The Peace Project

Tortoise and the Hare

2012-01-28T05:30:00.000-06:00

Remember the old tortoise and the hare story? I wonder if they still read that in schools. Regarding my weight loss story, I have been the hare.... rapid weight loss and now I'm in the tortoise phase. But I keep telling myself "slow and steady wins the race." Over the past month, I'm averaging about 1-2 pounds loss each week. For me that is just fine. At least I am not doing my typical behavior of celebrating a great weight loss by eating the pounds right back up the scale!

One thing that is in the hare phase is how fast this month is going by, it is already the 28th of January. Another old phrase is "time flies when you're having fun." I guess I'm having fun! My calendar is not filled with activities, but enough to keep life interesting. Life is good.

Joy to the World!

2012-01-15T07:57:00.000-06:00

Joy to the world, the Savior reigns! I realize the Christmas season is "over," but why? Why not celebrate Christ's birth in our lives every day of the year? With joy!

Yesterday we were at a spirit-filled and entertaining show given by Frank Runyeon. He used to be on soap operas of the day and night (i.e. One Life to Live, Falcon Crest, etc). He talked about the Sermon on the Mount and then went into the messages that we get everyday from the media and society. For children, it's BUY. For women it's WEIGHT and looking good. For men, it's WIN.

His point was that we think we can find JOY in these, but it doesn't happen. At least not permanently. He spoke of his well-to-do son that went to Dominican Republic and seeing children that did not have much material goods, but were so filled with joy. It reminded both Paul and I have this scene in St. Maarten.

As we were driving the streets of St. Maarten, I saw this house with the two girls playing in the parking lot next door. I am attracted to colorful houses and doors, but this scene enticed me because the two girls had the same bright colored outfits as their home.

We stopped, and as I got our of the car with my camera, they saw me and waved at me with these beautiful smiles. It made me feel as if they knew me. This was the first picture I took. They came closer and I took a couple more photos. The youngest girl has the words "cutie pie" on her shirt and they both were cutie pies!

Their home was located on the edge of an industrial area of Phillipsburg, a place that most Americans would consider undesirable for a home. Yet they walked their dog and played in the rutted parking lot next door and greeted people with huge smiles. You could tell they knew joy!

The speaker yesterday spoke about our new year and our resolutions. How many of our resolutions involved giving kindness and love to others? I have to admit and my blog attests to this that my resolution is all about me and my eating habits, etc. Thank God, I have time (i.e. I'm still alive) and I can add so worthy resolutions to my new year!

I resolve to seek and find ways to give thanks, love, and joy to another person each day. Thanks for reading my blog, there may only be a couple of you, but your comments are valued. And knowing you are out there makes me more accountable for my actions.

Tug-of-war

2012-01-14T08:16:00.000-06:00

This week I had to wrap my head around the fact that I can not eat like I used to and maintain any weight loss. It's been a psychological tug-of-war between fact and fiction. I don't know if my "it's not fair" falls into the fact or fiction category, but that phrase has come to the forefront of my mind several times this week.

I have made some wise choices on food this week and some not so wise choices. I am starting to recognize both, even knowing that I what type of choice I was making. So, I guess that is progress. The scale shows it too, I only lost one-half pound this week. But I am maintaining a 26+ pound weight loss since November 14, 2 months ago. I am at my lowest weight in about four years and I have a few more pounds to lose for my lowest weight in many, many years! :)

Four years ago, I think I accomplished most of my weight loss by walking (i.e. exercising). Once I stopped the daily walking, the pounds came back and increased my weight to levels I had never seen in my life. This time I am concentrating more on my food and eating habits. Exercising is great and I plan to start again. However, I fully realize that I may not always have the opportunity to exercise due to unforeseen injury or illness that hinders any exercise. Therefore, I plan to be able to eat food for sustenance and I need to develop good habits on the foods I choose and eat.

I have read tons of articles on weight loss and food. I know that knowledge is a great tool. Maybe I should have written that I am having a tug-of-war between knowledge and psyche. May the best "man" win! I am hoping that knowledge wins!

WWW

2012-01-08T10:56:00.000-06:00

If any of my sisters see this title, they will think I'm going to write about our annual sisters weekend dubbed WWW = Wild Women's Weekend! However, I am going to write about Water, Weigh and Wisdom and possibly throw a fourth W in there for Write.

Every magazine you pick up today has at least one headline article about losing weight and/or exercise. I have read many of them of course and have learned a few tips (WISDOM) from them. These tips I have put into practice in the past couple of months.

WATER - drink plenty of it! Not much else a person can say. It fills you up and it has no calories. It also helps with a body's metabolism.

WEIGH - yourself every day! This is difficult some days when I know that I may have splurged the day before. But, it is so important to know what that "splurge" has done with your weight. There are days when I don't want to get on the scale, but I force myself to do so. It really helps keep me in tune to what my body is doing. Weigh your food too. Again, I thought I knew how much 4 ounces was, but I didn't. A fine calibrated food scale is important. I took my body weight scale on vacation with me so that I could see how I was doing. Of course my scale batteries ran dead about 10 days into my vacation & I told everyone that "I threw it overboard." But upon return home, the scale with fresh batteries became a staple in my life

WISDOM - learn and put into practice what you've learned! Beside the two tips above, I have learned to make better choices on the foods I eat. I have learned that berries are great. I have put into practice the habit of having a salad with the dressing on the side. I dip my fork into the dressing and then spear my vegetables. I was pleasantly surprised by how little dressing I used, yet I tasted the dressing in most every bite.

I have learned to review the menu while eating out and requesting the meat that normally comes with french fries, coleslaw, etc to come with a side salad (with dressing on the side) instead! There is no sense in tempting myself by having those fat-laden carbs to sit on my platter in front of me.

I have learned that alcohol is truly a lot of empty calories. I know that if I have a drink with a meal or after, I will see that on the scale the next day. So I limit myself to two or three drinks a week.

Another W is WRITE - write down the foods you're eating. A person often (maybe I should say "usually") is unaware of how much they are really eating until they write it down. Write down your feelings about your food plan, your weight and your emotions. Write down your weight each and every day. It helps to see the progress or the maintenance you have accomplished.

Well, that's about all the wisdom I have to share today. All I can say is that it makes a world of difference to me in following these WWW tips.

Changing times

2012-01-06T20:26:00.000-06:00

I am listening to a CD of Christian songs song by a quartet of singers from my home area - NW Wisconsin. What a beautiful blend of voices and what a tribute to God!

I am amazed of what has transpired in 35 years. Thirty-five years ago, one of the singers was a young mother with a son who has ADD or ADHD. That son was in my class as I did my internship teaching before I graduated with a bachelor degree in education. That son gave me so much grief that I almost decided to never teach again. I remember that Parent-Teacher conferences were coming up and I hoped that the parents of this young man would come so I could tell them how horrible their son was! I expected to see a red-neck woman, unkempt and herself a no-good woman. I had heard that the father was a tough guy, that not many could tolerate his attitude. I waited with expectation that at least the mother would show up. I did not, at that time, know too many mothers that did not attend their child's conference. They never showed up, I was disappointed and life went on.

Flash forward 33 years and I see the student's name on my sister's facebook and decide to "friend" him. I don't know what possessed me to do so, but I was surprised when he accepted my request.

Flash forward another year and a woman alone sits next to my husband (I was at a Christian conference that weekend) in church. He noticed her name and home address on the church sign-in sheet. After a few minutes of discussing where we came from and where she lived (in the summer), my husband asked her, "Are you related to XXX (name of student)?" Her response was, "How do you know him? I'm his mother."

Imagine my surprise when hubby relayed this event and discussion to me. I was not sure that I wanted to meet this woman, but then again, why not? So one of the following Sundays I met her, what a pleasant and humorous lady. I was pleasantly surprised! Pleasant is the best word to describe our friendship and the following times we have spent together.

Now, I rejoice with her in being part of this talented quartet of a small church in rural Wisconsin. God does judge, but probably not as harshly as we judge ourselves and other people. Holding grudges does not hurt anyone but ourselves.

Word of the Year

2012-01-02T14:23:00.000-06:00

After I wrote yesterday's blog, I was reading in Guideposts magazine that Debbie Macomber, author, chooses a word of the year (her book, One Perfect Word). She will "choose one word to focus on and live by. These words have comforted me, challenged me and brought me closer to God. They have changed me. I've used them in my prayers, written about them in my journals, discussed them with my friends. I've seen how they've shaped my spiritual path. Sometimes I even trip over them."

Some of the words she has chosen are hunger, trust, prayer and hope. I immediately thought of the word support, maybe because it was fresh in my mind after writing my blog. Support can be a thing and it can be an action. It can be given and be taken. It can be used in my personal life, my spiritual life and my work life. It's multi-faceted and holds so much potential.

Anyone out there interested in joining my challenge to select a work-of-the-year?

Last Year, New Year

2012-01-01T19:55:00.000-06:00

My sister asked on facebook what was the personal greatest accomplishment in 2011. My first instinct was to respond that I lost 23#, all in a matter of the last few weeks of the year. Then I thought about the fact that my cholesterol and glucose are now in the normal range. Or the fact that after getting a daily dose of anti-depressant, I now feel "normal." These are all items of bragging rights. But I think that my greatest accomplishment was coming to the realization that I was a fat, unhealthy, crabby old woman who was stressed about anything and everything. And I came to the realization that I did not want to be that way any longer.

The fact that I started to make some changes in my life, even at 60 years of age, was my greatest accomplishment. There's a phrase that says "you can teach an old dog new tricks." I would add to that, "it just takes longer."

I will admit that I have always been a complainer, "It's not fair." Guess what, life is not fair. Life is not for the faint-hearted. Life is tough. Only by the grace of God have I lived this long with some of the habits and choices I have made in my life. I often see the glass as half-empty and long for a different life.

Is it fair that I have seen the beautiful turquoise waters of the Caribbean four times as many times as others in the world? Is it fair that I have set foot in 47 of 50 states when others never have the opportunity to leave their home state? Is it fair that I have a faithful and loving husband for 23 years when others might have theirs for only 23 months or never? Is it fair that with my long-time unhealthy habits and obesity that I have never suffered from a heart attack or stroke? No, life is not fair.

The word "fair" means pretty, pure, just, and equitable. That last description, equitable, sums up my philosophy of what I want life to be (i.e. balanced). I started this blog with the goal of having balance in my life. I wanted balance in my life in the aspects of physical, emotional and spiritual. It did not happen! Yes, it did get better for a while and then I spiralled out of control and out of balance again. And I responded again with my age-old adage of "It's not fair!"

An equitable life is even-keeled, no rocking or rolling of the ship. In many respects that is desirable and calming. But when a ship is calm and even-keeled, it's often not moving, not getting anywhere. The winds must fill the sails and move the ship along. Often the ship at full-sail is leaning to one side and it's moving. A person has to adjust to the leaning ship in order to not fall down. They have to grab onto the nearest object to steady themselves. If a person tries to walk alone on a moving ship, they will find themselves flailing and failing to remain upright.

Grabbing onto something offers the support a person needs to get from one point to another on the ship as its moving along. In life, as well as a sailing ship, the key thing to remember is "support." It is a foolish person on the ship that tries to walk around a moving ship without grabbing onto a railing or two. So, why do I not realize that I'm being foolish in trying to walk alone, without support?

Fair seas will have us staying in one place. If I am staying in one place, calm and cool, I am stagnant. The winds of life have to be blowing, sometimes buffeting us to move us along. Life is not about continuous balance and calmness. It is about rocking and rolling, moving us from one destination to another. Hang on, life is going to take me for a ride!

My new years resolution is to view life as a glass full instead of half empty. Exhilaration and excitement comes from the roller coaster experiences of life, not the sitting on the sidelines type of life.

Whew!

2011-12-09T05:59:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling good and relieved that the injections are over and I'm on to the next step... maintenance plan. I already have been told that the maintenance plan is basically the Atkins plan, no carbs and sugar. I am just hoping that I can add a bit of variety to my diet. One of the proteins that I could eat was shrimp, so I had my fill of shrimp in the past three weeks.

Last night we went to Red Lobster for a dinner party for Paul's men's group from church. I just could not order shrimp, so I chose oven-grilled flounder and broccoli. Yes, I did have ONE of their delicious biscuits. It tasted good, it was the most carbs I've had in three weeks! Usually, when eating at Red Lobster, I have been known to eat at least two, if not three of those biscuits. I have learned over the past weeks, that my body can not take that much carbs, without raising my blood sugar and adding weight.

Tonight I go to the doctor for my final weigh-in and measurements. I know that I lost 23 pounds and some inches, I can tell it in my clothes. I am thankful for this loss and I am thankful I decided to do something for myself. I hope I have learned for the last time, that I must eat healthier in order to be healthier! I know that I have learned this lesson many times before when I have lost weight. Only to go back to nasty old habits and regain the weight. At my age, I don't know how many more chances I will get to relearn this lesson, if I don't take it seriously right now! Lord help me!

Into the future!

2011-12-02T06:37:00.000-06:00

In another week or so I will be done with this phase of an intensive weight loss program. The injections and the very low calorie diet will be done. Done, just in time to go on vacation. Do I ever plan things right? Because the next phase will be upping my daily calorie intake a bit, in other words I can have more vegetables. I never would have thought that I would crave broccoli and green beans.

I am already thinking (read - worrying) about the future. Will I be able to maintain my weight loss while on vacation, when all my meals will be bought in a restaurant? Will I be able to find enough foods that I can eat? Will I cave in to my cravings... other than broccoli and green beans?

The program suggests that a person take a portable scale with them on vacation so that you can monitor weight gains and act appropriately. It is also written that if you depend on how your clothes fit, you won't get the true status of your body. I know that it may seem as though I'm obsessive about weight and checking it every day. But I have to admit that my weight gains of 5-10# have usually occurred when I have NOT looked at my scale in weeks or months. It is true for me that I don't realize I'm gaining THAT MUCH weight until it's too late.

Too-late for me is dangerous. High weight for me = High cholesterol, high blood sugar, high risk of heart attack or stroke. Those are "highs" I don't need.

Lord, help me focus on today's food plan and not worry about the tomorrows of my life. My only "worry" should be how to pack my portable scale in my luggage. Don't worry, I will find a way!

Steps

2011-11-28T07:28:00.000-06:00

Two weeks ago, I had just about reached the end of my rope. Actually, there have been a few times this fall that I felt that way. This day was the most recent end-of-my-rope days. Everything seemed to be out of control or at least out of MY control... my weight, blood sugar, mood, etc, etc.

I realized that I had to do something for my health, beside the anti-depressant that I basically begged my doctor to prescribe for me a week earlier. So I decided to do the HCG injections in effort to lose weight and fat. I knew several people at work that had done it with success. I heard they also have drops that you put in your mouth, but the doctor's office said, "they are not as effective."

I got an appointment that day and went to hear about the injections and 500 calorie diet. I paid my money and wondered if I really would be able to give myself injections. I have not liked needles since I was kid and like most kids I would cry and scream when the needle was in sight. The nurse told me, "you won't even feel this injection, it will hurt much less then taking your blood sugar." Ya, right?

It was with a great amount of trepidation that I took my syringes, my documents and left the office. All night I dreamed about needles. The next morning I prepped myself and put the tip of the needle on my belly. I took a deep breath and then a miracle happened. I looked down, the needle had already penetrated my skin and I didn't even feel it! A little push to get the needle (only about 1.5 inches) into my fat and push the medicine into my body. WooHoo! I did it!

And I have done it every day since. Plus I have been on low calorie diet, that has virtually no carbs and no sweets and no alcohol. Already I have seen results, 15 pounds down, swelling is gone in my feet, blood sugar in normal ranges (without pills). I am pleased with these steps and these results. But I would die for a piece of pizza right now!

One of the people at work said, "Rayna, it's all in your head." The HCG injections jump start my weight loss, but I know that I have to work on my mind games in order to keep the weight loss and keep the healthy eating continuous. As I have written before, I am not so-good about perseverance, so this will be a challenge. Can I do this?

Stick with it!

2011-11-20T20:33:00.000-06:00

Perseverance has never been my forte'. My claim to fame is that the only thing I have stuck-with for a long time is my husband! :) Everything else gets abandoned in a few short weeks or years. I can't even count how many books I have started and never finished. Part of me says, "So what?" Another part of me says, "Why me?" Why can't I stick with anything?

Am I afraid of endings, completions or success? I don't think so. Am I just bored after a certain time? Maybe. It's a puzzling aspect of my life that I wonder if it will ever change. Who knows.

I feel quite well after six days on this new "journey." So, I'm also getting paranoid about and questioning myself "When is the ball going to drop and stop me in my tracks?" Hmmm. Interesting. One day at a time.

Time will Tell!

2011-11-16T22:06:00.000-06:00

I just happened to review my two recent posts and saw that I had signed-off on both of them with the phrase, "Time will tell!" It wasn't intentional, but it must have something to do with my subconscious thoughts. One day at a time is my motto for the day.

Try it!

2011-11-16T07:27:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I did something I thought I would never be able to do and it went just fine. Sometimes the perceptions we allow in our brains become reality and we freeze. We don't want to move forward or do anything. We are frozen with fear.

Sometimes I am more frozen with fear when thinking that things will never change. So when an option comes around and I finally grasp at it, turns out to be not so bad after all. But this is just the beginning, so I don't want to get too excited yet.

I have been down this road before, getting started and not finishing the project. I lack perserverance! I can't stick it out for the long term. I jokingly claim that I've only stuck-it-out for two things - my marriage and my being fat! Through thick and thin... I should say thick and more thick... I have stayed married and stayed fat.

Time will tell!

Options & Opportunities

2011-11-14T19:36:00.000-06:00

There have been times in my life where I felt or thought I didn't have any options or opportunities. I think that there are always options, but I don't see them or I don't want to make the effort to exercise my options.

Today, I took one of those options and made it a reality. I must say I feel hopeful. I realize that taking that option is only the first step and now I must continue to make that option work for me. No matter what, I am hoping that this option will get me further down the road in good shape. Time will tell!

Old people

2011-11-13T16:21:00.000-06:00

Vince Gill (singer/songwriter) was asked what made him start watching his weight. He replied, "I came to the realization that you don't see a lot of really old heavy people. So my goal is to be a skinny old man."

How true that is! I live in a subdivision that is for residents over 55 years and our church is full of old people that come to the Valley for the warm winters. I don't either see a lot of really old heavy people. So what does that say about my future as an old person? It's not very promising!

I get so focused on the unfairness of not being able to retire at 60 years, that I eat to make up for the unfairness. It seems that I eat what and when I want, I can control that. Other things in my life like my retirement funds and medical insurance costs seem out of control. I can't deny I've been a "it's not fair!" person all my life. I can't deny I've been a dream-of-the-future person all my life. I have always had a hard time staying in the present and savoring the moments. Unless I am savoring the food of the moment.

