb-founded. What happened to the years? What happened to me? What have I done? Oh my gosh, it was not a good feeling & I truly sat there so serious. I just wanted to cry. Where is my youth? Sometimes reality hits hard. Then an old favorite song of mine was played, "Rocky Top Tennessee." I just could not keep still any longer. I was up on feet clogging and clapping my hands and singing. I found my youth.... in my heart... young of heart. Music touches the heart and soul more than most anything can, I think.
I know that some day my feet won't "clog" and my hands won't "clap" and my voice won't "sing" and I can assure you that my heart will be smiling and jumping for joy when I hear Rocky Top Tennessee. In the meantime, I guess I will just act young at heart and maybe even embarrass myself. Because someday, I won't even remember that I've embarrassed myself. Someday, I won't even remember to be depressed about OLD AGE!
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Blowing Off Steam!
Peace! Not right now, I don't feel it. Just got back from a two lap jaunt around my neighborhood. I stopped in to talk to a lady who's husband is dying of cancer. She was not home & her Sunday paper was at her door which tells me she's been gone to the hospital for a long day. I originally started my walk this evening to blow off steam. There's been some controversy brewing in our community and I've tried to stay out of it, but some things are getting on my nerves. I know some of my neighbors read my blog so no names will be mentioned as is usually my "policy" here in this blog.
Of course, I would run into five of the people "stirring" things up on my walk. I wanted to scream and confront them, but instead I cried. I wanted to say, "There are people in our community with cancer and dying, yet all you think about are your personal agendas and your personal vendettas. Get a life! Be thankful you have a life and a future in this beautiful community." But I can't control them, anymore than I can control my own emotions sometimes. I want to be able to continue to chat with and joke with the "stirrers," they are not "bad" people. Yet, my feeling is that they are trying to divide our community, into board of directors-supporters and board of directors-opponents. It's so unfortunate. It's so unnecessary. Why can't we all just get along? It's enough to make one cry.
Of course, I would run into five of the people "stirring" things up on my walk. I wanted to scream and confront them, but instead I cried. I wanted to say, "There are people in our community with cancer and dying, yet all you think about are your personal agendas and your personal vendettas. Get a life! Be thankful you have a life and a future in this beautiful community." But I can't control them, anymore than I can control my own emotions sometimes. I want to be able to continue to chat with and joke with the "stirrers," they are not "bad" people. Yet, my feeling is that they are trying to divide our community, into board of directors-supporters and board of directors-opponents. It's so unfortunate. It's so unnecessary. Why can't we all just get along? It's enough to make one cry.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Today
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Today is the first day of a new month. Today's quote on my "sisters" calender from Ralph Waldo Emerson:
Finish every day and be done with it.... Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays.
How many of us start the day realizing that this day is "too dear... to waste a moment on yesterdays"? All too often we are burdened or "cumbered with our old nonsense." We think about what we did or did not do yesterday. How many of us start the day with a "high spirit"? Do we often forget that a spirit can soar in height, even though we (or our loved ones) are suffering physically or emotionally? How often have we heard a person that is suffering say, "You lifted my spirits"? Yes, sometimes it is our spiritual self that gets us going in the morning and keeps us going throughout the day.
Today is a new day, "begin it well and serenely." Peace
Finish every day and be done with it.... Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays.
How many of us start the day realizing that this day is "too dear... to waste a moment on yesterdays"? All too often we are burdened or "cumbered with our old nonsense." We think about what we did or did not do yesterday. How many of us start the day with a "high spirit"? Do we often forget that a spirit can soar in height, even though we (or our loved ones) are suffering physically or emotionally? How often have we heard a person that is suffering say, "You lifted my spirits"? Yes, sometimes it is our spiritual self that gets us going in the morning and keeps us going throughout the day.
Today is a new day, "begin it well and serenely." Peace
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