Part of me has given up hope for a lot of years ahead. I've been told that I won't have enough money in retirement funds to last me 10 years, much less 20 years. So I guess I spend my money and then let nature takes its course? I don't know!!

On the road again!

2011-11-12T08:31:00.000-06:00

Can't wait to get on the road again! My favorite words from a good ol' country song. This time, I'm not talking about taking a another road trip to see the sights of the world. This time, I'm talking about my journey to feel and think better. I've had some very stinkin' thinkin' going on lately and it's affecting me in more ways than I'm willing to share here... atleast right now.

On this journey, unlike my road trips where I jump right into the action, I have to first pick myself up off the ground. It's a humbling place and a painful place to be, but I'm willing to stop groveling in the gravel of life's roads. The willingness to stop groveling is a first big step. This whole line of thinking reminds me of the 12 step program. One of the first steps has to do with "willingness."

You know, as painful as it's been... the pain becomes a part of me. It's familar and it's difficult to let go of the that. Letting go leads to willingness, I hope! I wish I knew the answers

What would you do?

2011-05-07T10:37:00.000-05:00

Almost a decade ago, our lives were upset by the terrorist attacks of 9/11/01. A week ago, I was pleasantly surprised to hear that bin Laden had been killed. In some ways, my life had moved on after the terrorist attacks to the point of seldom thinking of bin Laden or the al-Qaeda network of terrorists. The thoughts mainly popped up while traveling by air, with all the security regulations, scanning, etc. I would find myself surveying the fellow passengers waiting to board the plane. Are they a threat to my safety? I reasoned my "paranoia" to the better-be-safe-than-sorry philosophy.

Easter Sunday, a week before the news of bin Laden's killing, we were boarding a plane to return home after a week's vacation in Arizona. Standing in line to board, I heard shouting and I turned to see four men running towards the gate. My heart leaped into my throat and my first thought was, "I don't want to fly on this plane!" The men were of mid-Eastern descent with full black beards and turbans on their heads. They were shouting, "We need to get on the plane."

All the fears, warnings, racial profiling... whatever came to my mind. Luckily, the gate agent quickly intervened as the crowd parted for them and we all were silent. I am sure others had similar thoughts and we are all dumb-struck. At this time, I noticed that they were all wearing blue hockey jerseys and laughing at their predicament... being late for the plane. It seemed like a oxymoron... "terrorists" wearing hockey jerseys and laughing??? The gate agent told them that there had been a gate change and their plane was leaving from another gate and directed them across the gateway. RELIEF is what I felt. I can't deny it!

Yes, I'm glad that bin Laden is out of the picture. I think I speak for many of us when I say that our lives were affected by the 9/11/01 attacks. We will never be the same and maybe there's a lesson to be learned. Maybe we don't take things quite as much for granted. Hopefully, we don't take our freedoms for granted.

If those four men would have been flying on my plane, would I have gotten on the plane?

Yes, and I would have probably called my parents and as many siblings as I could, to say "I love you" before they told us to shut off our phones. Then I would have prayed that if it was my last flight, I was ready to fly to heaven. I have had a good life!

Shaken to the core!

2011-04-27T19:27:00.000-05:00

Last week some activities of our sub-division neighbors was brought to our attention. It shook us (hubby & me) up to the point of where we are still shaking our heads. A woman and a man from two couples decided to inter-tangle with one another in an affair. Now that happens everywhere and at anytime, but why is this shaking us to the core?

I have known people, even family members, that have had affairs with others and it's caused the break-up of marriages. These didn't bother me as much, but this is the first time that I have known all four people involved.

I have know people that have had affairs with others when they were younger and not married very long. These didn't bother me as much, but this situation involves people over sixty years old and one couple has been married 42 years.

I have know people that have hot and heavy sex lives when they were younger, but the libido wanes as a person ages. This situation involves people over sixty years old having sex. Does this give me hope or despair? Despair in the fact that being over sixty does not guarantee that your spouse will stay faithful.

Yes, I'm shaking my head in disbelief and despair. It's tough "pill" to swallow seeing two couples lives change so dramatically.... divorce, selling homes, moving across the country, and most importantly, never having the kind of relationship and friendship that there was in the past. Those changes are happening to the four and yet being a bystander to all this is not easy either. What do I say? What do I do? Who do I believe?

I do know that this situation has given a lot of us an opportunity to talk with our spouse and truly share our thoughts, feelings and fears. As hubby says, "We're stuck with each other." I'm glad and thankful!

Days, days and daze!

2011-04-06T21:38:00.000-05:00

Apparently today was Start! Walking day. I guess the "national organization of choosing what to celebrate today" decided that it's been three months since the New Year and all of our start-walking resolutions, so they made up a "day" to remind us. This week is Patient Access week, where we honor and celebrate the registration and admissions staff at hospitals, of which I'm proud to be a "member." Next week is Volunteer week, next month we have Hospital week and Nurse's day, etc, etc.  Those are the "days" that some may not have heard of unless they work in the healthcare setting. But we've all heard of Bosses Day, Sweetest Day, Secretary's (now Administrative Professional) day which is the day before Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work day. I have a nickname for these type of days.... Hallmark holidays.... a way to sell more greeting cards.

Speaking of days, we look forward to certain days, whether they are national holidays or personal holidays. Personal holidays like anniversaries, birthdays, start of vacation day and other events we consider major.   My "niece" likes to do a count-down of days until the events in her life. She counts down to weekend camping trips, annual family cookie bake, and other fun things. There are even count-down clock/calendars on the internet so a person does not have to manually count up the number of days. I have been counting down the days until vacation and more importantly the number of days to retirement.

Sometimes, I feel that I'm wishing the days would go by so fast that I miss out on the journey and adventure of each day.  As in starting to walk, I focus so much on being done with the walk or completing a mile, that I miss the beauty of the area I'm walking through or I miss the cool breezes on my face. I seem to be so focused on dates and times of the future, that I'm afraid that I will suddenly find myself old, with no recollection of how I got this old! It's like my life is in a daze.

Hugs!

2011-03-29T06:38:00.003-05:00

"Consider Yourself Hugged!" That's what my calendar says this month. Some people are really a hugger. They hug everyone or they hug tight and long. There is the frontal hug, where the front of both persons is touching. There is the side hug, where the hips are touching and arms are looped around the backs. I've never been much of a hugger. Maybe it's embarrassment over my large boobs or my large body. It's sometimes uncomfortable. For some reasons, one of the most uncomfortable hugs is from my mother. The reason I say "from" is because seldom will I initiate the hug. I think I'm angry with her. I think I'm afraid of her. If you were to see my mother, you would question my being afraid. She petite, frail and humped over with osteoarthritis. For some reason, I emotionally feel that when her arms are wrapped around my back that she's going to stab me in the back. I don't trust her. And since I don't trust her, I'm angry. Holy Crapola! Little did I know that when I sat down here this morning, I'd be pouring out this stuff. That's what writing does for me.... empties my soul on paper.

Weight, or did you say wait?!?

2011-03-27T13:40:00.003-05:00

The other night we went to seafood restaurant and pigged out on decadent shrimp stuffed with crab and covered in melted Parmesan cheese. Plus we had a frozen drink that gave me an ice-cream-headache. Felt stuffed to gills after that. Then today we went to another restaurant for their champagne brunch. Did not get quite as stuffed, but certainly ate a lot. How am I ever going to lose weight doing this kind of eating? Yesterday morning I had a thought, "I'm not going to get my hair cut until I lose 30 pounds." Then this image of myself came to mind.... an eighty year old lady with long gray hair trailing behind her. Not a pretty sight, but realistic! I know that most of the weight-loss articles tell a person to think positive as in, "Upon losing 10 pounds, I'm going to treat myself to a pedicure." Heck! I treated myself to a pedicure yesterday for making it through a work week without hurting myself or someone else! Now, I've got a trip planned in December to the Caribbean and a sailing boat cruise. So what do I think about, "I wonder if I can lose 30 pounds by then?" I know! It has to be a lifestyle change. But I've got almost 60 years of life style to change! I know! It's just one day/step at a time. But I don't make it through one day and I don't take that first step. I know. It only takes 30 days to develop a habit. But I can easily break a good habit even after 30 days. I walked every day for over 3 months, missed one week and have rarely walked a mile since. I know how to lose weight and exercise. But do I want to lose weight and exercise? Apparently not. I think I'll just wait until after vacation to think about this again!

Travel

2011-03-24T20:08:00.003-05:00

Anyone that knows me well, knows that my theme song is Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again." I love to travel & explore new roads and re-visit old roads. Next month, Paul & I will be in Arizona for a week. We're going to the Grand Canyon for a couple of days. It was ironic that today at work, I spoke with two other people going to the Grand Canyon within a few months. Neither Paul or I have been to the Grand Canyon for 30+ years, so we're looking forward to it. What's comforting, yet amazing is that the canyon itself will be just the same. It's the rim area around it that will have become overgrown with hotels and businesses, right? Time will tell.

Our neighbor has been bringing over their RV magazines as they finish reading them. They lived full-time in an RV and then sold it all. Then they built a house here in our subdivision and within a week, they bought another RV. :) They realized it was in their blood and couldn't resist buying another. I know that RV'ing has been in my blood for years, just don't have the RV to fulfill that dream/desire. My dream wish was for a little gypsy wagon to pull behind my car. I do want to go a little faster than horses. I'd park it in canyon by a slow-moving river and watch the sunset (probably have to take a few photos) and then watch the moon and stars put on their nightly show. No mosquitos, just coyotes howling in the distance. Oh my!

We are fortunate that we have options for the life we have ahead. We can go down any road we want and stop when we want. The open road awaits us, I wonder what's around the corner??

It's About Time

2011-03-21T07:08:00.002-05:00

It's been over a year since I posted any comments on my blog. It's about time I get back in the writing mode. Facebook doesn't allow me to go to any length on my comments and I can "sermonize" like the best of them. :)

What's been happening in my life since last March? Alot of travel and fun, working, and still trying to have peace in my life. I've been reading lately that people who have peace and serenity in their lives often achieve it by giving to others. Giving of their time, talents and treasures. Umm! Sounds like "stewardship." Sounds like "volunteering." Sounds like giving is the key to serenity. Yet we want serenity and peace, we want more. How does that work? In order to get or gather into ourselves, we need to give to others? In order to wrap our arms around ourselves with peace and serenity, we need to open our arms to others. Seems like opposites attract, right?

Just a Piece of Bread

2010-03-08T21:51:00.002-06:00

Jesus feed the Five Thousand. Who hasn't heard or read that Bible story? Let me refresh your memory, from the book of Matthew.

After John the Baptist is beheaded, Jesus heard what had happened; he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick. As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, "This is a remote place, and it's already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the village and buy themselves some food."

Jesus replied, "They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat."

"We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish," they answered. "Bring them here to me," he said. And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the
loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. Matthew 14: 13-20
Jesus was grieving the loss of John, yet Jesus did not ignore the people in the crowds. He "had compassion" and he use his Heavenly Gift and "healed their sick." Then he wanted the crowds to stay and instructed the disciples to "give them something to eat." They told Jesus there were "five loaves of bread and two fish." Can we identify with the disciples? How many times have we thought or said, "I only have one night a week that I'm not busy. I only have fifty dollars left after the bills are paid. I only have one talent and that's such and such."
Don't we often feel like the disciples did? There's not enough. It's not good enough.
Don't we often feel like the person in the crowd that gave up their loaf of bread or their fish? "It's mine, I worked hard for this and now you want me to share with all these people?"
Don't we often forget to do as Jesus did, "looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves." There are two important messages in that verse. The first being gratitude and recognizing from where our gifts come. The second message is that even Jesus broke the loaves. He did not expect that one person would need the whole loaf, he shared broken pieces of the bread and fish and the crowd was satisfied.
Don't we often think we have to give so much, like a whole loaf to God and his community? Don't we forget that a piece of bread can satisfy us? Don't we forget that a piece of bread that we share with our church and community is so much better than hoarding the whole loaf for ourselves? Our Lord doesn't need our loaves of bread or fish; He wants us to share our pieces of bread or fish. Our church, our community is not asking for ALL of our time, talents and treasures. Just a piece from me, just a piece from you, and you, plus you. It all adds up to feed five thousand, think about it.

Baby Steps

2010-03-07T15:54:00.005-06:00

Repent is a word you read or hear about in church. One of the meanings of repent is "reverse the harmful effects of the wrong where possible." A month ago I wrote about my do-or-die feeling about my health. I'm now on medication to lower my glucose levels and a medication to resolve my acid reflux. I don't want to be on medications, in fact I want to get off most of them entirely. In the past month some changes have been made in my life.

Stop eating sweets - since I was taking by blood sugar daily, I figured that although sugar is not always the main culprit in high blood sugar, it probably does not help it. So I started to cut-down on sweets and then "gave it up" for the Lenten season. I have "discovered" fruit again and a tasty dessert is low-fat vanilla yogurt with raspberries.

Start chewing my food - one fork or spoonful at a time. With my acid reflux flare-up of a couple of weeks ago, I suddenly found myself unable to swallow without pain. In order to get some food into me, I started really chewing my food (over 20 times per mouthful) so that I could swallow more easily. I discovered that I tasted the food while doing this. I was able to savor the flavor of the food, something I don't think I really ever did when I would gulp down my food so fast. In chewing my food more, I found that I ate much slower, now hubby finishes way before me. What a complete turn-around! By chewing more, eating slower, I feel full or I get tired of chewing, so my portions have decreased tremendously.

At the hospital that I work at, we have a bariatric program and we perform lap-band, gastric sleeve and bypass surgery. A part of that program has a food program or diet. If you have these procedures, you can not survive or will have ill-effects, if you don't follow the above chewing process. Another aspect of the food program is to have a large glass of water 30 minutes before eating. Then you don't drink any liquids with your meal. At first it was tough not drinking any liquids with my meal, because I would drink at least one large glass of water or milk with every meal. Another complete turn-around!

I knew that I was a candidate for these bariatric programs because of my BMI (Body Mass Index) and my health problems, but I did not want to have surgery. I thought that since I would have eat and drink like this if I did have surgery, I might as well try it without surgery. I have been pleasantly surprised by the results. I taste food. I feel full faster. I love water (always have). I can live without sweets. I have lost 7.5% of my body weight since the beginning of 2010. The experts claim that even losing 10% of your body weight can have significant improvement in your body and your health. So, I'm excited!

To be truthful, I did not think or believe that I could do such a complete turn-around or "repent" - reverse the harmful effects of the wrong where possible. To be truthful, I did not pray or ask God to help me with this, other then my constant questioning Him, "Why can't I lose weight?" But I got a mixed-blessing in the acid reflux flare-up, when I had to chew my food. I've read that a person should chew their food enough so that you could take it and feed it to a baby. Gross, I know! But women did this for their baby many years before Gerber came along. Part of a turn-around is taking steps in one direction and then changing course and taking steps in another direction. I call this taking my baby-steps towards good health. I have changed my lifestyle. I'm not on a diet, I still eat what I've always eaten (exception sweets).

Baby, here I come!

Scared

2010-02-08T18:10:00.002-06:00

I think I'm getting scared. What do some people do when scared? They cry.

I am writing this to get this out of my thoughts and emotions. By placing these fears on paper, I can work with them rather than having these fears work me up to a frenzy.

I think I'm reaching do or die point in my health and it scares me that I may have gone too long, too far. In the past year I have gained the weight I lost upon starting this Peace Project blog plus ten pounds. In the past year I have virtually exercised none. In the past year I have been put on two medications for high blood pressure, and one medication to lower my triglycerides. In the past year, I was referred to an ophthalmologist due to possibility of glaucoma in my eyes. Of course, I've not gone as the doctor is not in-network with my health plan. In the past month, I have been instructed to take my blood sugar at least once a day to see if Diabetes is prevalent with me or on the future horizon.

Today, I suddenly felt very ill, light headed, nauseous, and had a head ache. So I did something so unlike me..... I came home from work early & went straight to bed. After a 3 hours nap, I feel somewhat better. But I wonder, is this the flu or a result of all my other self-induced health issues? As you can see from above, my score card leans more to health issues.

It's like, How long will it take for me to realize that my food choices have brought on the extra weight that I carry to the point of a BMI (Body Mass Index) that is Morbid Obesity? I'm no longer just obese, I'm morbidly obese. What have I done to myself? All these years I had the attitude that "what I want to eat, I will eat." Now it's time to want to eat food that will nourish me, not add to my weight or my illnesses. Boy! That will be a change. But, I think that I'm at the point when change is required, not just a desire.

2010-01-31T20:42:00.002-06:00

Got the itch to write something! Don't know what yet, just felt like sitting here and getting my thoughts out on paper.

This morning on facebook, I "signed" up for one of those "groups" that send you a daily message "from God." When I read it, I thought it didn't seem pertinent at the time. It talked about "not worrying about the future and getting a good night's sleep tonight...." At 11 am this morning, I had no thoughts of the future so why would I need God's instructions to get a good night sleep and not think about the future?

Things have a a way of changing rapidly some days as we all know. This afternoon, hubby and I took a drive out in the country north of here and went through the wildlife refuge (saw a bobcat by the way). As we were driving back, I asked him to pull into a mobile home park that kind of got us down to Texas in the first place... another long story. Anyway as we were driving around, we saw a very nice mobile home for sale and I wrote down the phone number. Hubby says, "Why don't you call them?" With the luxury of cell phones, I did that and before I knew it we were touring the place. It's turned out as nice inside as outside and then the thinking started.

This mobile home could be a very nice home for my parents to live in as several of the neighbors are from their neck of the woods. This mobile home could be a very nice home for hubby and I to live in if this home gets to be too expensive as we age. This mobile home could be a very nice home to rent to Winter Texans. This mobile home would add extra debt on us.

All of a sudden I do have things to think about that I didn't have this morning. What do we want for our future? What do we expect for our future? Hubby and I have been fortunate in turning over our homes and making a decent profit on them, would we be so lucky again? Well, now that I have these thoughts out on "paper," I'm going to just let me lay down and sleep now, OK God?

Two Weeks

2009-11-07T08:16:00.002-06:00

Two weeks is about 4 percent of a year. Not much, a person could say. Sometimes two weeks can be the difference between life and more life.

Thursday, October 22nd was the beginning of the Walk to Emmaus (Christian retreat). Eighteen months ago I was a pilgrim (participant) in the Walk and had a life-enhancing, make that life-changing experience. So when I was asked to be a part of the team leading the Walk, I humbly agreed. The Walk goes from Thursday night through Sunday afternoon. I quickly discovered that there were aspects of the Walk that I had forgotten, so it felt like another first-time experience again.

There are talks given by lay persons and clergy and the Holy Spirit was with each and everyone of them as they delivered their messages. I say that because part of our upfront training for the Walk is to spend four Saturdays listening to the talks and critiquing them. What was often a very rough version of a talk during our training sessions were talks given as if they were all professional speakers. It was awesome to see the transformation, courtesy of the Holy Spirit and prayers surrounding them.

The pilgrims are divided into groups to sit at a table with a table leader and assistant table leader (me). It was very evident during the first morning that we had some ladies that may require special attention and prayers. There was a lady with ADHD; an unemployed lady with Fibromyalgia and a victim of sexual abuse; an elderly lady that was a wife of a pastor who didn't know "why?" she "needed" the retreat. I wondered how the table leaders of my past retreat would have described me? A lady that is withdrawn, angry and bitter.

Sometime during the first day, I thought, "Remember that Jesus comes to us in all types of ways." Was He coming to me in the lady with flighty movements and no attention span? Was He coming to me in the lady that cried a lot? Was He coming to me in the lady that knew it all? How would Jesus want to be treated? I found myself reaching out and touching them, sometimes not saying anything. Not saying anything because I was not sure my words would be kind and considerate as Jesus deserved, so I just touched them to let them know I was here for them. And with those touches, I felt the warmth of love and acceptance flow into me. Jesus was speaking back to me.

I wish I could say that it was all rosy for the whole weekend, but I have to admit that by Saturday afternoon, I went to a director and asked for prayer. I was worn-out, worried and I just needed to cry and pray. Both the crying and the prayer helped immensely. By the end of the retreat, I could see and hear that the lady with ADHD had so much knowledge; the lady with pain could smile again; and the lady who didn't need the retreat could say "Wow!" and vowing to get her friends to the next retreat.

At the end of the Walk, I could only say that I felt like a woman giving birth, so thankful for the end of the process and vowing to "never do it again" yet knowing that with time the pain will fade.

It was Sunday evening and I wanted to relax, but there was laundry to do so that I could finish packing for our trip. Monday morning at 5 am, we were on the road to San Antonio (four hours) to catch a plane (cheaper airfare if we flew from San Antonio) to Florida. We were going on a cruise! I have tried to talk hubby into going on a cruise for years and he's had no desire as his "last cruise was in 1969 in the Navy." So last year, he found a cruise he wanted to go on and now we're going.

I had never been on a ship for eight days so I was uncertain on how my body would react and accept the cruise. Luckily for us, the seas were calm and I had no qualms about cruising. We left port on Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday, we woke up in Bahamas. Went snorkeling and based on the photos we took, I can not snorkel and take photos at the same time... my thumb was in most of the pictures! After the snorkeling, we partied at Senor Frog's. The next day we were at Half Moon Cay, a private island owned by the cruise lines to be used specifically for their cruises. The beach was awesome with sugary, white sands and turquoise water. It was so relaxing, there is no other way to describe it. Friday, we traveled to Key West, arriving in time to go to Mallory Square and take pictures of the sunset. Lots of pictures! Key West was celebrating Fantasy Fest, an annual celebration that involves costumes of all sorts and body painting of all sorts.

I remember years ago, hubby calling for me to come to the computer and "look at this." When I first viewed the photos, I thought, "what beautiful costumes" people in the photos were wearing. Then hubby said, "they are not costumes, it's painted on their body." Wow! Very unique. These photos intrigued both of us and Fantasy Fest was one of the reasons he decided on this particular cruise trip.

Anyway, the cruise stayed in Key West for two days so we got to view all kinds of costumes and paintings, strolling the streets and watching the parade. Hubby opted for a couple of temporary tattoos on his chest courtesy of Captain Morgan's Rum, sponsor of the Fantasy Fest. We also toured Mel Fisher's museum and got to view some of the ship-wreck treasures.

Sunday was a day at sea and a day of rest, reading, and spending time by the pool. Monday, we woke up in Cozumel and we took a fast ferry to the Mexico mainland, Playa del Carmen. We boarded a bus there for an hour-long bus ride to Tulum, site of an ancient Mayan ruins. The ruins were fascinating, situated right by the ocean. Got a chance to go down to the beach below the ruins and cool off.

Tuesday was another day at sea and hubby's birthday. He started the day reading a book (his favorite activity) out on the balcony of our stateroom and in the evening we had a birthday dinner and last stroll out on the deck watching the full moon shimmer on the ocean. What a way to end the cruise.

Wednesday, we woke up Fort Lauderdale, Florida port and spent the day traveling back home. Thursday was a laundry day and try-and-get-my-land-legs-back day! I was still a-rockin' and a-rollin' that day. :) Well, yesterday, Friday, I went into work and I feel so refreshed. I really missed all of my co-workers. They are such a great group of people to work with, I'm so fortunate that I could spend two weeks away and not have to worry about the running of our department.

Two weeks is only 4 percent of a year. Yet what wonders of rejoicing, rejuvenation, relaxation, and refreshment can occur in that small time span. It certainly gives the physical, emotional, and spiritual being a new PEACE.

What if?

2009-10-03T15:17:00.003-05:00

On my computer internet an advertisement pops up that has the headline "What if you died...?" It's certainly an attention-grabber as we don't want to think about death, do we? Today, I was listening to a talk being given by a member of our team preparing for the Walk to Emmaus (a Christian retreat), and the speaker spoke about such a revelation in her past. After having a near death accident, she came face-to-face with God in the questions of "What if I had died today? Would I be resting in God's arms right now?"

All her good works weren't going to get her to heaven, only faith in God. It's so simple, yet so many of just don't get it, do we? First we must have faith, then we can go out and do good works, reflecting to others what God has given us in time, talent and treasures.

I'm a hoarder. I collect (hoard) lions, photographs, house drawings, and books. I hoard my time, being selfish and staying home to avoid doing something. I hoard my talents, not volunteering to do anything. I hoard my money, not giving gifts to others or giving tithes to my church or food to the food pantry.

Yes, I have faith in God and know that if I died today, I would be resting in God's arms. I know that is enough, more than enough! However, would anyone other than God know that I am a Christian? Would anyone see God-like characteristics, qualities, talents reflected back to them? Am I a mirror for God?

Someday

2009-08-21T20:07:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow, I turn 58 years old. It seems like yesterday that I was celebrating my 50th! Where does the time go? This milestone - 58 - is tougher to handle than my 57th. Last year I was just 2 years past 55 and this year I'm just 2 years away from 60. A lot seems to have transpired over one year.

Is that true? A lot has transpired over the past year?

Physically - I've gained weight again! Someday, I will accept myself as I am.

Emotionally - I've discovered that some people do not mellow with age, including me. Someday, I won't give a "dang" what other people say or do.

Spiritually - I'm blessed knowing that God loves me. Someday, I will become benevolent towards others as God is to me.

At the rate I'm going with the years racing by, "someday" will be here before I know it! Peace!

Getting Old or Getting Lazy?

2009-08-05T19:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday at a work meeting, several of us got on the subject of how many years of schooling it takes to get a masters in nursing or a degree in pharmacy. Every once in a while I think, "Maybe I should go back to school for....." Then I think, "Not!"

I have reached the point in my life where I don't want to learn much more. I want to just coast through my last working years and not tax my brain too much. That is somewhat burdensome to admit and somewhat embarrassing to admit. When did I get so old or so lazy or both? Even if I don't go to school, I still find that I'm learning on my job. Either it's skill and knowledge things that affect my department or it's personnel things on dealing with others. I wish I could learn how to turn off all the thoughts about work in the middle of the night or in the morning when I just want to get "one more hour of sleep." Some may call it "dedication," I call it frustrating! No more schooling for me, I spend enough of my hours at work, at least mentally that is!

Flip-flop Life

2009-07-18T06:31:00.002-05:00

I have a plastic flip-flop air-freshener ornament that hangs from the mirror in my car. About five years ago, it was a gift from a friend to commemorate our desire and our push to wear sandals to our workplace. While the push (to wear sandals ) created the result of administration pushing back and not allowing it, those of us renegades looked upon our plastic flip-flop as a symbol of our mission and our sisterhood.

Over the years, the freshener has died out on the flip-flop, but the ornament is still alive with the colors of bright royal blue and lime green. The bottom of the flip-flop has wavy grooves as if to allow traction if you could walk in it. The grooves remind me of the ocean waves. The top has indentations to show where your toes would rest. I really like that ornament! It's a symbol to remind me to not take life so seriously, especially as I'm driving to work with a thousand things on my mind. It's a reminder of the beachy or Jimmy Buffet's "margarita-ville" lifestyle that I'd like to have.

Then I remember that I already have that lifestyle. On my time off, I can wear flip-flops everywhere (even my church) and at any time in my climate. I have a house that's open, has the cool colors of blue sky and sand of the beach with lots of beach scene and palm tree photos lining the walls. On my time off, I don't have obligations of making meals (hubby so graciously does that) or caring for children or doing housework (I pay for that). I have the LIFE!

I hesitate to end it there, like I should say more, but "what?" What do I say? That at times I don't thank God enough for this wonderful life. That at times I don't realize how great I have it. I need that ornament to remind me to be thankful for the life that I have created with God's help. [Hubby just brought me a cup of coffee to drink while I blog... doesn't get much better than this!] What do I say? Yes, I have the life!

Wildlife Surprises

2009-07-12T05:39:00.004-05:00

There is wildlife everywhere, different varieties of animals and birds to see. On our recent visit to Wisconsin we were treated to some new sights. No, we didn't see any new breeds of animals, but we saw the same old animals in a different way.

Reflecting back a few months, we were taking my sister and brother-in-law down to South Padre Island and we showed them the spot that hubby and I had viewed hundreds of white pelicans. Having seen hundreds of brown pelicans at or near various spots in the Gulf of Mexico, we were surprised to see white pelicans, much less so many of them in one spot. My brother-in-law mentioned that he had seen white pelicans up in Wisconsin. We all remarked about that as it was nothing we had ever seen growing up there. Just like they never used to have opposums up there when we were young. So what a surprise on our trip up there that we were just a few miles into Wisconsin when we passed a pond and there was a white pelican.

The Trumpeter swan is another bird that has shown up more in Northern Wisconsin. However, as a child I never recall either seeing them or hearing of them. On a pond just outside of Siren, during the years we lived there, we have seen a pair of these swans during the spring of the year, some years the sightings only lasted about a month and the pair would be gone before summer ever arrived. Imagine our surprise when we were heading out of Siren on Fourth of July and passed the pond and there were the pair of swans plus four babies! I forced hubby to turn around in heavy holiday traffic and I got my camera and captured the experience.

Bears are another part of Wisconsin's wildlife. The sightings are sometimes a rare occurence. A person up there is more apt to see the remnants of what the bear has done..... ripped the bird feeders off their posts or rummaged through the garbage....the bear eats his fill and leaves a mess for the home owner to clean up. Usually this is done under the cover of darkness. One day we were driving into my sister's place (where we were staying on our vacation), we saw a bear walking parallel to the driveway. I quickly parked the car and ran into the house screaming, "Bear, there's a bear behind the house!" I took the steps two at a time to get to the basement to get my camera. By the time I got back up to the porch, the bear was halfway across the field and my camera did not capture much more than a blurred black spot in the middle of a green field. Oh well, I took a picture in my mind!

A day or so later, while having my morning coffee in my sister's dining room, I caught movement out in the same soybean field behind their house. There came two fawns and their mother deer. Before I tell you any more, I must say that deer are another member of the Wisconsin wildlife which with most residents have a love / hate relationship. We love them because we hunt them and they are good to eat. We love them when they stroll through our yards eating the grass and looking so picturesque. We hate them when they eat our flowers and shrubs (again, like bears it's usually done under the cover of darkness). We hate them because they tend to run in front of our vehicles and startle us and/or they get hit by our vehicle, which can cause thousands of dollars of damage.

I'm old enough that one of the first movies I may have seen on the big screen was Bambi. Who can forget the first sight of animals talking and doing things that humans did.... have fun, dance, laugh, have friends, cry. Bambi caused many a Wisconsin hunter's daughter to scream at her father upon his return from deer hunting, "How could kill Bambi's mother?!?" Oh my! Then those daughters grew up and hit a deer with their father's car. Ouch! All I can say is that I had a Bambi experience that I will never forget. The two fawns and their mother stepped out from behind the trees and we had a picture perfect view. This time, I did not run for my camera as I was afraid that I would miss out on their walk across the field. I knew this was a "take a picture in my mind" moment. Although it turned out to be more of a video in my mind.

The fawns and mother stepped out from behind the trees and suddenly the fawns started running in circles chasing each other. I just giggled and grinned. Then one of the fawns sprinted about 50 feet and stopped while the other fawn chased it. They ran back to mother and she must have told them, "You can't just run fast, you have to learn to jump too." Off the two fawns ran again, then they remembered Momma's words, so they jumped several rows of soybeans at the end of the sprint. They ran back to mother and danced around her and chasing each other in circles. Off they went again, both of them running and leaping across the field. Mother deer sauntered across the field, feeling confident that no vehicles or hunters were nearby to harm her babies. Again the fawns returned to the mother and then they decided to race to the fence to see who could get there first. Off they all went running, leaping, bounding across the field to a new life.

Thankfulness!

2009-07-07T19:19:00.004-05:00

In my last blog before I departed on vacation, I said I planned to relax and rejuvenate. But actually it was hubby that rejuvenated, as he ended up in the Heart Institute in Minneapolis, where's he been a patient before. They ended up opening up two arteries that were 90 - 95% blocked with two stents. It's not the type of "rejuvenation" that one often thinks of, but it works.

My thoughts about vacation are ones of thankfulness.

Thankful that hubby's heart attack did not happen in the middle of Kansas, where we would have been unfamiliar with the hospitals and had no loving support from family nearby.

Thankful that hubby had a heart attack and NOT cardiac arrest.

Thankful that the heart attack did happen within miles of my previous employer and a great hospital. Also, the heart hospital where he was transferred to had all of hubby's medical records from previous heart treatment.

Thankful that family and friends were close by to offer support and prayers.

Thankful that I was still able to attend nephew/godson, David's graduation party.

Thankful that we were still able to do some visiting and having good times after hubby was released from hospital.

Thankful that we could actually witness a celebration of a marriage that has lasted sixty years, my parents.

Thankful that my hubby AND both of my parents are alive and well.

Thankful that we had a safe car trip up to Wisconsin and back again. 4200 + miles on this road trip.

Thankful for air conditioning when it's over 100 degrees when we got home.

Thankful that I had nine work days off and whatever problems await me at work will have to wait until tomorrow. I have a few more hours of relaxation and rejuvenation.

Vacation

2009-06-23T20:53:00.003-05:00

Vacation: A period of time devoted to pleasure, rest or relaxation;
especially, such a period during which a working person is exempt from work but collects his pay.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) I'm leaving work early and we start our drive to Wisconsin. We should get north of San Antonio before we rest tomorrow night. Yes, if a person looks at map and finds San Antonio in southern Texas, we're four driving hours below that! Getting through Texas is almost half of our driving time to get Up North.

Thursday is the official start of vacation and nine work days off plus four weekend days. I haven't had that much time off since I moved here almost three years ago and did not have a job. Looking forward to time to relax and rejuvenate. Yea!

Fathers

2009-06-21T18:16:00.003-05:00

They say that a woman will often marry a man just like her father. Of course when I married hubby, I thought, "No way is he like my father." Hubby was my knight-in-shining-armour. Well, the armour has gotten a little tarnished and tired looking after twenty years. Even worn through so that I can see that under that armour beats the heart of man that is like my father. He's always right. And if he's "always right," then anyone can guess that I feel always wrong. It's a tug-of-war.

As any tug-of-war game goes, it comes to a breaking point or someone falls in the mud. Today, I threw up the rope and said, "I'm tired!" Of course, that caused him to fall backwards with a mighty, "What the....?" Of course, those always-right people seem to always question how they could not be right again.

Needless to say, I'm going to work on pointing out the instances where he's always right or contradicts a statement or decision that I have made. All is fair in love and war or in a game of tug-of-war, right? Am I right in this? I am right in this, aren't I? Right?

Doing the Right Thing

2009-06-20T13:33:00.004-05:00

I have done some counseling in my past life, both as a patient and as a counselor. Both have been beneficial to my health and well-being. I got to thinking about the whole counseling thing after yesterday's Go Red for Women luncheon (American Heart Association). After lunch several of us from my work place (a hospital) discussed the needs of our bariatric program, the needs of ourselves and our co-workers and the community's perception and reception to our program.

I know that my own health history (father with heart disease) and my own ill-health... overweight, stressed and lack of exercise only precedes my chances of having more heart problems. I already have high blood pressure. One of my options is bariatric surgery to lose weight and improve my chances of better health. But I'm just not ready to go under the knife. However, I know the reply to that could be... "You may go under the knife with your heart if you don't change."

Accepting information and bringing things to the light is tough sometimes. I think there is a part of us that wants to be kept in the dark and left alone. Yes, doing it alone and being independent is a life-long motto of mine. I don't share much with others. I don't ask for help or ask for support. Even my hubby learns more about my feelings, thoughts, fears, and accomplishments through reading this blog than I ever share with him. I'm a loner. But it's getting tougher and tougher each day to keep up that facade. I need to connect with people. I need to be willing to show that I'm human. I have the need to connect to others and I need to be able to accept that connection.

Therefore, I have been mulling over the possibility of starting a support group at work for others that want and need to improve their health. Support in the form of talking and sharing, caring and connecting. In many ways this is a selfish idea as I know that I have a lot of information that I have gathered over the years in my head. I have the "right stuff" in my head, I just don't have the heart to make it my life yet. That is why I need this support group to release that "ribbon" of information out of head and give it to another person and have that ribbon weave itself through our group until it comes back to my heart and that ribbon of information becomes part of my heart. Becomes a part of my being, my doing, and my actions.

Love

2009-06-15T18:40:00.003-05:00

I guess I'm a hopeless romantic as I like romance novels (though I don't get time to read them often) and one of my favorite TV shows is The Bachelor/Bachelorette. lol. I know, a person of my independence should get excited about something other than seeing 25 guys/girls fight for the attention and hopefully love of another! But, I'm hooked!

Speaking of "love," last night in my dream was my first love. I have not seen or even thought of him for years and there he was in my dream. No, it was not a hot and steamy dream, just interesting. Oops, hubby just reminded me that I "have 15 minutes" until the show comes on. :) I wonder if hubby sensed I was writing about someone else. I've had a few "loves" in my life and hubby has been my one and only for almost 24 years. We always save the best for last, right?

In less than a month my parents will celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. We were shocked when they made it 50 years as a good number of those years were quite rocky. Now, we feel hopeful that they will make it to 60 years. Of course, hubby and I will not make it to 60 years of marriage, due to advancing age. It's not often that any couple gets to 60 years of marriage, but those that do can probably identify that marriage is made of "sometimes it is a slender thread, sometimes a strong, stout rope."

People

2009-06-14T08:08:00.006-05:00

Last night hubby and I went to a show put on by a group called, Up With People. www.upwithpeople.org It's a group of 90 people aged 16-29 years from countries all over the world. They commit to six months of going to places to provide needed volunteer services to different towns in different countries for a week and then cap off their stay with a show of songs and dance. I had heard of this group years ago, maybe they visited another town that I lived in. However when I read that they were coming to the Rio Grande Valley, I pondered about offering to be a host family. At the time hubby was working a temporary full-time job and that would not have been conducive to hosting one of the group, so we did not become a host family.

Last night at the show one of host families happened to sit next to me, so it was neat to witness the pride that they felt in watching their guests in the show. The Up With People group put on quite a show with uplifting songs and rousing dance performances. Many of the lyrics were very positive and a common theme was You can make a difference. Reach out your hands to another. Smile, it's universally known as a connection between people, regardless of language or dress.

In today's local newspaper was an article about a couple that have travelled to over 100 countries. They noted that people all over the world just want to provide for their children and make a change in "their world." Their world may only encompass a village a few miles wide, but people still want the best for their children and family. When I travelled around the United States back in 1980, it was an adventure for me. I did it alone and camped in a tent. Most of the areas I visited, I had never seen before in my life, namely mountains and desert. I had spent all of my life to that point in Wisconsin and Minnesota, land of lakes, trees and hills with small towns every 5-15 miles or so. On this trip, when I got to the Southwest and found no houses, much less towns for miles and miles, I often wondered "Why would anyone want to live here?" But then I realized that visitors traveling through Wisconsin and Minnesota in the dead of winter would ask the same question. Maybe they would ask that question in the summer too, with trees encompassing your view and mosquitoes biting.

We, in the United States are so fortunate to have this big country to freely travel and see different terrains and sights. We have choices on where to live and who to live close by. Children do not have choices on where they live as their parents make that decision, but so many adults become accustomed to living in a certain place and never venture to another area, either to live or visit. So it's the familiar or the family that determines why anyone would want to live here or there.

Me, I have the characteristic of wanderlust. I bet those 90 people in the Up With People have that same characteristic. However, they have another important characteristic, compassion. The compassion for others regardless of language or dress. Compassion, to feel for others and offer aid and assistance. What an awesome combination, compassion and wanderlust. What a world-changing combination!

Complaints

2009-06-12T16:30:00.002-05:00

At lunch today, someone in upper management asked if any of us had Goggled our self? I told them that my husband Goggled me and it listed a national organization for work that I'm a member. Just for the heck of it, tonight I Goggled myself and the first thing that pops up is this blog. Holy Cow! I guess I'd better watch my words and thoughts! But what fun or freedom is that?

Anyway, I was going to write more about the survey from work but.... I just will anyway! You know you're getting "old" like that cartoon character "Maxine" when you don't really care if the bosses read about your day at work or not! I could be that much closer to retirement! :)

I mentioned that the survey did not paint a very pretty picture of me as a supervisor and in fact the one comment that the majority did "disagree" with was being "satisfied with supervisors response to complaints." Of course, I am wondering what do they mean? Is it a certain type of complaint that they have.... pay, processes, policies, people.. that I don't address satisfactorily? Is it how I address their complaints? We are not allowed yet to ask our staff for feedback, so first thing this morning I listened to a complaint from a staff member.

"Miss Rayna (many of them call me that, I used to think it was respectful, now I'm not so sure), so-and-so (a co-worker from another department) wants me to tear the stickees off the label sheets before I give it to her. She says it cuts her hands." At 8:00 am in the morning, I am not always at my brightest, so I said, "What?" as I scrunched up my face and eyes in concentration. She replied, "You know, the sheet of labels we use for the patients. It's got a strip of paper around the labels (she shows me how she takes off the excess adhesive paper that surrounds the labels and wristband); she (s0-and-so) wants me to take it off before I give it to her."

My first response... NO, I take that back what I wanted my first response to be was "So what!" But then I remembered that I do not satisfy my employees when it comes to complaints, so I must be careful here! So, I swallowed and asked, "What would be the problem with taking off that strip of paper before you give it to her?"

"You mean that I could do it just for her and not all the time?" At this point, my eyes widen and the eye brows go up and I'm beginning to wonder if someone got into the survey results without my knowledge and she is setting me up for a cruel joke. She continues, "We used to take the stickee off for Doctor S0-and-so because he didn't like it. Now he's not here and we don't do that anymore." I replied, "Well, I noticed that some of you still do this as I've seen the 'stickees' in the waste basket."

"Yes," she said, "some still do this. But do I have to do it all the time?" I took a deep breath and I asked, "Are you OK with taking off the stickees to help keep so-and-so happy? Wouldn't that be easier than having her be upset with you, especially since you have done it before for another person?"

"Yes, I guess so. So-and-so (another staff in our department) says that she calls him all the time to tell him to take off the stickees." OMG! I have another staff person that won't take the stickees off the labels, just to keep the peace. At this point, I'm not sure who is feeling and thinking more "crazy".... my staff, so-and-so from the other department, or me? They are right... 100%.... I do not know how to satisfactorily respond to their complaints. With complaints like this, who does? Maybe a primary school teacher?

Perception is Reality

2009-06-10T18:52:00.002-05:00

I have used that phrase numerous times in my career and in my life... Perception is reality. I got a taste of it today. A reality check, you might say. A few months back, employees at our company answered an employee satisfaction survey. The last survey that was done was in 2006, just before I started working there. So at that time, one of my first tasks in the department was to set up action plans on how to correct the previous manager's faults and mistakes.

Well I thought that department was doing well and that I had a good rapport with the staff. The results are in and I suck, to put it bluntly! Maybe, not totally, but of course to low-self-esteem Rayna, the results were hard to swallow. The majority of the respondents think I'm doing just fine, but there is that percentage (larger than I want it to be) of staff that just seem to think I do not do anything right. So, at 57 years of life and 33 years in the medical field, I have to change. I have to make improvements.

I will make changes, I have to make improvements. I have to discover what is their perception and how do they want me, their supervisor to be. I need to make their perception become my reality.

Sometimes, like today, I just want to say "I'm too old for this, let me retire." But retire is a few years away yet, in fact 1107 days. Yep, I put my projected retirement date into a count-down program so that I can keep track as time flies by... or at least I hope it flies by! Maybe my perception of time flies will become a reality. Let's hope!

Come

2009-06-07T07:15:00.003-05:00

"Come, sit a spell." - God

These photos was taken Memorial Day weekend in Seadrift, Texas. It was a municipal park and it had this line of palms by the waters edge. The bench was positioned for sitting and looking out the water. Calming and soothing.

I know a lot of people that say they worship God out in nature. I can relate to that. However, I find that God also speaks to me through his word (Bible) and his servants (pastors) when I attend church. So off I go... to church. Have a wonderful day!

Wonderful!

2009-06-06T07:02:00.002-05:00

"I don't want to make money, I just want to be wonderful."
- Marilyn Monroe

After just checking my losing lottery tickets, I guess I better start acting "wonderful." Acting it would be, because wonderful is certainly not a word that I would ever use to describe myself. To me, wonderful is someone with a exceedingly high amount of talent or compassion. They are gifted. Is wonder a gift? Is being wonderful a gift?

Talent takes effort. There are very few talented people that just let their talents and skills remain dormant. They use their talents, they try to perfect their talents. Compassion takes effort too. The effort of taking the time to express compassion and taking the time to allow the compassion to envelop another person, place or thing. There are very few instances that compassion can be given or expressed on-the-run.

It is no wonder that I'm not wonderful, it takes effort! Maybe that's why it's easier to "make money" than it is to be wonderful. Is it not a sad world where it's easier to make money and be mediocre (there's that word again) than being wonderful? I wonder what one thing I could do today or say today that could be classified by someone as "wonderful"?

Maybe, making breakfast for my sick husband? I'll give it a try.

Organization

2009-06-04T19:09:00.002-05:00

"Don't agonize. Organize."
- Florynce Kennedy

My desk is a mess! There's no doubt about it. I seem to get started on a project than another problem/challenge comes up and I set aside the paperwork. Too often that paperwork gets buried under another project, etc. Today, I had only one meeting on my calender so I decided to tackle one of my many half-a-foot high piles. I was going to organize my desk, which means putting lots of old notes and emails (of course I can read email better if it's on paper) into the shredder.

I had to chuckle when I found emails from 2007 in the piles! Oh, well! I did however find some "assignments" that I needed to do. Ouch! No sense in agonizing, right? How old does a person have to be to stop saying, "I'm going to get organized one of these days"? How many seminars on getting organized and handling multiple projects do I have to attend before it sinks in?

Today I did have successes at work beside getting rid of seven inches of paper. I was a counselor with one of my staff having some family concerns. I was a cheerleader when I got to announce the Employee of the Month for our department and send emails to the runner-up nominees with all the great comments their co-workers wrote about them. I sure hope that my staff can read their email on computer and don't need to print everything like I do. Otherwise, if you hear of a office fire fueled by lots of paper or hear of desk collapsing on an old manager, you'll know it mine!

Watch out!

2009-06-02T19:41:00.002-05:00

You never know what I'm going to say in this blog. I write how I think, in analogies and concepts and whatever comes to my mind. My sister has a blog, a very well-written, entertaining, humorous and often thought-provoking. To be politically correct, I'd better say her blog is always thought-provoking. My writing, on the other hand, is analytical, rambling and often raises more eyebrows (er I meant questions than answers) as in "what the heck is she talking about?" Sometimes I write for my "audience," probably more than I want to admit. Sometimes, I write to purge my thoughts and feelings.

Today's Wild Woman quote:

"I run the show and I'm a whole theater in myself."
- Mary Ellen Pleasant

That got me thinking about myself. I'm a "Leo," lion-lover, bossy, and sometimes want to be the center of attention. Really though, there are many times, I'm just fine with blending into the woodwork... at some parties or a get-together. I think that's why I'd rather do the hosting and entertaining as I can observe others (hopefully) having a good time and providing the food and drink. I have hosted a good number of parties in my time! Read, I did not write I have hosted a number of good parties in my time. But hopefully, it's both!

I took and created one of those facebook quizzes, "How well do you know Rayna?" One of the questions was "what did you want to be as you were growing up?" Well, I did forget one response and that is an actress. My mom & I used to stay up on Saturday night watching old movies and I'd dream of acting in a movie. Except I was not extroverted enough to get into the acting part, although I had a bit part as a French maid in a high school play. "French maid!" I was so naive I didn't even get the innuendos associated with my part. Oh well, there's worse things than being naive, or is there?

Halfway there!

2009-06-01T19:21:00.002-05:00

I realized the other day that I am now closer in age to 60 years than 55 years! Ouch! It's all a matter of perspective, right? Like if I don't make it to 60 years, then I will always be closer to 55 years than 60 years.

I have a packet of 52 Wild Woman cards with quotes on each one. So to get my creative juices flowing, I may use one of those quotes now and then to start off my writing in this blog. Got to get started somehow, as I need to get the juices going.

"The only sin is mediocrity." *** Martha Graham

Mediocre - neither good or bad, average, ordinary, commonplace. Parts of me are mediocre, but parts of me are adventurous and daring. The "lion" comes out in me once in awhile. Having lived in six states, visited 47 states, had so many jobs I lost count..... not ordinary or average. Oh well, like I've said before, "If I die suddenly or young, don't mourn. I had a heck of a life!" I have sinned a lot, but most of my sins do not involve mediocrity. Or they probably wouldn't be called "sins," right?

Everybody Knows Your Name

2009-05-31T07:14:00.003-05:00

The old TV show Cheers has a song with the phrase about being a place where "everybody knows your name." I caught a glimpse of that show yesterday while flipping channels on the TV.

There have really only been two times in my life that I frequented bars where everybody knew my name. The first time was in college, Emma's Bar, and the second time was a few years back in Tom's Bar, where hubby and I did the weekly Friday night meat raffle. It's kind of unique, I guess, that both of these bars have a person's name in their title, unlike other bars around (i.e. The Pour House, St. Croix Grill, etc).

I was reminded of this phrase last night as we had a couple of neighbors come over to play cards and we were talking about what's happening with our neighbors. It was not gossip, it was catching up on people's lives. As mentioned before, we live in a gated community of "friends 55 and over," so there is usually a monthly party at the clubhouse. Therefore you truly get to know your neighbors or at least their name. Working full time is not conducive to hearing about your neighbors, so it was quite a catch-up session for me, hearing about this person's trip and that person's car accident.

It feels good to be part of a community and know so many neighbors, I have experienced that only a couple of times in my life, my childhood in Cushing and a few years back in our Mudhen Lake Drive community. Based on my calculations of the bars and communities I have lived in where everybody knew my name, I had over twenty years in between childhood/college and Mudhen Lake where I was not known by name. But wait, those were the years that my community of friends were at my job or my church. Playing in softball leagues with members of my work or church, going out after work for drinks or going out for dinner, or participating at an in-home Bible study. I still found a way for everybody to know my name.

I dreamt this morning that I was leaving my present job and packing up my office. Of course, I found things stuck in my credenza drawers that brought back memories of this work event or that work event. The staff joked with me and recalled their memories too, basically saying, "we'll remember you, Rayna, we won't forget your name."

Yes, everybody knows your name! The everybody may be a family, a work place, a church, a favorite hang-out or a housing complex. I consider myself a lucky person that I have atleast one of those "places" or groups of people to go to that know my name.

My House

2009-05-30T10:57:00.002-05:00

A quote in Time magazine got me thinking....

"I'd just been on a trip to Minnesota, where I can only kindly describe most of the people I saw as little houses." Anna Wintour, editor of Vogue, on the prevalence of obesity in the U.S.

Oh girlfriend! You tell it like it is, don't you? Well I'm a guilty one for being one of those "little houses," suffering from obesity. Isn't that what people say, "suffering from obesity"? Heck, I have not suffered! I've enjoyed every morsel of food I've put into this mouth. Mouth, the entrance to my house. The door of my house is my mouth. A couple of weeks ago, I got pissed off at my dentist because he was complaining while doing my dental work about my "small mouth." Heck, I paid him almost one thousand dollars (out my pocket besides what the insurance paid) to work in my small mouth, quit your bitching! Well, I got that beef off my chest.

Speaking of chests, I guess my chest is like the living room of my house... large and open and clearly visible. Anyone that's been to my home knows that it's large living room with windows on two sides to basically see right through our house from the front yard to the back yard. I love the open, airy feeling it evokes to sit there. I have nothing to hide and my house shows it!

Going back to my mouth being the entrance to my "house," the door to my actual house is small too. It's not a double door or large 8 foot door like that of several neighbors. It's a standard size door with two slim windows surrounding it, like dimples on my cheeks.

I love designing houses, I do it in my head and then put the ideas down on graph paper. I designed the present and recent past homes we have lived in. I'm sure that no matter how many homes I design for building, I will find some changes that I would make in the future. In my present home, I'd change the size and some of the lay-out of the kitchen and dining area. It's true that I would like to change some of my house, my body.

Right now, "my house" - my body is larger than necessary and misshapen. Is it the type of house I would have designed for myself? No, but it's what I have to live in right now. Do I need to chastise myself for building this house? Probably so. Do I need to accept myself for building this house? Probably so. Do I need to love myself for being me.... right where I'm at in this large, misshapen house? Probably so.

I didn't think that while I was enjoying those morsels of food coming through the doorway of my house that I was endangering my house. However, this house, as it is today, is not the shape, style or square footage that fits peacefully into my physical, emotional or spiritual being.

What rooms do I need to change or remodel? Well the chest (or living room) is what it is and always will be, I can live with that. :) The stomach (kitchen and dining room) needs some changes, mainly internal. Internal, as in what types of foods I allow into these rooms, more veggies and fruits. The buttocks and thighs (bedroom) needs some action, as in exercise of all kinds. My head is the foundation of my house and contains the entrance to my house (mouth) and it needs to be relied on to provide safe and sane thoughts and decisions, a solid basis for my life.

Well, thanks Anna Wintour, editor of Vogue for shaking up my household. You're right, there are "people as little houses" all over this country, but not just Minnesota.

A Dream of Heaven

2009-05-25T19:10:00.002-05:00

There are no roads of gold or pearly gates in heaven - I've been there.

The "road" is a railroad track that the train comes through the last dark tunnel and drops off the souls with lightening speed. I stand there stunned. There are no pearly gates, it's a train depot platform and I'm surprised. The buildings around are small and colorful - every color of the rainbow- vibrant and vivid. I wonder - am I in a Mexican village? But the languages I hear people speaking are all types. What's amazing is I can understand them, all of them. I do not have long to be wondering where I am or who I'll know or worry if I'll be fearful? People come up to me and greet me by name and say, "Welcome" "We've been expecting you." "What took you so long?" The hugs, kisses, and hand shakes fill me with warmth beyond all understanding. The people guide me to the edge of the platform and I see flowers everywhere. I look for a path between the flowers to step down to avoid stepping on the flowers, but the realization hits me - I need no path to take me anywhere - I have arrived! Stepping on the flowers is like stepping on Mom and Dad's bed mattress years ago as a child - soft, springy and a little uneven at first. But then the walking becomes natural. I look back and see the flowers spring back to their full beauty, my footprint disappears. On earth I worried about what kind of "footprint" I would leave and I now I realize it doesn't matter. I can feel love and acceptance everywhere - all around me. Yet I soon realize it's not about "me." Here in heaven, there is no better, worse, bigger, smaller, richer, or poorer - all are equal. It's so freeing. I wonder why I struggled on earth when this glory was my ultimate destination?

Happy Day!

2009-05-02T08:51:00.002-05:00

Happy Saturday! The colors on this picture just makes me want to smile. These flowers were in a fountain... see the coins in the lower left corner sitting on bottom of fountain. Make a wish for today, let it happen.

BUSY vs LAZY

2009-03-28T09:08:00.003-05:00

Busy versus Lazy

I've been thinking of this subject for a week now, but I'm been too busy to sit down and write about it. Over the past three months, I have not blogged much, photographed much and more importantly I have not contacted family and friends via email or phone. I've been busy!

Yes, I've hosted my parents for two months. But busy, not really! Sure, I went with them to a few nighttime shows in the Valley, but really nothing that prevented me from contacting others. Why have I not done those things that I love and "need" to do? I'm lazy.

About a week ago at work, one of my co-workers made a mistake. I asked her, how did this happen? Her reply was that "Sometimes we're so busy, I don't really look at the order, I just put it in." Well, of course I had to tell her that "looking" at the order was a very important part of her job as the order has to be input correctly. Then I wondered to myself if her mistake was more a result of being lazy? Busy versus Lazy? Hmmm! I wonder where in my life I could identify with that?

It didn't take me long to realize that I use the "busy" term to replace doing a very important part of my life.... communicating with others. Truly, I have plenty of hours each night and weekend and I choose to be lazy, just resting on the couch, watching TV, reading, and doing nothing. At least doing nothing productive.

Oh, I know that we all need time to rest, but I probably abuse that philosophy a little bit too much. :) I guess awareness is half the battle. So, now that I have publicly admitted I am lazy, what am I going to do about it? Maybe, I'll just go and take a mid-morning nap! Sure enough, I just looked out the door of my office and hubby is already taking a nap in the reclining chair. It wouldn't be polite to not join him in the living room, now would it?

Spring Break Texas

2009-03-12T07:53:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I went to my Spring Break Texas at South Padre Island. It's my third year of bringing my sister visitor to the annual ritual of college students. I guess the third time is a charm, we actually saw a lot of people and saw some "typical" spring break action.

"Typical" as is.... beer bong in action, girls dancing on the stage, girls flashing their boobs, drinking, students gathered around their school flags, and even a girl getting hand-cuffed and taken away. It was all quite interesting. I went to college up North and during my college time, I don't recall any "spring break" trips or even talk of trips to the southern beaches. I think it may have started with eastern and southern schools or maybe Ivy League or Big Ten schools. Maybe, I'll do a Google search on that later.

Anyway, my main point of this blog is.... the guys were all wearing board shorts. When did speedos go out of style?? :) Hubby and brother-in-law had a good time viewing the skimpy bikinis (are they even called "bikini" any more) on all the girls and sister and I had board shorts to look at. Not much skin showing on the guys, unless you're a "chest" or "back" man. There was one lone guy that had on a speedo-type of brief, but gosh did he look out of place.

Oh well, it was still fun! At the restaurant later, we met cousin, her husband, daughter & friend for dinner. There, the guys were treated to more eye-candy in the form of two other diners with tops that only covered one half of the boobs. My brother-in-law even set up the camera on the table so that he could hopefully get a shot as one of them walked by.

I apologize to sister and her hubby that have visited the previous two years and didn't get one-tenth the sights or action we had this year. Maybe it's because she and her husband are too young? It's we oldest family members that really needed this spring break?!?

Sorry, but even though I have posted pictures before on my blog, I don't have any pictures of this action, I left my camera in the car! Go figure!

A Dash of Life

2009-02-28T08:10:00.002-06:00

A little dash of this and a little dash of that! Usually we use this phrase in referring to salt and the other ingredients in the recipes of life. However have you ever thought about the dash that will be on your tombstone? You know the one between the year you were born and the year you die?

There is an excellent poem written by Linda Ellis call the The Dash Poem. It describes the dash --
"For that dash represents all the time
That she (you) spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth."

I have been thinking quite a bit lately about my dash, what my life represents. Recently I had two younger lady friends, one from work and one from church, lose their husbands to death within the same week. I attended the "wake" of one and the memorial service of the other. It's interesting to hear what people say about the deceased. What would they say about me?

There is an old saying, "Death comes in threes." With the these two men dying, I wondered aloud what the third death would be? Paul's car died (dead battery) that week and I jokingly thought "that must be the third death." Regretfully, another person I know died that week and I just read her obituary today. She was a lady younger than me that died of cancer. She and her young daughter were a couple of the constant participants in the weekly fund-raising meat raffle that hubby and I worked at in Wisconsin for over two years. In her obituary, it referred to her pranks and antics at Tom's Bar. Yes, I remember well.... when we would announce the winning number, Sissy would shout, "I won, I won!" It didn't take long to realize that she was joking. But her attitude on life was that she truly did win!

I have been feeling out-of-sorts lately, even before these deaths, wondering what my purpose is? Wondering what my "dash" will mean? Wondering about a lot of things. I feel like I should be doing more than working 40 + hours a week, coming home to read and watch TV. But I don't seem to have the energy to do much more. I know they say if do something, it spends energy, but it also creates more energy. Right now, I am quite stagnant.

Life

2009-02-26T19:55:00.003-06:00

So much for resolutions...... I reviewed my last post on New Year's Day and I have to laugh! Did I do any of those for even a week? I can't remember. Speaking of resolutions, my sister who blogs daily has been writing a lot of eating, dieting, exercising, etc. I'm sure she weighs a at least 120 pounds less than I do and yet she is more concerned about her weight than I am. I am seventeen years older than her and I don't want to see her fretting over weight until she's my age. Life's too short to worry about some things. Granted, life will possibly be a lot shorter if a person continues to carry excess weight around. But part of me doesn't care anymore! Or do I?

In response (comment) to my sister's recent blog I wrote.... "Girl! What you need to "give up" is worrying about being fat! Let it go, like me. I rather enjoy the heavy breathing I do when I move around. My hubby rather "enjoys" my skin-tight clothes and the "love handles." My employer enjoys the money I spend on lunches and breakfasts in the cafeteria. My druggist enjoys the money I spend on high blood pressure medicine. Life being fat and NOT fretting over it is really quite enjoyable. You ought to try it, you might like it!"

My intent was to really tell my sister that I was concerned about her thinking about her weight and what she eats all the time. It can become an obsession (an addiction) and believe me, our family genes carry plenty of addictive behaviors. I have periodically obsessed (called diets) for years about what I'm eating, what I weigh and I continue to gain weight. I don't want her to end up like me, weighing 120 pounds more than now. However, I think my sarcastic sub-conscious mind took over in my message and before I knew it, I was writing very flippantly about some serious stuff (heavy breathing & high blood pressure). I do realize that there has to be a balance here.... concern about weight and what I eat, but not an obsession that takes over my life, day & night. I wonder how and when I will get that balance??

New Year, New Day, New Me!

2009-01-01T19:48:00.003-06:00

Happy New Year! Happy New Day! The infamous day we resolve to do more or do less or change something in our lives. I am one of thousands of people that are probably publicly (as in a blog) pronouncing my resolutions or writing it down or saying to another person.

No matter what happens, I do know that this year and this day will continue to roll on, I can't change that. However, I can only change me or my attitude towards me. If you have been following this blog, you will know that I started out with a resolution to obtain peace in my life. Peace in my physical, emotional and spiritual beings.

The year 2008 ended on a positive note, even if I have gained back almost all the weight I lost last year. But the "positive note" is that the weight gain does not make me a "failure." It does not determine the kind of person I am and how I treat others.

In the past year, I allowed the love of Jesus to come into my life, accepting His free gift again. The action of "allowing" and "accepting" began my transformation into believing that I am worthwhile. That was a positive key to my spiritual health and spiritual peace.

Then I have read several books that re-affirmed to me that I can choose to feel and act how I want. I have choices, I have options. I do not have to be tied to external forces, opinions or attitudes of others. That was emotionally freeing, a feeling of peace.

The third thing that happened and I will admit I did not think it would make any difference in my health, but it certainly appears to be so. Maybe, it's psychological and not physical, but the doctor put me on blood pressure medication and I feel calm. I wonder if my body working so hard (with the high blood pressure) made me jittery and nervous? Regardless, I have a physical peace that feels great.

So, today I start off the new year with my resolutions. I plan to have positive, "add" or "more" resolutions, no negative or "can't have" resolutions! The more I say NO to myself, the more I rebel and fail.
1. Drink more water.
2. Eat more vegetables, raw & steamed
3. Eat at least one serving of fruit per day
4. Write in my journal (or blog) at least once a week.
5. Do a Bible or meditative study at least once a week.

Sounds easy enough, but that's OK because I can gain benefits to my health - physical, emotional and spiritual which will all bring me peace.

Christmas Prayer

2008-12-25T07:52:00.002-06:00

Here's a prayer/blessing from our church's Christmas Eve service that I thought I'd share.....

Praise God from whom all blessing flow!
Praise God, all creatures here below!
You are the shepherds telling the story
We tell it in the streets and across the land.
You are the wise ones worshiping with thanksgiving,
We worship with gifts of song and service, talents and treasures.
You are the angels announcing peace.
We live with joy and go now in peace.

JOY

2008-12-21T18:27:00.003-06:00

JOY!

It's a word that we don't use very often in our everyday language. We use the word joy or rejoice often in speaking and singing about Christmas and Easter. Christmas, a time to celebrate Jesus the Messiah's birth and Easter, a time to celebrate Jesus the Christ's resurrection. Joy is not just a word to describe birth or re-birth, it's a word to describe our lives everyday. If we choose to do so. How many of us can say that we live our lives joyfully? It doesn't have to mean giddy, smiley, thrilling or high all the time? But is that not what we often think of when we hear "joy" (i.e. joy ride)?

Joy means "a condition or feeling of high pleasure or delight; happiness; gladness; An expression of manifestation of such feeling." How many of us can say that we live our lives everyday with happiness and gladness? Oh, we all have periods or maybe just moments of joy throughout our day, week, month, or year. Joy is not just a gift of feeling delight, it's an action, an expression of such feeling. How many of our family, friends or co-workers would say about us, "He/She is a delight to be around."?

Living a life of joy does not mean that we will not face obstacles and challenges. However, can we take those obstacles and challenges and convert them into opportunities to share our joy? Sharing is an action, a giving of ourselves... our time, talents and treasures. Why not try to live your life "joyfully" this Christmas? Maybe even into next year? A Joyous Christmas to all!

Dear Santa

2008-12-14T17:06:00.003-06:00

I was just reading an article in Real Simple magazine with Letters to Santa. The letters were written by authors as they may have written in their younger years and even one letter to Santa as the author may write in the future. It brought to mind a letter that I wrote when I was 8 years old..... 1959

Dear Santa Claus,
I want some clothes for my doll. Here are the clothes that I want. A bride dress, some home dresses, pedal pushers, and a coat. And some pairs of high heels. She is 11 inches tall. She is 2 inches wide. I hope you will bring them for me. I will say thank you now because you will bring them for me. And this will be the only chance to say thank you. I love you Santa Claus.
Love Rayna, and her doll RoAnn

The letter was saved by one of the "North Pole" postal worker's wife. Yes, I named by doll after my baby sister, RoAnn, who was 2 years old at the time. It got me thinking of what I would have written to Santa at other times in my life....

1968, Age 17 years
Hi Santa,
I know that I have to say that I believe in you for the sake of my six sisters and brother. I'm the oldest and have to set a good example. Yes, Mom had another baby... actually twins were born in June. They sure are cute and they are starting to be fun! But, they are a lot of work, getting up in the middle of the night to feed them a bottle; going into town to do loads of laundry and dozens of diapers. I resent having to do that especially now when it's so dark and cold out at night, but it beats staying home and trying to do my homework in the noisy house. I know, I'm a complainer. Santa, just help me get through my Senior year in high school so that I can go to college next year. You can bring me a letter from the college saying they accept me. That would me nice. Help Mom and Dad find some money to get some nice presents for my sisters and brother, they need it. We're so poor and Dad drinks too much. Could you help Dad to stay sober on Christmas Eve? Anything you can do to help would be wonderful. I know that you don't really exist, but I just had to get my feelings out. Rayna

1979, Age 28
Dear Santa,
Well, I've been sober for about three weeks now. Taking after my father, just like my mother yelled about me for years now. But it's OK, I feel better admitting that I've been drinking too much and I can't control it any longer. Once I get started drinking, I don't stop. It's going to be a different Christmas this year, without drinking. But I don't really feel deprived as I'm excited about taking a trip next year. I'm going to wander off and see the country of the western United States for awhile. I have a job waitressing to make extra money. Santa, help me to make good tips and to have the determination to stay sober and really go on this trip. I need this!
Rayna

1988, Age 37
Santa,
Paul & I just need some things to make our first home together more cozy. For one thing, we need a window air conditioner in the bedroom. It gets so hot here in Georgia and that window air conditioner will help us sleep better. This place is an old house (about 70 years old) with virtually no insulation and a tin roof. It's quaint and we have painted and fixed it up the best we can. A new couch would be nice to replace the old, lumpy one we are using. Oh well, that's life and I'm so glad to have some decorations to brighten this place.
Rayna (and Paul)

1998, Age 47
Dear Santa,
This is our last Christmas in Georgia, we're moving to Wisconsin next year! I'm so excited to be moving "back home." We found land on lake up there and we're going to build a house or cabin. We're going to have friends over to our place on Christmas Eve as is our tradition, so as you are making your trip around the world, we'll be celebrating. Can't think of anything that we need this year.
Rayna

2008, Age 57
I suppose you don't get too many letters from 57 years old ladies, but what the heck? I'm young at heart or at least I like to think I am. I guess I am younger than most of my neighbors, who would have thought I'd be living in an over 55 community? This year, I'm not going to ask for anything for Paul & I. I have a good job and Paul has a good retirement; we have a house full of furniture; we have a church to go; and we have friends to visit. I would just ask that you bring my parents, that are both still alive, good health and safety. They are still independent. Yes, we kids sometimes think (and say) "stubbornly independent." But all in all, I'm so thankful they're alive and well. Help them stay so, will you Santa?
Rayna

Girls!

2008-11-10T21:07:00.003-06:00

Well, tomorrow the girls come to Texas! Yup! My six sisters are coming to Texas for our tenth annual Wild Women's Weekend. I don't think we will be dressed like the bottom picture and wearing cowboy hats, but then you never know what might happen. Last month or so, I shared a picture I had taken of seven beach beauties. That picture was hanging outside the ladies room in a marina in Wisconsin. This picture of seven cow girls was hanging outside the ladies room in a hotel in western Texas. The top picture is of my sisters and I taken four years ago at My Sister's Place, a restaurant in northern Minnesota, on our sixth annual WWW. We always make sure that we get pictures of the seven of us and I'm sure this weekend will be no exception. Well, until the festivities are over (which will be too soon), I will be ignoring this blog as I party hardy and celebrate Wild Women's Weekend Ten!

MEXICO

2008-11-01T15:55:00.003-05:00

Hubby and I went to Mexico today to browse around, scout it out, get some booze for my upcoming Wild Women's Weekend.... eleven days and counting! Brought my camera because Mexico must be another word for color! The dresses in the the top picture show the deep colors and rich lace. The bottom pictures shows the colors of a lively funny bunch of frogs. (I wonder how many other people bring their cameras into stores and take pictures of the merchandise?)

When we go to Mexico, we're wimps! We park on the Texas side and walk into Nuevo Progresso. So for saying we've been to Mexico, it's only about 1/2 mile from the border. Many of the signs are in English, yet the bartering and begging is totally unlike the states. Yes, in some cases, a half mile can make quite a difference.

We didn't buy too much, but we went to a restaurant that was suggested by neighbors. We were the first ones there for lunch and had the place to ourselves for some time. We treated ourselves to "two-fer-one" priced margaritas. Neither hubby or I are big margarita fans, but thought we best check it out for #2 sister who likes them. There were OK and then shortly after lunch was brought, the waiter brought two more. We kindly told him, "No, we didn't order another one." He says, "On the house." On the house, alright! The second one must have had a kick to it, more than the first because I felt it kick-in! Anyway, since the place was basically deserted, I was not sure what the atmosphere was like on a daily basis. Was it rowdy, noisy? Or was it a quiet, subdued place for lunch? So I asked the waiter, "If I bring my six sisters in here, is it OK if we laugh and be loud (which is quite typical of us) or do we need to be quiet?" He said, "Let me ask manager." Not a good sign, I think.

Well, he came back to our table and said, "Fine, fine, you bring your sisters here" or something to that effect. I had two margaritas under my belt so I think that's what he said. :) Anyway, I am really getting excited about my sister's trip down here to Texas for WWW X! Whoo-hoo! We will make our own "margarita-ville" in the southern tip of Texas! Come on down, sisters!

Memories

2008-10-30T19:31:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, my sister lost a dear friend to cancer. She wrote in her blog about the "hole in her heart" due to the loss. I have been so fortunate to have NOT lost anyone extremely close to me. Both of my parents are alive. Even though their loss was felt, my grandparents died at an elderly age. In response to my sister's writing, Mrs. Rahn, someone I don't know, commented on her blog and I share this profound wisdom today with you.

"Although the hole doesn't completely disappear, it gets smaller and begins to serve as a well of memories instead of heartache and tears."

Wow! I really like that! The above picture is one of my favorites as the flower has the shadow on it and it has a mystery about it. Flowers also serve as wells for moisture, bugs, bees, ants and pollen. Flowers symbolize many memories for me, thankfully, no heartache and tears. I pray that your day today was one of memories.

Grand

2008-10-25T16:47:00.002-05:00

The Grand Tetons. I will never forget seeing them for the first time last September. The mountains just pop out of the earth in a string of spectacular grandeur. The lake in front of them only makes it more picturesque. I wish we could have spent more than a day there, as it was at the end of our trip. Some days, actually many days, I wish for retirement so that in our travels we could spend an extra day or two someplace that interests us. But with the way the market is going downhill, it will be awhile before I can retire AND have money to spend traveling. Until then, I guess I'll just look at pictures like this and dream.

Walk a Mile in Their Shoe(s)

2008-10-19T18:47:00.002-05:00

The pictures show a child's plastic shoe made to look like a car. Ironically, I saw the shoe at a gas station that we stopped at in New Mexico. It probably fell out of a car as Mom or Dad opened the door to give their child a treat they bought in the station's store. It caught my eye because of the bright color, but also because of it's loneliness. There were no other cars at the station, but for ours and this little car. It almost appeared to be waiting to be filled up. Oh, the stories that shoe could tell. If I could, I would have slipped on that shoe and "walked" a mile in that shoe and have it tell me who it belonged to? Will the child cry when they discover their shoe is missing? Will Mom or Dad be mad or consoling? So many stories.

Six months ago I participated in the Walk to Emmaus. It was a spiritually moving and spiritually fulfilling weekend. One of my neighbors participated in the Walk this weekend. Since I have "walked" in her shoes, I wondered how her story would be the same and/or different than mine. Every one's experience could be similar or it could be vastly different. Years ago, a wise boss told me, "Perception is reality." It's been so helpful to often remember that phrase. I knew that no matter what my friend's perception of the Walk, I could pray for her to gain some insight for herself.

Speaking of walking, hubby and I started walking on Monday and have done so each morning. We started with a one mile walk and on Saturday, I did one and half miles. After months of not walking and gaining back almost every pound I lost last year, I was pleasantly surprised how easy it was to do a mile the first day and an extra half mile by the end of the first week. I know there are people reading this, that know that they too can "walk a mile in my shoes," as they have been on the roller-coaster ride of weight loss and gain. I could write and say, "I hope that this time I keep on walking." But, I can only take care of today. I have walked "miles" in my dreams, yet my plans fizzle out quickly. Therefore, it's today I will focus on, as tomorrow may never come and if it does, then it will be "today"!

2008-10-19T16:36:00.001-05:00

Busy as Bees

2008-10-16T19:33:00.002-05:00

Happy Bosses Day! Oops, did you forget like I did? I saw another boss getting a gift from her staff this morning and I said, "Bosses Day? Oh-oh, I forgot." Luckily the stores still had some decent cards and a favorite restaurant sells gift cards, so my boss was not forgotten.

Contrary to what I said yesterday, my staff must think I'm better than a piranha as they gave me a huge basket full of treats and really nice stuff like a bracelet, dove figurine and a beautiful mug. They must have been busy as bees getting their money together for that gift. I have a great group of people to work with and the majority give 110% to their jobs. Our jobs keeps all of very busy and I am thankful that I can say I'm happy on Bosses Day. Blessings to you too!

Speaking of blessings, my sister sent me an email to remind me that 53 years ago today, I was baptized in the Christian faith. I was four and my two sisters were 1+ years and the other was five months. We were baptized together, at the prompting of my paternal grandmother. At that time my father was a back-sliding Christian and my mother and her family never went to church except for funerals. So Grandma must have convinced our parents to have us baptized. I can still remember the picture-taking episode afterward.

Even though it was October, it was a warm day and the sun was beating down. The adults decided to prop the three of us on top of the car hood to take a picture. Back in those days, having a car was still pretty darn special. So any chance they got to have their car in the picture, so much more the better. Well, the afternoon sun had turned that dark green car into a heat magnet. They sat us on the car and it burned our legs. My sister that was a little over a year old started crying and the adults could not figure out why? They thought she was scared being up so high on the car, so they kept re-adjusting her. All I can vaguely remember is thinking, "Let's get this picture-taking stuff over with so we can get OFF this car!" I think the infamous picture shows me frowning and my sister crying. Happy Baptism Day! Fire and water, how appropriate.

Piranha

2008-10-15T18:49:00.002-05:00

Piranha. What a beautiful fish with an ugly personality! A flesh-eating freshwater fish! What made me choose this picture tonight? I told myself I'd pick the first picture that interested me and then I'd write. Hmmmm? Is my "personality" ugly or am I a "flesh-eating" person? Some people may say I'm "flesh-eating" since in my less than two years at this job, I have involuntarily terminated (politically correct words for "fired") two staff and forced two others to resign or get fired! It is certainly not the most pleasant part of my job, in fact it's tough. I am one of these people that always fears the worse.... getting fired. I came close at one job, but got a written warning instead. No matter how well people may say I'm doing at my job, I still have my doubts. I have my fears. My husband says I lack self-confidence, yet I don't always show it. I wish I had the thick skin of the piranha. Although some of the bulges on the piranha look like my face... on a good day. :) Oh well, self-degradation is a family fault that I also inherited.

Fire

2008-10-12T20:14:00.002-05:00

Fire, it can be warming, comforting, mesmerizing, threatening, killing and dying. The fire above is of a lakeside campfire. It provides warmth and entertainment on a cool October night. Unattended this fire will either go out of control and possible threaten people or habitat or it will die down to chunks of burnt wood.

Hubby and I saw the movie "Fireproof" today. It's movie about marriage and relationships between people. More importantly it's a movie about the relationship between God and people. There are many people that think that their relationships with other people (including spouses) is "fireproof," nothing can endanger it. However, a fireproof marriage (or any other type of relationship) does not mean that it will never have to withstand the onslaught of a fire. Being fireproof means it will be able to withstand damage from a fire. Fires come in all sorts of ways. Fire may be lust, greed, neglect, abuse, drugs, just to name a few.

How fireproof are your relationships? Can your relationships withstand damage from a fire? God gives us the strength to become the type of person that will build a fireproof relationship. He is our hope and our salvation.

Missing the Action

2008-10-11T10:15:00.002-05:00

Look there's a bird in the bird bath!

I whip my head around and there it is splashing up a storm. The bright morning sun makes the bird a mere shadow on the landscape. The bird is ferociously splashing that water and the water droplets make a glistening fountain. It's an awesome picture, isn't it? Something you'd see on a calendar.

Go get the camera!

I run to the office to get my camera and thoughts are going a hundred-miles-an-hour through my brain.

By the time I get back to the door, the bird will be gone!

Why don't I just stand at the door and watch it?

Here I am missing another wonderful scene!

I hope I have that picture in my mind because I probably won't get a real photo.

Well, that's all right. I mean all that I thought was right. The bird was gone and I stood at the door for five minutes with my camera posed until my arm and hands went numb. Therefore, no photo for you today. Can you see the picture in my mind? I hope so, it was quite the scene. :)

Land of Enchantment

2008-10-09T19:38:00.002-05:00

New Mexico, the land of enchantment. How about some colorful photo after yesterday's dreary and darkening blog? These colors are awesome and so is the state of New Mexico. My friend told me after our last visit there that the un-official motto of New Mexico is Land of Entrapment. That is because people keep coming back to visit and before they know it they want to live there. My first visit to New Mexico was 28 years ago and then a few visits in the past 10-12 years since Hubby's sister moved there. The last visit to New Mexico was in May and we drove through a small portion of it (it's the fifth largest state in USA). Anyway, after we got home, I have thought of New Mexico quite often and gazing at pictures like this certainly tug at my heart strings. Land of Enchantment. Land of Entrapment. Either way, it's OK.

Black-Out

2008-10-08T19:33:00.003-05:00

This is one of several pictures that I took inside the Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico. Some show a hint of something in it, some photos you can actually see what the rock formation looks like and then there are photos like this. A total black-out!

A black-out blocks out all vision or sight of what's before us and around us. A physical black-out blocks out all remembrance of what's happened to us. Alcoholics and other heavy drinkers may experience black-outs, where all memory of what has happened for minutes, hours or even days is gone. Their memories are as black and blank as this photo.

I had a "black-out" today. Thank goodness it was not related to drinking, however it was scary. I started to keep a journal of what I am eating, how I am feeling and what I am thinking as I eat. It gives me a tool to really see what I am eating, how much I am eating and why. Today, after a meeting there were brownies for employees to take. I "automatically" went and grabbed one. I use the word automatically because, I did not think about it, I just did it. As I walking back to my office with this brownie, I looked at it and thought, "I wasn't hungry, I don't need this. But I want this, as brownies with nuts are one of my favorite sweets." So I got to my office and quickly wrote my thoughts on paper at 11:00 am. At 11:22 am I took my first bite of the brownie. At 1:10 pm I took my second bite of the brownie. I went to work on a major project on the computer, then went to a couple of my staff offices. At about 1:45 pm, on the way back to my office, I thought, I'll have the rest of that brownie now.

When I got back to my desk, I couldn't find that brownie anywhere on my desk. You may laugh, but I did have to move several piles of papers to see if it got stuck under them. I finally looked in the waste basket and saw the empty plate and not a crumb of brownie to be seen. I sat down and truly felt shocked, maybe even scared. "When did I eat that last half of the brownie? How much am I on automatic-pilot that I'm not even aware of the food that I'm eating?" And I wonder how I have gained weight when I can't even remember eating? Yes, I ate that brownie basically in a black-out, no recollection of even thinking of having that last half of brownie.

Nah, my food is not unmanageable! Ha! What a rude awakening. Maybe this is what in 12 Step programs they call a wake-up call. 10-4, another message received from somewhere.... telling me I have a problem with food. Right now, I'm not going to beat myself up about it, I'm just thankful for awareness and tools to use. I don't want to share another black-out photo or story with you again.

Sisters!

2008-10-05T19:17:00.004-05:00

This photo is of a print hanging in a bathroom in Wisconsin. I really liked it because it has seven women ready to play and party, just like my six sisters and I will do next month. They are all coming down from Wisconsin and Minnesota to Texas to celebrate our tenth annual sister's weekend, more affectionately known as Wild Women's Weekend. When we all go to South Padre Island next month, I don't think we will be dressed quite like these maidens of the past, but we will be colorful. Colorful in dress and personality, I'm sure!

I'm the oldest of the family and we have one brother in the mixture. One of my sisters sent all of us a book of stories to read about sisters. It's sometimes hard to read because I envy the relationships that some of the authors have with their sister(s). I don't have a close relationship with my sisters and I was wondering, "Why?" I think it's because I ended up being more of "mother" with them than a sister. In fact the two youngest sisters (twins) that are seventeen years younger than me call me "the upstairs Mom." Don't get me wrong, I love that honor, especially since I had no children.

I think that another thing that has contributed to my feeling more of a "mother" than sister is the fact that I have lived away from Wisconsin and Minnesota for many years of my adult life. However, even when we spent seven years living up there recently, I still did not develop the sisterly friendships with my sisters. I can go months and rarely speak with any or all of them. But I know that come time for the big weekend, we will all start emailing and phoning each other as we finalize plans for the big weekend. When we all get together, we start talking like it's only been last weekend since we last saw each other. We all know the personalities of the other sisters; who will be quiet, who will be the life of the party, who will laugh the loudest, who will take the longest getting dressed, etc, etc. Somehow that bond is still there, in spite of long absences, we know each other, accept each other and love each other.

10-4-08 Ten-Four

2008-10-04T09:41:00.004-05:00

Ten four oh eight! That's today! Today is the first day of the rest of my life. This morning, I remembered the phrase "Ten-four!" from the CB craze of the seventies. I wondered what does it really mean? So I looked it up on the Internet and it's the official police term for "message received." The slang meaning is "OK."

The above picture was taken on my recent birthday. I look happy with my chocolate cake, don't I? The smile belies my frustration with my weight gain. I have gained back almost all the weight I lost last year and I have not been exercising. I feel heavy physically and emotionally. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I swore last year that I would not be this heavy ever again. Here I am again.

Yesterday, my clothes felt very tight and last night I had difficulty walking very far without having to rest my sore back. I think the "message" has been received! OK, I need to change my habits. Yes, I need to take it one day at a time, one meal at a time, perhaps even one bite at a time. I seem to plan big and act small. Let me explain how I work. I am a planner, always have been. I think of dreams and schemes and many ways to make improvements at home, my job and in my life and sometimes even other people's lives. I am not a do-er. I leave the "doing" part up to others, it's probably why I'm a good manager! My perseverance and commitment is zero, zilch!

No, this blog is not going back to my daily dissertation on my struggles physically, emotionally or spiritually. Today's blog is more about resignation. I quit! I get it now! Ten-four! Message received! OK! Life can not go on as it has. I need to change.

Hope

2008-09-29T19:38:00.004-05:00

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul." - Emily Dickinson

I don't photograph very many birds, except maybe sea gulls at the beach. This little guy was perched along the path near Old Faithful geyser in Yellowstone National Park. It was a cool day as you can see by the dark clouds behind him and his feathers were ruffling in the wind. I expected him to fly away the second the I stopped, but he let me take one picture of him. Maybe he was "frozen" in his spot and didn't have the energy to fly away. Anyway, I was rather surprised when I downloaded my pictures after that trip to find this photo, I like it. Even though it's dark and brooding, this bird speaks of perseverance in spite of the dreary weather. He speaks of "hope." I think this is a bluebird. Is he the "bluebird of happiness"?

I came home today in a foul mood, very little had gone right today, it seemed. As I was lamenting to hubby, I was glancing at a catalog and found the verse by Emily Dickinson. When I read it and I felt that there has to be hope somewhere in my job, in my day. I thought of this picture. Maybe, hope comes in a once-in-my-lifetime picture. Maybe, hope just perches nearby and allows us to ponder the beauty of it's feathers as they ruffle in the winds. Winds of change, winds of chaos. Maybe, even winds of contentment, if we allow it.

Yes, today I came home blowing like the wind. Blowing out words of discontentment and frustration. Once I "blew" myself out, I finally could sit and enjoy the evening and allow this little bluebird of happiness to "brighten" my day.

Fall Fotos!

2008-09-28T14:18:00.006-05:00

Fall in South Texas means that the birds and butterflies are on their way back to our area. Some friends mentioned that there were lots of butterflies at the Birding Center in Edinburg, so hubby & I went up there and then went to Santa Ana National Wildlife park today. The above picture was a complete surprise as butterflies seem to fly away the second I get my camera close enough to get them in my site. This one lighted right on my finger and then transferred to hubby's finger so that I could get something other than a one-handed camera shot.

The next photo is colorful, therefore a favorite of mine. Now we get to photos of the weird!

Look at the designs on this spider web! It's the most unique spider web I have ever seen!

As we driving along I made hubby stop the car as I saw a mass on butterflies on the side of the road. They were oblivious to me as they had their lunch of javelina sh_t!

Finally for the benefit of my reptile-hating sisters, I have included this adorable little critter. Look at his colorful throat, he knows it's fall. He's showing off his colors! Happy Fall!

Red or Green? Red or Blue?

2008-09-26T21:14:00.003-05:00

Red or green? That's the question (perhaps even the motto) of New Mexico when you are eating in restaurant there. They are referring to your desire for red or green pepper salsa with your meals. Choices! I took this picture of peppers, not in New Mexico, but in rural Wisconsin. The baskets were sitting on a vegetable stand on the farm of an Amish family. Just couldn't resist the colorful picture, taken last fall.

We're listening to the presidential debate tonight so I thought it's appropriate to also title today's blog "Red or Blue?" Choices! You get to make a choice, a very important choice. Like most Americans, we have our preferences, some prefer "blue," others prefer "red." They both have their positives and not-so-positive aspects. Choices!

The farm where I took this picture, that family also have a choice between presidential candidates. However, I think it's ironic that they will not be watching the candidates debate as they have no electricity. They will be reading about the candidates, not hearing or watching them. Their vote will count the same as mine. Choices! Don't forget to make your choice known by voting in November! God bless America and our freedoms.

Clouds

2008-09-23T17:31:00.002-05:00

Today in South Texas, it's cloudy and rainy. I enjoy taking pictures of clouds, like these over eastern New Mexico. They say a cloudy day is often the best day to take photos, as the harsh light from sunshine is not as prevalent. If there were no clouds, this picture would not be the same. Cloudy days sometimes are the best days to stay inside and read a good book or magazine. I think that's just what I'm going to to!

Thick-Skinned

2008-09-22T20:09:00.002-05:00

Tonight hubby told me that there's notice up on our community bulletin board that a nominating committee has been formed for our annual elections. If you have followed my blog, you know that there has been some dissension within our community. So this upcoming election ought to be interesting. I asked hubby, "What characteristics does a good board member need?"

His first reply was thick-skinned. Therefore, the picture of the buffalo. The buffalo certainly have a mass of fur that collects all kinds of matter and earthy material as the buffalo walks, lays and wallows in his territory. I think they are thick-skinned as the Indians used their hides to build their tee pees and it kept them warm and cool.

Hubby's second answer was, "They have to be able to listen to stupid requests." I think buffalo listen to that all the time. Here's an example. Buffalo are walking down the middle of the road (in Yellowstone Park) and you come upon them with your car. Buffaloes are big animals and take up most of the road, so it's difficult to drive around them as most of the park roads don't have much, if any shoulder. So at first the buffalo listen to our requests, "I want a picture." We humans take pictures, smile and cheer about our "good luck" in seeing a buffalo so close. The buffalo continues to slowly walk or he may even stop so that you can a great picture of his matted, grungy behind. Typical humans that we are, we grow weary very quickly with looking at a buffaloes behind or even his head, so we start inching our car forward. We think that will tell the buffalo to move along or even better, move over to the side of the road.

No such luck! Now, it's been 10 minutes and cars are piling up behind us. Someone way back in the line can't see the buffalo and starts honking their horn. Before you know it, there's no choice but to blow your horn too. To the buffalo that stupid noise is getting annoying. He approaches the car and before you can do anything, like back into the car behind you, the buffalo has put his horns into the car's grill and is proceeding to move his head up and down. Breaking pieces of the grill while he shakes his head, "Yes, I sure did hear your stupid request to move off of my road. Thanks for visiting."

That brings us to the third characteristic that hubby said the candidate has to have, "ability to be persuasive." After the buffalo gets off your car and turns around, he dumps his breakfast on the hood of your car. If that's not enough to persuade you to "get out of Dodge," I don't know what is?

On top of all these characteristics, Mr. Buffalo is kind of cute, isn't he? I think I'll let the nominating committee know that I nominate Mr. Buffalo for our board, what do you think?

Community, Come Unity

2008-09-21T14:06:00.003-05:00

This morning during church we were listening to a video of a speaker from another country. He was using a word that I have often heard, but his pronunciation of it was slightly different. Different to the respect that I wrote the word and saw another word in it. He said the word "community" but he pronounced it more like "come unity."

Community: A group of people living in same locality and under same government; A social group or class having common interests; Similarity or identity; Society as a whole, public; A group of plants and animals living in a specific region under relatively similar conditions; Common possession or participation.

Unity: The state of being one, singleness; The state, quality or condition of accord or agreement; A combination or union thus formed; An ordering of all elements in a work of art or literature so that each contributes to a unified aesthetic effect; Singleness or constancy of purpose or action, continuity.

To me, the similarities of the words are there. Come together and unify into a community! A community can bring unity to a group of people, a singleness, an order, a continuity of purpose or action. You may have heard the church being described as the "community of Christ." What a rally cry for Christians, "Come unity!" Come and join in the unity of Christians. Come and join in the unity of all people to a single purpose. What a more worthy purpose than peace on earth?

Speaking of earth, I chose today's photo because it shows a community, a group of plants living in similar conditions. In this case it was a nursery, green house as we call it up North. I just couldn't resist taking a picture of the colorful planters all in a row. If you look really close, you may think the picture looks "different." You're right, this photo was made into "coloring-book" format. You can see the black lines delineating the edges of the pots, table and flowers. In this case it's already been colored for you.

There are so many "communities" that we each belong to, isn't there? We have our physical living location that is a community. We have our employment community. We have our church or religious community. We have our social, fun-loving, "let's do this" community. We have our political party community,or maybe we're in a community of those "undecided." We have the community of our family, that may be spread out over several states, yet we have a unity that no one can take away from us. We belong to a certain lineage that is heralded whenever we get together. Getting together, coming together in unity creates a "community" whether it be for an hour, a day or years. Whenever you are in the community of others for single purpose or action.... isn't it great?

Even as each individual planter (in the picture) was dusty and flowers were not outstanding or abundant, together they created for me a memorable picture. And this picture reminds me as well of a memorable day plant-shopping with my sister. Come together with others in some way today! Enjoy!

Keep Out!

2008-09-18T21:10:00.005-05:00

Keep Out! Apparently the wind, rain, blazing sunshine and animals can't read as they have invaded this house in a Texas "ghost" town! I wonder what the owner is protecting by posting this sign. Perhaps they are trying to protect the house from a few more bricks being stolen from it's walls. Tonight, I found myself browsing my pictures looking for something that would "state" my mood today! This picture seemed to do it.

It's been a very busy week at work, with a heavy workload and a lot of other work being pushed aside on my desk. In fact this morning when I walked into my office, I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack just looking at the mess of papers on my desk. Projects and "fires" to put out seemed to pile up all day. One of my staff came into my office and I didn't think that I reacted physically, but she said, "You said, you have an open door policy." Then she grinned as she discussed one more problem (i.e. "fire").

Yes, sometimes I feel like my office is in this type of building, no protection from the elements and everyone can easily see if you're in or out. They can "invade" my dwelling. And yes, sometimes I wish that I also had a "keep out" sign. Even tonight my phone rang and I stood up, as if to go and get it. Then I stopped in my tracks and paused as I thought to myself, "Should I answer it or not?" My sense of commitment to work got the best of me as I surely thought the caller must be one of my co-workers. So, I answered it. It was an old friend from New Mexico and her call was a pleasant surprise.

Yes, some days, it feels like you have no protection, no roof over your head. It feels like the walls are crumbling around you. There are critters crawling on your floors and you wonder if you can take the heat one more day? But if you lean back in your chair and look straight up, you'll feel the warmth of sunshine on your face and you'll see a cloudless day with beautiful blue skies. Awwww! It's not all bad! If you look up, other things in your life will "look up."

Look a Little Closer

2008-09-17T20:23:00.003-05:00

Have you stopped to smell the "roses"? Do you take a close look at the common everyday things? Or do you rush by the flowers and barely catch a glimpse of color? What are the "flowers" of your life that you are rushing by or even worse, ignoring? Could it be your child or spouse that needs and deserves your up-close attention? When you really look up-close, oh what beauty and worthiness we see!

Silent Screen

2008-09-16T21:18:00.003-05:00

"Silent screen" is the term for the old movies without any sound or voices. Music was played on an organ or piano to accompany the action of the movie. This door and screen were photographed in a ghost town in Montana. The "town" was the perfect setting for good ol' western movie. But no modern movie could every re-play all the action that actually occurred in this town.

I wonder how many times this door was opened and closed until now it stands silent? They say, "If walls could only talk." What about doors? Doors have been touched by human hands much more than walls. The door has been closed quietly when the man of house comes home from the bar up the street with a few beers under his belt and a few less dollars in his pocket because he has a poor poker face. The door has been slammed shut when the woman of the house kicks her son out the door for being a no-good-lazy-son-of-gun! The door has held up the mother as she leans against it and sobs tears of sorrow for being put in position that she had to show tough love to her loved one. The door has caressed by the young daughter as her first kiss lingers on her lips from the young cowboy that just walked her home after Wednesday night church.

Did the door scream, shout or sigh when the last occupant walked or was carried out of the house and shut the door for it's final time? Was the screen door broken before they left? What was the story? What can the front door of your house say about you?

Football Fan-atics!

2008-09-14T18:47:00.010-05:00

It's football season again. In my family we are divided between being fans of the Vikings, right across the state border from where we lived in Northwestern Wisconsin, and being fans of the Packers, way across the state in Green Bay. I was browsing pictures yesterday and found these taken about 3 years ago at a family gathering where Dad's birthday celebration was interrupted for the Packer-Viking game.

The top two pictures were taken during the game and the fans reactions. My mom is the one in the back with all the beads on her outfit. The third picture is of my dad getting his "sympathy" phone call from one of his Viking daughters. The rub-it-in phone calls are a standard fare between these two!

The botom picture is of a Viking fan (on left) and a Packer fan (on left). Who would guess she's a die-hard Packer fan, even down to her underwear?

Are we ready for some football?

Welcome to My Ol' World

2008-09-13T10:23:00.003-05:00

This rooster says, "Welcome to my ol' world!" This tin rooster was and maybe still is situated next to an old house in Northwestern Wisconsin. It welcomed visitors, usually family, to my parents home. I started to write house instead of home, but thought better of that. To my parents, unlike me, that house is their HOME. It's the first house they bought after many years of marriage and renting. They have lived in that home for 43 years. I only spent four years of my life living there full-time before I went to college.

I chose this picture today, because this morning I happened to pick up a book, "Come Read With Me." This book is a collection of stories and poems written by members of the Northwest (Wisconsin) Regional Writers club, of which I was a member. Many of the writers in this club are people of my parent's age and they often write of their youth and things that occurred then. One story told of an old house and the happenings there for several generations. For some reason, it brought on a sense of nostalgia and sadness, perhaps homesickness, in me. That's OK, because as the story implied, things change. Even thinking back to my own history, I have memories of fun, happiness and sadness. We all do. That's OK, that's life.

I have this photo of the rooster framed and setting on my kitchen counter for several reasons. I like the oldness of it with the rust showing. The stars remind me of the Texas stars that prevalent down here. The deep red of the rooster comb and the flowers is my second favorite color and it matches my granite counter top. :) I have to put a smiley face here, because I value color coordination. Also, the word WELCOME is not commonly used in a greeting, but for some reason, I have often used that when visitors arrive. "Welcome!" Another reason I like the photo is that it reminds me of my parents. It's not great photo, technically, but to me it's a symbol of my ol' world. Welcome!

Waves of Gratitude

2008-09-12T19:42:00.004-05:00

This is a statue of Jesus Christ on the banks of the shipping channel at the end of South Padre Island. I was reminded of this picture tonight when I watched the newscast showing the surf at the Island as a result of Hurricane Ike. The video was taken off shore looking back at the shore with supposedly hundreds of surfers taking advantage of the huge waves breaking. The statue was shown in the background as waves pounded the jetty and splashed high in the air.

As much as I like excitement, I am sure grateful that Ike decided to take a hike up North! South Padre Island would be hard-pressed to handle another hurricane right after Dolly less than two months ago. Our home, at 75 miles inland from the Island was spared any damage from Dolly and did not even suffer power outages although other parts of our town, less than two miles away, were without power for days! Grateful, yes!

Gratitude can wash over you with a sense of peace and well-being. Almost like waves washing the shoreline of our lives. Sometimes that gratitude becomes huge waves that hit the shoreline with a huge splash and the spray flies up in the air, kissing whatever it touches. Or perhaps drenching whatever it touches.

Yes, we will see a lot of videos over the next few days, showing the huge waves crashing on the seawall of Galveston Island. Let us pray for those that are there or those that are ready to clean up afterwards, may they be safe and sound. Let us pray with thankfulness and gratitude if we are not there and we don't have to be there. Experience the waves of gratitude washing over you today!

Got ya!

2008-09-10T20:14:00.004-05:00

I have seen very few hummingbirds in my life. I have never had a feeder that attracted them. The flowers we have now in our yard have attracted some that have been fun to watch. That is if you don't blink your eyes very fast. They are fast and don't sit still for very long, if ever. I have always wanted to get a picture of a hummingbird and while on vacation we stayed a place that had a dozen or more hummingbirds. There were three feeders hanging from the rafters of an old porch and the birds seemed oblivious to people sitting right below them! So I decided to attempt to get a picture of them. After about sixty pictures (thank goodness for a digital camera) and thirty minutes of sitting still, I was able to get one picture that I'm not embarrassed to show.

What's the old saying? "Good things come to those that wait." This picture may be an example of that saying, but more importantly for me is my marriage. I met my husband when I was 34, just about given up hope to find the man of my dreams. In fact I had decided to give up on California guys and move back to Wisconsin "to find myself a good old farm boy and settle down." Of course I had no one in mind, but I was willing to give up the city lifestyle for rural Wisconsin.

Well, God had other things in mind. In the process of closing down the business I worked at in California, I met my husband. The man of my dreams? Not really. Older, balding, conservative, Republican, and divorced. The man of my dreams? Yes really. Compassionate, loving, caring, thoughtful, intelligent and supportive. He's the one that's been encouraging to write again. He's the one that "loves" my pictures and always reminds me to bring my camera when we go out driving.

So it's appropriate that I share today this picture of the hummingbird taken from the porch of the quaint, old hotel that we stayed at on our honeymoon twenty years ago and again last month on our wedding anniversary. The place had hardly changed. I don't think I can say the same for hubby and I. I hope hummingbirds stay the same, elusive to photograph and exciting to catch a good shot!

Moth & Butterfly

2008-09-08T16:58:00.004-05:00

Flowers and a butterfly. At least I think it's a butterfly. There are some beautiful moths out there and it can get confusing. According to my friend Webster (as in dictionary) a butterfly has a slender body with four wings. A moth has a stout body. I think the top picture has a butterfly and a moth.

Even though there is not a great amount of difference between a moth and a butterfly, they both fly and have wings and antennae. Think about the differences in our attitude towards one or the other. Historically, are we not prone to dislike moths? They eat our clothes, therefore the need for mothballs. They flutter around just like butterflies, yet they do so at night. Therefore we can't see them as well and they startle us when their wings brush against our hair. Moths are usually not as beautiful, therefore we don't often seek them out to observe or take photos of them.

We treat people the same way, don't we? People with stout bodies and are not as attractive are often overlooked, bypassed, ignored or shunned. People with slender bodies and glamorous colors or clothes are the center of attention. Many times an unattractive person will have a colorful personality. Perhaps as a way to draw attention to themselves. Many times an attractive person will have little personality. Yet they still draw attention to themselves. How do we judge people? How do we want others to judge us? Are you a moth or a butterfly? You're just as important and valuable whichever you are! Be colorful!

2008-09-07T16:10:00.003-05:00

Cactus: Any of a large group of plants, mostly native to arid regions of the New World. They are characterized by thick, fleshy often prickly stems that function as leaves and in some species have showy flowers and edible fruit.

I love flowers. I should say I love viewing flowers, taking photos of flowers. I do not have any interest in growing flowers or doing all of that work, just looking at them. I have hundreds of pictures of flowers. As I browse through my pictures, once in awhile a picture will make me spontaneously say, "Oooo!" This was one of them. Some of you may not have the same reaction or even be the slightest interested in a picture of the cactus flower. Isn't that awesome? So many interests that we all have in life? Isn't it awesome that God created so many different plants to have showy flowers?

Today in Sunday School we were discussing the planet Earth and how we are just a small speck on this Earth and our Earth is just a small speck in the Galaxy. The Milky Way Galaxy is a small speck in the Universe.... and on and on! God made the prickly pear cactus have a showy flower. God took the time to make each of us unique and special. He gave each of us a "showy flower" for all the world to see and admire. For some people, it's their smile. For others, it's their eyes. For others, it's their hair or fingers. Just like there are thousands of varieties of flowers, there thousands of ways that God gave us to be showy flowers.

Don't we often think of ourselves in terms of the stems (of the flowers)? When I was typing the cactus description, "characterized by thick, fleshy often prickly stems," I thought, "That's me!" You can't get much more thick, fleshy AND prickly than me! True or not, God still gives me a showy flower to let the world see beyond my stem. There's a motto out in there, "God doesn't make junk." Do we feel that? Do we believe it? Or do we degrade ourselves? Do we degrade the product that God has made? We are God's most special product, made in His image. We are all the showy flowers that God puts on the "stems" of the world. Show off your "flowers."

Flags

2008-09-06T20:37:00.003-05:00

The political party conventions have exposed our flag and it's colors, red, white and blue all over the television screen in the past weeks. An American knows those colors from the time we were little children. We waved a miniature flag at our town's parades as we sit on Daddy's shoulders or hold our Mommy's hand. We were secure with our parents and we are secure in our towns and states. The flag is a symbol of security and freedom for our citizens. The flag is often synonymous with our soldiers, even unto death when a flag is folded and given to family members in honor of the deceased one's serving our country.

This picture is not of the real flags of our country or my adopted state, Texas. They are banners at a kite festival on South Padre Island, an island that is about far south as you can get in the United States. From all corners of our nation, we can see and feel the patriotism that we have for our country. We are so blessed. Do you feel it? God bless America!

I am

2008-06-25T01:47:00.003-05:00

It's been one year since I started this blog. It's been quite an experience. I have taken some steps forward and fallen down, too. I have written openly about most of my steps and my falls. I am not sure that I want to or need to continue writing a blog. There is no doubt that I need to write, but not sure if my writing needs to be in this public fashion.

A year ago I thought in many different ways. I acted in many different ways. I was in many ways, a different person. Today, I am...... me. There are all kinds of labels that you or I could put on me.... short, fat, wife, sister, manager, Texan, friendly, lazy, photographer, etc. However, I do not have to be constrained by those labels or feel that my worth is tied up in those labels. I have choices. I have options.

Today, I am ..... feeling very exposed, yet feeling very whole. Today, I am....trying to live and act in the present, instead of re-acting based on past experiences or future expectations. Today, I am.... at peace.

Lazy Lions

2008-06-07T14:11:00.002-05:00

Several years back, probably several, several years back.... there was picture/poster that had a majestic looking lion surrounded by books and it's caption was Lazy Lions Lounging in the Local Library. I was reminded of that today when Hubby awoke from a couch-nap, yawned, stretched and proclaimed, "I'm lazy."

Have you ever seen a television documentary on lions? It seems that much of their time is spent sleeping, yawning, and stretching. Granted, the shows have to highlight the chases; the attacks on smaller and slower prey; romping, playing cubs; and the midnight feasts that lions have. But many of their hours are spent sleeping. No wonder I like lions.

How am I like a lion? I'm proud, boastful (or I wouldn't be writing this blog, right?), and definitely "queen of the jungle." I say "queen" because my name, Rayna, means queen or to reign. I "chase" by driving my car fast and sometimes recklessly. I "attack" one small or large project/problem at my job or another, I'm ferocious. I love to "feast," but unlike lions, not at midnight. I like to play around and have a good time as any cub likes to do, and I have "romped" around this country a few times. Last but not least, I like to sleep! Always have, always will.

I think part of my desire to sleep is because I often dream and remember my dreams. It's like watching TV all night, yet you don't know what you're watching until it happens as there are no channel choices in dreamland. As I have written in this blog before, I often dream about work. That is sometimes a "horror" show, other times it's an "eye-opener" of a psycho-drama. Then comes the fun part of trying to psycho-analyze these dreams in the morning. Ha-Ha! Some dreams, I just have to chalk-up to the pizza dinner I had the night before.

Anyway, my original thought as I set myself down to write today was to "talk" about how lazy I've been lately. That's blogging (or writing) for you.... one thought begets another begets another.... soon you have more generations (paragraphs) then you can imagine. Then there are the trains of thoughts with one car after another and when the caboose finally arrives, you're so thankful. Maybe that's my writing, people are thankful when I finally get to the end.....
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. Peace be with you and have lazy day, you deserve it!

How Green is My Valley

2008-06-01T17:32:00.003-05:00

I live in "The Valley" as this part of the Rio Grande River area is called. No, I'm not one of those "valley girls" from California, even though I lived in California for three years. I live in the "Tip of Texas," about as far south as you can go in Texas. I have been to the mouth of the Rio Grande River where it empties into the Gulf of Mexico. Last week I was almost to the head waters of the Rio Grande. The river starts in the Colorado mountains and we saw the Rio Grande in northern New Mexico, near Taos. It's a raging river at that point, full of rapids.

It's interesting to see the changes the river makes in it's make-up as well as what it has done to the land around it. There is a deep gorge that the river runs through at the beginning of it's way down through the state of New Mexico. Just like we humans, that change our nature as we progress through our lives.

I enjoyed driving along a good portion of this river and I could often spot its placement in the desert wilderness by the green trees surrounding the river. Many times, I could not see the river but I knew it was there by the evidence... the trees. Just like we humans, when we display the evidence of our actions even though others may not see our actions.

We also saw the Rio Grande as it surrounded a national park in Texas, Big Bend. Then we drove along a large portion of the river as we made our way back home. Back home to the Rio Grande River Valley. The road trip to New Mexico and western Texas was quite an experience. Yes, I found out that you can truthfully, legally, go 80 miles an hour in western Texas. It was not a myth as I thought. I found out that there are places in Texas that you can travel 55 miles and meet only seven vehicles during that drive (in the middle of the day). And two of those vehicles were the UPS and Fed-Ex trucks... hubby said they should combine their services out there!

I found out there is a LOT of open land with out any houses or people for miles in this country. I found out that there are a LOT of different kinds of cactus in the desert. I found out there are a LOT of miles of country with the roadside fence posts being the taller than most of the living vegetation. And the fence posts look even taller due to turkey vultures setting on them waiting for road kill. After about a week in what I would call brown terrain.... desert, mountains, grasses & roads... it was awesome to me to see trees and greenery again!

I was born and raised in Wisconsin where you can rarely go a mile without seeing a lake, pond or creek, and of course all kinds of trees and evergreens. So, it's quite different for me to experience the opposite. As much as I enjoyed seeing and experiencing new things.... a scorpion in the bathtub that I didn't want to touch, stars in the night sky so bright you felt like you could touch them, seeing so many different kinds of cactus which you should not touch, tall mountains I wish I could touch the tops.... it was wonderful to come back to the green valley where I live.

The different shades of green in the valley's fields of crops, grasses in the yards, palm tree fronds, and flowering bushes are a treat for sore eyes. It's good to be home!

Update on Peace

2008-05-21T18:42:00.002-05:00

Well, it's been about eleven months since I started the Peace Project. The project of getting peace and balance into my life. Right now, I do feel balanced in my life. Maybe, not in all the ways I projected I would be balanced by now, but it's OK! Life is pretty darn good.

Physically, I'm not at the weight or height that I planned. Emotionally, I still get stressed out about work, but that's gotten a whole lot better. Especially when I remind myself that my co-workers "will know I'm a Christian by my love." Spiritually, I've made leaps and bounds rather than crawling on my hands and knees through the rough road of life.

Writing this blog has been a demon and a god-send! It has exposed things about myself that I didn't want to share, but needed to share! It has allowed me to get my thoughts and feelings "on paper" rather than rolling around in my head for hours or days, it's served as a release. I know that I'm not the most prolific writer nor very good, but I feel glad that once in a while something that I have written has touched someones heart or soul. Maybe the reader is encouraging me on
my peace journey or they can identify with what I've written, there's a camaraderie between us.

It sure has been an interesting project. It sure has been an interesting journey. But then again, I sure have led an interesting life!! Just today, I was sharing how I met hubby with my co-workers. Some people have spent their whole lives within 10 miles of their birthplace and sure must be interesting. I know that's not for me, adventure and new sights gets me a-going! Anyway, there were a few mouths dropping when I talked about living in California & hubby in Louisiana and then we lived in Georgia, etc, etc. I can not imagine life without thinking of or planning the next adventure!

Tomorrow, starts the next adventure. No, we're not moving already!! We're going on a road trip to New Mexico. I've heard that in west Texas, a person can "legally" drive 80 miles an hour. Can't wait! :) See you when we get back in June! Yes, we plan to have fun!! Peace.

Heroes

2008-05-10T13:59:00.002-05:00

I titled yesterday's blog "Death of a Hero." I used the word hero perhaps because one of the dictionary's descriptions of the word hero is "Any man noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose; especially one who has risked or sacrificed his life." This is an apt description for our fallen soldier.

It got me thinking more about heroes as I today I read a news magazine's stories of the "100 Most Influential People in the World." Most of these people, I would think would qualify as a hero based on another description of the word hero that is "A person prominent in some event, field, period or cause by reason of his/her special achievement or contributions." Most of us will never meet any of these heroes, however we may benefit greatly from their achievements and contributions. There are so many unsung heroes in each of our lives, that may never grace the cover of our local newspaper, much less the cover of a national news magazine. Yet their achievements and contributions to our lives are enormous.

My number one hero is my mother. How could I say anything less? If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here! :) Just kidding. My mother doesn't read this blog as she doesn't have a touch-tone phone (still has the dial-up version), much less a computer. It's too bad that she is missing out of reading my sister and brother's blog sites and their creative writing. She would be proud of them, because my mom is a writer.

When I was a child she would stories, poems, and letters. Today, she still writes letters and she is proud (rightly so) of her beautiful handwriting, that wonderful old cursive style that has fallen by the wayside. While they were visiting us for four weeks this winter, I think my Mom wrote 30+/- letters to friends and relatives up North. These were not just 3-5 sentences letters either, she would describe what the weather was like (hot compared to Northern Wisconsin) and what they had done and seen. She shared their joy of being on "vacation" with their family and friends who were not able to be on "vacation." My mother truly understands the joy of writing... sharing. Sharing what you've done, seen, felt, heard, tasted, and thought. Experiences!

You can count on my mom to inform people of events and activities. It is not uncommon to get a postcard or letter from her describing an up-coming family reunion or cousin's birthday party or graduation. My mother is a strong believer in keeping families intact. Getting together for a fun time is a main priority for her (and Dad too). They have hosted many a Halloween parties, sliding parties (when you slide down a snow-covered hill on a sled, toboggan or inner tube), and big-time graduation parties for each of us. Enthusiasm!

If you have read my blog, you will know that I was on a spiritual retreat about 4 weeks ago. One of the final aspects of the weekend was being handed a package of letters & cards from family, friends and co-workers. It was an awesome experience and so uplifting. Uplifting because other people took the time to write their thoughts and feelings. I opened one card from a high school good friend with whom I had seldom spoken in 39 years, much less seen. She wrote, "I bet you never thought you would hear from me. Your mom was in the drug store & was telling me about what you were doing, so I thought I'd write you a note." You could have blown me over with feather! That's my mom for you, not afraid to speak up and gather support for others. She not only told my former classmate, but she wrote or spoke to siblings, cousins and old neighbors and told them of my journey. All of these letters were precious!

However, the most priceless letter was from my mom. It was not a long letter as she sometimes writes, but short. I can imagine her sitting at the dining room table, laboring over the choice of words to use. Maybe, she wrote quickly, yet from experience, I doubt it. Here is her opening....

Dear Rayna,
I loved you before your were born
I loved you while I gave birth to you
I have loved you for the past 56 2/3 yrs.

So there's no doubt about it!
You are loved!

It was certainly enough to make a grown woman cry, again! I felt like God was speaking through her to me. It was a comforting feeling, and a feeling that I'm thankful for.

Today, my mom, at age 76, is walking in a Relay for Life. As of Thursday night, she had raised $400 to contribute to that worthy cause of fighting cancer(my mom lost her father and sister to cancer). Again, my mom has enthusiasm in garnering support for causes. She told me that she was in the drugstore (different one than where my classmate works) and she "just happened to tell the druggist" that she was walking for cancer. He handed her $40 for her contribution, she was "overwhelmed." No, it's my mother that is overwhelmingly good! She's my #1 Hero!

I hope she has a wonderful Mother's Day, she is priceless!

Death of a Hero

2008-05-09T19:01:00.004-05:00

For those of us in the valley, we have heard of another soldier to die in Iraq, Alex Gonzalez. I heard about his death on the Wednesday morning news. He was the 24th soldier from the Valley killed in Iraq War since 2003. As I often do, my mind slipped on to thinking about other things as I drove to work.

Upon arriving in our department, I was greeted by one of my staff asking me if I heard about the death? Yes, I answered and then she told me that Alex's younger sister was her daughter's best friend. Walking home from school on Tuesday afternoon, his sister saw the military vehicle parked in front of their home and she fell to her knees in grief. She knew.

This staff then went on to tell me that Alex's aunt (by marriage) was another staff in our department. Apparently the aunt was so overcome with grief that she was barely able to speak to call in as she was in no condition to work that night. Oh my God, I thought. Why? Why?

I have personally asked the Why? question a number of times in the past couple of years. But my Why? question was not about why did someone I know die. It was a different version. Why did God allow my nephew (my sister's son), Matt's Marine unit members to be injured or die and spared him? Don't get me wrong, I was overwhelmingly grateful that Matt was spared. It was a question that nagged me and led to another deeper question. I don't think that we, Matt's family, prayed any more than the families of his unit members. So why was Matt spared and his buddies were not? Those questions really led me to doubt the value of prayer. If prayer did not save his buddies, why pray? I then allowed my doubts to fester into a doubting of God, which led to a major spiritual drought.

This drought lasted until my weekend spiritual renewal retreat when I knew that I could not take another step until I talked to someone about this doubting. I found myself suddenly talking to two clergy at the retreat. They both simultaneously said that it's not a matter of God not answering prayers. It's a matter of it's an evil world out there and God does not always save us from the hurt and evil of the world. He allows free will and with that opportunity that he gives us to make choices, we are sometimes subject to the evil choices other people may make. I cried tears of relief as it suddenly made so much sense.

I was reminded of this today as I spoke with Alex's aunt as she was leaving work after a night on the job. She said that Alex's mom is vacillating between crying, "Why? Why?" and saying, "He's in a better place." I don't think there is any way to understand the grief she must feel and questions she wants answers to. However, there is a part of this mother's deep spirituality that allows her to know and be comforted by the fact that her son is in a better place, with God.

Later today, God put another person connected with Alex into my life. She was a lady who I was interviewing for one of our open positions. I'm not even sure how our initial conversation got started in the interview, but she said she had a rough week as her daughter's boyfriend was killed in Iraq this week. I asked her if she meant Alex Gonzalez and she said, Yes. I asked her if she wanted to re-schedule as I'm sure her mind was not thinking about a job interview right now. I know that my mind was kind of going "freaky" as I could not believe another connection to this young man was coming into my small circle of co-workers and friends. However, she wanted to continue with the interview.

Maybe I write about all of this to help myself realize that we just don't know when our lives are going to be affected by death, near or far. Maybe I write this to affirm the love of God is there for us, a strong arm to lean on in times of questioning and grief. I don't want to ever get to the spot in the road of life that I allow myself to push God away in questioning and grief. That I don't allow myself to under-estimate how many lives are touched by one person. That I don't allow myself to forget that there is a "better place," even in death. Peace

LOVE

2008-05-03T08:01:00.002-05:00

LOVE - the "other" four-letter word. The best four-letter word. The BEST word! Love encompasses so much, doesn't it? In the my old-faithful dictionary, love is a noun, but I prefer to think of it as a "verb." A verb expresses action. Love is not always a state of being, it's a state of doing, acting, moving. There's an old church/camp song that has been running through my mind a lot lately, "They will know we are Christians by our love."

As irritating as "ear worms" are, this song has been a constant reminder of my renewal. I am reminded that everywhere and every time, I have the opportunity to show God's love through my actions and words. It's an awesome responsibility. It's an awesome reward.

I can not begin to describe how much better I feel emotionally since I allowed and made the choice to release my anger and control of my world and let God walk with me on my life's journey. I had a very-hardened heart, a heart of stone. There was no way that love could "beat" in a heart of stone. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the boulders/rocks in my life that I need to sacrifice. Some of them are still there, but I'm much more willing to leave them on my journey's path and move forward... in love.

Evaluation

2008-04-26T12:02:00.004-05:00

Today I went into work for a few hours to give several staff their annual evaluations. I was hesitant and therefore procrastinated this task until the end of the month as last year's evaluations went rather poorly. Staff were resentful because they did not get their expected raises in salary. Our company policy is to do all evaluations at one time and then annual raises occur on your anniversary data. The process is a pain when you have almost 20 staff, but it is easier to compare them to each other and what is expected of them.

Three of the four evaluations I planned to do today were with very strong-influential and strong-willed employees. Mirror images of me, huh? This morning I did something differently, I prayed for each one of them. I prayed for me too that I would be able to explain how I evaluated them and how much I value them. The interaction was great! One of the staff that really gave me a difficult time last year over her evaluation and has provided some stressful moments during this year, simply said, "I agree with your evaluation. Thank you."

I am thankful for answers to prayer, that I could give them worthwhile feedback as well as ideas for improvement. The experience that I expected to dread turned out to be a worthwhile interaction. Miracles never cease!

Secrets

2008-04-23T19:50:00.003-05:00

I have a nine-year-old nephew that my sister writes about in her blog. He's a character as most nine-year-old's are with an answer for everything. Some of his answers seem that he's lived a life way beyond nine years. In her blog today, she quoted him as saying, "I have a whole secret world you know nothing about." As she wrote, it was enough to "shoot arrows into her heart." I had to laugh as I can just imagine him saying that.

It also got me thinking. This past weekend I was honored to receive letters from family, friends, neighbors and co-workers. It was over-whelming! It was so touching! Some of the letters remarked about my "smile," my "humor," my "kindness." Were those people talking about me? I felt like I was overlooking "someone else" as "she" read the letters because I have had a "whole secret world" that I lived in that I did not always show to others.

The whole secret world of feeling unworthy, never praying, being depressed and resentful. I know that some of this I have expressed here in my blog, my "diary." It was evident that my "secret world" was falling apart, especially since the beginning of the year. But as I wrote in Sunday's blog about the parable of my journey, it's been seven years of rocky travels for me. I wonder if God felt as though I was "shooting arrows into His heart" when I had this secret world.

At the closing service on Sunday, I remarked that I had "cried more tears in the past 72 hours than I had in the past ten years." I am a person that did not cry or I cried so seldom that I would wonder if I would ever cry again. My heart had become so hardened, that I allowed little emotion (other than anger) to be released from my being, much less my tear ducts. Tears were a foreign object to me. This weekend's tears were cleansing. The tears were necessary. The tears showed my emotions. The tears signified that I was living again. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my body. I looked in mirror on Sunday night and I could have sworn I looked skinnier!

I view myself in a whole new light after this weekend. I am living in a new body. I have been created a new. It feels so good! I don't want to live in another "whole secret world" any longer. I want the new me to show to others. I want the new me to be transparent so that it will show to all that my heart is beating again. My heart is no longer hard as a rock. No secrets. PEACE

Bits & Pieces

2008-04-21T19:43:00.002-05:00

Tonight, I am quietly settling back into life after an amazing weekend. I want to share with you some of the bits and pieces of written prayers and verses we received this weekend. They don't list the authors of these, so I can only presume all the glory goes to God. Enjoy & Share!

"Gracious God, thank you for the gift of today. Refresh me... Invite me to discover your Presence in each person that I meet and every event encountered. Teach me when to speak, when to listen, when to ponder and when to share. In moments of challenge and decision, attune my heart to the whisperings of your Wisdom. As I undertake ordinary and unnoticed tasks, gift me with simple Joy. When my day goes well, may I rejoice! When it grows difficult, surprised me with new possibilities. When life is overwhelming, call me to Sabbath moments to restore Peace and Harmony. May my living today reveal your Goodness. Amen"

"If God granted you 70 years of life... you would spend 23 years sleeping; 14 years working; 8 years watching TV; 8 years in amusement; 6 years eating; 4 years in transportation; 4 years in conversation; 1 year reading; 1 year in education.... and if you went to church every Sunday and stayed until the ending hymn finished and prayed 5 minutes morning and night, you would be giving God five months of your life. Five months out of 70 years? Hmmmmmm?"

"I found a penny laying on the ground,
It is not just a penny this little coin I found.
Angels drop one when you are feeling blue
As a reminder of the Father's Love for you.
So don't ignore that penny when you are rushing through the day.
Pick it up and smile because an Angel passed your way."

"Top Ten Predictions for 2008
1. The Bible will still have all the answers
2. Prayer will still work
3. The Holy Spirit will still move
4. God will still inhabit the praises of His people.
5. There will still be God-anointed preaching.
6. There will still be singing of praise to God.
7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people.
8. There will still be room at the Cross.
9. Jesus will still love you.
10. Jesus will still save the lost."

"God whispers in your soul and speaks to your mind. Sometimes when you don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at you. It's your choice: Listen to the whisper or wait for the brick."

Though I Walk Through the Valley...

2008-04-20T19:01:00.004-05:00

For the past seven years, I have been in a valley. The valley has a narrow bottom with just enough room for a rocky path. I had been crawling on my hands and knees, bruising and cutting them on the rocks as I travel along the path. The scars had developed into callouses. I kept my head down much of the time, feeling beaten. My back hurt from trying to lift my head to feel the sunshine and my shoulders formed into a drooping hunch. It's been hard to see very far in front of me, much less being able to see the top of hills that surround the valley.

I even moved a long ways away and built a new shelter in the valley, and yet I was still in the same valley, littered with stone and rocks that made my path anything but smooth. Due to my crawling on these rocks day in and day out, I became familiar with them. The rocks had names, Stubbornness, Anger, Control, Resentment, Intelligence, Forgetfulness, Ignorance, Carelessness and Envy. I knew them by name, yet I hated them and didn't want to recognize them. Not only were these rocks creating callouses on my hands and feet, my heart was becoming calloused, hardened and unmoving. The hardening of the heart was hurting my partner in the valley, my husband. We walked on the same path in that valley, but I found myself moving further and further away.

Yes, there were brief moments of laughter and fun with hubby, family and friends. And occasionally I would feel the warmth from the sun which reminded me of God's love. I knew there was another being in the valley, the Son of God, Jesus Christ. But it had been so long since I even had a glimpse of him that I was not sure He still even existed, at least not for me.

About nine months ago, I started to make some changes in my daily walks on the path. I tried to get off the path into the green grass and take better care of myself. I crawled faster and got quite good at speed-crawling. But it was not enough, I felt lonely even amongst all the people I knew were my family and friends. Something, someone was missing. I knew the answer was a relationship with Jesus Christ. But where was he? I had not prayed in months. I had not called out to the Lord in months. How could I expect God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit to even know I was here in the valley? I wanted to search and find my "spirituality" but I was embarrassed. So I kept plodding along, hurt and dejected.

One day not too many weeks ago, an angel appeared next to me on the path, I had seen her around my work place and casually talked about the green parks that dotted the valley. She asked me, "How do you like living in the valley?" Typical me, I said, "Oh, it's fine." I was not really sure if I meant it or not. I think I mentioned wanting to develop some friendships (relationships) with other women. Of course, it was much easier to think about developing new relationships with people that could not see my callouses on my feet, hands and heart, than it was to think about renewing or rejuvenating old relationships, including the one with my husband, family and friends.

Before, I knew it she was telling me about a Christian retreat, The Walk to Emmaus. And before I knew it, I was signed up. Then panic set in! What have I done? Would I have to meet Jesus? Would I have to change my life? As much as I "hated" that rocky path, it was familiar and I had gotten used to it. What was I going to do?

I was taken to an unfamiliar part of the valley on Thursday night and by Friday morning in my anger and controlling ways, I was physically lost. Another angel came to lead me out of the thickets and back to the rest of the sheep. Yes we were like sheep, in groups, I resented that! I'm a "human being" even if I am crawling on all fours like a sheep. I started to cry and then the angel said something about me being "lost." I said or almost shouted, "I'm lost in more ways than one!" That admission got me crying and crying. Yes, that statement was the admission ticket to a private meeting with Jesus. Little did I know that then.

I learned a lot that day, but the first thing I learned was that my priorities were out of balance. Me out of balance, when I've been spouting-off (in this blog) about balance and peace? More tears, more tears! I was starting to flood the valley with the tears. I spent some time with ministers and laypersons getting some answers. That night I knew I had to make a choice, re-connect with Jesus or forget it. I used my tear-stained admission ticket to meet with Jesus. It was scary, but He quickly comforted me when I told him my dilemma. His answer was, "I will not fail you. I will not fail you." It was sure-fire, safe venture! How could I refuse? I asked Him to walk beside me, carry me, push me, whatever He needed for me. I wanted to connect with Him, I wanted Him in my life.

The next day, Saturday, during Holy Communion, we were asked that each of us sacrifice (give-up) one of our characteristics/values that we needed to live without. Sacrifice, I had that down pat, as I had a lot of rocks as garbage for a SACRIFICE....
Stubbornness
Anger
Control
Resentment
Intelligence
Forgetfulness
Ignorance
Carelessness
Envy

So that day, I cheated (already) and told Jesus he could have two rocks! I gave him anger and control. That felt so good, and I cried some more. I learned. I cried. I felt love. I cried. I got off my knees and started to walk upright, my knees gave out a couple of times (truthfully) and I knew this walking upright with the Lord would take some support from others. I cried. I sang praises and I started to raise my arms to Jesus. I didn't get my arms much higher than chest high, but it's a start.

I felt love right up to the end of the third day (today) when I thought that I cried the Rio Grande River full of tears and then we were handed letters from family and friends. Oh my God! More crying. God is so gracious and loving to have placed so many wonderful people in my life. I don't deserve it.

Most of this story (except for last paragraph) is what went through my mind last night as a way to describe my journey for the past years and my reconciliation Jesus Christ. I know that I am loved by husband, parents, family, friends, angels, and most importantly my Lord. Praise the Lord. PEACE! and this time I feel it!

Spring!

2008-04-17T04:43:00.002-05:00

Spring has sprung!

This morning I awoke hearing a loon call. Or at least I dreamed I did! The loon has a unique call and I remember how exciting and hopeful it felt when I heard the first loon call of spring. The loons would return to the lake we lived on in Wisconsin and sometimes they would return to the lake within days of the ice breaking up and melting. The loon was not one of those birds that you had a first sighting... like the robin. "I saw my first robin this morning," we'd proudly exclaim to family, friends or co-workers. No, the loon is usually a first "hearing."

I hope that the ice is off the lakes up North by now! They have had a very long winter this year with more inches of snow being dumped on them last weekend. Here in the southern tip of Texas, it's easy to forget about winter and seasons. However, our day lilies died down this winter and just the other day, we had our first blossom. The hibiscus bushes are showing off more and more blossoms every day too. :) Yep! It puts a smile on our faces.

There's just something about spring and new growth that gets most people excited, happy and looking forward to life. I don't think it's a coincidence that is Spring is when we celebrate Christ's resurrection. New Life guaranteed, just like the results of a new season.

Tonight I am going for the weekend on the Walk to Emmaus, a Christian retreat. I am hopeful for some new growth within my heart and soul. I am hopeful for spiritual and emotional renewal. Maybe, some physical renewal too..... it's not called a "walk" for nothing, I've been told to wear comfortable walking shoes. I've got them. Think Spring!